Disclaimer: Let the record show that I do not own nor claim to own Kingdom Hearts. And let the record show that I am not happy about that. *sob*

A/N: What's this? I'm starting another chappie before my other one is finished? OOPS. I'm sure it'll all work out…*cough* I felt like writing something derpy, so…yep.

Bon à lire!

Chain Gang Therapy

Chapter 1 – The Diagnosis

-o-o-o-

"Okay, that is it! I've had it up to here with you idiots!"

When I say Sora never raised his voice, I mean Sora. Never. Raised. His voice. Ever. Anyone on the outside might question his capacity to feel anger at all, considering the gracious way he swept past conflict without any casualties. That of course wasn't true; Sora could feel anger just as well as anyone, he just did a really good job of handling it. Except for now. Now he was royally pissed, and it was coming off in waves. Really, really scary waves.

"All you ever do is fight! Over nothing!"

With the help of his loyal dog—I mean, boyfriend, Sora had lured me and Axel to their apartment, locked the door and proceeded to tear us a new one about our "relationship problems". What relationship problems? How could two friends even have relationship problems? Apparently Sora had found a way, and was now hell-bent on sharing that precious knowledge with us via lots of yelling and wild hand gesticulations.

"I mean, at first, it was kinda funny. Maybe even a little cute. But now? Now it's fucking annoying and I'm sick of it!"

Cussing, too? This really was a marvel to behold. Even Riku's eyes bulged a bit when the F-bomb came down, but Sora kept on trucking, completely bowling over how awkward it was to hear him swearing so vehemently. "And since it doesn't look like this is gonna end anytime soon, I've decided to intervene."

"Well now, wait just one minute," Axel drawled beside me. He was strung over his half—okay, more like three-fourths—of the couch with one hand trailing through those spectacular red spikes of his. (And by 'spectacular' I just mean that they stood out, not that I found them particularly appealing. …Or anything. Especially not when he ruffled them like that; nervous habit, totally Axel.)

"What exactly is the problem here? Roxy and I get along just fine."

I knew it was counterproductive, but I couldn't stop myself: "How many times do I have to tell you, don't call me that!?"

Axel swiveled his head toward me, dropping his hand limply over the arm of the couch. "Why not, Roxy? It suits you."

"I don't like it!"

"Sure you do."

"No! I don't."

"Do too~"

I raised my foot and drove it into his stupid gut, causing him to flop like a big, lanky fish and wheeze attractively. "Take that, firecrotch!"

Axel recovered from the assault and waggled his eyebrows at me. "What was that about my crotch, Foxy?"

I blushed furiously at the lewd nickname. "Shut up, you stupid asshat!" I made to kick him again, but he grabbed my ankle and yanked me across the couch until I was practically upside-down in his lap. Still tomato-red, I started flailing and kicking and mercilessly pummeling every accessible inch of him in an attempt to escape. Axel just smirked like a sexy—I mean stupid—jerk, countering my attacks with the efficiency of experience. "Lemme go, you ass!""

We were so caught up in our scrapping that we didn't hear Sora shouting, "Hey! HEY! Knock it off, you morons!"

We didn't see him storm off to the kitchenette across the room; we didn't see him dump ice and water into a large bucket, and we didn't see him hoist the bucket over us. I was about to ram my foot down Axel's smug throat when we were blasted with a freezing avalanche of pain.

"I said, KNOCK IT OFF!"

Sputtering and cursing, Axel and I disentangled ourselves, turning to glare at Sora, who set down the bucket and regarded us with his hands on his hips (manly) and a scowl on his face (somehow effectively intimidating).

"You want to know what the problem is? That right there." He jabbed a finger at us, I guess referring to the impromptu wrestling match he'd just had to diffuse. "That's the problem! You guys fight over the stupidest little things like it's a matter of life and death!"

"And frankly, the display of excess homoerotic tension is getting pretty old, too," Riku added unhelpfully.

The heat pooling in my face intensified, spreading down my neck and up to my ears. I scrambled spastically to the farthest non-Axel-fied end of the couch, avoiding physical contact at all costs. Homoerotic what now?

"So here's what we're gonna do," Sora declared, motioning for Riku to fetch something out of a closet in the hallway. What he came back with made my heart jump into my throat. "ARE THOSE HANDCUFFS?!"

Axel blinked way too calmly. "Why do you guys even have those?"

"Bedroom adventures."

"Riku! Never mind why we have them. We're going to use them to fix your guys' relationship problems."

I was too terrified by the handcuffs to be amused by the pink spray across Sora's face. "F-F-First of all," I defended, "we don't have any relationship problems. And second, if we did, how the hell would a pair of handcuffs help us?"

"Bedroom adventure?"

"Riku!" Sora snatched the cuffs and started advancing on us, holding them out threateningly. "If you two are forced to spend time together under special circumstances, you'll have no choice but to work through your unresolved issues, and that will bring you closer. Then, your relationship will be fixed and we can all move on with our lives. I'm sure it'll work; I saw it on TV once."

Oh, for the love of God.

"You are not cuffing us together, Sora." I was ignored, and before I could make a run for it, Riku had magicked his way behind the couch and was clutching my wrist. He had also grabbed Axel's, though Axel seemed infinitely less concerned about the situation than he should have been. He looked on curiously as Sora clapped the cuffs around our wrists with two foreboding clicks.

"There," he nodded, satisfied. "Now you two are stuck like that until we decide that you're ready to have them off. And don't even think about looking for the key—I've hidden it where you'll never find it."

My first instinct was to tug on the chain, jerking Axel's arm and accomplishing absolutely nothing. "What, taped to the stick you've got shoved up your ass? Sora, this is ridiculous! How am I supposed to go day to day chained to this idiot?"

"Hey!"

"See, comments like that are what got you into this mess in the first place," Sora returned unsympathetically.

"Uuugh…Can't you just…lock us in a room with a marriage counselor or something?" The chain linking the cuffs together was barely six inches long, so every frustrated hand motion I made dragged Axel's arm along with it. "Or leave us in a broom closet for three days, or…or gouge our eyes out as punishment?"

Axel tugged resentfully on the chain. "You're really not game for this, are you?"

"Are you?"

"Of course! I love spending time with my Roxy!" He gave the chain a determined pull and hauled me into an unyielding bear hug. I would have tried to kick his ass for it, but I was quickly becoming paralyzed with rage.

I bet he was in on it.

I bet it was Axel's idea, and Sora was humoring him, and Riku was humoring Sora.

All three of them were plotting against me, I just knew it.

"How long do we have to stay like this?" I sighed in defeat.

Sora crossed his arms. "Like I said; until we decide you're ready."

"Or until you kill each other," Riku shrugged. "Whichever comes first."

I could feel my eye twitching a little. "I think I'm leaning toward the latter…"

Sora laughed—maniacal bastard. "Well, we better get going." He linked arms with Riku and waved at us before shutting the door behind them. "Good luck!"

And just like that, I was alone.

With Axel.

In handcuffs.

Oh, dear God someone help me.

A/N: I totally did NOT get this idea from Death Note. *sniff* DON'T SUE ME.

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-Slay