After a long day of crime-fighting, Peter Parker, AKA Spider Man, decided to simply dive in through the window of his apartment, forgetting momentarily the fact that his best friend, Harry Osborn would most likely be in the room at the time. He also failed to recall Harry's avowed promise to "make spider man pay"
As he weaved through the buildings using his ever crowd-pleasing web action, the only thoughts that crossed his mind included the question of what he might have for dinner, and if that cherry pie was still in the fridge.
At last he reached the building where his apartment was located and prepared to swing into the window, when he was distracted by an eerie green explosion that erupted from the room. He shook this off, however; and proceeded to swing right into the room (luckily the windows were open)
As foreshadowed earlier, Harry was indeed in the apartment, in the very room where Peter landed. He looked utterly bamboozled. He looked around him wildly at first, and then proceeded to gawk at the bald dude in spandex.
Peter eyed Harry's outfit. His thoughts raced and he jumped to the only conclusion that his superhero-ish mind could reach.
"Who are you supposed to be?" He asked threateningly.
Harry was more than bamboozled now. He was swackhammered. First he's sitting down to tea, then he finds himself in a rather drab and underdecorated apartment, then a strange looking fellow enters through the window and asks him who he is in a very threatening manner.
"Well…" Harry replied huffliy. "I'm Harry P—"
"Aha!" The spider dude screeched. "So, Harry! You're a super villian now, are you? I see your stupid costume, not nearly as cool as mine. And I don't need a wig or a dress! I knew you would discover I was spiderman and then turn into an evil villian to try and kill me!"
He appeared to be glaring, although Harry couldn't tell because of the white felt that was covering his eyes.
"Look… "SpiderMan" I have no clue who… or what the hell you are! But I think you should stop yelling at me! I think I have the athority, I am after all… HARRY POTTER!!"
Peter glowered more (still unbeknowngst to Harry) "That is the stupidest super hero name I have ever heard! I AM SPIDER MAN! That's cooler!"
Harry shook his head. "Well… you're a loser!"
"Eat my spandex!" Peter cried as he dove at Harry.
Did I mention that Harry is 18 and an auror in training? Now I did. This should make things interesting…
Harry jumped out of the way in the nick of time and reached for his wand. He pointed it at Peter and cried one of the few spells that the author can remember, "Incendio!"
Peter yelped as flames flew from Harry's wand and onto the arm of his costume. His new one that he had just got cleaned yesturday!
He growled and slapped the flames until they died, leaving the skin-tight material in that area sufficiently scorched. He made the "I love you" sign with his palm upwards and web errupted from his wrist. Most of it got tangled in Harry's hair.
"Dammit!" Harry yelled as he struggled with his doo. With much scraping and not a little wand work, he was able to remove all of the web, but…
"Aw, fuck you!" Harry shouted. As he spotted himself in a mirror"Your sticky goo made my hair look good!" Now he was mad. But the author doesn't remember any more spells and is too lazy to look them up, and so…
"Mimblewabble!" He shrieked and jabbed his wand at Peter, who had been admiring his muscles. Nothing happened. Its not a real spell after all.
"Wait! I have one!" Harry cried in a feminine voice that obviously wasn't his. He was only confused a moment before screaming, "EXPELLIARMUS!"
Spider man flew backwards into the wall, where lots of random hanging things crashed to the floor with him.
"Shit…" He muttered.
Harry was about to hex him again when he made one request.
"Threaten my girlfriend!" He asked rather politely.
"Why?"
"JUST DO IT!"
"Okay… Um… I'm going to get your girlfriend…"
"NEVER!" Peter cried with renewed energy and jumped to his feet. He ran up and gave Harry a solid punch in the stomach.
Harry fell down. He sat on the floor wondering what to do.
Wait a mintue! He was an auror! He knew how to fight!
So he spun around in a way that could be classified as breakdancing, and tripped the spidery one, causing him to fall flat on his back.
It wasn't long before Peter used his webbyness to fly up to the ceiling. He sent a large web crashing down on Harry's head.
"That's it!" Harry cried in rage, as the spider webbish goo made his hair sleek and shiny. "I need revenge! If only I had another spell!"
So he thought…. Thought….. thououought. He used his mind, took a step at a time and… aww forget it.
He remembered two more spells. Both unforgivable, so he wasn't supposed to use them….
"Screw it! CRUCIO!"
"Eep!" Petter squeaked and fell to the floor where he began twitching and "eeping" a helluvalot.
Harry laughed maniacally, forgetting to keep the spell going and thus giving Spidey the chance he needed.
He leapt to his feet and kicked Harry in the groin. "That's for Marry Jane!" He grumbled.
"Who?" harry choked out. He bent his knees in an odd way and grimaced.
Forming a web around Harry's waste, Peter was able to fling him all around the room.
"Ow." Harry said each time he slammed into some random object.
But we can't have Spider Man win for too long.
The author remembered another spell!
"EXPECTOPATRUNOUS!"
A big ole horsey came out of Harry's wand and stood in front of Spidey, just looking at him.
"Hah!" Harry cried defiantly. "Now my patrunous will protect me from you because… wait. I don't even remember what this spell is for…"
The horsey faded away.
"Shit… um… EXPElLIARMUS!"
Spider Man crashed into yet another wall.
"This is ridiculous…" He wheezed.
"Wait a minute! RIDIKULUS! Oh wait… that's doesn't work in this situation either, does it."
"You suck at being a villian" Petter glared.
"Yeah, well… you suck at being… whatever the hell it is your supposed to be except a misplaced member of the Village People…"
"ARGH!!!!!" Spidey jumped up at the same time Harry did and they looked all Matrixee for a while.
Then they both fell to the ground without hitting anyone.
"I give up." Peter muttered, flipping onto his back.
"Same here." Harry sighed. "Why were we fighting again?"
Peter shrugged. "Cause you wanted to kill me."
"That's silly. I only just met you…"
He turned over to look at Harry. He stared at him for a good long time.
"I'm actually from England, you know…" Harry said at last.
Suddenly, Spider Man cracked up and Harry joined in. It all made sense now.
Don't you get it?
Good. Cause I sure as hell don't….
THE END