The Love Guru

By Lily Orange

Summary: Harry turns to his godfather, Sirius Black, infamous womaniser, for relationship advice with Ginny. Unfortunately for Harry, Sirius is not the most ahem, serious of Love Gurus. What ensues is hilarity, romance, friendship and fun...

A/N: Hi! I'm back - after what, a couple of days? Well this is the start of a story I'm writing for my lovely friend Tanny Apple's birthday in March time - and this is as far as I've got as I've begun working on another story which I'll start posting in a couple of weeks :) therefore this is going to remain as the first chapter until after her birthday in March as otherwise she'll read it, hehe!

Thank you so much for all the support I had through Such Sweethearts and You Leave Me Breathless - I really appreciated it and seeing all those lovely reviews made my day! I hope you like this just as much, please review :) Have a great week!

Chapter 1

For Merlin's Sake, Don't Use Sirius' Chat Up Lines!

"So, Harry," Sirius Black began, sitting comfortably on the now completely clean and absent of moth holes settee at Number Twelve, Grimmauld Place, "I hear that you have something you wanted to ask me... about a certain young, pretty redhead..."

"What?" Harry replied abruptly. The sixteen-year-old physically felt his pulse quicken slightly, but hoped his somewhat idiotic and stupid reply was nonchalant enough to stop Sirius from pursuing the subject any further.

"Aw, come on Harry," Sirius grinned widely, "don't play the brainless teenager with me. I know something's up with that redhead!"

"I wasn't playing," Harry said, "and, um, what redhead?"

"Harry," Sirius snorted with laughter, and leaned forward on the sofa to lessen the gap between him and his godson, who was sat opposite him on a stack of old copies of the Daily Prophet, gulping down pumpkin juice from the large goblet in his hand, "I know."

"Know what? About what redhead?" Harry continued, attempting to be indifferent. His hands were clenching his goblet tightly now, for fear of Sirius actually discovering anything incriminating.

"What redhead? Harry, the younger sister of your best friend, the redhead who, at this present moment in time, is helping her mother cook a Sunday roast in the kitchen just the floor above us," Sirius said, his stormy grey eyes, the sames ones that had charmed many a woman in his day, looking up to the ceiling pointedly. Harry's emerald green eyes, the exact size and shape of his mother's, followed involuntarily.

"Still don't know what you mean," Harry shrugged, looking down to the floor, deciding this was the best way to keep himself from being found out.

Sirius merely laughed, but not in a mocking way. "I mean Ginny," Sirius continued, placing careful emphasis on the name of the fifteen-year-old who was currently gossiping away with her mother upstairs whilst chopping up zillions of vegetables for the roast which the Weasley family, Harry, Hermione and Sirius would be sharing. He smiled when he observed Harry's face flush beetroot red, blatantly giving away exactly what the young man had been trying to conceal.

"Oh, Ginny?" Harry said, trying to rectify the situation even though he knew his body temperature was rising exponentially, and his stomach was dancing in somersaults. "Yeah, we're friends."

"You know who said that to me?" Sirius told him reminiscently. "Your lovely mother. You obviously know the stories we have told you about James' consistent pursuit of Lily Evans, his goddess divine. Well, during our sixth year, she started hanging around with him more and more, organising sometimes to do homework together in the library, sitting nearer him at mealtimes and even meeting with us, the Marauders, in the Three Broomsticks with her friends. So, naturally, one evening when it was just me and Lily in the Gryffindor Common Room, me trying to break the Marauder record for how many chairs I could lounge across at once and Lily completing an essay for Professor Slughorn, I asked her about James. I remember the whole conversation; I said, 'Lily, you seem to be awfully close to a certain messy-haired Quidditch captain best friend of mine,' to which she looked up and did exactly what you just did, tried to nonchalantly deny it. So then I went, 'Are you sure Lily? You are spending a lot of time with James at the moment,' and she blushed, her face turning so scarlet it practically matched her hair. Still she tried to deny it, but I knew better. Well, I went and liaised with her friends a little bit and they filled me in. And, do you know what happened Harry? They ended up married."

"I'm a bit young for marriage, Sirius," Harry pointed out, forgetting to keep his guard down on his feelings for his best friend Ron Weasley's younger sister Ginny.

"So you do admit it, then?" Sirius said, beaming at him excitedly.

"That's, that's – not what I said," Harry stuttered.

"But it's what you mean, right?" Sirius said. "There's no point trying to keep it from me Harry. I am an expert when it comes to women."

"Yeah," Harry snorted.

"Actually I am," Sirius retorted.

"Prove it."

"Okay. I had forty-three girlfriends when I was at Hogwarts, three fan clubs dedicated after me, was named 'Hogwarts' Sexiest Marauder' for four years running, I won out of all of us. It would have been your dad but he was too wrapped up in Lily to give anybody else a chance, which I kind of admire. But anyway, I charmed my way through all those girls and left a lasting impression which meant that I had graffiti dedicated to me in the girls' toilets, on the mirrors in permanent ink, surrounding by lipstick marks–" Sirius began reeling off all his female-related achievements.

"And how do you know that?" Harry interjected inquisitively.

"Don't ask; it was a strange day. Almost as strange as the day we transfigured three desks in an empty classroom into large pink elephants who, when released into the wild, i.e. the school corridors, danced amongst the students like they were at a siesta. But, more on that another day..." Sirius smiled sheepishly. "Now, where was I? Oh yes, graffiti. I had three thousand and twelve notes shoved under our dorm room door over my time at Hogwarts, some of which I have kept as they make me laugh every time."

"Can I read them?" Harry questioned, intrigued.

"I suppose," Sirius said, getting up off the settee and wandering over to the bookcase, on which was a faded Zonko's Joke Shop box that used to contain, Harry observed, Dr Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks, favoured particularly by the Weasley twins. "Here you go!" he said, plonking the surprisingly heavy box in Harry's lap.

"Bloody hell, Sirius," Harry cursed, prising open the lid which had been spellotaped down in several places.

"Harry, watch your language," Sirius warned, "what you should have said was, 'Bloody hell, Sirius, this is bleeding heavy!'"

Harry laughed and picked up the first letter, which was written in shocking pink ink and bordered by hearts and flowers interlinked with small letters constantly spelling out, 'I Love You', and began to read.

Dearest, darling Sirius, it read,

You may not know me but my name is Rabina Reander, and I am a fifth-year Ravenclaw, and I am utterly in love with you and believe that we, together, would make the loveliest couple Hogwarts, neigh, the WORLD, has ever seen. Don't you see how well our names fit together?: Sirius and Rabina. Rabina and Sirius. We can put your name first if you like, and I will fully take your surname and name our child, if male, Sirius Junior. Sirius Junior will be the most blessed child on this earth as he will inherit your supreme wit, intelligence, striking and incomparable looks and enchanting eyes.

You know this is a future for you Sirius; I am seriously in love with you.

Yours, forever and ever,

Rabina Reander xxx

"Ah, Rabina," Sirius smiled. "She was a very obsessive fan girl."

"What did she, er, go on to do?" Harry asked.

"As soon as she left school she embarked upon a search of the world to find my equal, as she obviously didn't want my brother – but, she returned to London, dejected and defeated in her search, and died of loneliness," Sirius said histrionically.

"What really happened to her?" Harry inquired sceptically, eyebrows raised suspiciously.

"She went to work in Eeylops Owl Emporium," Sirius provided. Harry smirked and put Rabina's crazy letter aside so he could read the next one.

Sirius I am the perfect girl for you and think that you would love me once you got to know me, seeing as you've never spoken to me. However I've watched you from afar and know instinctively that you would love me just as much as I love you.

I love you,

Cynthia Moore

"Well that was to the point," Harry commented in amusement. "Are all of them pretty much like this?"

"Yeah – but I do have a personal favourite," Sirius informed him, taking the box and rifling through the papers.

"So what happened to Cynthia? Without the dramatics?" Harry questioned.

"She sat on the bench outside this house every day, all day, watching my bedroom window until my charming mother zapped her one day with a ray gun–" Sirius began histrionically, but Harry just looked at him, dying not to laugh.

"What! I've been reading these books Hermione bought me, these science-fiction things, they're good!" he said, holding his hands up in defence. "Um, I think Cynthia went to work for the Ministry in the animals office."

"Why are they all obsessed with animals?" Harry asked him.

"I don't know, to tell you the truth," Sirius laughed. "Perhaps it's because after they fell in love with me, they could only find companionship in animals."

"That's likely," Harry snorted.

"Thanks, Harry, for believing in me so much. Anyway, here's my personal favourite," Sirius told him, handing over a piece of parchment that had very little writing on it, as most of the space was taken up with a highly detailed drawing of Sirius and a girl named, Harry observed from the curly signature at the bottom, Arabella Weatherby, getting married.

"It gets even more entertaining if you turn it over," Sirius said, seeing Harry's laughing face.

Harry obliged, and saw that on the back that Arabella – who, it had to be said, was a talented artist – had drawn four children, two boys and two girls, that would be her and Sirius' children. She had even labelled them in her loopy handwriting with how they resembled both her and Sirius and how they would inherit all of Sirius' attributes.

"Merlin – what the bloody hell happened to her?"

"Now, this is actually one hundred percent true: she writes the love advice column in the Daily Prophet, she is Aunty Arabella," Sirius guffawed. Harry joined in – it was kind of funny.

"How did you do it then? I mean, get all these girls to like you?" Harry inquired meekly.

"With my devilish good looks and handsome brain," Sirius said superciliously, jumping up from the settee and replacing the box of letters on the shelf.

"Um, yeah, sure," Harry shook his head disbelievingly and leaned back against the wall behind him. The stack of newspapers he was sitting on was quite comfortable, especially when he put that cushion on top of them.

"But anyway, this isn't about me," Sirius reminded his godson emphatically, "this is about you and Ginny."

At the mentioning of Ginny's name, Harry instantaneously reddened uncontrollably.

"You can't keep doing that, otherwise you'll give it away! But I suspect some people already know – you could go down the James Potter 'I-Want-Everybody-In-The-World-To-Know-That-I'm-In-Love-With-Lily' route, but, to be honest, it's probably not the best way to go about it. I'd recommend the Sirius Black 'I'll-Use-My-Natural-Gifts-To-Make-This-Girl-Like-Me-Back-And-Realise-How-Bloody-Sexy-I-Am' way of going about it," Sirius said cheerfully.

"Who else knows? How did you know about it in the first place?" Harry asked indignantly.

"Your very clever bushy-haired friend who is sat in the library two floors above us," Sirius smiled enigmatically. "But that's not important. What is important is that you get your foot in the door with Ginny."

Harry squirmed at this and Sirius shook his head, "Get your mind out of the gutter Harry, not even I was that bad... well, perhaps a little. But anyway, you need to give her an inkling at you like her."

"What does that entail?"

"Harry, you're making it sound like an exam or a job! You like this girl, for Merlin's sake! You chat her up," Sirius said slowly as if talking to an imbecile.

"Um," Harry said nervously, "I'm not the best at that."

"Sure you're not. You had a girlfriend last year, didn't you? That stunning Chinese girl, what was her name?" Sirius inquired.

"Cho," Harry provided, "but Ginny's different to Cho. I can actually talk to Ginny, whereas Cho it was more, 'Oh-My-Merlin-This-Girl-Is-Looking-At-Me-And-Smiling'."

"Do you still like Cho, then?" Sirius said, wrinkling his nose.

"No. I like Ginny. But how do I chat her up? With Cho I comforted her when she was crying... and, well, one thing led to another..." Harry said unsurely.

"Easy. You pick a chat up line from Sirius Black's supreme list of them!" Sirius said, drawing a rolled up piece of parchment out of his pocket. "It got James a girlfriend, who was then his wife, didn't it?"

"Hmmn," Harry said doubtfully, taking the parchment gingerly out of his godfather's hand.

"Cast your eyes down and pick one!" Sirius encouraged.

Harry did what he was told: well, the first part anyway. He scanned the list and read lots of different cheesy chat up lines scrawled in Sirius' handwriting.

If you were a garden I'd put your two lips and my two lips together ... Is your dad a burglar? Just speculating because he must have stolen the stars to go in your [insert eye colour here] eyes ... Is your dad a terrorist? Because you're the bomb ... If I controlled the alphabet I'd rearrange it and put U and I together ... What colour eyes do you reckon our children will have ... Is that a ladder in your tights or is it the stairway to heaven ...

"Sirius?" Harry asked, his emerald eyes glued to the bottom of the parchment.

"Yep? You think it's a work of genius, don't you?" Sirius winked.

"Er, I suppose, but – why does it say, at the bottom, in what looks like female handwriting, 'For Merlin's sake, don't use Sirius' chat up lines'?" Harry grinned roguishly.

"That was Lily, that was," Sirius shook his head exasperatedly, "she didn't appreciate my high amounts of wit and intelligence."

"Yeah, 'cause you had bags of them, didn't you?" Harry teased. "Though I kind of agree with my mum's advice."

"Just pick one!" Sirius growled. "They are a hundred percent guaranteed to work every time."

"I don't think Ginny will appreciate them, to be honest," Harry told him earnestly and, at that point, the girl herself sauntered in and plonked herself down on the sofa beside Sirius, smiling brightly.

"What won't I appreciate?" she asked curiously. Harry couldn't but help notice the way her brown eyes glinted, reflecting the sun's rays, which were streaming in through the window; or the way she subconsciously tossed her hair over her shoulder and it looked all tousled and beautifully crimson; or the way when she smiled she made him feel weak at the knees.

"Nothing," Harry said, and concurrently Sirius invented the excuse of, "This old book I found." They looked at each other shiftily.

"Nothing," Sirius conceded, at the same time as Harry saying, "This old book Sirius found."

Ginny raised her eyebrows charily. "So what is it – nothing or an old book Sirius found?"

"Er, the old book," Harry answered rapaciously. "You'd hate it, it's all, um, rubbish and moth-eaten."

"Well, you never know, Hermione might be able to fix it up for me," she grinned, "let's see it."

Harry and Sirius just looked at each other, panic-stricken, whilst Ginny watched them with interest.

"I think you left it upstairs, didn't you, Harry?" Sirius said meaningfully and nodded towards the door.

"Oh, er, yeah, I did," Harry informed her.

"Well, go and get it then!" Ginny prompted him. Harry didn't need to be asked twice; he immediately exited the room and bounded up the stairs in the direction of the library.

"Hermione!" he called desperately as he deposited himself on the landing. His brunette, bushy-haired friend poked her head out from behind the open door of the library.

"Wha– are you okay, Harry? You look a bit out of breath," she observed, moving aside to let him in.

"Can you find me a moth-eaten old book that's rubbish?" Harry begged her.

"Honestly, Harry, no books are rubbish!" she reprimanded him. "Except perhaps these pureblood ones, but I'm going to ask Sirius if we can throw them away. Maybe we could go to Flourish and Blotts, seeing as he is a free man now, and buy some books!" she continued excitedly. Harry rolled his eyes whilst his best friend went off on a tangent about book shopping.

"Hermione, please just find me a book!" he cut in the middle of her rambling speech about the highs and lows of buying books.

"How about this one?" she suggested, picking a particularly old and mouldy-looking volume from the top shelf of a bookcase behind the door.

"Perfect," Harry agreed as he scanned the title – The Goblin Dictionary. "This is great. Thanks Hermione!" he said, running out of the library, and leaving his bewildered friend behind.

He banged open the door to the room in which Sirius and Ginny were in, and presented her with the book, ardently wishing that he wasn't blushing when she looked at him.

She took one look of the title, pulled a face, and said, "I think you were right, Harry. This looks like a bloody awful book." She calmly handed it back to him and smiled. "See you at dinner, Harry!"

When she had left the room, both Harry and Sirius breathed a sigh of relief.

"Er, Sirius..." Harry began.

"What?"

"Why exactly do you have a Goblin dictionary?" Harry asked.

"That, young grasshopper, is a story for another day," Sirius grinned.

I hope you liked it, please review! Thanks for reading, hugs and kisses,

:) x Lily Orange x (: