Disclaimer: Um…nope, don't own it.
A/N: I'm kind of depressed at the moment, so I decided to write this lovely one-shot. I'm not sure exactly what type of story this would be considered. It's somewhat of a songfic, though. I will warn you, there is a death.
How Do You Get That Lonely?
It was just another story written on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score
It was another ordinary, or as ordinary as you can imagine, Wednesday morning at the Xavier's Institute for Gifted Youngsters. Everyone was running around, trying to get ready for school while also attempting to not kill one another. Logan walked into the kitchen as everyone was finishing their breakfast and got himself a cup of coffee. On his way to his chair, he picked up the newspaper and flipped through it. As he was scanning, he saw a name that was very familiar. He read on, eyes going wide. He set his cup down and glanced around the table. It seemed that no one else had come upon this.
Logan stood up abruptly, startling a few of the new recruits, and walked out of the kitchen, leaving the newspaper where it was. A few of the students were curious, but had no idea what had caused this man's sudden odd behavior. Scott, who had finished his breakfast and was waiting on Kurt and Kitty, picked up the paper that Logan had previously been looking at and tried to find what had startled him. It didn't take him long…
It said he was only eighteen, a boy about my age
They found him face-down on his bedroom floor
Scott read the small article in disbelief. I mean, sure, he didn't like the guy, but this was…horrible. He never would have imagined that something like this would have happened. He just couldn't understand how someone, his ownage nonetheless, could do something so tragic. Of course, he never had been one to see what the affects of his actions could do; but still, this was his life…
There'll be services on Friday, at the Lawrence funeral home
Then out on Mooresville highway, they'll lay him 'neath a stone
The Professor came into the kitchen mere moments after Scott had finished reading the article. He had a solemn look on his face that gave everyone the spooks. Silence filled the room before he ever asked for it. There was a feeling of dread that spread among all of the students. They all knew something had happened, but no one dare ask what. Luckily, no one had to, for at that precise moment, the Professor spoke.
"I'm sorry to say that I have some very unfortunate news. And…Scott, I believe, is the only one who already knows." The Professor said, glancing at Scott who nodded his head in response. "It has come to my attention, via Logan, that we have lost a fellow mutant." There were a few murmurs amongst them before the room fell silent once more. "The news of who it is will affect some of you more than others, but then, some of you won't be affected at all."
"Wh…who was it?" Bobby asked, afraid to know but wanting to lift this feeling of uneasiness off of himself.
The Professor sighed before continuing. "There really is no easy way to say this, or to let those who were exceptionally close to him know the truth. I just ask of you all to please remain calm."
He paused a moment, and told Kurt telepathically to stay near Kitty. Kurt looked confused for a few seconds, and then realized who it must be and moved closer to Kitty, taking her hand in his. She glanced up at him, confused, but didn't say anything. She looked back at the Professor as he began to speak again.
"Lance was found dead late last night. At this moment it is believed to be suicide."
Kitty felt her heart shatter into a million pieces. No, she thought, La…Lance wouldn't leave me. Not like this. No…not now. She couldn't believe it; she didn't want to believe it.
"NO!" She yelled, standing up and walking over to the Professor. "You…you're lying." She said, her voice breaking as she shoved him backward with amazing strength for someone so small. Kurt then came up behind her and put his arms around her, restraining her. She fought against him, trying to free herself, but in her hysterical condition she forgot that she could just phase through his grasp, so she just flailed her arms, tears flowing freely now.
"Kitty, please," Kurt said, holding her tight. "I'm here. It vill be okay. I'm not going anyvhere."
She stopped struggling and turned around, throwing her arms around him and crying into his chest. "Why did he leave me? He said he loved me." Kitty choked. Kurt just rubbed her back, not really knowing what to say at the moment.
"There's something else," the Professor said, as Kurt took Kitty upstairs. "Lance's funeral will be Friday. You do not have to go, but I have a feeling we will all be in attendance. Even those of you who didn't really care for him, never hated him enough to see this happen. And if you can't find it in your hearts to go for Lance, then you might want to think about going for Kitty. I, of course, am not forcing any of you to go. It is your decision. However, I expect all of you to attend school today. Kurt and Kitty will be staying home, however. And if the Brotherhood shows up, please be considerate toward them; this cannot possibly be easy on any of them." And he left the kitchen to go make a few phone calls.
How do you get that lonely?
How do you hurt that bad?
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go?
How do you get that lonely…and nobody knows?
Kitty just didn't understand what could have possibly happened. They were happy together; at least that's what she thought. He was only eighteen years old, barely even begun his life, and then this… She just couldn't understand it.
She spent most of the day crying, and Kurt never left her side. Scott and Jean also paid her visits when they weren't at one of their classes. Logan had even paid her a visit; he got her to stop crying for a little while, but it didn't last.
Kurt held her as she cried away her pain. She cried until there were no tears left and all she was left with was this aching feeling that would probably never go away. Kitty was scared. She would never admit it, but she was lost without Lance.
Did his girlfriend break up with him?
Did he buy or steal that gun?
Did he lose a fight with drugs or alcohol?
The rumors had spread throughout the school like a wildfire. Rogue had heard so many things; it was giving her a headache. No matter where she turned, somebody was talking about what had happened to Lance.
"Do you think that Kitty chick broke up with him? I mean, they had been dating for about two years haven't they?" Some guy asked.
"No, I don't think so. They were pretty much inseparable. And I saw them out together yesterday afternoon." The girl walking with him said.
Rogue shook her head and held back the tears. Kitty would probably never recover from this. They were so much in love. She knew Lance pretty well, and was pretty certain he would never kill himself. It just didn't make any sense. Lance and Kitty had gone to a movie yesterday. Lance had had dinner with them that evening. His last dinner, she thought. She shook her head again. Stop thinkin' 'bout those things Rogue. She scolded herself.
"Chère?" A familiar voice asked, coming up behind Rogue.
She turned around, unable to stop a single tear from flowing down her cheek. And before she knew what she was doing, she had her arms around him and was crying into his chest. Remy, too stunned to do anything else, put his arms around her comfortingly.
"It's okay chère, Remy's here for ya." He said, rubbing her back and trying to calm her down.
"Remy, have ya heard 'bout Lance?" she asked.
"Non."
"He…he's dead." She said, wiping her eyes.
They sat down and she told him everything she knew about it. He held her close, listening to what she was telling him. He also felt horrible for Kitty. He knew, as well, how close the two of them had been.
"Did you here that he shot himself?" some kid asked as they walked past the two Southerner's sitting on the floor.
"Yeah, that's what it said in the paper…" The other kid said, walking out of hearing range.
"Ah just don' understand it Remy. Why would he kill himself?" Rogue said.
"Maybe he was on drugs." She gave him a look. "Well then, did he drink?" Rogue shook her head.
"I don't think so. And the weird thing is, he had dinner with us last night." She said.
"I don' know, chère. Somet'ing's not right."
Did his mom and daddy forget to say "I love you, son."
Did no one see the writing on the wall?
By the time lunch came around, Rogue couldn't take it anymore. She got Remy to drive her over to the Brotherhood house because she really wanted to talk to them. They pulled up and a cold chill ran up Rogue's spine and she shivered. Remy took her hand and led her up to the door.
They knocked, and were greeted by the Scarlet Witch, whose eyes were very blood shot. She stepped aside and let them in. Rogue hugged her friend and they all walked into the living room where Fred, Todd, and Pietro were all sitting around, not saying anything.
Rogue hugged each one of them in turn, trying to hold back the tears that were threatening to fall once more. They all sat in silence for a while, no one really knowing what to say. Then, Pietro spoke up.
"I should have stopped him." He said.
"Pietro," Wanda said, putting her hand on his arm. "There was nothing you could have done."
"Wait, so it's true? He really…he really shot himself?" Rogue asked, dismayed.
"We don't know." Wanda said, throwing a glance at her brother. "None of us were home. We didn't find him until we got back, around ten. I was going to ask him if he wanted any dessert when I…I…" she broke down. Pietro put his arm around her in an attempt to comfort her.
Rogue couldn't help but notice how an incident such as this could bring together a brother and sister who haven't exactly had the best history. She would have laughed if it had been any other time. But this was different. She noticed that Todd and Fred were being awfully quiet. She didn't blame them. Lance had been like a big brother to them for the longest time.
"How's Kitty?" Pietro asked, bringing Rogue out of her reverie.
"She's real upset. She didn' go to school today, obviously. Kurt's with her. I doubt he's left her side all day." She gave a small smile, which quickly turned into a frown. "Ah…Ah don' think she'll ever get over this."
"I'd like to talk to her." Pietro said. Rogue nodded; Pietro and Kitty had become pretty good friends over the years.
"Y'all should come over to the Institute today. Ya know, in case ya wan' to get out of this house for awhile. Besides, Ah'm sure Kit would like to see ya." She said, glancing at Pietro in particular.
Surprising enough, they all agreed. Rogue stood up, followed by Remy, then the rest of the Brotherhood. Remy and Rogue left first and the others all piled into Lance's jeep, with Pietro driving, and headed over to the Institute.
They arrived shortly and all made their way inside. They were greeted by Logan, who gave Rogue a look before stopping them from going any further.
"Stripes, aren't ya suppose to be at school?" he asked.
"Ah couldn' handle it. We're just gonna go up and see Kitty." She said, and then she started to make her way up the stairs.
"Alright, but if half-pint's asleep, leave her alone. She's been crying all day." He said as they proceeded up the stairs and out of his sight. He shook his head and walked off to find the Professor.
Rogue opened the door a crack and looked in. The sight she saw was heart wrenching. Kurt was sitting on the floor, leaning against Kitty's bed and Kitty had her head resting on Kurt's lap. She wasn't crying at the moment, but it was obvious that she had been previously.
Rogue opened the door all the way and walked into the room, followed closely by Remy. The others were waiting outside, not wanting to go in all at once and upset her more. Kurt saw them first and smiled. He prodded Kitty awake and she looked up as well. She stood up and sat down on her bed. Kurt stood up as well, but he remained standing.
"I'm going to go to zhe bathroom." He said, and then teleported away.
"Yea right, more like go get some food." Rogue said, rolling her eyes. "So Kit, how ya feelin'?" she asked sitting down beside the Valley Girl and putting her arm around her.
She just shrugged and looked down at the floor. Rogue sighed.
"Come on, Kit. Will ya at least talk to me?" she asked, hopefully. Kitty didn't say anything so Rogue sighed again. "Well, ya have some visitors." She said, then she got up and walked over to the door and let them in.
The minute she saw them, the tears came back. She closed her eyes and put her head in her hands. Someone sat down beside of her and put their arms around her. She didn't need to look up, she knew it was Pietro.
Rogue and Gambit left to go find Kurt, giving them some time alone. Kitty had become very close with all of the Brotherhood in the past few years. They were the closest to Lance; it was only right that they had some time alone together.
They actually got Kitty to talk to them, and they stayed in her room for a few hours until they heard the other X-Men arriving home, signaling that school was over. Kitty asked them to stay for dinner and they agreed.
They were all still very curious as to why Lance would kill himself. None of them had seen it coming; would have ever seen it coming. Kitty thought that maybe it was some suppressed feelings he had toward his parents that finally got to him. But still, she just didn't understand.
Now I'm not blaming anybody
We all do the best we can
I know hindsight's twenty-twenty
But I still don't understand
Dinner that evening was an eerily silent one. Hardly anyone spoke. Kitty didn't eat, she said that she felt sick and excused herself and went into the rec. room. She was sitting on the couch when she was joined shortly by none other than Pietro.
Kitty had noticed earlier that he seemed to be blaming himself. She couldn't handle Lance's death and Pietro's blaming himself all at once. She finally just snapped.
"It wasn't your fault."
"What?"
"Like, please. You are totally blaming yourself. What in the world could you have done?" she asked, daringly.
"I could have noticed sooner that he was unhappy." He said, harshly.
"What, so are you blaming me now?" Kitty asked in disbelief.
"I'm not blaming anybody, Kitty. I just…I just don't understand why he would…would…" Pietro said, dropping his composure.
Kitty moved over next to him and put her arm around him while leaning her head on his shoulder. She was trying not to start crying again, and seeing him this way wasn't helping. She needed them to be strong for her.
"I know. I don't understand either." She said, letting one tear fall.
How do you get that lonely?
How do you hurt that bad?
To make you make the call, that havin' no life at all
Is better than the life that you had
How do you feel so empty, you want to let it all go?
How do you get that lonely…and nobody knows?
Friday came sooner than anyone expected. No one was prepared for what was about to take place. Kitty still couldn't believe that she would never see him again, never talk to him again, and that he would never know…
She tried to keep those thoughts out of her mind as she dressed herself that morning. She put on a pair of black pants and a dark purple turtleneck. She was also wearing a long black coat and a pair of black boats. As she glanced out the window she saw that it had just started to snow. It was a light snow, nothing more.
Kitty sat down on her bed and waited for someone to come and tell her that it was time to go. She didn't have to wait very long. About five minutes later, Kurt knocked on the door and came in. He sat down beside her and took her hand in his.
"Kitty, you are going to through zhis. I know you, you are a very strong person and I believe in you." He said, squeezing her hand. She looked up at him, tears forming in her eyes for what wouldn't be that last time this day, and smiled a true smile. She kissed his cheek and stood up.
"Kurt, you are like, the best friend any girl could ever ask for." He smiled at her and stood up as well.
They all left the mansion at the same time. All of them were going. Even Scott was going. In fact, Kitty and Kurt were riding with Scott and Jean. The car ride was quiet the whole way. No one knew what to say. It was one of those times when there's nothing you really can say.
The funeral went by smoothly. Kitty held Kurt's hand the whole time. Her tears were ever flowing. After the funeral they all went back to the Institute where they were having food and drinks. Kitty, however, sat outside gazing up at the stars. A small smile formed across her face as she saw a shooting star.
Pietro sat down beside of her, looking up at the sky as well. They sat in silence for a while; just enjoying each other's company. Kitty was the first to speak.
"Lance and I use to look at the stars sometimes." She said, never taking her eyes off of the sky. "We'd talk about everything. What was going on in the world, what was going on in our lives, our…future." She sighed before continuing. "He told me he loved me." She whispered, ignoring the tears, as they were all too familiar by now. "I thought we were happy. What went wrong?" she cried.
Pietro put his arm around her. "That, we will probably never know. But there is one thing I do know. Lance was very happy with you. Whatever happened must have been something he'd been battling against for a long time. Because I know he would never leave you, or any of us for that matter, if he could help it."
"Thanks, Pietro." She said, sniffling. "Could you do something for me?"
"Depends." He joked.
She smacked him lightly. "Can you go get Kurt for me? I need to talk to him."
"Sure." He said, hugging her and then racing inside to find the fuzzy dude.
Kurt appeared about two seconds later.
"Are you all right, Kitty?" he asked, worried.
"Yeah…I'm fine." She said, offhandedly. "Can you take me back to Lance's grave?" she asked, staring into his eyes.
"Now?" he asked.
"It's important…" she trailed off.
"Alright. Should I let zhe Professor know vhere ve're going?" he asked.
"No, it shouldn't take that long." She said, taking hold of his arm.
They took the X-van and arrived at the graveyard shortly. Kitty walked the already familiar path to her love's grave. Kurt followed behind her, but giving her enough space so as not to crowd her. He leaned against a tree about ten feet away from Lance's grave where Kitty was now kneeling. He couldn't hear exactly what she was saying, but it didn't matter.
"Lance," Kitty whispered, fresh tears hitting the newly packed earth. "I miss you so much."
She remained silent a while, just staring at his tombstone.
"I…I don't understand how you could just leave me like this…us like this. I guess I should have like, told you that night, but I was scared. And now I'm even more scared."
Suddenly a cold breeze sent chills up Kitty's spine. She looked up and saw…Lance? It was his ghost. He was standing there, looking down at her sadly.
"Lance?" she asked, standing up.
"Hey pretty Kitty." He said, giving her a sad smile.
"Lance, how could you?" she asked, crying freely.
"I'm so sorry Kitty. I never meant to hurt you. There's something inside of me that I couldn't control; a part of me that would never let me forget the fact that my parents left me as a child. A part of me that made me believe no one cared. It made me feel as though I was worth nothing. That no one could ever love me. It was a part of me that I had buried in the back of my brain, refusing to ever let it out again. It's been fighting against me for years now. I tried everything to beat it, but it was just too powerful." He said, taking her hand in his.
Kitty didn't know what to say. She never knew Lance was this troubled. He never told her. You never asked. A voice in the back of her mind said. She shook her head violently. No, I couldn't have stopped this, I couldn't have.
"Kitty, I love you more than anything, and I want you to be happy." Lance said, taking her face in his hands and forcing her to look at him. "Will you make me a promise?"
"I…I can't."
"Kitty, listen to me. You have to. You can do this. I believe in you. You're stronger than this."
She nodded, staring deep into his eyes, trying to memorize everything about him.
"Promise me, that you will move on. That you will fall in love again. I know it may take some time, but please Kitty, I want you to be happy." He said, wiping a few of her tears away.
"Lance, how could I ever like, fall in love again. You are the only one I'll ever love." She said, tears clouding her vision.
"You say that now Kit, but you don't know that. You're only seventeen. You're young. You have your whole life ahead of you."
"I promise." She whispered, not wanting to hear any more.
"Thank you." He said, smiling. "I have to go." He said seriously.
"Lance wait," she said urgently. "I need to tell you something.
He waited patiently for her to tell him what she came here to tell him.
"I'm pregnant."
Lance closed his eyes and Kitty saw the tears that formed in them escape. She knew now that she should have told him sooner. That if she did, things might not have turned out the way they did. She fell to the ground, crying.
"I'm so sorry Lance."
"Kit, nothing could have changed this. Everything happens for a reason." Lance said.
"How am I suppose to raise our child alone? I'm seventeen and I still have another year of school left." She cried.
He put his arms around her. "Kurt and Pietro will look after you. They care about you, Kitty. You're friends won't desert you. I have to go." He said, standing up. He was starting to fade away. "I will always love you pretty Kitty." And then he was gone.
Kurt came up to Kitty and held her close. He picked her up and carried her to the X-van. He saw everything, but it was just so hard to believe. Kitty didn't deserve zhis. He thought angrily.
They arrived at the mansion and Kurt ported them up to Kitty's room, where he tucked her in before heading back downstairs.
It was just another story, printed on the second page
Underneath the Tiger's football score
5 Years Later
Kitty's room at the Institute had changed tremendously over the years. The bed that Rogue had once occupied now had pink comforters and stuffed animals all over it. There were also some coloring books and crayons scattered across it.
Kitty looked at this and smiled. Callie, that was what she had named her daughter; Callie Alvers. She was a very cute little girl with long brown hair that was usually always tied back in a bow. She had her daddy's eyes, though. There was no mistake in that.
The Professor had offered a separate room for Callie many times, but Kitty always rejected it. She said things were fine the way they were. Everyone knew that Kitty was very protective of Callie. She reminded her too much of Lance. She was very much like him. And there was always a sadness in Kitty's eyes when she looked at her daughter. Very few ever noticed this, though; Kurt, Pietro, and Rogue were about the only ones.
Kitty smiled, thinking about her friends. Rogue and Gambit had married not more than a year ago. Rogue had learned to control her powers and was able to touch, for the most part. Pietro left New York three years ago. No one knows where he is living, but he does come visit Kitty and Callie occasionally. Kurt…Kurt had proposed to Kitty two weeks ago. She had excepted. Kitty had always loved Kurt, and he her, and he knew that a part of her heart would always belong to Lance. He was okay with that, though.
Thinking of Lance was still hard for her. But seeing him in their daughter everyday made it somewhat easier. Kitty reached over and pulled a box out of her nightstand. She had kept clippings and pictures of her Lance in it from when they were younger. She pulled out the newspaper clipping that told of Lance's death. She read it; something she would do every once in a while.
Tears formed in her eyes as she remembered back to when all of this happened. She didn't bother to wipe them away this time. Kitty had always tried to keep a strong face for her daughter. She would never show her weakness by breaking down. The last time she had broken down completely was a few weeks before Callie was born. She needed Lance then more than ever, and that was about the time it hit her that he was never coming back.
"Momma?" Callie asked, coming into the room and standing in front of her mom's bed.
"Oh, Callie, I like, didn't hear you come in." she said, trying to hide the fact that she had been crying, but it was too late, Callie had already seen.
"Momma, why are you crying? What are you looking at?" she asked, climbing onto the bed and sitting in her mother's lap.
"It's nothing really sweetie. Where's Kurt?" She asked, trying to change the subject.
She shrugged, taking the newspaper clipping from her mother's hands. "What's this."
"That's about your daddy." Kitty said, putting her arms around her daughter.
"Daddy?" Callie whispered, touching the picture of him on the page.
"Yep, that's your daddy." She said.
"What's it say?" Callie asked.
"It's just a short story, telling how your daddy died. It's not the truth. Nobody knows the truth. Well, two people do."
"Who?"
"Your daddy…and me." Kitty said, grabbing Callie's blanket and putting it over her before going back to the article.
"What happened?"
"Well, your daddy had a bad childhood, and that never left him. He never really loved until he met me. There were these voices in his head that would tell him lies; tell him his wasn't worth anything. Your daddy fought those voices for a long time, but in the end, they won. You're daddy died two days after I found out I was pregnant with you. He didn't know." Kitty said, sadly, ignoring her tears.
"So, he doesn't know about me?"
"No, he knows. And he's watching over us right now." Kitty said, as she felt a gush of wind sweep throughout the room. She knew it was Lance; the window wasn't open.
Callie fell asleep and Kitty tucked her in. She walked out onto her balcony and looked up at the night sky. Kurt joined her shortly, taking her hand in his. They stared at the stars for a long while in silence. Kurt kissed Kitty's cheek and told her he was going to bed.
After Kurt left, another presence showed up. Kitty knew who it was immediately. She turned to look at him and saw him staring up at the stars.
"Hey pretty Kitty, long time no see."
"Your daughter is exactly like you." Kitty said, looking into his eyes.
"She's beautiful." Lance said, looking through the window at her.
Lance walked inside and sat on Callie's bed. He stared at her for the longest time. He reached down and moved a stray piece of hair from her face, placing it behind her ear. He smiled and leaned down and kissed her forehead. Then he whispered in her ear, "I love you, Callie," before getting back up and walking back out on the balcony.
"Glad to see you've kept your promise." He smirked. "Kurt, huh?"
"Yeah…Lance, I love you more than anything. You know that right?" Kitty said, taking his hand.
"Always have and always will." He said, turning and looking back at the sky. "Right back at you, pretty Kitty." He then turned back to her, winked, gave her hand a squeeze, and was gone.
Kitty glanced back up into the night sky. She saw a shooting star and she smiled.
A/N: Yeah…depression sucks. Hope y'all liked it. Please review and let me know what you think.