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Chapter 1: Happy Birthday
Balthazar stopped the car. He got out and walked into the park in the centre of the town. It was a busy park; a lot of people passed by, but in that hour of the night the park was deserted. Balthazar went to the usual place, to the lake that in the winter was usually frozen, close to a streetlight. He put his hands on the cold metallic grating around the lake and sighed, lowering his head a little. Looking down at the calm dark water in the lake, he wondered what he was doing there. Waiting for someone who might not come? He shook his head, realising what an idiot he was.
But if there was someone that was worth waiting for, it was Castiel; his little brother. Well, Castiel wasn't truly his brother. Balthazar was adopted; Castiel's parents had adopted him when he was young, and despite they weren't the same blood, he and Castiel were raised like brothers and he and his parents were his family.
Balthazar turned around; he looked at the trees moving with the wind around him. Then he trembled a little, he told himself it was from the cold, but the truth was that he was anxious. Anxious to see his brother again, after such a long time without seeing him. Balthazar had left the house of his parents when he was sixteen; then he found a small job and was living in a crappy apartment with other two guys... But it didn't matter, he didn't regret the choice he made and he didn't complain about the life he had. But since he left home, he rarely saw his family; his parents, he never saw them again. Sometimes they called him to know if he was alright or if he needed something. Castiel, he only saw him two or three times a year, on special occasions.
Today was a special occasion; Castiel turned seventeen and Balthazar was waiting for him in the place they usually met. Balthazar didn't like to be away from his family, the separation had been terribly painful, but he told himself it was for a good reason. Now, after three years, the constant pain was just a part of him.
Balthazar looked at his watch and it was almost midnight. He leaned against the grating, tugged his scarf and waited, most of the time looking at the ground. At one of the occasions he lifted his head, he saw a human shape approaching. Staring at the dark shape as it came closer, Balthazar recognized it when it was near him that it was his brother. Castiel was wearing tight jeans and a blue sweater, the same colour of his eyes. Balthazar couldn't see his eyes properly, but he still remembered the beautiful deep blue eyes of his brother.
"Balthazar," Castiel greeted him with a small smile, but his eyes were sad. It could be from the dark night, but it seemed like his vivid blue eyes had lost its colour. Balthazar shouldn't be surprised about it, every time they met Castiel had that sad face, although he used to be a gleeful kid. But that was before. Before leaving; before leaving him.
"Hey," Balthazar greeted him back. "Happy birthday, Cas" he said with a true smile, despite the mixed feelings troubling him all the time, especially when he was close to his brother.
"Uh, thanks," Castiel replied as if he had forgotten about his birthday, or perhaps he wasn't expecting Balthazar to mention it.
"I thought you weren't coming." There was a slight tone of sadness in Balthazar's voice, that only who knew him well would notice... and Castiel knew him well. But then again, he hadn't talked with his brother to tell him he'd be there. In fact none of them knew if the other would appear, but they went anyway, guided by faith. "I thought maybe you were at a party." That would be natural, since it was Castiel's birthday.
"I was," Castiel admitted, with arms crossed in a shy position. "My friends prepared me a party." Castiel didn't have many friends, but the ones he had, were some good friends.
"Then you should be enjoying it," Balthazar said after a while. "I mean, what's a birthday party without the birthday boy?" He didn't what his brother to think he was asking him to leave, because Balthazar truly didn't want that. "I didn't even get you a present." He let out a small and weak chuckle. He knew Castiel didn't care for material things, but he still should have bought him something. But he didn't know he was coming until the last minute. Being around his brother was both pleasant and painful.
"There's no other place I'd rather be than here," Castiel confessed in a low and trembling voice as his eyes started to shine with the tears that were forming.
There was a moment of silence, and tension between them; Castiel's breathing became faster as he tried to hold back the tears. He was also trembling; he tried to fight the emotions but he couldn't, so he left the emotions guide him. Castiel came forward and hugged his older brother tightly. It surprised Balthazar, but his instincts were to immediately hold back his younger brother.
"I miss you," Castiel whispered against Balthazar's soft scarf that appeared under the half open black leather jacket.
This wasn't new for Balthazar; in fact, he had heard those three words from Castiel every time they met. They smashed his heart every time. "I miss you too," Balthazar replied, trying to hide how true those words were, but failing completely. Perhaps he shouldn't have said them; but he didn't want Castiel to think he was insensible or that he didn't feel anything for him, because he did... more than he should. That was the problem.
Castiel was trembling, not from cold but from anger and sadness for not understanding why Balthazar left. And yet, he was hugging the cause of his sad life. Sometimes he wondered why Balthazar did that, but if his brother had the capability of turning his life miserable, he was also the one who could comfort him. Even if it was only for a short time, Castiel would take it.
Balthazar gently rubbed his brother's back, feeling Castiel's body relax a little against his. With eyes closed Balthazar felt the smell of his young brother; it was perhaps a mix of shower gel, shampoo, perfume and something else. Balthazar didn't know what it was for sure, he only knew it felt like... home. In the meanwhile Balthazar kept caressing his brother, the slim body slightly muscled. Castiel had changed since he left; every time Balthazar saw him he was different, his little brother was becoming a man... a handsome man.
Castiel's scent blinded him and his body hypnotised him. Without noticing, Balthazar was sliding a hand to Castiel's lower back, memorizing every curve of his body. Then he reached the tight jeans where the image of Castiel's butt started to take form in his mind. No! That was when Balthazar snapped out of the ecstasy feeling and realised what he was doing to his brother.
Balthazar stepped back, away from Castiel's embrace, leaving the teenager perplexed by the sudden movement. They kept staring at each other for a moment, but they didn't say anything; Balthazar didn't give him an explanation and Castiel didn't demand it. It hadn't been the first time Balthazar had acted weird with him. Castiel didn't know the reason of it, but he was sure his brother didn't want to talk about it.
Balthazar just turned to lake, in shame, and grabbed the grating tight, hating himself. Why did he keep doing that? He remembered when he was still living in the house with his family. Every time Castiel came to him with a smile on his lips, it warmed Balthazar's heart. It was good. But when Castiel sneaked into his bed during the night and snuggled to him, or when Castiel got out of the shower, hot and wet, with only a towel around his waist... It was just too much.
Castiel didn't understand his brother's reaction, and for a moment, he wasn't sure if he was supposed to leave or not. But Castiel didn't want to leave; not yet, and if it was up to him, he'd never leave. So he joined his brother, gazing at peaceful waves that the waterspout created in the lake.
They stayed like that for while, in silence, looking at the water plants moving with the wind, but without really seeing them, because they were both lost in their thoughts... and feelings. Castiel didn't know what to do; he wanted to know the reason of Balthazar's behaviour, the reason why he left, but he knew they'd probably end up arguing, because Balthazar just wouldn't tell him. He'd avoid the subject like he did when Castiel asked him before, and Castiel didn't want to spend the few time with his brother arguing. So he just kept quiet.
He kept quiet until a certain time. "Balthazar..." He broke the silence with the sweet voice Balthazar secretly adored. "I have to tell you something."
Balthazar turned to him, giving his full attention and waited. After a couple of seconds Castiel said softly "I love you."
Balthazar was surprised at first, but then, Castiel couldn't have said it in the way he was thinking about, because it came out so naturally of his lips. Perhaps Castiel was insecure about their familiar relationship because of the long time they were away from each other, but to Balthazar the separation hadn't changed anything between them. Absolutely nothing. "Cassie, you know you will always be my brother," he replied, showing a little fond smile.
"No. I mean I love you more than just a brother," Castiel interrupted him in a serious tone.
Balthazar froze. He didn't know what to say, he didn't know what to do, because... he felt the same way. But he couldn't... They couldn't... They were brothers. "Cas..." It was all Balthazar managed to say after a while, even without knowing how to finish the sentence.
Fortunate or unfortunately he didn't have to because Castiel interrupted him again. "And don't say that I'm just a kid, that I don't know love, because I do know love! I know how it hurts! I know the constant hole you can't fill... that you hope it disappears, but it doesn't." Castiel's voice was angry at the beginning but he ended in a soft and desperate tone.
After another moment in silence, while Balthazar absorbed all the emotive words, he asked "Why are you telling me this?" Balthazar wanted to know if Castiel had been building up any hope or what Castiel was expecting from him.
"Because... I couldn't take it anymore. I had to tell someone. And you were the one who made sense I tell." Castiel knew Balthazar well, trusted him with his life, and he had always been Castiel's confident. "I told you how I feel... Now it's your turn. What do you feel about me?" Castiel was always direct, but this time Balthazar noticed some tension, but also hope.
"Cas.." Balthazar said, shaking his head. He couldn't tell him.
"Tell me, Balthazar. Tell me the truth." Castiel insisted, taking a step forward, always with eyes locked in Balthazar's, begging for an answer.
Just like in any other situation Balthazar couldn't lie to Castiel, he just couldn't. Balthazar passed a hand through his blond hair and sighed. "The truth is... I love you too... in the same way." He looked away for a second and then looked back at Castiel. "I have loved you for some time... but I shouldn't."
Castiel was glad for the confession of love, but as Balthazar wasn't happy about it, he asked "Is that why you left?"
As always, Castiel was smart and sometimes it seemed like he could read Balthazar's mind, so it was no surprise Castiel had figured it out. "I couldn't be around you," Balthazar explained, looking down. "There was always conflict in my twisted mind."
"So you lied to me," Castiel said and Balthazar lifted immediately his head, because he had never lied to him. "You said you hadn't left home because of me."
"The problem wasn't you, it was me! I ceased to see you as my brother and started to see you as a beautiful boy I wanted to lay my hands on!" Balthazar said sharply and Castiel blushed at the careless choice of words.
But Castiel still said "Why didn't you tell me this before?"
"You were fourteen." That was Castiel's age when Balthazar left. "I couldn't tell you. You wouldn't understand," Balthazar explained.
Castiel agreed that maybe Balthazar was right, maybe he was too young at the time. "Well, now I understand." Castiel came closer, his eyes full with hope.
At that moment Castiel's intension were clear. "Cas, we can't..." Balthazar said sadly for disappointing him and stepped back.
"You said you felt the same as I do." Castiel stepped closer again. "Then you know how miserable my life has been. The unbearable loneliness..." Castiel stopped when hot tears started burning his eyes. Without noticing, Balthazar nodded, knowing exactly what Castiel was talking about because his life had been like that too. "I can't keep living like this." Castiel whispered in a sad and desperate tone.
They were standing close; Castiel's shining blue eyes were locked on his, the hot breath on Balthazar neck made him shiver, and the permanent desire began to win the rational part of Balthazar's mind. Unable to deny it any longer, Balthazar closed the space between them, kissing Castiel gently. When their lips met it seemed like their hearts exploded from the sudden flux of blood pumping fast from their hearts. Balthazar brought a hand to Castiel's face as he felt the sweet taste of Castiel's soft lips.
Castiel put his arms around Balthazar's neck, bringing their bodies closer, to touch in most places. The so long waited kiss got deeper and Castiel pressed his tongue to Balthazar's mouth.
Ignoring how good it felt, Balthazar broke the kiss for a moment. "Maybe..." his voice came out as a weak whisper. "Maybe we should take it slow," he said louder, still holding Castiel's jaw and caressing his cheek.
Castiel shook his head. "I've waited too long." He came closer to Balthazar again. "We've waited too long." He kissed Balthazar again, passionately. Their hot and wet tongues touched, sending warm waves from their bodies.
Balthazar ran his hands down Castiel's back as the desperate kiss continued. This time with no shame or guilt, only desire, Balthazar lowered his hand to Castiel's ass, squeezing it slightly, and making Castiel let out a small noise of pleasure.
For a brief moment their mouths unlocked from each other, while Balthazar lifted Castiel, sitting him on the grating, and Castiel put his legs around Balthazar's waist. Immediately the intense kiss restarted, in the new position, making them have a new sort of pleasant sensations. With the hands on Castiel's legs, pulling him as close as possible and Castiel grabbing his hair, Balthazar felt Castiel's erection against his abdomen.
After a short moment they broke the kiss in need of air, breathing fast against each other. When Castiel opened his eyes Balthazar noticed his eyes were darker, pupils fully dilated, and he saw how aroused his little brother looked, and unconsciously bit his bottom lip. In a moment of lucidity Balthazar realised it was too late to turn back or stop and leave Castiel like that. He had to do something about it; but where?
Before he could properly think about it, Castiel was already claiming his lips again. But Balthazar still managed to take Castiel to his grey van (a Citroën Berlingo) parked nearby. On the way Castiel didn't bother to ask where Balthazar was taking him. He only understood were they were when Balthazar pressed him against the cold back door of the small van. Then Balthazar put him down, he took the key out of his pocket and opened the back door. They got inside, above the old but clean dark blanket that covered the bottom of the trunk and closed the door.
The hot and wet kisses continued, as they were standing on their knees. Castiel started to taking off Balthazar's jacket, and after it, the scarf went off too. Trying to break the connection of their lips as little as possible, Balthazar took off Castiel sweater, and then his t-shirt too. Finally feeling Castiel's skin on his, Balthazar passed his hand on the sides of Castiel's torso, feeling the ribs on the way down to his waist as Balthazar kissed his neck. Castiel let out soft moans during the process.
The air around them was getting hot, so Balthazar took off his sweatshirt and threw it away. Soon after his pants, just like Castiel's, were off and intercalated with kisses and smooth touches, all their clothes were spread around them.
Balthazar sat against the side wall of the trunk with Castiel on his lap. Balthazar passed his hands all over Castiel, making him shiver and gasp in pleasure. Completely naked, every touch was like an addictive electric shock, especially in the sensitive spots. The small up and down rub of their cocks against their bellies made them moan, but Castiel moaned louder. Although it was cold outside, they were both sweating, with hot blood running fast through their bodies. Completely wrapped on each other, they still sought for more contact.
The session of gentle but intense kisses and sweaty touches didn't last long, and the love making ended with an overwhelming sensation of heat, love and completeness. Castiel's body tensed as he reached the orgasm, letting out a moan while he supported himself with his hands on the cold wall of the truck. Balthazar came right after, grabbing Castiel's hips and probably leaving a mark of his nails on the soft clear skin.
For some time they didn't move, they were static, just trying to catch a breath. Castiel only moved when Balthazar grabbed his arms gently and pulled them down, and then he wrapped Castiel with his own arms. Castiel still shivered slightly; it was clear it had been the first time he had done something like that. After a few minutes in the tight embrace they lied down, Balthazar picked up a towel he had in the car and cleaned gently Castiel's still sensitive body from the white fluids, finishing with a kiss on Castiel's lips. Then, Balthazar covered him with a soft light green blanket he also had while he cleaned up himself. When he looked back at Castiel, the beautiful boy was already sleeping. Balthazar lied next to him, under the blanket.
Balthazar woke up with the sunlight on his face, coming from the small window of the truck. When he managed to open his eyes, he saw Castiel sleeping close to him, using Balthazar's arm as a pillow, and he felt Castiel's calm breathing on his chest. Balthazar stared at him, remembering last night. What have I done? But before panic and guilt installed in himself, all his doubt and question were gone when he saw the peaceful blue eyes looking at him.
"Good morning," Castiel murmured with a sleepy voice, smiling at him.
Balthazar's heart settled down and melted with that smile. "Good morning, Cassie." He placed a gentle kiss on Castiel's forehead. But then Castiel reached for his lips, kissing him sweetly.
"What time is it?" Castiel asked, looking at the clear day outside the car.
"Late." Balthazar didn't have any watch or cell phone to see what time it was, but he was sure it was later than what he hoped it was.
Castiel sighed and snuggled closer to his older brother, if it was physically possible. It was late and he had to go home, but he didn't want to say goodbye to Balthazar.
Then they heard a muffled sound of a cell phone ringing. Castiel recognized it as the sound of his phone. He leaned away from Balthazar to search for it on the pile of clothes spread by the truck. Finally he found his jeans, he sat up and took the phone out of the jeans' pocket.
Balthazar saw Castiel staring worriedly at the still ringing phone. "Who is it?"
"Mom."
His mother should be concerned about him, obviously. He never spent the night out, not without warning his parents. Oh, what am I going to tell her? Castiel thought, staring at the phone, trembling in his hand. Should I pick it up?
Fortunately Castiel didn't have to think much about it because the phone stopped ringing. Then he saw that he had 20 missed calls; it was mostly from his parents, but a few friends also called him.
"You have to go home," Balthazar told him. He didn't want Castiel to go, but he didn't want to cause him any more trouble that he had already caused. So Balthazar looked for his clothes and started to get dressed.
"Yes," Castiel agreed with a weak voice and he also began dressing himself.
"What are you going to say? To mom and dad?" Balthazar noticed the distressed look on Castiel's face.
"I..." He had no idea what he was going to say. He didn't like to lie to anyone, much less his parents, but he obviously couldn't tell them the truth.
Then his phone rang again. It was his friend Anna. He knew the red-haired girl since the first grade and she was his best friend. She must be worried about him too. Castiel had an idea and picked up the phone. "Anna..." he said.
"Cas. Thank God you're alive." She cut him off with a concerned but a bit relieved voice. "Are you okay?"
"Yes, I'm alright." Anna didn't let his say anything else and started making more questions.
"Where are you?" She asked hurriedly. "One minute you were at the party, in the other no one knew about you."
"Yes, sorry, I had to leave," he tried to excuse himself without giving away much information.
"But I know you didn't go home. Where have you been?"
Castiel took a moment to answer. "I... I can't really tell you. Sorry, Anna."
"What do you mean you can't tell me?"
Castiel decided to ignore her question. "Look, I need to ask you a favour. If my mom calls you, can you tell her I spent the night at your house?"
"What?" She asked, confused.
"Please, Anna."
"No." She didn't sound very convincing and Castiel used that to his benefit.
"Just, please, tell her that, Anna." Castiel asked with that soft voice that no one could tell him 'no'.
There was a silence from the other side of the line. "Only if you tell me what happened last night," Anna countered.
Since Balthazar left, more that his friend, Anna became his confident. Castiel exhaled, defeated. "Alright," he agreed in a low voice.
"I mean it, Castiel. You have to tell me everything."
"Fine. I'll tell you."
"Okay," she said with a calm voice. "Then you've been here all night."
Castiel smiled. "Thanks, Anna."
"But you go right home," she ordered him.
"Yes, I'm going home right now."
"Alright. Then we'll talk later."
"Yes. Bye."
"Bye." She hung up.
Of course, Castiel wasn't going to tell her anything. Never. But more important than keeping the truth from Anna was keeping the truth from his parents and that had been assured. Anna... he was sure he would find a convincing story to tell her. He didn't like it, but the most important was to assure his mother that everything was alright and that nothing happened the previous night.
He noticed Balthazar staring at him, already clothed with the black jeans and the grey sweatshirt.
"What is it?" Castiel put on the blue sweater, finishing dressing himself.
"You. Lying through your teeth." Balthazar seemed surprised. "What happened to my sweet Cassie?" He liked to think that no one knew Castiel better than him, but there were moments where Castiel didn't look like his little brother.
Castiel smiled slightly at possessive pronoun, wondering if it was intentional or not, but he didn't comment. "He grew up." He sounded like it wasn't a good thing, but maybe it was the way he grew up that wasn't the best.
"I've noticed." Balthazar gave him a little smile as he passed by him and opened the back door of the trunk.
They jumped out the car and Castiel started wondering what was going to happen to him and Balthazar, to their relationship. Was Balthazar leaving again? Castiel closed the back door and walked to the side of the car. "Balthazar," he called.
Balthazar looked at him. "Yes, Cassie." He already knew what Castiel was going to say. When he started conversation that way, he knew it was serious. And in this case there what only one thing Castiel would talk about. Them.
Castiel took a step closer to Balthazar. "Come back home," he asked with a pleading look.
"Cas..." Balthazar didn't know what to say. He didn't want to leave Castiel again, he felt bad just thinking about it, but he wasn't sure about returning home. "It's complicated."
"No, it isn't," Castiel contradicted him. "You left because you felt bad for loving me. But now I want you to love me."
"Castiel, do you know what it means me returning home?" Just like Castiel had a characteristic way to start serious conversations, Balthazar also had one; it was starting with Castiel's full name. He rarely said it other circumstances. "Mom and dad won't approve our relationship. We'd have to hide it. From everyone." It would be hard to be around each other without really being together, except in securely private places.
Castiel didn't like when Balthazar was so serious. He rather the moments where they were laughing, joking around like they used to do. But on the other side, it was good to know what his Balthazar was thinking, after three years without understand him. "I don't care," he said, shaking his head quickly. "I need you." He grabbed Balthazar's sweatshirt with a desperate look, moving closer to him. Castiel's worst fear was being away from Balthazar again; they'd been far from each other for too long. As long as he had Balthazar by his side, all the other problems would be arranged.
Balthazar covered Castiel's hands with his own over his chest, grabbing them and replacing the cloth by his own hands. He nodded slowly, looking at Castiel's eyes as he enlaced their fingers; hands held high between their bodies. "Alright." He stretched down their arms, letting their hands rest by the line of their hips. "I just need a couple of days to solve a few things, and then I'll come back." Balthazar let go of one of Castiel and placed it on Castiel back as he came closer and kissed him gently.
"Promise?" Castiel asked in a warm whisper, brushing his nose to Balthazar's. He didn't doubt what Balthazar said, but one thing he knew was that Balthazar always kept his promises. So he made a promise to make sure Balthazar would return.
Balthazar smiled and brought his other hand to touch Castiel's cheek. "I promise, Cassie."
Castiel kissed him again, deeper and more passionate, with his arms around Balthazar's neck. Pressing against him, Balthazar made him take a few small steps back and soon he was trapped between Balthazar and his car. He put his arms on Castiel's waist and held him tight as their tongues moved together and Castiel slid his fingers through his blond hair.
They only stopped when they heard a surprised 'Oh!' that came from middle aged woman that passed by. Fortunately it was no one they knew. But Castiel still felt uncomfortable and he hid his face on Balthazar's neck. He was glad the woman didn't say anything else and carried her way out of the park. Balthazar chuckled softly. It was strange; it had been a long time since he laughed that way. But it felt good to be happy again.
"You want me to take you home?" he asked to Castiel.
"No, you don't have to. It isn't too far." Besides, someone could recognize them on the way.
"Alright." Balthazar nodded. "Then, see you soon." He gave him a contained smile.
But Castiel didn't hide his contentment and smiled widely. He gave Balthazar one last kiss. "Love you," he whispered and then he walked away.
Balthazar had to seriously control himself not to go after Castiel and give him a replay of what they did last night.
Castiel walked all the way home with the most stupid grin on his face. He was so full of love and happiness... like he hadn't been in a long time.
I started writing this story about a year ago. Half of it I wrote now, so sorry if you noticed any difference in the way it is written. My writing has the tendency to change over time. But I hope you enjoyed it :)
And I was wondering if I should continue or not. What do you think? Would you like to know more about Castiel and Balthazar's past, especially the three years they were apart?