Author's Note: This was originally a fill for a prompt on the Mass Kink Meme, but I kept feeling I rushed it. So here it is again, a little cleaner, a little tighter. I was thankful for the prompt; it gave me the opportunity to tell this side of the story, which had been on my mind ever since I played the game.
Do ask. Do tell.
'Bell peppers, Saurian brandy, dehydrated Klixen eggs, dextro-muffins, unspotted Paddle Fish (preferably alive, else frozen) –'
'Wait. Dextro-muffins?'
She stopped in her tracks. That must have been Tali. It certainly could not have been Garrus, now could it? She should remember to check with Gardner. It was always fun to guess who had requested what on his shopping lists. She prided herself on keeping the ship's galley well stocked with what Garner referred to as 'the non-essentials', but the requests had gotten increasingly challenging. By now, food hunts had become something of a habit for her after council meetings; they served well to set her mind on mundane things and lighten her mood.
As usual, Garrus was tagging along. There were enough good reasons to bring him to the meetings - he was her right hand man, he was a Turian (which seemed to calm down Velarn somewhat), and he was unfailingly level headed whenever she felt the urge to rip one of the councillors apart neck to toe. They complemented each other well.
Those were the official reasons.
Unofficially, she simply enjoyed his company.
He did not care much for the shopping sprees that had become a fixed part of her agenda, as he was sure to let her know at every possible opportunity, but he never let her wander around the Citadel alone, and she felt positive that she had detected an undertone of amusement to his constant grumbling.
For her part, she delighted in their trips. With the pressure of the upcoming mission constantly weighing down on her, it was sheer heaven to run a simple errand, and to be able to spend some time together without the constant threat of Collectors -or worse- around every corner.
#
Their easy banter was still recovering from her ill-fated offer some weeks before, when she had practically invited him to her bed, somewhat on a whim, in a conversation they had had in the main battery. Now, if no one else was around and she so much as raised an eyebrow inquiringly, or shot him a significant look, he all but turned into a nervous little animal. Although it was fun to watch her cool witty sniper all flustered and pacing, she would welcome the day that they would finally steer clear of this awkward phase. Perhaps he was afraid she might launch into their 'tiebreaker' at any unguarded moment.
Out in public, though, they slipped back into their usual camaraderie with ease, and she had found that the absence of other crew mates further helped to loosen him up. That was the main reason why it was such a joy to prowl the Citadel together. To her, it felt almost like a date. They chatted, did some window shopping, had some snacks. They might even get in a casual fire fight, shoot a merc or two on the lower levels. And all the while she could safely flirt around and enjoy the sight of him.
It was not until she looked up from the list on her Omni-tool to do just that, that she realised he had fallen behind. A few paces back, his hands on the railing, he stood with his attention fixed on the crossing avenue one level below. She followed his gaze to a familiar low white bench against a red lighted backdrop, and immediately cursed herself for taking this route. Garrus was standing in the exact same spot from where he had once taken aim at Sidonis' head.
She joined him at the railing.
"Why?" he asked quietly, his eyes still straight ahead.
#
She remembered the moment. It had been so short and efficient, in the end. There had been no fear. Garrus would never hurt her intentionally, and he was so magnificent a shot that he could pick a mosquito off of her shoulder at twice the distance. No shock, no surprise, not even indignation. If anything, she had been a little apprehensive, and oddly resigned. Half-heartedly, she had tried to stop Sidonis, tried to make him see sense, tried to make either of them see sense. Then Garrus had simply told her to get out of the way, and so she had. She had moved to the side, just half a step, and it had been enough. Clean. Final. No need to talk about it.
Now he turned around and faced her. The old anger was back in his eyes, which surprised her; she had not seen it resurface since then.
"Why?" he repeated, crossing his arms and leaning back against the railing. His eyes were fixed on hers. She thought he had been reminiscing, voicing his regret about Sidonis' betrayal, or perhaps about his own need for revenge, but apparently he was not being rhetorical. Her eyebrows went up in confusion.
"Why what?" she asked.
"I'm not playing games, Shepard. You know damned well what I'm talking about. Why?"
Confusion turned into a frown. Unbidden, a little defensiveness crept into her voice.
"Sorry, I guess I'm dense. You'll have to spell it out for me, because I have no idea what you're talking about. Did I do something wrong?"
"Why didn't you stop me?"
#
Something inside her snapped. That one simple question, delivered so calmly, cut right through to a core of self-recrimination that she had been carefully trying to hide.
"What?" she exploded, "You're blaming me? You took the bloody shot! You told me to get out of the way!"
He narrowed his eyes, and even with his alien physiology, there was no denying the cold fire in them. "Then what about the others?"
"What others?" she practically shouted in exasperation, throwing up her hands in an angry gesture.
"Every single one of them. They all had murder on their minds, and you dragged me along on every single occasion. And you talked them out of it, Shepard. All of them. Except for Zaeed. And I know what you thought about him. So what exactly do you think about me?"
#
She was staring at him, lost for words. Any anger she might have felt in return, had melted away in the glare of blinding surprise. Had he ever seemed more alien to her than he seemed right now? Had it been a horrible misjudgement? Had she lost his trust, his friendship, or even more? A voice in the back of her head insisted that it must have been the wrong decision, that she had failed to pass some unknown test, failed to live up to some unknown expectation, failed to recognize...
She was not in the habit of listening to that voice, but it was insistent this time.
"Huh" was all she managed, then sat down heavily with her back against the railing. How would she even begin to explain?
"The others?" She ran a hand through her hair and exhaled sharply. "The others are different. I need their loyalty. I need to know that they will obey my commands even if they don't agree with them. I need to be their... example." She spat the word out as if it were an insult. "My team is worthless if they question my every decision. Everybody always wants to do stupid things, for stupid reasons. And it's always my job to stop them."
"Besides," she added fiercely, "I need to know for sure that they're not just sticking around for their own personal reasons, hoping to get a little mileage out of my Spectre status before bailing out."
She looked up at him and scowled. If there was one thing she hated more thoroughly than reapers or politicians, it was stupid misunderstandings, and she was going to die a second time before she was going to let this get in their way.
"Sit down," she ordered him, and he promptly did so.
Some of her intentions must have come across, because his expression had mellowed.
"You knew you already had my loyalty, is that it?"
"Yes. No! That's not it. This had nothing to do with our jobs, Garrus. As far as I was concerned I was just helping out a friend. Don't you see? I don't want to tell you what to do. I just want you to be yourself around me."
From the corner of her eye, she saw him flick his mandibles once. 'Surprise or amusement?' she wondered, annoyed with herself that she could not tell which.
"And what if that means that I constantly question your authority?"
"That would never happen in a combat situation, you know that as well as I do. But in private? Yes! I want your opinion. I want you to challenge me. It's different with the others. They're part of my team, I'm their commander. I always will be."
There was no mistaking the surprise that showed on his face now, which made her decide, somewhat wryly, that he must have been amused with her before.
"I don't get it. I'm not part of your team?"
"No, not really. I'm not your commander. I just happen to lead the team we take out on missions."
"So what does that make me?"
Looking at her hands, fastening and unfastening the clasp on one of her greaves, she wondered why this felt like such a confession.
"You're my equal."
#
He seemed to consider that for a while.
"Is that why you suggested... you know."
She rubbed her eyes and sighed. This was not going down the easy-go-lucky path she had intended it to. Then again, nothing really was, here in her second life. She let her head fall back against the railing, mirroring the posture of the Turian friend sitting next to her.
Silence stretched, and she let it. It felt like a companionable silence.
"There's muffins on the list. Was that you or Tali?"
"Don't try to change the subject."
She smiled and cast him a sideways glance.
"All right then, listen. I care for you. I've cared for you for a long time, but... I don't know... something's changed. I don't know when it happened, or why, or what it means, but I can't deny it, so... If you want to back out, that's okay. I get it, you know - it doesn't work, 'blowing off steam together', if you're not both in it in the same way. And you don't have to worry, because I won't let it affect our friendship."
He turned his head to look at her. "When you asked before, you made it sound rather... casual. This doesn't sound casual at all. Why didn't you tell me?"
"Hey, I was being selfish. How else would I get into your pants?"
She started to laugh to cover up her nerves, but his silent stare cut her short. She felt the blood rush to her cheeks. "You will understand that baring my heart makes even me, famous Spectre, bane of the reapers, a little nervous."
"I'm not backing out," he answered, resolutely.
"Hell, maybe I am. I would keep feeling like you were doing me a favour or something."
"I'm not. We are both in this... in the same way."
She stared off into the distance, suddenly self-conscious under his close scrutiny, unsure of what to do. This day was turning out a lot weirder than she had expected. If Garrus was saying what she thought he was saying, then she wondered why it had not been said a whole lot sooner. And she wondered why, now that it had been said, she had no idea whether to feel excited or relieved or downright scared. Or what the hell she was supposed to answer.
"I still want to know about those muffins."
"And you're still trying to change the subject."
"Can you blame me?" she almost pleaded and he barked out a laugh.
"Fine," he relented, with a smile. "You're off the hook. For now."
Back on his feet, he turned to help her up. In a single, smooth, effortless motion they were face to face. For a moment they stood there, clasping each other's wrists, gazes locked. Then he brought up a hand and lightly caressed the line of her jaw.
"You know what, Shepard? I think we'll manage."
"Yeah," she grinned, "I think we will."