AN: This story is a birthday present for BookWorm77071 here on ol' fanfiction dot com. It's an AU where James and Lily are still alive, corresponding with their son. There is a bit of Jily fluff at the end. Enjoy!
"That is the last time I'm going to the kitchens without taking the Invisibility Cloak," proclaimed Harry as he slumped into the armchair by the Gryffindor Common Room fireplace next to his best friend Ron.
"Really? What brought this on?" Ron asked, curious.
"Romilda Vane, that's who." Harry growled under his nose.
Ron understood immediately. The girl had been on Harry's case for weeks now, flirting and throwing 'seductive' looks his way at every opportunity. Harry, however, did not like her like that, and time after time she failed to get the message.
Since Ron had learned the hard way not to ask what exactly had Romilda done the last time, he continued doing his homework and let Harry alone, knowing his friend preferred this treatment whenever he came in contact with the persistent brunette.
The reluctant peace was soon to be shattered, however, since Ron's brothers Fred and George had decided to crash their misery party. "Ah, Harrikins, just the person we were looking for," exclaimed Fred (at least, Ron thought it was Fred, since he was wearing a G on his jumper), while the other twin looked over Harry with a twinkle in his eyes that Harry couldn't help but be disconcerted by.
"So, Harry, little Gin-Gin told us that you were accosted by none other than Romilda Vane again." George (?) said.
"Do not speak her name in my presence," Harry ground out, which, Ron thought, made him seem quite menacing.
One of the twins smirked, and was just about to say something that would undoubtedly rile Harry even further, but the other twin had kicked him in the ankle. Harry expected the first reaction, but the second one had caught him rather off guard.
F coughed. "Yes, under normal circumstances we would have teased you about her to no end, but the thing is, Prongs Jr, we need your potions expertise." Harry sat up straighter. "But your black haired stalker had been keeping you in a rather unpleasant mood lately," G continued, "so it had been damn near impossible to get you to help us with our little extra curriculum project, since we would make your life a living hell and you wouldn't have helped us."
"And since we simply can't put this off anymore, we have devised a plot to get you rid of her for good." F concluded. Harry smirked. It was always a good feeling knowing he was respected in the pranking world, and not just because of his father. After the war had ended, his mum decided to become a Potions Mistress, and passed a lot of knowledge onto her son. So even if Snape was a terrible teacher, Harry's potions have always been impeccable, since the second his mum discovered just how had the Potions education worsened at Hogwarts, she started tutoring him over the summer. Needless to say, neither Harry, nor James were pleased, but since Remus had told Harry about a few of potion based pranks, Harry had thrown himself into studies with a vigour he never knew he had, and James had even snuck a peek at a couple of lessons to see whether he could find a new use for whatever potion Lily had been showing Harry that day.
"Alright you two, let's see what have you come up with," Harry said after he was done with glowing in the feeling that the twins deemed him worthy enough to help him.
They told him.
Harry's eye twitched.
Ron couldn't help but fear for his life.
And the twins just stood there, believing they had cooked up the most perfect plan ever. Well, it was up to Ron to correct that.
"Are you crazy?! That can go bad in so many ways I can't even count them all!"
F tsked while G looked offended. "Do you lack faith in Mr Prongs?"
"YES!" Ron shouted, and then looked to Harry for help. Luckily for him, his best mate seemed to agree with him.
"Well," Harry looked uncomfortable, not wanting to insult one of the guys his unstable allies worshipped, "He is rather unreliable, you can't deny that."
They seemed to acknowledge this. "Yes, but we thought long and hard about this and we came to the conclusion that we can count on Mr Prongs in this one. See, Rom…" G was stopped in middle of sentence by Harry's glare, "ahem, I mean a certain someone doesn't have a sense of humour. Remember that one time we changed all the mirrors in Gryffindor bathrooms to fun house ones and she did nothing but rage until McGonagall made us change them back? She neither laughed, nor appreciated the rather complicated spell work that went into that prank. We're sure that when you write this into your letter, Mr Prongs will make sure she never lays her eyes on you ever again."
Harry was impressed. They put some serious thought into this, and he had to acknowledge: that was one heck of an argument. And he was getting rather desperate.
"Alright," he said. "Let's write that letter."
The next day Harry and the three Weasley boys walked into the Great Hall like ground could explode beneath their feet any moment. They weren't far from the truth, really. Asking for a favour from the Marauders, and in a love department at that, was risky business. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
When the group sat behind the table, they could barely wait for the post to come. Actually, Fred and George couldn't wait for the post to come, Harry feared that moment.
They didn't have to wait long, however. In less than five minutes the owls swooped in, between them was one distinctive snowy owl carrying even more distinctive red envelope in its clutches. When Harry took the letter and flipped it in his hands a couple of times, not caring about the smoke. What was he thinking? He essentially asked his father to prank him! Had he gone completely round the bend this time? Well, there's no going back now, he thought as he opened the Howler.
Harry was ready and prepared for the onslaught of sound his ears would have to suffer, so it rather surprised him when nothing happened. At first. Instead of usual ear-piercing screech, something entirely else went out of the envelope. Namely, a sample of skunk stench. Element of surprise really was key to successful pranking, it seemed. And just as Harry and people were done being shocked by this unusual Howler, the second wave came.
"HARRY JAMES POTTER! WHAT IS THIS I'M HEARING ABOUT YOU DATING ROMILDA VANE! YOU WILL STOP THIS NONSENSE AT ONCE! THE GIRL IS MORE STUCK UP THAN ALL THE TEACHING STAFF PUT TOGETHER! AND DON'T WORRY MINERVA, THAT WASN'T AIMED AT YOU!"
At this point, everyone glanced at said professor and those who could see her facial expression would later swear up and down she had a wide smile on her face.
She would later deny it, naturally.
"SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE QUIDDITCH! BUT I DIGRESS! WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS DO NOT THINK FOR A SECOND THINK I DO NOT HAVE AGENTS IN THAT CASTLE, SON, BECAUSE I DO. ONE WRONG MOVE AND IT'S GOING TO BE MORE THAN SKUNK STENCH I'M SENDING YOUR WAY!"
At this part Harry closed his eyes and sent a message to Merlin above. That's it, you've said all you had to, just stop now…
"AND ONE LAST ADVICE: YOU KNOW, IF YOU WANT A GIRLFRIEND SO MUCH, WHY NOT CONSIDER GINNY WEASLEY? WITH FRED AND GEORGE AS HER BROTHERS, I'M SURE IT'D BE GREAT TO KEEP HER AROUND! AND WHAT ABOUT QUIDDITCH? WE'VE BOTH SEEN HER ON A BROOMSTICK OVER A SUMMER AND I'M TELLING YOU, THAT IS A FUTURE HOLYHEAD HARPIES MATERIAL! AND SHE'S REDHEAD! LIKE YOUR MOTHER! AND GRANDMOTHER! THAT'S ALL YOU'LL BE HEARING FROM ME NOW. JAMES POTTER OVER AND OUT!"
Really, he should know his father better by now.
As everyone dug into their meals while gossiping on this new development on the Hogwarts dating circuit, Ron turned to Harry and asked: "Know any good air refreshing charms?"
Harry shook his head. "No, but I wouldn't be surprised if it was unaffected by magic, you know, to keep people away."
Ron nodded in agreement and the two of them began to eat.
"So. I heard what happened at school today." said Lily Potter to her husband over dinner.
Smirk started to form on James' face. "You did?"
Lily smiled right back. "I did. I totally approve, by the way. I never liked that Romilda girl. And I must say, presenting Ginny as a new potential girlfriend was a stroke of genius. I always thought they would be great together."
"Great minds think alike, I guess." James leaned over and kissed Lily.
"Although I am a bit bummed that you didn't let me contribute, you know," Lily said a bit later. "I'm always in the know whenever pranking is concerned, why not now?"
James looked sheepish. "I, uh, kind of thought you would stop me from embarrassing our son."
A haughty look from Lily stopped him in his tracks. "Guess you don't know me all that well," she said, but quickly dropped the attitude. "Now, I can't send him a Howler again, Dumbledore could easily think of putting up an anti-Howler ward, and we don't want that." She sent a roughish look her husband's way. "Any ideas?"
James laughed and kissed Lily again. "Did I ever tell you how much I love you?"
Lily kissed him back. "Only a couple of times a day. Don't ever stop, though."
"I never intend to," James assured Lily as the two of them began to hatch a plan to spice up their son's life a bit.