Can hope and forgiveness prevail between Will and Mac?
"Hope" is the thing with feathers— by Emily Dickinson • 1064 poems by Emily Dickinson
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I've heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
Hope & Forgiveness
Mac's apartment had very few furnishings. When she first arrived in New York and secured an apartment, she delighted in shopping not only for women's clothes, but in ordering furniture for her new quarters. Her agent had cut a three year contract, but all that was thrown to the wind when Will orchestrated her ridiculous contract in which she could be fired at week's end. Mac ended up cancelling some of her furniture order. In the living room, she ended up with décor that consisted only of an area rug, a comfy chair with ottoman, a small table stand for a reading lamp, a matching desk and chair set and a TV with stand. The only thing she held firm in her original order was her complete bedroom suite. Mac figured she could splurge on that since her sleeping accommodations overseas had left something to be desired. With this minimalist lifestyle, it could all be packed up easily and she could be gone if she found that Will fired her. It never came to that, but after more than a year she got used to her stripped living conditions. If anything, it was luxurious after her war stint with the Marines and she had certainly lived with a lot less when she was over there.
Her life since she got back from the war zone and into the Newsroom had its ups and downs. Her memory rewinding back to when she first stepped into the bullpen and first laid eyes on Will after her messy departure more than four years ago. She remembered the look in his eyes – they were like daggers and they had stopped her dead in her tracks. She had to break eye contact with him to release herself from the onslaught of loathing she could feel emanating from him as she turned to introduce her Senior Producer, Jim Harper. Then the whole chaotic event with the BP spill happened and in all that commotion the spark between Will and her was reignited in their working relationship. Things were different now from those first few weeks and as the months passed, Mac and Will's relationship eased into professional and sometimes comfortable routine. There were days of friendly ribbing and sweet moments like Valentine's Day when he gave her a warm hug after the Rudy incident. She replayed that moment often in her thoughts because just remembering his arms encircled around her brought a warm and tingly sensation that would spread throughout her body. There were also days when she felt his punishing anger that was just beneath the surface like when he brought Brian in to write "the article."
Following Will's episode in the hospital, she was sure that over time she could coax out of him what the rest of the voicemail message said. She gleaned that maybe he was still interested and would like to try to make a go of it again. It bolstered her hope that maybe this time, she could win her Billy back after all these months of trying. But as weeks passed, those hopes were dashed as he made no move in that direction. Everyday she would ask him to spill the beans and expect him to tell her that he wanted her back, tell her that they had a chance of starting over and everyday that hope was dying a slow death. Maybe what she read into what that message said was just wishful thinking, a wish that she could be forgiven and that they could start with a fresh slate. Brian's words came back to haunt her, "He doesn't want you."
After a few months of no progress, Mac just stopped asking the question and things in the newsroom fell back into their professional and safe existence. Will seemed content with this arrangement and while nothing between them was contentious, she was sinking deeper into a sandpit of self pity and emptiness. In order to ward off her own heartache, she would immerse herself into the lives of her newsroom family. She truly loved them and wanted happiness for them even though hers seemed unattainable. She was an optimistic person by nature, after all, and what small joy she could elicit from them brought her some comfort. But by evening's end, it was still an empty apartment she was going home to every night after a day's work.
Since leaving the hospital, Will kept a professional but cool distance from Mac. Even after learning that she didn't hear the message, he was having trouble trying to reconcile the hurt he felt all those months when he thought that she had rejected him. It was stupid really, he should be elated that her rebuff was imagined, but it was like muscle memory was kicking in because his heart still felt real pain. He still needed to work it all out in his head and that's where Dr. Habib's expertise was sorely needed.
It didn't help that everyday Mac would ask the same question, "What was the rest of the message?" It became a daily annoyance because he just wasn't ready to reveal his true feelings. He knew that in his heart he wanted to try again, but fear would creep in and paralyze him from action. Better to stay status quo than to risk possible rejection, at least in his mind. But after awhile, Mac stopped asking that irksome question and if he was honest with himself a different kind of hurt was settling in his heart that maybe she'd given up hope on him. He had to admit he really wasn't giving her any signs of hope either and it bothered him that he was the cause of her distancing herself away from him.
When she would come in to his office and plop in the seat across from him, he would have to steel himself from the thoughts going through his head. Her long slim legs and that inviting neck in which he would love to bury his head and affix kisses in that sweet spot that used to be all his. He would love to breathe her in and run his hands through her soft hair. More and more he would have to remind himself to get a grip and have to give himself a mental cold shower by thinking of some innocuous thing in order to hide evidence of his growing arousal. He was good at putting on a stoic, almost aloof expression on his face, but it was getting more and more difficult to do as time went on because she was so intoxicating to his senses. His heart would alight when he would catch her laughing with Jim or Maggie or any of the other newsroom staff family or when Mac would warmly drape her arm on one of their shoulders. She was good that way because she took the time to get to know them and what was going on in their lives. She cared for them and a little part of him was jealous because he was not the object of that affection. Then that little voice inside his head would say, "You're not, but you could be." If only he could tear down that wall that he'd built up to protect himself.
Charlie had been hearing in the rumor mill that CNN was interested in stealing away his award-winning EP. Wanting to be proactive and not take anything for granted, he called Mac and Will to meet him in his office. Mac received Charlie's call while she was sitting at her desk trying to ward of an oncoming headache. As she got up, she wondered what it could be about and made her way to the elevator. There Mac ran into Will who had also been summoned to Charlie's office. When they arrived and sat down, he didn't beat too long around the bush.
"Mac, I've been hearing through the grapevine that CNN has been courting you," Charlie's intonation was more a question than a statement.
Mac had been approached by CNN a few times, but never really gave it too much thought because she wasn't seriously thinking of changing jobs. She was hoping that things with Will would be moving forward in a more personal direction, but all things considered she was well content with her work status. When both men looked at her, she realized she hadn't answered.
"Uh…there have ….been offers."
"And have you been entertaining any of these offers, because let me know before you accept anything so that maybe we could work something out." Charlie asked and gave a side glance at Will letting him know he was thinking about that absurd contract Will concocted. Will had the decency to look awkward.
"Oh, no Charlie, and if I ever did you would be the first person I'd speak with before I accepted anything."
"Good to know, I just wanted to clear that up," Charlie said as he saw Will give a sigh of relief.
With that business concluded, both Mac and Will headed out of Charlie's office to the elevator.
"I didn't know that you were looking to leave."
"As I told Charlie, they are only offers, I'm not interested. Are you telling me I should be concerned, are you planning on firing me at the end of the week?" she said half jokingly.
"No," he said, feeling like he just dodged a bullet.
Several weeks had passed and it was more of the same in the Newsroom. But one thing Mac was looking forward to was her Skype visit with Jaden. She would touch base with him every other month or so and they would catch up with each other. When the connection was made, she was surprised to see his parents on the screen. When she saw the look on their faces, she knew bad news was imminent. Their grief was so palpable; she wanted to reach through the computer to comfort them, as her own grief was already taking hold of her. She learned that he had passed away four days ago when complications from a minor surgery produced a blood clot that had travelled to his heart. Mac told them how much she treasured his friendship and that he was a wonderful boy with so much courage.
After she gave her condolences and closed the connection, the full weight of Jaden's death was sinking in and Mac was starting to relive a time she preferred to keep tamped down. She sat there awhile trying to compose herself, but it was no use. She could feel it growing in her consciousness and she wanted to get to a quiet place where she could cry and be alone before anyone saw her. She headed out of her office and was headed to the ladies room but, thought better of it and ducked into the stairwell.
Jim spied Mac's hasty departure from her office, but instead of heading to the conference room for the rundown meeting, she was heading out of the bullpen. Jim's Blackberry buzzed with a text from her asking if he could cover the rundown meeting. He knew her well enough to know that something was wrong and ended up texting her back – No problem, but we'll talk later. Jim gave an excuse for Mac's absence, but whether anyone believed it was another matter. After the meeting, Will walked up to Jim and asked, "Is Mac okay?"
Jim gave a noncommittal answer and said, "We'll see you up in the meeting with Charlie regarding the vetting of that source."
Will gave him a puzzled look, "See you there."
As soon as he was alone, Jim texted Mac – Where are you?
In the stairwell.
Jim entered the stairwell and found his boss and friend sitting on the stairs with a tear streaked face. He went over to sit by her and wrapped his arms around her as she placed her head on his shoulder and started to cry again.
"Mac what's wrong, what happened?"
"Jaden died."
He was stunned into silence as the sadness started to engulf him, then he asked, "When, how?"
Mac relayed her Skype visit with Jaden's parents and the details of his death. They both recalled their time with him in their own minds, yet were still grieving together.
Jim didn't really want to break from this private moment with Mac, as the news still felt like a raw and open wound to both of them. But he didn't want to face more questioning on Mac's absence from a second meeting today so he reminded her of their meeting with Charlie and Will that was going to begin in a few minutes. Mac wanted to tidy up before heading upstairs so Jim ran to get her purse from her office and came back. Checking to see if the coast was clear before he opened the door, he signaled Mac that it was safe to head to the ladies restroom. Once there she tried to staunch her swollen eyes and repair her makeup. She realized that the effort was futile as no amount of magic was going to hide the fact that she had been crying. Well, she'd just try to hide her face. She found Jim waiting for her and they made their way up to Charlie's office together.
Will took note that it was unlike Mac to be late as she was usually the first to arrive to Charlie's meetings. She'd already missed the rundown meeting and he wondered what was going on with her. He was already seated and making small talk with Charlie when they came in a few minutes later. He could tell right away that something was off when he noticed Jim's protective posture over Mac. Jim steered her to the seat closest to the door while he placed himself in the chair between him and Mac. Her head was hung low and she purposely didn't make eye contact with either him or Charlie. Her hair had fallen over her eyes and Mac made no attempt to sweep it behind her ear. Will started to get up but Jim put his arm up as if to stop him and pleaded with his eyes to both him and Charlie as if to say "leave her be for the moment."
All the angst that came into the room with them was not lost on Will and Charlie. Charlie tried not to bring attention to Mac's obvious pain when he started with the meeting. Will could also see that Jim was trying to keep control of his own emotions and he would nobly interject on Mac's behalf so that she didn't have to speak much. Jim knew that just one small push and she would be in tears again, so he tried to shield her from any further pain and prevent that dam from spilling by keeping the talk work related.
Ten minutes into the meeting Mac feebly announced that she had a massive headache and that she needed to go home. The three men mirrored her as she stood up to leave. She asked Jim to please forgive her and to cover the evening's show as she gently took hold of his arm and placed a soft kiss on his cheek. Although still not making eye contact, Mac directly addressed Will for the first time in the meeting, "Go easy on Jim, he's had a rough day." She turned and made her way out the door. As Jim's eyes trailed after Mac, the two men turned to him for an explanation to see a single tear roll down his face.
"What's going on?" Will asked with concern in his voice.
"We both lost a friend today." Jim said as he let his tears flow freely now that he didn't have to be brave for Mac.
Both Charlie and Will looked at each other and knew there was more to the story, but they let Jim wipe his tears and gather his thoughts before he continued.
"He helped her. He helped her," Jim repeated again slowly. "He brought her back to life. I almost saw her die twice – once when she was stabbed and then again when the infection almost took her away."
Will was stunned and almost fell back in his chair. When Mac went overseas, Will did everything in his power to cut Mac out of his life. No updates, no answering her phone calls and no reading her emails. Although he didn't read her emails, he couldn't bring himself to delete them; he just created a separate folder for them and would transfer them unread whenever one of them appeared in his mailbox.
Charlie loosely kept abreast of Mac's movements when she was overseas, but not to the extent of every detail. He had known that Mac got hurt, but not the seriousness of her injury. Once he learned she was okay, he didn't bother disclosing the information to Will, especially when Will made it very clear that the subject of MacKenzie McHale was off limits. The very mention of her name brought out the worst in Will and Charlie already had his hands full coping with his temperamental anchorman.
"What do you mean she almost died?" Will asked.
Now both men were going to get a first hand account from Jim. He started to convey the story, "There was a Shiite protest in Islamabad…"
Mac felt the stab into her abdomen and watched with a detached fascination as the knife plunged deeper until it reached its hilt and then the searing pain as the knife's owner retracted it from her body. Commotion ensued as she watched her attacker disappear into the crowd and she saw her own life's blood spilling from her wound. In moments, Jim had rushed to her side and she saw the seriousness of her injury reflected in his horrified face. Mac fell in a heap into his arms and the next thing she knew, her mind was sliding into blackness and then falling into oblivion.
The Marines they were embedded with had whisked her and her crew away as fast as they could from the volatile crowd to seek medical attention for Mac. She was patched up as best as could be expected and air lifted out of there as soon as she was stable enough. When she awoke, it was at Landstuhl Regional Medical Center, a military hospital in Germany. She kept going in and out of consciousness, but in those brief waking moments, she would see her ever loyal Jim keeping watch over her. What she did to deserve him, she did not know.
Mac recovered briefly for a few days and managed to send an email to Will begging for his absolution for her crime in breaking his heart and to please come to her in her hour of need. But she soon developed sepsis that racked her with fever and in her delirium she kept asking for Billy. Jim didn't even know who Billy was, how to find him or if he was even real. For all he knew, it could have been some childhood friend. The doctors and medical personnel explained that the fever was causing her mental confusion and her incoherent prattle. Jim did his best to comfort her but at times she was so despondent.
When Mac's fever finally broke and she learned that Will did not come or even answer her email, it was to be her darkest time. She fell into a deep depression and Jim did his best to console her even though he didn't know what the cause of her sorrow was. He had asked who Billy was, but Mac became tight lipped and sunk deeper into her melancholy. He had never seen her like this and it scared him to the core to see his ever optimistic mentor in this sobbing state. She eventually stopped her crying and became very quiet, actually scaring Jim more than before. It felt like the light in her eyes had gone out. He tried his best to revive it but was failing miserably. It wasn't until a little boy by the name of Jaden had entered both their lives a couple a doors down from Mac's hospital room.
Jaden was a bright seven year old boy who was boisterous and full of life. To look at him you wouldn't know that he was such a sickly child. He had been diagnosed with Neuroblastoma when he was four and had already gone through a several surgeries to remove tumors from his abdomen. His latest stay in the hospital was for an infection, but his health was on the upswing when Mac and Jim had met him.
When Mac was feeling better and had more strength, both she and Jim would migrate to the sitting room for a change of scenery. This was where they first met Jaden and his parents and the chemistry between Jaden and Mac was instant. She was still feeling down, but she brightened when she would speak with him. In the beginning it was a brave front on Mac's part to engage with him in conversation, but after the growing number of visits she was genuinely enjoying his company and his youthful enthusiasm was contagious. Jim could see that it was doing wonders for her morale.
Their friendship continued after Mac and Jim returned to the war zone with their Marine comrades and even upon her return to the States. His courage and childlike exuberance always recharged her spirit.
xxx
"I didn't know it at the time, but she was calling for you and when you didn't come, she wanted to die. Jaden brought her back. I don't mind telling you, but I never want to see that look on her face again," Jim said coming to the end of his story.
Will was crestfallen and desperate to see her to sort this all out, but there was still the show to do. As soon as it was over, he called her phone and got her voicemail, but decided not to leave a message since the last time worked out so well - Not. Changing tactics, he shot her a text and waited impatiently for a reply and twenty minutes later came her answer, Must be coming down with something, not feeling well, just want a quiet weekend with no interruptions, see you on Monday.
It was driving Will crazy, but he decided to honor her wishes and wait until Monday. Monday came and still no MacKenzie; she called in sick. Just then his phone rang, it was Charlie calling him up to his office.
"Will, has something transpired between you and Mac that I don't know about?" Charlie questioned.
"What?"
"Mac called me last night telling me that she is going to take CNN's offer. Do you know anything about that?"
"No, but I'm going to find out."
"Will, now don't be ass. You want to talk her into staying, not drive her away," Charlie begged.
He gave Charlie a look that said, "Got it."
Will made his way to her apartment. He had never been to Mac's place since she'd come back to New York and was a little apprehensive at seeing it for the first time. Both he and Mac kept that part of their lives separate. The only time she was at his apartment was during the News Nights anniversary party and when she, Lonny and Manny were worried about him and found him collapsed on his bathroom floor. Getting off the elevator, he made his way to her door and knocked tentatively, then a little harder when she didn't come immediately. Mac opened the door in old sweatpants and a t-shirt; she was taken aback to see Will standing there. When she recovered from her surprise, she stood aside and said, "Come on in." After stepping into her apartment and surveying his surroundings, he was shocked to see such sparse furnishings. He said with a little more heat than he intended, "You've taken the job at CNN?"
"Will …"
Interrupting her, he said, his voice getting louder, "You couldn't wait to move your things?"
"These are the same furnishings I've had since I moved in, thanks to your stupid contract," Mac said with venom. "I figured it's easier to pack light when the hammer fell. And by the way, I've haven't told CNN that I've accepted their offer yet, though I intend to - I called Charlie last night to give him heads up. I'll stay long enough so that you and Charlie can find a new EP."
"Oh gee, thanks for your generous offer." Will said with dripping sarcasm.
"If that doesn't suit you, you can always fire me at the end of the week," she turned to him with hard eyes as if daring him, but immediately regretted her sharp tongue when she saw Will flinch. She did not want to end things this way. Mac paused, reeling in her thoughts on what she wanted to say. When she finally spoke, it was in a softer voice, "Look, I don't want to fight. Truce?"
"Truce." Will spoke in a calmer voice.
"Can I get you something?"
"No thanks." Will replied.
"Why don't we sit down?" Mac proffered with a sweep of her arm to the ottoman while she pulled out the desk chair and turned it around before pulling it closer to Will.
They both sat down and when neither one said anything for several moments, Mac finally said,
"Will, why are you here?"
"I….I ….Why are you leaving?"
"I think my time here has run its course and CNN has offered a nice work package where I can spread our show's philosophy over there."
"That's a BS answer - what's the real reason? Just tell me the truth."
"You don't like confessions or the truth, remember. So why don't we just leave it at that."
Will raked his hand through his hair and said, "I guess I deserve that, but now I am asking you to tell me …. Please." In a sympathetic voice, he added, "This all started when your friend passed away - tell me about him," he said trying to coax her.
"I've already told you about him. I've actually told you about a lot of things, you just didn't care to listen."
"What are you talking about?"
Exasperated, Mac said, "Will, I've already bared my soul to you in all those emails that you didn't bother to read. I've been an open book. You on the other hand have closed yourself off. I'm tired and I can't do this anymore. That little boy saved my life back there when I was at my lowest point." Mac became more emotional, and not having the full courage to look him in the eye, she pushed back her chair and started pacing. "I almost died over there. When I was in the hospital overseas, I asked you to come and when you didn't, I thought you didn't care if I lived or died," she choked out those last words. "It shames me that when I was close to death, I thought of leaving this earth, – it would have been so easy to let go." Still pacing, Mac hadn't seen that Will had turned to stone and that the color drained from his face.
How could she think that he didn't care what happened to her? Sloan was right, he was an ass. Yes, she had broken his heart, but she had come clean about her sin and yes for that one big mistake he shut her out. But what about him? When Mac needed him the most he failed her. It killed him to think she might have left this world thinking that he didn't care, hell, that he didn't love her. Facing one's mortality can make one brave enough to speak truth. Since she had come back, she had faced public humiliation when she accidently disclosed that she cheated on him, and the truth of the matter was that she was defending him. She faced his hostility towards her, his display of women as he flaunted them in front of her, his stupid prank with the ring, her anguish when he brought Brian in to punish her and rub her face in it. All the while, she'd taken everything he threw at her and at every turn, he knowingly hurt her over and over again. Will came to realize that he should be the one asking for forgiveness. Mac had done everything in her power to show that she was remorseful, while he purposely went out of his way to punish her and make her suffer. How could she know what was really in his heart if he didn't let her see it?
Mac continued, "I had to learn life lessons from a wonderful young boy with an extraordinary soul. Jaden showed me that there is still good in the world, that there is always hope. I decided then, that I would come back to the States and try to win you back as soon as my work obligation was over. I failed at that, but we did become friends again, right?" Mac paused in mid stride to look at him for his confirmation. "I can leave with that intact, right?"
"Yes, Mac, we are friends," Will said as he tried to stop the welling of tears that threatened to fill his eyes.
Mac resumed her pacing. "I just have to do it from a distance. You can have your life back and I have to move on with mine. My life has been as empty as this room." She stopped pacing again and spread her arms to emphasize the point. "I've been waiting, always waiting for something that is never going to happen. Jaden's passing has made me realize that I have to start living my life – I can't put it on hold anymore. As much as I wanted my life to be with you …I….I have to face that it wasn't meant to be – and if your friendship is as good as it gets, well then that's what has to be. I can still have a good life somewhere. " Mac said trying to convince herself.
Will grasped one of Mac's outstretched arms and pulled her to him, burying his head into her stomach. His strangled voice managed to sputter out, "Please don't leave Mac, I need you…..I…I… love you."
Mac froze. She couldn't quite believe if she was hearing correctly. She looked down on the top of Will's head and was getting her head around the fact that Will was clutching on to her as if for dear life, pressing his face ever closer into her midsection. He appeared to be having trouble breathing and his body was trembling. Instinctively she relaxed and started running her hands through his hair as he released an anguished sob.
"Will, it's not the end of the world. We both survived without each other, we can do it again.
"It's not just about surviving, Mac, it's about living a life that's worth living. I want to be more than friends. Do you think you would be up for that?" Will asked.
Her hands stopped their soft caressing of his hair and there was a long pause before she spoke, "What are you saying, Will?"
"I want us to be together," he pulled away from her enough to look into her eyes, imploring with his that he hoped her answer would be the same.
"I need to hear you say it and I need you to mean it, otherwise there is no future for us." After another long pause she said in a soft voice, "Do you forgive me?"
Will pulled her down into his lap. "I forgave you a long time ago and I didn't even know it. My head is finally catching up with what my heart knew all along. Do you forgive me?"
She wrapped her arms around his neck and buried her face into his shoulder where he could feel her long pent up tears soaking into his shirt. Her emotions were so high that they stole her voice and she was sobbing uncontrollably.
Will held her all the more tighter to calm her down. He knew that she was releasing the weight of all the guilt that she had been carrying all these years. He also was letting go of the guilt of his own actions that were meant as her punishment as his tears were mingling with hers. In that tight embrace was the beginning of the healing of both their hearts.
The End