What the hell is wrong with you? Why the hell are you starting another collection when you never even updated Scattered Shots not to mention all the in-completed fics? Well…aside from being scatter brained the bunnies appear and who ever bounces higher, louder is the one that wins!

So that said I invite you to the DESTINED UKE COLLECTION.

(A mixture of ramble drabbles and ficlets)

()()

Ichigo: Don't call me a fuckin' uke unless ya got the brains and C*CK to back it up!

SLY: Now go and let all your favorite semes out of your closet

Ichigo flushing red and grumbling under his breath but nevertheless walks towards his closet, bracing himself for the inevitable.

()()()

DISLCAIMER: I DO NOT OWN THE NUMBER ONE UKE OR THE SEMES THAT CHASE HIM! KUBO-SENSEI OWNS IT ALL!

WARNINGS: AU, CANON/AU combos, CRACK-CANON, OOC-NESS, LANGUAGE, GRAMMAR, PUNCTUATION, FLUFF, DIALOGUE, CITRUS BITS SCATTERED DOWN THE LINE, ALL UKE ICHIGO ALL THE TIME!

A/N In no way am I making fur or intending to be a jackass. I myself am not some model beauty-I've got a bit of chunk and…

Well anyway it's fiction…crack random fiction…I don't mean to harm or insult anyone. Just meant to entertain. ~SLY~

CRACKISH-DRABBLE-FICLET

EXTRA WARNINGS: (CRACK-TACTULAR ENDING)

FOR ANE-CHAN EMBRACING EVEN THE WORST OF WHAT SLY HAS TO OFFER!

#1

Ass Pounder Repellant

(MANYxICHIGO)

It came to him while he was sitting at the dinner table with his family one night.

Ichigo bolted out of his chair like someone had lit a firecracker under his ass and raced up to his bedroom-a call of 'Thanks for dinner' shouted before he slammed the door shut.

A grin on his face and now in the privacy of his own room-the orange berry teen was so excited he almost wanted to do a victory dance.

Only he was never quite alone-what with Rukia sleeping in his closet and all.

'Really you think after she confessed to Inoue that-

The orange berry shook his head. Whatever he wouldn't let Rukia's presence ruin his moment of pure joy!

Reaching into the bottom hand drawer in his dresser he pulled out an item that he hadn't used in awhile-better known as a diary.

Or manly terms-a journal.

Quickly flipping to the last few blank pages Ichigo scribbled down his plan. The grand plan to get all the uber ass pounders/would be ass pounders to stay away from him forever.

All he needed was a simple repellent.

No that would take too long.

All he needed was to make himself undesirable, unattractive, unfuckable.

Ichigo's super mega genius plan to keep the SEMES away from his destined ultra uber UKE ass forever more was to become fat.

No not fat-obese. He would put on so much damn weight that not even old geezers would want to look at him.

Yes yes it was a grand plan if he ever did say so himself.

And he would put it into action starting tomorrow.

()()

Now one might ask why a desirable orange berry hero such as himself would go to such lengths to keep a few horny men away.

Well A) It wasn't just a few-try a couple 100-course only about 10 or 12 are note worthy but—anyway and B)

Well it was kind of difficult to get anything in life accomplished when he constantly had people chasing after his wonderful GRADE A Ass.

At first Ichigo thought he could handle it.

A grope or glance or two. Not so bad.

Then he set foot in soul society and well…

Things changed.

Allies and Enemies alike at the end of the day when it was all saidand done-they were they same….

()()

And during the war…

Ichigo urged Inoue to go and watch Nel before making his way back to the bloody and battered mess in the sand.

Better known as his rival.

There was not much Ichigo could do but at the same time he didn't feel right just leaving Grimmjow laying here like this so.

So he knelt down in order to inspect the damage when-

the damn blue haired Espada had a vice like grip on Ichigo's arm-refusing to let the orange haired vizard go-

"If you really wanna make yourself useful to me then you should you should wrap your lips around my cock and make the last few minutes of my pathetic existence worth while Shini-no Kurosaki."

Now Ichigo wasn't going to protest exactly but-

They were at war and it really wasn't the time to-

Hands were on his hair, ripping, pulling forcing him away from the blue haired Espada-

Ichigo wasn't even able to say much of anything as warm and surprisingly soft lips captured his own-

Course his captor then had to ruin it by practically tearing a hole into his bottom lip-

Pulling away so he could grin at the orange berry

"I realize I was a lil' rude earlier-always been a bad habit of mine-but what say you and I make up for bad first impressions eh pet?"

He could hear Grimmjow snarling and no doubt choking on his own blood from behind-could hear as the blue haired Espada tried in vain to get to his feet and-

Well Ichigo wasn't really sure exactly-I mean he wasn't a complete moron. He had quickly gathered that there was no real love lost between hollows but-

"Stay down pussy cat-don't make me put another hole in your stomach."

Ichigo struggled to break free from the hold Nnoitra had on him-Grimmjow was really dying-he could hear the blue haired Espada's breaths shortening-could feel-

Ichigo frowned.

Since when could he sense spiritual energy?

Well aside from Kenpachi's which was so damn strong it was-

Wait! It was here now.

What the hell?

Well to be honest Ichigo was rather happy for Kenpachi's appearance-not that he'd admit it out loud exactly but-

()

Aside from the obvious Ulquiorra had been a rather strange guy-in an interesting sort of way.

That unwavering green gaze of his and that monotone voice-yes it had in fact grated on Ichigo's ears/nerves but at the same time-

As Ichigo was easily dodging the 4th's Espada's attacks-he couldn't help but note just how tempting it would be to reach out and touch the man's/creatures ears and tail-he wouldn't tug exactly-just a soft little stroke-er maybe not a stroke though he was a little curious about-

Damn hollow-he was turning Ichigo into a pervert!

The cries of Kurosaki-kun don't die and whatever ever other cliché crap the princess babbled reach the orange berrys' ears and pulled him back to where his mind should be.

Right he had to defeat Ulquiorra and protect Inoue.

Damn shame. He would love to just knock the green eyed male out and bring him home to play with-sure it might be a bit of a challenge to get Grimmjow and Nnoitra to agree to not kill him but-

An image of serious gray eyes and a goatee came to Ichigo's mind just then.

Right there was another Espada out there-he seemed like a sensible type-he could keep 4, 5, 6 in line.

It would be grand they could share his brand new King Size bed and-

"Kurosaki kun!"

"Itsugo look out!"

Oh wait fantasizing about the yummy Espada would have to come later because right now he had women to protect-er a girl and a baby who could also transform into a woman er…uh right uh-

()()()

Many hours-days-months later and finally the main event.

Yes the main event where….

His battle against Aizen. When the evil uber overlord had suddenly ceased all attacks, stilled Ichigo's weapon-and then brought the confused teen's body flush against his own.

And brought his lips to his ear and whispered "I'll agree to surrender to Soul Society on the account that you surrender yourself to me."

()

Ichigo shuddered involuntarily at the memory and the secret thought that he had actually considered the man's words-well up until Kenpachi appeared in his uber tarzan meets shinigami sort of way.

Grin as crazed as ever the captain from the 11th division had sent the evil uberlord flying and then stated in that guttural rasp of his "Ichigo's ass is MINE! And the only one he'll be surrendering to is me."

Naturally Aizen hadn't taken to kindly to a wild and uncouth ruffian like Kenpachi getting in the way of his 'seducing the wonder ryoka boy' so he had called upon his two subordinates and ordered them to-

Well actually had never found out-what with being knocked out by a strange purple mist.

But when he had woken up to find himself in-well not hell exactly but was there really a difference.

He'd heard the tales of 12th division and the last thing he wanted was to be examined/studied/frisked or whatever by the creepy doc-

Ichigo's train of thought had abruptly halted at the sight of a rather exotic looking man with honey golden eyes and skin and navy blue locks which were slightly damp as though the man had just stepped out of the shower.

Ichigo refused to let his eyes travel any lower than the man's neck.

()()

Ichigo shook his head

It was best not to think of what Mayuri had almost done to him that day in the lab-better to think of Inoue, yes Inoue and how she and Ishida had saved him right before-

Ichigo scrunched his face-'No don't don't-

But the damn image of Mayuri coming towards him with that toy-familiar creepy grin on his face.

Ichigo shook his head more fiercely this time-banishing the image from his mind and bringing Ishida to the surface.

Yes Ishida was his friend-a friend who had pulled Ichigo to the side while Inoue was chatting at a mile a minute with Rukia about bunnies and past lives and granola) and presented the orange berry with a pair of lacy pink panties-

Which of course Ichigo didn't think much on-The Quincy had always been a little weird and

"You'll wear them for me on my birthday won't you Kurosaki?"

WTF?

Ichigo hadn't even had time to respond what with Chado and Renji appearing and all.

The tattoeed pineapple and his shaggy-haired friend had knocked Ishida to the side and had taken turns poking, prodding and checking for injuries.

"Can't go dying on me Ichigo-not when I've finally worked up the courage to ask you to be-

"Be completely honest Ichigo. Do you think you're up for a threesome?"

Again WTF?

Ichigo was about to open his mouth when a pink blur better known as Yachiru appeared.

"Nah uh can't have that. We have to vote first."

The berry, pineapple and shaggy dog er teen had turned to the pixie haired vice captain who was happily munching away on candy.

"Vote?"

()()()

"It's quite simple. You want Ichi-prove it!"

Yachiru grabbed another piece of candy out of the large bowl sitting on top of the table in the Shinigami Woman's Association center and passed the torch-er um microphone over to Nanao.

The bespectacled woman unrolled a long strip of parchment and addressed the entire room (shinigami/hollow/vizard alike)

Everyone swept dropped when only 15 words came out of her mouth.

"You want to claim Kurosaki Ichigo then all you have to do is catch him."

The competitors were ready to jump from there seats when Nemu stopped them.

"Without weapons or potions or transformations. Only your speed is allowed in this competition."

"Even if you don't win I'll have something special that you're sure to enjoy," Rangiku chimed in with a perverted gleam in her powder blues.

Ichigo honestly didn't know how he always wound up in these situations nor did he care-

He did the only thing he could-

HE RAN!

()()()

In the end no one had won because old man Yamamoto had shown up and put an end to it.

And just when Ichigo thought he could sleep peacefully night she had appeared like a demon in the night.

Really they should put a leash and muzzle on that girl because for all her bright eyes and rosy cheeks she was 100 percent evil.

"Strawberry sluts don't belong in my world!"

Where Hinamori had gotten the gun Ichigo had no idea nor did he really care since he was far more interested in getting as far as possible from the not so angelic girl-

Backing up into his borrowed bedroom wall-searching for an escape-

A blinding flash of white-or was it crimson-?

Ichigo didn't know but he had some how found himself-

()()()

With Urahara-san in his face-the man was so damn close-Ichigo could practically taste his breakfast.

"Welcome back Kurosaki-san. Did you have a good journey?"

Ichigo hadn't really felt like asking what had happened-he much rather just dress and return home.

And he had done just that.

()()()

Things had been quiet for a while until the unexpected happened.

What the hell was Byakuya doing on his bed?

The noble man looked as serious as ever-voice as cold as ever.

"I've been waiting for you."

Of course the orange haired teen believed at that moment that he surely had to be dreaming because there was absolutely no way-

"Don't just stand there in the door way Kurosaki Ichigo. Come to me."

Um what the fuck?

Now in Ichigo's defense it was not like he had never considered this scenario before.

Actually he had considered it quite a few times.

Since hello Byakuya was a looker.

That fine glossy black hair partially held back by the fancy hair piece, those silver-violet eyes shining with something other than annoyance, disgust or simple tolerance, the vanilla cream toned skin, a shade lighter than even Rukia's, the equally fancy scarf and those hands-Byakuya's hands and the way his delicate digits wielded such a-

Ichigo shook his head.

It was a nice surprise-more than nice really but-

"Byakuya what are you doing here?"

Ichigo had never received a verbal response-

But he had indeed received a physical one.

()()

Not that he hadn't enjoyed it when the proud Kuchiki had abandoned his noble act and fucked his berry brains out but-

Right at the peak of 10th orgasm in one night Keigo just had to drop by and announce to whoever was listening.

Which quite obviously meant all of semes hoping to claim the orange berrys ass-

"Ichigo might have been deflowered but he still isn't officially claimed! So come on over and claim your berry!"

Or something equally embarrassing and unhelpful.

Ichigo didn't remember exactly-didn't want to remember.

But one after another the SEMES had come and fucked the berry UKE into a state of unconciousness and even then they hadn't stopped.

It wasn't until his two sisters came at the perverted horndogs with their magical soccer ball and kitchen utensils that the proud SEMES had fled.

()()()

That had been 120 days ago…

So it was only a matter of time before they'd appear again and Ichigo's ass couldn't take it. So on with the plan…

()()()

Forcing himself to shove mountains of fat and grease and sugar and carbs down his throat was no easy task. Forcing himself to stop going to the gym, stop attending school, stop doing much of anything besides lock himself inside his room and watch as he packed on the pounds.

It had taken 4 months and how ironic it was that he would finally decide to step outside of his room one day before his birthday.

Wobbling down the stairs-it was kinda hard to walk around with all this extra weight on his body.

The house was quiet.

Goat face must be off buying porn and Yuzu and Karin must be at school.

Tis a grand moment for Ichigo. He can enjoy the peace and

quiet.

Just then a smell-a wonderful smell reaches his nose-he is drawn towards the kitchen

()()()

He is not alone after all.

"Mornin' Ichigo!"

What the fuck is Shinji doing in his kitchen?

No scratch that what the fuck is the blond man doing wearing goat faces bathrobe, Yuzu's hair clips and Karin's slippers in his kitchen.

Why the hell is Shinji calmly sitting at the table with a cup of coffee, a plate of pancakes, a newspaper in hand?

"What do you want Hirako?"

The blond pouts. "Is that any way to talk to your husband to be Ichigo?"

Ichigo's brow twitches. "What the fuck are you talking about?"

'Wait don't tell me-don't fuckin' tell-

()()

The orange berry never got to finish that train of thought since the blond vizard had picked him up with amazing strength and whisked him away-

Well more like back up the stairs but anyway

()()()

In the end Ichigo's plan had failed because the stupid grinning blond vizard had pounded into his eternal uke ass so vigorously that the pounds that Ichigo had gained quickly melted away like butter or something equally cliché.

And the berry and his seme lived happily ever-well maybe not so much since the other semes still appeared from time to time and now to make matters worse Ichigo is with child and all of the semes are fighting over who the real father is and-

"HAPPY HOLIDAYS"

THE END

()()()

Ichigo: What the fuck was that? Are you kidding me? That was…what a-you're retarded.

SLY Petting the berry's kitten ears: Love you too Ichi-brat