I said I didn't want to be here.

I said I didn't want to be around newlyweds.

I said I didn't want to be around so much alcohol but no, Michelle Connor or should I say McDonald knows better than that doesn't she.

She invited me over saying that she wants to talks to me yet she's barley spent anytime out here.

I love Michelle, I really do but she is a real pain in the arse sometimes.

I mean why call me when you obviously can't actually be bothered to sit and talk to me… maybe she just wants to keep an eye on me seeing as Roy is out with Cathy tonight. That's the second time this week so it seems like things are going well between them.

I'm happy for Roy, I really am but sometimes it's like wow… even Roy flamin Cropper has a better social life than me at the moment.

You know when I think about it, I'm not actually sure I want Michelle out ere now. I know exactly what she's going to say.

She'll start the conversation about something trivial like the weather or what movie she watched the night before but then she will casually change the topic to ask if I'm okay. I'll say yes and she'll ask if I'm sure and then say that she's really worried about me and that she really wants me to come and stay at the pub.

I know exactly how the conversation will go because that's the way all our conversations go these days.

Michelle is my best mate, I know she means well, I know that she cares for me but I sometimes just wish that she wasn't such a good mate, I wish that she didn't care so much and then maybe that way I could just be miserable and no one would ever have to know about it.

I am really starting to hate being sat here like this.

As I said, I've explained it all to Michelle already. I've explained the reasons why I don't want to be here…

Well… maybe not all of them but I guess it really wouldn't make a difference if I did tell her the other reason why I don't want to be here, Why I especially don't want to be in this particular room, There are far too many memories for me in here.

I've experienced some of the worst moments of me life in this room.

I mean this is the very room where I found out that my husband was banging the babysitter.

That beautiful little twenty-something who had the world at her feet could have had any man on this street, yet she chose the ageing ex-alcoholic bookie.

Why did she do that?

He was mine. That ridiculously charming, idiotic and gorgeous man was all mine.

How could she have taken him from me like that?

Maybe it was karma. I mean I did take him from Leanne so maybe it was only fair that I got what's coming to me.

This room is also the very same room that he begged me for forgiveness in and this where I promised him that we would never ever get back together.

That was probably the hardest thing I've ever had to do. To pretend that I had moved on and that my feelings had changed when in reality, I'm still as in love with the stupid beggar as I was before I found about him cheating.

I can't sit here anymore… Oh why didn't I just stay at Roy's, I so could have been on Netflix right now, and I could be sat there pretending that my life wasn't such a mess. I could be trying to escape from it all but no, I'm here, in the place where not just my relationship but also my entire world came crashing down.

I've told Michelle I'm doing just fine so why does she continue to treat me like I'm some sort of unstable mental patient who's gonna have a breakdown at any minute?

Okay...

So maybe I'm not fine, maybe I'm so far from fine that I am desperately considering just upping and leaving Weatherfield for good.

Only…I don't want people to think I'm some sort of quitter, like I'm some sort of coward who can't handle a bit of bitchy backstabbing and some silly neighbourhood gossip.

Me leaving would be letting all those moronic idiots win.

They would absolutely relish the idea of me packing up and leaving here for good so it's actually better that I stay… just so I don't give them the satisfaction of beating me.

Besides… me leaving wouldn't help me in the slightest.

It's not like I wouldn't still feel alone.

I wouldn't feel whole again.

Those pieces of me, the ones that are missing, the ones that made me happier than I've ever been, they wouldn't come back if I left, although they seem to be gone forever now.

But just in case they're not gone, just in case those missing pieces decide to come back to me one day, I'll stick around.

I didn't know it before the fire, I didn't realise how much it all still hurts.

I don't cry in front of Michelle.

I don't cry in front of Roy.

I don't cry in front of anyone.

I make sure I do it alone, when there's no one looking.

The last thing I need is for the people round ere to see just how weak I've become.

I feel hopeless... like nothing can save me.

I thought that things like this were supposed to get better with time… but they don't.

In fact the more I wait for things to get better the more I realise that my life is a shadow of what it used to be.

I used to ave Hayley, she were the most amazing woman I'd ever met and I miss her so much. I'm glad I've still got Roy though and I like to think he's a good influence on me.

I used to have my baby brother and now he's in prison because of me, because he loved me so much and because my life is such a mess, that the only way he thought could stop me from hurting was to murder someone. I miss Rob everyday and every time I look at a photo of us my heart aches.

I used to have a husband… The most handsome, the funniest man I'd ever met… I'd never admit it to Chelle but he were also my best friend. I miss him too, I miss him the most. I miss him so much that it physically hurts, so much that I would put up with all of that bad stuff that came with being with him… just so I could have the good.

I used to have a little family, Simon were never too fond of me to begin with but I was very slowly starting to win him over… slowly but surely

I used to have a baby… Well I almost had a baby… Me, Carla Connor pregnant? That were a sentence I never thought I'd say but now I'd give absolutely anything to be able to say it again.

I used to be liked round ere, it took a while but it happened, People eventually forgave me for Liam and they liked me for who I was.

Now everybody hates me again, all because of some stupid candle.

I've been trying to tell people that it was an accident but they don't believe me and hey why should they? The fireman said that the fire was started in my flat by a candle, so why would the people round ere think any thing different? Hell it's not like my word means anything anymore.

But… I am so sure that I blew that stupid candle out… So sure.

Or…

Maybe I didn't.

Maybe I'm going out of my mind.

I wouldn't put it past me to be honest. I mean I've done a LOT of stupid things in the past, and I sure as hell don't feel like myself right now.

I feel as if the real me is slowly starting to fade away. I feel as if I'm losing that fight I once had in me, I'm losing that fire in my belly and the worst part of it all is that I'm losing myself and I really don't care.

I should care...

I should be holding my head high and I should be showing people that Carla Connor is a force to be reckoned with.

I mean if I don't save myself who will?

It's gonna take a miracle to bring me back but I think I can do it... I hope I can do it.

Michelle last came to check on me about fifteen minutes ago, She said she'd be back soon but she hasn't come back yet n I've had enough of this.

I try to imagine what Hayley would say to me, I try to picture her sitting in front of me, looking at me in that way that only she could get away with.

I try to imagine her sweet little voice, she'd say something like "Come on Mrs Connor, stop feeling so sorry for yourself because life is far to short to be miserable." and She would be right.

I'm not waiting ere any longer. I get up and walk through the bar, trying to find Michelle. The cheek of it, She's stood chatting away to Steve as if she has nothing better to do with her time.

I don't ave a clue what she is thinking right now, I mean why would she invite me over, keep me out back, tell me that she was busy and that she would come and talk to me soon but then stand there and chat away to her husband instead?

I roll my eyes and walk up to her, ignoring the dirty looks from Leanne… I'm more than used to getting those by now.

The crazy thing is that I really thought that me and Leanne had almost managed to make friends again, even after everything we've been through, she was even the one who dragged me out of my burning flat for god's sake, but now… now it seems like Leanne will never talk to me again.

Not that I blame her of course, I mean I did kill her almost fiancé after all.

I guess I should understand how she is feeling, I mean I've lost many men in me life, I've been there, I could offer some support if Leanne wanted, Although I reckon she probably wants me to disappear and never ever come back to be honest.

Michelle finally realises I'm stood in front of her and now she looks worried.

"Look Chelle, I don't know what you're doing but I've had enough and I'm going h…" I stop and rethink my words, as I don't have a home anymore. "Back to Roy's." I say and I don't even give her a chance to answer me as I walk around the bar and towards the door.

It opens in front of me and...

Oh this cannot be happening.

It can't be him.

Shit.

It is him.

He's here.

He actually came.

The one I was talking about.

My best friend.

My Husband.