Ramen Romance

Disclaimer:

They're mine! They're mine! ALLLL MIIIIINE!!!! ::cough:: Yeah. I don't own Yu Yu Hakusho, it's characters, Liz Phair (thank god), KFC, and unexplainable phenomena that only happen every two millennia - those happen all on their own.

Claimer:

Uh...is there anything about this stupid thing I actually want to claim? Well, the story-line and plot. But this is a parody, and this idea has been done soo many times before. I'm basically doing this for my own pleasure because there are some pretty bad stories out there now-a-days (but no offense to anyone!). I guess I own my version of Sue (that's Mary Sue) and Tsuki and Rose and the other random people that pop up that aren't from YYH; I also own the black warp holes that keep popping up, and I think that's it. Please ask my permission before using anything from this story, and this includes quotes. I'm not possessive, I just like getting mail.

-- Chapter One --

"Hiei?" quipped a tall red-head to the short spiky-haired demon next to him.

"Hn," came Hiei's ever-popular reply.

Kurama glanced at his reflection in a small hand-held mirror, then slipped it into his back pocket. "Why are all the girls always attracted to you first? What's wrong with me?"

Hiei raised an eyebrow, turning to look into the woods behind them. Behind just abour every tree lurked a "hiding" female, each leering hungrily at the pair walking down the path. "What are you talking about? Girl's don't like us."

"You're right, they're don't like us. They like you!" argued the kitsune.

Hiei shrugged, not caring to bring up Kurama's fanclub. He didn't know what kind of self-doubting period Kurama was going through, but it could just be one of those 'phases' human psychologists are always muttering about. Hiei, knowing next to nothing about humans, chose to act as he always did. Big surprise there. "I don't know what's wrong with them, but it's getting annoying. And I'm running out of places to hide the bodies," the short demon said off-handedly. "But I think it may be your hair. How many people a day ask if you're male or female?"

Kurama sighed dejectedly. "The numbers are increasing," he said thoughtfully, taking a forlorn look at his long red hair.

Hiei's hand wondered to the hilt of his katana. "I could cut it for you, you know." His other hand fingered a few strands of his companion's locks.

Kurama pulled away, adding in a teasing tone, "Hiei, I've told you before - I'm not interested in that kind of thing." Hiei stuffed his hands into his pockets and glared at his friend.

Before either of them could say anything to fill the awkward silence that had suddenly descended upon them, a giant black hole ripped into the pretty forest scenery around them. "What on earth is that?!" exclaimed Kurama, staring wide-eyed at the swirling black void.

Hiei, emotionless as ever, took a tentative step towards it. And another. And another. And then before he could take another, the fire demon was sucked into the mass of black.

- - - -

The next thing he knew, Hiei was being pulled along an annoyingly brightly lit hallway by a girl with impossibly perfect hair and flawless pop-star skin. And then...It spoke!

"Oh, my GAWD! I can't believe you're here!" it said in an annoying, sing-song, female voice, continuing to babble on about her disbelief that Hiei was, in fact, locked in her death grip.

The fire demon, however, had other plans. He also had a mundane life to get back to on the other side of the black hole. So he asked It bluntly, "Who the hell are you?" Then he realized that he sounded like he cared, so he added, "Not that I care, anyway." There, better .

"I'm Liz Phair! God, I've written, like, soooo many songs about you! This is so totally awesome!" It - I mean, Liz Phair - said loudly.

Hiei gave her a bored look and asked, "Where's Kurama?" Except it wasn't really a question, more like a demand masked as a question.

It - I mean, Liz Phair - flipped her perfect hair over her shoulder while her eyes twinkled, not noticing Hiei's blatantly impatient tone. "Like, who cares? You have ME now!"

Lucky Hiei ::cough cough::. "I don't "have" you," Hiei pointed out, emphasizing his point with finger-quotes from his free hand. "You have me. And I'd strongly advise you let go now."

But It - I mean, Liz Phair - didn't let go. In fact, she only tightened her grip, making Hiei wonder if his hand was still getting enough blood. It was starting to look a little blue - "B-But..." It interrupted Hiei's thoughts, giving him a pitifully meant-to-be-sweet-looking pleading face, "I can't breathe when I think about you! I can't speak when I talk about you! I - " It took a breath, then said in an excited whisper, "I love you!"

Oh, was he supposed to be excited as well? ...He wasn't feeling anything but annoyance from this idiotic human. And so he told her, "Pathetic human, I almost feel sorry for doing this." With that, he knocked her unconscious, it being against his intricate and often confusing Honor Code to kill her. You see, his Code was so intricate and confusing that not only does it deserve the capitol letters, but it even confused Hiei himself sometimes. Like now. He wasn't sure if it was okay to kill her or not...but he knocked her out just in case.

He again realized that it sounded like he cared again, so he added, "But then again, I don't really care." There, better -.

But Hiei's ordeal was not over - not by far. I mean, come on, I have to build a story around this. Four teenaged girls suddenly appeared - quite literally out of thin air - in cheerleader outfits that accentuated their every curve and made them appear beautiful and began to chant, "Go Hiei! Go Hiei! Go Hiei!"

Hiei, having overcome his initial shock at what was happening, growled like a cornered animal. "There's more of them?!" he asked in exasperation and sank into a fighting position. The girls shrieked and instantly disappeared to...wherever they originated from. Hiei smirked to himself and stood.

A vaguely familiar noise caught his attention and he turned to see that blasted black hole, the one that lead him to this hell! The fire demon turned niftily on his heel and walked into it.

- - - -

On the other side of the warp hole (which is what the black hole really was), Hiei found himself back in the forest. But...Kurama was nowhere to be seen. Poor Hiei. Instead, he spied a teenaged girl with acidic green-tipped bright orange hair spiked into a mohawk, dressed to rival a dominatrix. His interest was sparked immediately.

Just kidding!

Actually, the girl had dirty blonde hair so dark that was almost light brown. She looked like a goody-two-shoes that always follows the rules and snitches on the bad-asses. Hiei quickly tried to duck behind a tree, for fear of the girl being another gibbering idiot who would confess her love to him. Or it could be because he was an infamous bad-ass and he didn't need any goody-two-shoes snitching on him. It was probably more of the first reason, however, because the world is just too full of rabid fangirls, and Hiei knew this fact all too well.

The girl appeared to be lost, a fact proven true when she cried out to the sky, "What the - ?! Where am I?!" She looked down, discovering her attire was now a traditional Japanese kimono. "And what the hell am I doing in a kimono?!"

While she was looking around, she spotted Hiei (who was conspicuously concealing himself behind a shrub - you're not that short, Hiei!) . "Oh, hey Hiei," she called out to him.

It took Hiei a second to register that she was talking to him. You see, he thought he was doing a very good job of hiding, and was not aware that his hair gave him away in the most obvious way. He quickly recovered, eloquently throwing out, "I-you-hiding...shrub? Do I know you?"

The girl tried her hardest not to giggle, but failed horribly. Hiei gave her a death glare, an action completely and utterly wasted because she wasn't even looking at him. She soon stopped laughing, to Hiei's relief, and said, "I'm --blankthat'ssupposedtobehere--, but you can call me Sue! You probably don't know me, but I kind of know you. I've seen you..." she paused, thought for a second, and continued, "...somewhere before that I've conveniently forgotten for the moment."

"Hn," grunted Hiei. "Have you seen anyone around here with green eyes and long red hair that he won't let anyone cut?"

"You mean Kurama? No. You know, I don't even know how I got here. One minute I was sitting in my friend's house - in pants, by the way - and then this weird black hole appeared and I was here - in this kimono," Sue said in one breath.

"The same thing happened to me," replied Hiei, then quickly added, "Except without the changing clothes part. I just escaped from some thing calling herself Liz Phair."

"I pity you. How'd you escape?" asked Sue, now interested.

"By the time I knocked her out, that black warp hole had come back and I just came back here."

Sue gave him a wide-eyed incredulous look. "You knocked out Liz Phair?"

"Was she of any importance?" asked Hiei

"No - that's why I've been trying to poison her for months! This just isn't fair - I'm going to find another one of those black warp holes!" cried Sue, before stalking off down the dirt path.

Hiei had a sudden urge to keep Sue near him - I don't know why though, it was one of those unexplainable phenomena that only happen every two millennia. "Get back here, onna!" the short demon called to Sue's retreating back.

Sue whirled around. "It's either --blankthat'ssupposedtobehere-- or Sue, not 'onna'! What do you want?"

But the problem with these unexplainable phenomena that only happen every two millennia is that no one knows why they happen. Apply that fact to the situation at hand and you get a speechless Hiei! "I...I'm lost," he finally spurted out.

The girl scoffed. "I can't help you there. I don't even know where we are, remember?"

"Then why are you walking away? I know where we are, and I could find a warp hole faster than you can any day," he said in a tone similar to a high-school male challenging another high-school male. Unfortunately for Hiei, in this context it only made him sound like an overly-confident jackass.

Which is exactly what Sue heard. "You overly-confident jackass! It's just because I'm a girl, isn't it! Well I'll show you!" With that, Sue continued stalking down the path with her head held high, feeling very good that she'd basically told off Hiei the Overly-Confident Jackass. I'm getting to like that phrase, too.

But Hiei was getting aggravated. His day wasn't turning out to be that great - first dealing with a self-doubting Kurama, then escaping from the clutches of yet another annoyingly rabid fangirl, and now getting called an overly-confident jackass! It was enough to make him want to float on up to Cloud Nine and dream about his acidic green-tipped, bright-orange-hair-that-was-spiked-into-a-mohawk girl, who was still dressed to rival a dominatrix.

Just kidding!

It actually made him kind of mad. But that pesky unexplainable phenomenon that only happened every two millennia was still in effect, which over-rode his anger. It's all elementary, you see. Two plus two equals four - it just can't be any other way. And, getting back on topic, Hiei was in the process of making a spur-of-the-moment decisions stupid enough to rival one of Yusuke's, uh, strategies. With his oh-so-precise aim, he tossed his beloved katana towards Sue's retreating back. Don't worry, it didn't actually hit her, because he used his superior skill to aim it at the back of her kimono.

It was supposed to stop her in her tracks, leaving Hiei to do with her as he pleased. But, because it was a plan formulated in milli-seconds flat (we all know how fast Hiei is), and because it's stupidity level could be compared to that of one of Yusuke's "plans", it had a different effect.

Rrrrriip...

Oh, it stopped her in her tracks all right. The 'different effect' part was the long rip trailing from the tip of Hiei's katana (which was currently holding a bit of the kimono material to the ground) to conveniently just below Sue's gluteus maximus. Doesn't the scientific name sound spiffy?

"Damn...if only I were straight," muttered Hiei to himself, taking in the scene before his crimson eyes.

He was interrupted from his thoughts when Sue, a light red hue to her cheeks, asked, "Hey, do you have a hair clip or something I can borrow?" and looked at him expectantly.

Brief lesson: Hiei plus Hair Clips equals Apocalypse. You can tell what that answer was.

"Hn."

"Oh, come on. You expect me to believe that your hair stays like that naturally??"

"Hn." Hiei folded his arms across his chest, a sign that that conversation was now over.

Sue rolled her eyes, then proceeded to yank the katana out of the ground. She held it in her hands for a moment, admiring its shininess in the sunlight, and then cut off the excess material of the kimono. That left her with a funky mini-dress/kimono kind of thing going on. She just shrugged, pulled a ponytail off her wrist, and tied the back of the new dress in a way that didn't show off her ass...ets.

"Are you done yet?" Obviously patience is not a virtue in Hiei's eyes.

"Yup!" Sue exclaimed, tossing Hiei's katana through the air to him. He caught it with an expert's ease and was about to go when Sue suddenly said, "Hey!"

"What is it now, onna?"

"Why are you going that way?" Sue questioned innocently.

"Didn't we already discuss this? To find a black warp hole," the fire demon said, not having turned around yet.

"Why do we have to find one when it's right there?"

Hiei turned to see Sue pointing to an obvious, swirling black hole that had once again ripped through the pleasant forest scenery.

"I wonder what would happen if I poked it...?" Sue wondered aloud before taking a tentative step towards the ominous black mass.

Hiei shook his head, wondering how dense a human could get. When he finally stopped his head-shaking, he realized that Sue would be soon sucked into the black warp hole. Part of him said, "Good riddance!"...but another part said, "Unexplainable phenomena!"...while another part screamed, "Fried chicken!". In seconds flat, he had shaken his head again (to rid himself of the voices) and went with the 'Unexplainable phenomena!' voice (though he was tempted to go get some KFC...).

But before Hiei could move, and before Sue could poke the warp hole, another girl sped out, bringing Sue down to the dirt with her as she fell out. Hiei was just going to shoot out a cryptically humorous comment (because cryptic humor is pretty much the only humor seen from Hiei) when a squeal resonated around the forest. The Squeal Heard Round the World was then followed by, "Tsuki!"

- - - -