i.
At first it's just painful. The fact that he's not there. Knowing they won't be lying by each other every night. Won't be snuggling (he loves that) or talking each other to sleep (she loves talking), won't be making love. What she hates most of all is that they're a broken heart. Together they could do anything, be anything. Right now, alone, she doesn't feel like doing anything is possible, much less doable. No, he just had to, what was it? Oh yeah. Set her free. She cries herself to sleep once she realizes he's not beside her, that his substitute is a pillow. She sobs until she can't decipher hot from cold. Santana tells her to shut the fuck up.
ii.
It's magical, living in the city, almost like love. Not nearly as satisfying (and oh how satisfying it was with Finn), but comfortable. She lives surprisingly close to NYADA, in a shoebox apartment with Santana. It has a roof she likes to think on whenever it feels too real, too complicated. Every night she goes up and looks for Finn Hudson, though. After a while, she stops because it's not the real thing and honestly she can't really see anything past the blur her tears created for her lost love.
As she enters the apartment, she dries her tears and pretends nothing's happened. She expects an eye roll from Santana who seems like she's nowhere to be found. What she finds is a medium sized blue suitcase standing in the living room. At first she thinks Santana's packing because she "can't handle the Berry of it all" or something like that, but blue is probably Santana's least favorite color because it reminds her "too much of men" and "that shit ain't okay".
"Santana?"
"No," a voice replies. As Rachel turns around, she's engulfed by his presence.
"Kurt! What are you doing here?"
"Santana didn't tell you? I'm living with you guys now."
iii.
As fall rolls around, it's safe to say she's too wrapped up in schoolwork and patching up Kurtana's quarrels to get in any tears, but the pain is still there. Remotely, but there. Sometimes, Kurt will mention him and she gets emotional but she can handle it. She's Rachel Berry, she can handle anything.
She's not happy, but she's managing. School is amazing, so it's not like every aspect of her life harbors disappointment. New York is different from Lima in a lot of ways. One of them being that in Lima, not many guys took a second look at her. Here, she can't get through one conversation with a guy and not be asked out unless he's a teacher or gay. She, of course, politely turns them down by telling them she's married. It's not completely correct, but it's not far from the truth. Besides, if Finn can't have her, no one can. At least not all of her.
Kurt keeps telling her to choose otherwise, though. "You're in New York, Rachel! This city is nothing if not full of hot single guys! You're turning down the opportunity of a lifetime by saying no!"
"I thought you just said the city is full of hot guys."
"But you're rejecting all of them!"
"I just don't feel anything with them and besides what right do you have to tell me who I should and shouldn't be going out with?"
"Finn would want you to," and with that, he leaves.
….She doesn't care what he says, she's not going to say yes.
iv.
She says yes. The ring finally comes off and she says yes. It's just, this guy is so sweet and talented and she knows it won't be like it was with him but he's—his name's Jude—the first guy to make her feel something other than bored. He's exciting and has made her move, go out into the city. She never thought she'd be very happy again, and yeah, obviously she'd have fits of giggles with friends or a good day, but that just isn't enough sometimes.
She thinks of what he would think for a second, but soon it leaves her mind because he chose this. He left her, so he shouldn't be bothered by this.
All thoughts of himdisintegrate once Jude arrives. He takes her to the West Village. She's never had the time to go anywhere in New York, really. The summer was a blur, filled with summer classes and hot nights alone at home.
As they walk through the cobblestone streets, they talk about school and the best of Broadway. Somewhere along the line, they start talking about past relationships. He goes on for about ten minutes. When he's finished, she talks about Puck and Jesse, not once mentioning him for fear of making things messy and complicated. As she concludes, they arrive at the High Line, overlooking the Hudson River. She quickly tells him she's hungry and they leave. They're out the whole day before she realizes it.
In the process of dropping her off, Jude leans down and places a sweet kiss to her lips.
v.
She and Jude date for the rest of freshman year and suddenly, summer comes and goes. She doesn't let herself get too far with him but he makes her feel happy and secure. There's no fearing pain with Jude. She knows somewhere deep down that it's because she doesn't love him, but she doesn't like thinking about that. When she's with Jude, she forgets about the pain, the heartache, the regret. Forgets the last time they made love.
"Finn!" She giggles. "Put me down!"
"Not until you agree that Iron Man is the best Avenger!"
"But all he is is a metal suit! Captain America is obviously the best! And he's so muscular."
"He may be hot, but he can't make you feel like this," he starts kissing down her neck.
As he goes further down, he sets her on the bed. She lets out a wanton moan as he tears away her dress, unhooks her bra, and finally slips off her panties. He does the last part gently and kisses every inch of skin as it's uncovered. He stands straight for a minute to remove his own clothing, as he can see Rachel's becoming impatient.
"Captain America would be faster." She sticks her tongue out at him.
With those words, he takes off. Cherishes every last bit of her as if she were made of glass and could break at any minute. He moves inside her at a pace just right enough and soon they're both letting out screams of pleasure.
"Captain America still your favorite Avenger?"
"Yep." She says, satisfyingly.
He chuckles, "Then I think you need to do a little more homework." Just as he's about to start all over, she stops him.
"Finn, we're going to have our whole lives to do this. Right now, can we just cuddle?" He nods. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, babe." He kisses her temple as she falls into slumber.
If she'd known that was their last night, she'd have let him go bananas (literally).
Anyway, she doesn't need to be thinking about that. She has Jude and they're happy and. . .and it's just going to cause her pain.
vi.
Her sophomore year of college is even more fun than the first. Her professors all adore her, her roommates get easier to deal with everyday, and her boyfriend is great. It can't get any better than here and now. So why does she feel so empty?
vii.
She finally decides to have sex with Jude. He's been nothing but a gentleman. Why not, right? Because you're not in love with him. She shoos away the thought and continues on.
After their date, Jude kisses Rachel goodnight as always. As he's about to lean away, she pulls him closer and attacks his lips. It sounded like it would be a good idea, so why does she feel so dirty? She doesn't think about it as he starts at her neck. She finds the key from her purse and pushes the door open. They're about to head to the bedroom when they hear a shrill scream.
"No stop NOT IN FRONT OF ME. Not again!" His eyes are now covered.
"Again? This has never happened before, Kurt."
"Yeah, maybe not with him. That was the clean version of what I saw with— Never mind. Rachel, I need to talk to you."
"If you couldn't already tell, I'm kind of busy."
Santana walks in, "He's serious. You, honey, need to leave."
"You guys can't be serious. Can't this be left to be dealt with tomorrow?"
"No, it really can't. So, sorry Jude, but would you excuse us?"
With a nod of the head, he exits.
"That was completely unfair! Whatever you have to say could have most certainly waited until morning!"
"What were you gonna do, jump his bones?" Santana chuckles.
"As it may be, yes, Santana, I was. Because he's my boyfriend and why is that any of your business?"
As Rachel looked at both of them, they looked surprisingly serious. This scared her because they either fought or pampered themselves, and when they weren't doing either of those things, they just weren't there. "Serious" was never a part of any of their issues.
"Rachel, do you love Jude?" Kurt interrupts her thoughts.
"I don't know. I like him." She thinks for a minute, "I wouldn't call it love, no."
"Do you still love Finn?"
"Why are we talking about this? It's been almost two years since Finn made me 'let go'. He shouldn't have to do with this, right?"
"Wrong. But we're not done yet." Kurt states.
"I'm not sure I understand."
"You didn't really talk to anyone after the breakup."
"Yeah, so? It was my personal business and—and you guys need to stop with the unnecessary questions. Finn is not in my life anymore, that was his choice. He left me, not the other way around. Okay?"
"Rachel—"
"No! You don't understand. Neither of you understands. You know what love is but you don't know how it feels to truly be separated from your love. You don't know. I don't understand why you're asking me these questions, but I'm content now. I'm not happy, but I'm content and—"
"You don't seem content. Anything you wanna get out?"
"No. Why are you guys being so weird?"
"We just are, get over it."
"Santana."
"No! She loved him too much to get over it that quickly! I would know. She's changed and that guy is only helping her hide her emotions." She turned her attention back towards Rachel. "Now, you're going to tell us exactly how it felt."
"How what felt, exactly?" Rachel's eyes have started to narrow.
"You know what, and if you don't start talkin', I'll just start insulting Tubs with everything I got and I know how much you hate that."
Rachel rolled her eyes, "Fine. I...I don't know, Santana."
"How'd it feel, jiggling his man boobs?"
"I don't want to talk about it, Santana."
"Was he as bad in bed with you as he was with me?"
"Santana, that's enough," Kurt whispered.
"No! She can't just stand there and act like she can''t remember how Pastry Bag made her feel!"
"Stop it! God, he never did anything to you! Why do you have to be so rude, he just. He. I can't do this." Rachel finally succumbed to the tears. "Fine. Fine, I will tell you just how I felt."
"It's mean, but it works," Santana whispers.
"I felt my heart being ripped out! I felt so alone. I felt like I would never be happy again, and you know what? I was right! He acted like it would help me but all it's done is hurt me and I can't stand thinking of him because I don't know where he is, if he's even alive. Do you know what it feels like to not know if the love of your life is alive or not? It feels like absolute shit. He told me he loved me for a year, let me fall deeper and deeper in love with him. Let me believe we were going to be married. Let me think I wouldn't ever have to feel pain again because he'd be there, always! The last night we were together, I felt like we had forever to be together, but it turns out we had less than twenty four hours. The next day, when we were in the car, he kept telling me to let go and to surrender. Do you have any idea how hard that is? We could've been so completely happy, we could've gotten through everything. When you have a love that strong, that perfect, it's like a miracle. It's not a common thing to find. With him, I felt indestructible. I felt whole. I felt loved like I've never felt in my entire life. I still don't know how I'm ever going to be happy without him. It wasn't fair what he did to me. It'll never be fair, because I still love him so much. My heart physically hurts! I feel like a huge part of me has died and I'm the corpse that's lived to tell the tale. The horrendous tale of lost love. He had to join the army, the army because apparently it was the only place he knew I couldn't follow him! He could be long dead and I'd never know. I'm never going to see him again and I hate him for it. I hate him for making me love him so damn much. Are you two happy? Now you know how I feel, can you just leave me alone?"
As Rachel turned to her bedroom, she ran into something quite hard. "Do you really hate me?"
"What are you doing here? You can't be here, you...you—"
"Rachel—"
She smacks him in the face as hard as she can and stomps past him into her room.
viii.
She's not deaf, for Christ's sake! She can hear every word they're saying! Are they stupid?
"Kurt, just let me talk to her!" Finn pleads.
"I think you need to leave. I told you she wouldn't want to talk to you. You just need to let her blow off a little steam."
"She said she hates me. Kurt, I need to explain everything to her. I need her to know how much I still love her and—"
"No, Finn, that's not what she needs or wants right now. You need to leave her alone and let her decide when she's going to talk to you, if she talks to you."
"Fine," he sighs, "but can I at least stay here? I don't have anywhere else to go." He makes kind of an ashamed 'sorry' face and Kurt gives in.
"Fine. You get the couch, though. And don't let me catch you trying to sneak in next to her!" He yells as he starts to exfoliate.
Finn sighs and collapses on the couch. She has a boyfriend? She was planning on having sex with him? He knows it shouldn't, but it hurts. He thought sex for Rachel was something special, something she could do only with someone she loved. She doesn't love Jude, she said that. He doesn't have anything to worry about...right?
ix.
Since she can't fit an elliptical in their apartment, she goes on a jog every morning. Ever since she started dating Jude, he's come along with her. Even when they're not on the best terms, they still run together and it can be quite the stress reliever.
As she starts moving in Central Park, she notices him come up right next to her at an equal pace, "Hey. Everything okay?"
"Yeah, why wouldn't it be?"
"Kurt and Santana seemed quite serious. Did everything turn out alright?"
"Oh. Yeah, it was fine. Sorry they had to kick you out, they were just—"
"Being Kurt and Santana?"
Despite her mood, she laughs. "Exactly!"
She may not be in love with him, but Jude's a fantastic friend, and you can't have too many of those.
Once they arrive back at her apartment, she invites him in. Not wanting him to see Finn, she starts kissing him, and kissing him, trying to drag him away.
Before she knows it, "Aw, aren't you two adorable." Having just woken up, Finn walks away into the kitchen, scratching his head. Her mind might be playing tricks, but she swears she heard a sniffle.
"Who was that? One of Kurt's boyfriends? Is that why he wanted to talk to you yesterday?"
Well, the opportunity arose on its own, she can't be blamed for, "Uh, yeah. They've been going through a rough patch. Finn, that's his name, serenaded Kurt all night, but Kurt wouldn't budge. So Finn slept on the couch."
"He must really love him. I wonder what that feels like, true love."
"It's truly magical. It's like nothing can harm you. Unless, of course, you break apart. That's when everything gets miserable and every emotion you feel is pain and regret, pain and regret." Jude looks a bit concerned, "Not that I would know! I'm just assuming. You know I've only had two other boyfriends. That was not love. I've never been in love."
"Do you love me?"
"Of course!" Not.
Finn walks by again, this time not ashamed of his tears.
x.
It just makes everything harder, the fact that he's living in their apartment. Jude comes over quite a lot. Whatever. Finn can deal with the pain. She's been dealing with it for long enough.
He is nothing but sweet to Finn, although keeps saying things like, "Time heals all wounds." Finn just sits there and glares at him. It's not like Jude knows any better!
Jude.
She just can't anymore. You can't fake interest in someone romantically for this long. It's not fair to either of you, and to be honest, it's quite tiring.
She does it one morning when they're done with their jog. They've just arrived at her apartment. He waits for her to open the door, but she just kind of stands there. "What's wrong?"
"I think we should talk."
"About?"
"I can't be in this relationship anymore. I'm sorry, I know it's random and you probably hate me right now. I know I told you I loved you, but I didn't mean I was in love with you and there's a huge difference. You're a great guy, you're just not the guy for me and—"
"How do you know that? We've been comfortable for a year now—"
"We've been breathing, but we're not alive. You're a great friend, I don't want to lose you in that aspect, but I can't pretend anymore."
"Is there someone you are in love with?"
"I'm sorry. Yes, but it's complicated. Uh, actually, that's also what I wanted to talk to you about." Jude nods. "It's Finn."
"Your best friend's boyfriend? Rachel, that's a horrible thing to do. Not to mention the fact that he's gay!"
"About that. I lied." He raises his eyebrows. "He's neither gay, nor dating Kurt. He's Kurt's stepbrother, actually."
"Rachel..."
"Look, I know it's a weird situation and everything, but please just listen. Then you can decide that you never want to see me again, agreed?" He nods. She proceeds to tell Jude everything about Finn. How he was her first...everything. How happy they finally were. How it had to end. She's surprised to see tears in his eyes. "Are you okay?"
"I don't understand. He loved you that much. He loved you enough to let you go. And you loved him. And it had to end. How you must've felt!" They're sitting outside her door now. "It's a love story. It's a true, real love story." Rachel nods. "I'm so sorry."
"It's okay. I mean it's not okay but you get the point."
xi.
"Rachel, I need to talk to you." He comes up to her as she's about to go to bed.
"Can it wait? Because I—"
"No, it really can't. I have to explain some stuff to you."
"Fine. You have ten minutes. Go."
It all just comes out in a blur, "Firstly, you have to understand, I never meant to break your heart. If anything, I thought you'd move on. I really didn't want you to, but it seemed like the right thing. You have no idea how many times I've cried over this, no idea how much pain I've felt." She's about to interrupt, when he continues, "No. Let me talk. I had to redeem my father. When I told the Chief of Staff that, he kinda laughed in my face. But I kept talking, because I knew you wouldn't want me to give up. I told him about all the lives my dad saved and how he really wasn't a bad guy. He made a compromise with me. Most contracts in the army last about four years, but he said mine could be one year, plus training. If I did well, I would redeem my father. If not, there was really nothing else he could do for me. Well, apparently I was great, because they changed his status to honorable. I've been working at Burt's shop ever since I got out to make enough money to come here. I've missed you more than you can imagine and I'm so sorry that I hurt you, I really am. I want nothing more than to take away your pain. I want to love you, if you'll let me. Baby, I really don't want you to hate me. I know that you're angry, but please don't hate me."
"It's been ten minutes," she sighs. With that, she shuts the door for the night.
He's said it before and he'll say it again: he doesn't give up that easy.
xii.
"I don't understand. I don't get it. I'm here now, you broke up with your boyfriend, just be with me."
She just stares at him for a second, "No."
"Why not?" He's pleading with her now.
"Almost two years ago, you made me let go. It was difficult, and I put up I don't how many walls. But, at least right now, I don't want to be with you. It won't be doing me any good."
"Rachel, just give into it. I promise you won't get hurt."
"That's what I thought the last three times! The first two, I understood, trust me. You weren't ready, and the second, I... yeah. But the third time was completely unnecessary!" There are tears streaming down her face now. "You made me think we were getting married. Then you made me let go of you like it was easy. I feel like you underestimated how much I love you because you made it seem like letting go of the only person I will ever love like that was easier than it actually was. What we have—had—is something some people only dream of finding! I—" She stops. "Just leave me alone, Finn."
xiii.
She's making breakfast when he walks into the kitchen. She can't seem to reach something on the top shelf, so he easily grabs it and hands it to her, followed by a kiss on the forehead.
"Thank you," she says a little suspiciously.
"No problem," he smiles.
"Are you okay?"
"Yep. Why wouldn't I be?"
"I don't know. I was mad and yelled at you, and...I don't know, I just assumed you wouldn't really want to talk to me anymore."
"I would never just stop talking to you. And besides, I saw the pads and tampons in the trash." Her eyes widen. "Relax, it's not like I've never seen those before."
Santana walks in, grabs a banana, and says, "You two are disgusting, truly," then leaves.
Rachel laughs, then asks, "Why are you being so nice?"
"If you don't understand now, Rach, you will soon enough."
xiv.
She has a nightmare for the first time in months. It's of the last time she saw him, running after the train. She wakes up in tears and a sweat before realizing someone's holding her.
"Finn?"
He shushes her and holds her closer, "Go back to sleep. I'll be here when you wake up."
Sometime in the middle of the night, he hears her, "I love you, Finn." Those four words are all it takes to make him feel whole again. She might not be opening herself up again, but he can't help that she's stubborn.
The next morning, she wakes up alone. The realization scares her to death, so she tries to stay away from conclusions. Her fright is eased once she enters the kitchen and he's in there cooking. "Hi," she says tiredly.
"Hi," he smirks. "You sleep okay last night?"
"Fine." She hasn't slept that well since she can remember, but she's not willing to admit that.
"Good." He just smiles for a moment and they're both awkwardly quiet. "So, what'd you dream about? It seemed pretty bad."
"I don't remember," she says.
They both know she's lying, so why do it? He tries to change the subject, "Hey, so, you doing anything tonight? I was thinking we could go out, see the city. It'd be nice. You know, with Kurt and stuff," even thought he never intended for Kurt to go.
"I actually have plans tonight, sorry." His smile disappears. She checks her phone and, "No, never mind! We need one more person. Are you up for it?"
"Yeah, sure." What he really meant was, "Anything to spend time with you."
xv.
He soon realizes there are only four of them. Two guys, two girls. He pulls Rachel aside once he also realizes, "You set me up on a double date? Rach—"
"She's been so upset lately, I just thought this might cheer her up."
"How? When I don't call her back? And what about that guy? What's going on with him?"
"He's just a friend," she calmly replies.
"Does he know that?"
"You have no right to be the jealous boyfriend. It's a harmless crush, it's not going anywhere."
"That's what I thought about you in sophomore year of high school and look where that ended up! What if you fall in love?"
She starts to laugh, "Okay, now you're being paranoid. We're not even together, Finn, just calm down." And with that, they return to their table.
The girl, Isabella's her name, seems too shy and a little too raw to be out with anyone right now. He tries to be as nice as he can, but every time he tells a story, it's one of him and Rachel, which does a number of things. Firstly, it makes Isabella look like she's about to cry (Rachel told him she just broke up with her longtime boyfriend). It makes Will (the guy) get this really jealous look on his face (which, to be honest, kind of gives Finn a confidence boost). But best of all, Rachel is comfortable around him again, she's laughing, she's banging her head against his arm when he says something stupid.
By the time he's out of stories, they're heading home. Will decides they should probably just drop off Finn and Rachel first, then head back to campus. No one argues.
"Thank you, Will. I had a great time."
She turns to Finn and Isabella, but when she turns back, her lips are on Will's and the last thing he says before they leave is, "I'll call you."
She and Finn just stand there for a while before she starts holding him back. When that doesn't really work, she triggers his ticklish spots. He kind of yells in surprise and then, "Rach, stop!" And soon, they're drowning in giggles.
"See? Nothing happened," she smiles.
"He kissed you! He's not allowed to do that."
"And why exactly is that?"
"Because you're mine." She gets this offended 'oh really' look on her face before he corrects, "No, not like—not like you're property. But it's implied."
"Again, why?"
"It's a pretty obvious answer." She looks at him curiously. "Because we're in love; we're tethered. You and I both know that."
She unlocks the door and he follows as she walks in. "You're just so sure of that."
"Yes. Rachel, even if it's not out there verbally, anyone would be able to tell that we're together."
"But we're not together, Finn."
"Maybe not physically, but emotionally, mentally. I've never been worried about that."
"Finn—"
"J—just let me," he leans down and almost catches her lips before she backs away.
"No. I can't."
"Why not?"
"I just can't. I can't let myself feel that because once you're gone again, it'll be ripped away from me," she admits.
"Rach," she looks up at him and he says one word, "Surrender," before leaning in and seizing her lips.
He tries to pull away once, but she's hooked once more on the feel of him. He starts laughing as they tumble to the ground.
She finds his neck and starts biting, kissing, soothing, before she whispers into his ear, "Don't you ever leave me again, Finn Hudson."
That night, they host the longest marathon of sex they've ever had. It's probably three in the morning once they succumb to the night and just end up cuddling.
xvi.
"Hey, Rachel? Have you seen—oh my GOD NOT AGAIN."
Santana hears Kurt's incessant ew-ing and walks in only to cover her eyes.
They just kind of laugh and fall deeper into each other's arms.