Izzie sits up in her bed. She looks around the room and struggles to remember what to do next. It seems these days everything is a struggle. Waking up, getting dressed, remembering people's names. She knows she used to be so smart and feels like she still could be smart. Her reasoning skills are good, but her memory is not returning at the pace she had hoped.
"Iz?" Alex says, poking his head into her bedroom.
"I'm up," she says, forcing a smile at him.
She remembers the wedding. She remembers how much she loves him. She remembers his face before all of this happened. Before her cancer, and before the surgery that changed their relationship. She knows she is a burden to him now, no matter how loving and kind he is to her. He has committed the rest of his life to her no matter what.
She stands up and tries to remember what to do next. She looks at the mirror which has a series of post its stuck to it.
"Brush teeth," she reads.
Izzie goes into the bathroom where she sees another set of post its. "Wet toothbrush then put toothpaste on. Close cap to the toothpaste and then brush teeth."
She follows all the steps then leaves the bathroom with the water still running. There was no post it that reminded her to turn off the water.
Meredith goes into the bathroom. "Who left the water running?" she calls, sticking her head out of the bathroom door. She sees Izzie standing in the hallway and realizes she must have been the culprit.
"Sorry," Izzie says.
"It's okay," Meredith says, smiling kindly. "It's one less thing I have to do when I go to brush my teeth," she adds.
Izzie smiles back politely and goes to her room.
"Are you ready?" Alex calls.
Izzie follows the steps on the post its and heads down the stairs.
"I made you breakfast. Well actually, I poured cereal into a bowl and put milk on it because I don't know how to make anything else," Alex says, setting the bowl in front of her.
"Thank you," Izzie says, slowly. She feels sluggish this morning, and even speaking is an effort.
"So, I'm going to work today. Meredith is going to stay with you until noon. Then, she has to go to work, and Cristina is going to come over. When she has to go to work, Lexie is going to come over for a while," Alex explains.
"Okay." Izzie says, agreeably.
"Who is coming first?" Alex quizzes her.
Izzie thinks hard. "Ummm…Cristina?" she asks.
Alex grimaces as though her wrong answer has caused him tremendous physical pain, but he answers patiently.
"No. Meredith is coming first. Then Cristina, then Lexie. Now, who is coming first?" he asks again.
Izzie thinks. Lists confuse her. Everything seems all jumbled together. "Ummm…George?" she guesses.
Alex shakes his head, trying not to let the frustration show on his face. "No. George is still in the hospital. The dumbass threw himself under a bus, remember?"
Izzie gasps. "Is he okay?"
"Iz…it's on a post it in your room…but he will be okay. It's going to take a long time though. We can go see him tomorrow if you want," Alex promises.
"Okay," she says.
"Meredith is coming to stay with you. Then Cristina. Then Lexie. Meredith…Cristina…Lexie…" he repeats.
"Alex…I'm tired. I'm always slower in the morning. I need a break," she says.
Me too, Alex thinks, but he presses on.
"I'm leaving then all the drills for you to do. I'm going to leave a note for them so they know the schedule. You can practice the new memory techniques they taught you at the hospital. I showed them to everyone so they know what you need to do. I'll be back in time for dinner, and I'll bring home something to eat. Cristina said she'd bring over lunch. If you don't remember how to cook soon, we're all going to starve or go broke eating takeout," Alex says, trying to smile as his joke falls flat.
Izzie sighs. "Okay. I'll see you later," she says.
"Don't just sit there on the couch all day looking at magazines. Make sure you do your memory exercises," he says, giving her a quick kiss.
Izzie doesn't answer, she just kisses him back and then settles into her favorite spot on the couch, grateful for the silence that engulfs the house.
She understands why they all feel like they have to babysit her. She knows it all goes back to when she first got home and she went out for a walk and forgot to take a cake she was baking out of the oven and when Lexie came home, the house was filled with smoke. She doesn't argue, but she hates being such a burden. Most of all, she hates the desperation Alex has for her to get better, because deep down, she knows that no matter how many times she does those stupid memory drills, she isn't getting better. Well…maybe a little better, but not even remotely close to the person that Alex thought he would spend the rest of his life with.
Meredith comes downstairs. "Hi Izzie. Did you eat breakfast?"
Izzie thinks about it. She's honestly not sure. She knows she sat at the table with Alex and she doesn't feel hungry, so she decides she must have eaten.
"Yes. I ate with Alex," she replies.
"Good. I'm going to have some coffee. Do you want some?" she asks.
"Sure. Thanks," Izzie says.
Meredith makes coffee and hands Izzie a mug and settles onto the couch next to her.
"So, Alex left me the drills we're supposed to do. Derek explained to me how your nerve cells need to be retrained and that the drills help to build new synapses, so we need to do them, no matter how much you'd rather sit around reading Marie Claire," Meredith says with a smile.
Izzie sighs. "I just want to close my eyes for a few minutes, Mer. I just came home from the hospital 2 weeks ago. I'm exhausted," she says.
Meredith looks at her sympathetically. "Okay. 10 minutes. But then I'm waking you up. I don't want the wrath of Alex when he comes home," she says.
No sooner has Izzie closed her eyes, is Meredith gently shaking her shoulder. "Iz…wake up. It's been 10 minutes and we have to get to work. I'm going to show you three pictures. You're going to remember the pictures and repeat them back to me 10 seconds later. Then we'll increase the amount of time that you'll need to remember them for. Okay?" Meredith says, as though she were talking to a child.
Izzie sighs, knowing it is going to be a long day. She is grateful for the time her friends have invested in taking care of her, but the nicer they are, the more pathetic she feels.
Meredith holds up a picture of a cat.
"Cat," Izzie says.
Meredith holds up a picture of an apple.
"Apple," Izzie says.
Meredith holds up a picture of a sun.
"Sun." Izzie says.
Meredith holds all three pictures next to each other. "Good. Cat…Apple…Sun." Now I'm going to put them away and you tell me what they were.
Izzie thinks hard. "Cat. Apple. Sun…" she says.
Meredith smiles and looks at her watch, silently counting to ten.
She looks at Izzie after ten seconds. "Do you remember the three items?" she asks.
"Ummm…Cat…Apple…and ummmm…Sun," Izzie says, slowly and deliberately.
"Wow! Iz!! That was excellent!" Meredith says, awkwardly patting her on the shoulder.
"Now we're going to wait 20 seconds." Meredith says.
Izzie knows she's already forgotten the items, so it is no surprise to her when Meredith asks her again and she says, "Ummm…Cat…ummmm…cat….I don't remember what came after cat. I'm sorry," she says.
"It's okay," Meredith says patiently. "You're doing great. You are doing wonderfully. I'm really proud of you, Izzie," she says.
For some reason, Meredith's kindness claws at Izzie and makes her eyes fill with tears. Meredith moves closer to her.
"Iz. It's okay. Remember what Derek said. It's not going to happen overnight. It takes time. Take a minute. Let's try again soon…okay?" she says.
Izzie wipes her eyes. "Okay," she says. "I'm sorry."
They try again, and at the 20 second mark Izzie fails again.
"Mer. I need another break. Please. I just can't anymore. I need to sleep,"
Meredith nods understandingly. "I'll bring you a blanket and a pillow and you can sleep right here if you want," she offers.
Izzie smiles. "Thank you," she says.
Meredith runs upstairs and grabs a pillow and an afghan from Izzie's room. She gently places the pillow under Izzie's head and the afghan over her body.
"Get some rest. Cristina's coming in an hour," Meredith warns.
(Break)
Izzie awakens to someone poking her in the arm sharply.
"Get up!" Cristina says, harshly.
Izzie groans.
"We've got work to do. Let's go sit at the table so you don't fall asleep. I'm not Meredith. I can't be manipulated into taking breaks every five minutes," Cristina says.
Izzie knows arguing is futile so she obediently stands up and moves to the kitchen. She is grateful to see that Cristina has made coffee and has brought lunch. Izzie moves towards the coffee pot but Cristina blocks her way.
"Not a chance. You'll work for your coffee and lunch. Your brain isn't turning to mush on my watch," Cristina says.
Izzie sighs and sits down. She doesn't have the energy to argue.
Cristina holds up a card.
"Cat," Izzie says.
Cristina nods and holds up the next picture.
"Apple," Izzie says.
Cristina nods again, holding up the next card.
"Sun," Izzie says.
"Good. Now we'll wait ten seconds," Cristina explains, "Then I'll ask you to name the three objects," she says.
"Cat, Apple, Sun," Izzie says, as Cristina looks up from her stopwatch.
"Good. If you can do it after 20 seconds I'll give you your coffee," Cristina offers.
"Cat…ummm…Apple…ummm…wait….I know this…Sun," Izzie replies.
"Good. Here's your coffee," Cristina says, handing her a black cup of hot coffee.
Izzie sips it and then reaches for the sugar.
"Uh uh!" Cristina says. "You get sugar after 25 second recall. Go!"
Izzie sighs.
"Cat…ummmmm…dammit! I know it's a fruit…orange…no wait. Apple. Cat…Apple…Sun," Izzie says, proudly.
"Good. Here's your sugar," Cristina says, handing her the bowl of sugar and smiling.
Izzie spoons the sugar into her coffee and sips it.
"Tell me the three objects again," Cristina orders.
"Cat…ummmm….Cat….ummmm…." Izzie racks her brain trying to recall the other two. "I don't know," she admits.
"Okay. That's alright. I already beat Meredith. She only got 10 second recall. I got 25! That's 15 second improvement," Cristina says.
"So I have the memory of a slightly larger carrot now?" Izzie asks, sarcastically.
"Yes. A larger, riper carrot. But it will get better every day," Cristina reminds her.
But not normal, Izzie thinks.
"Okay. Are you ready for the next activity?" Cristina asks.
"If I say no can I go back to sleep?" Izzie asks.
"Sure. But no burger from Joe's then. And he made them especially for you…" Cristina says, holding up a steaming hot bag.
The aroma of the cheeseburger hits Izzie and her stomach rumbles. She can't believe how hungry she is. She knows Cristina means business, so she says, "Fine…let's do it."
Cristina shows her a page of pictures. "You have 20 seconds to name these 9 pictures. After that, we'll take a break, and I'll cut it to 10 seconds and we'll do it again."
Izzie bites her lip as she looks at the pictures.
"Ball…shoe…star…square…dog…bell…drum…fork…book," Izzie says, slowly.
"Okay. Good. Here's your burger. But the kick ass fries are going to cost you another ten seconds," Cristina says.
Izzie devours her burger hungrily. She notices how much pleasure food gives her these days. When she finishes, Cristina says, "Okay…now in ten seconds…ready? Go!"
"Ball, shoe…star…ummm…square…dog…bell…ummmm…"
"Time! We'll take a break and try again," Cristina says, matter of factly.
"Cristina…I can't…" Izzie begins.
"Good. Then more fries for me," Cristina says, biting into a French fry.
As the aroma of the fries hits Izzie she says, "Fine…let's do it."
Cristina shows her the pictures again. "Go!"
"Ball, shoe, star, square, dog, bell, drum…ummm…fork,…book," Izzie says.
"That was 12 seconds, but I'll give it to you. Not bad, Izzie. You're getting better…slowly," Cristina says.
Izzie doesn't answer, she just grabs the fries out of Cristina's hand and devours them.
"Is Alex starving you?" Cristina asks.
"I don't remember…I just know that these fries are sooooo good," Izzie says.
"Half hour break. Then we're moving on!" Cristina says.
Izzie sits on the couch and turns on the television. The afternoon soap operas come on and she finds herself lost in their imaginary complex world as she drifts off to sleep.
When she wakes up, Lexie is sitting next to her in a chair. She straightens up nervously when Izzie wakes up.
"Hi! I'm really sorry. Cristina told me I was supposed to wake you in 10 minutes, but you looked so peaceful, I just couldn't. I mean, I'm an intern, I know how valuable sleep is and well…after brain surgery, and coding…and…cancer…well…I just thought you might be tired," Lexie says, speaking rapidly.
Izzie blinks hard to focus her eyes. She has a difficult time waking up, but forces herself to sit up and look around to orient herself again.
"Thank you," she says, grateful for the fact that Lexie did not interrupt her sleep.
"You're welcome. Just don't tell Cristina…okay?" Lexie says, nervously.
"I probably won't remember," Izzie says with a wry smile.
Lexie shifts uncomfortably in her chair. "Yeah. That must be really weird. I mean, you were really smart. I'm sure you're still really smart…of course, but I don't know…I mean…not to remember things…I guess…I can't imagine that. I have a photographic memory, and if all of a sudden it was taken away from me…I don't know how I'd function," Lexie wonders outloud.
"You'd kill a lot of trees," Izzie says, motioning to the post its all over the house.
Lexie walks around the room and begins to read each post it out loud.
"TV remote is in the drawer. Push power to turn on. Remember to turn off TV when finished. Eat lunch at noon. Bathroom is upstairs on the left. Turn off water after washing hands…" Lexie reads each one, slowly and deliberately her amazement growing as she touches each small, square of paper.
Izzie looks down, embarrassed.
"Wow. You don't remember where the bathroom is?" Lexie asks.
Izzie shrugs. "Sometimes I do. I have some times where things come a little easier, but on a bad day…no. I can't remember where the bathroom is. Sometimes I don't even remember where my room is," Izzie admits.
"Wow. Ummm…you know, Cristina gave me these sheets and told me we had to work on them, but they seem a little irrelevant. I mean, who cares if you can remember the order of three objects if you can't even find your own room," Lexie says.
Izzie laughs bitterly. "Try telling that to her…or Alex…or even Meredith. All of them, they think if they keep drilling me I'll be normal again. But it's not working. I feel it. I'm not getting much better. Sometimes my recall improves for a few hours but then it disappears again. I'll never be a surgeon again…I couldn't even be a dermatologist at this point," she says.
Lexie thinks. "So your memory is really bad?" she asks.
Izzie looks at her strangely. "That's what I just said. Even I remember that much."
"So if I tell you something, you probably won't remember it for very long?" Lexie asks.
Izzie points to a post it that says, You married Alex Karev on May 7th, 2009. "I don't even remember that I got married on some days," she admits.
"So if I told you that Mark asked me to move in with him, you wouldn't remember long enough to tell anyone?" Lexie asks.
Izzie smiles. This is the type of easy gossip and conversation that she misses. No one tells her about their life anymore because they know she won't remember. The fact that Lexie is confiding in her allows her to avoid thinking of her own situation for a brief moment.
"Your secret is safe. What did you say? Are you going to do it?" she asks.
"I don't know. I freaked. He told me that he was going to buy a condo and that I should come with him. I didn't know what to say, so I told him I needed to finish my residency and we couldn't move in together for 7 more years. I mean…I just totally freaked. I didn't know what to do…or say…so I said I had to focus on my career!" Lexie says, kicking herself.
Izzie thinks for a moment. "Why don't you want to move in with him?" she asks.
"I do…I mean…I do…but I don't…I mean…I do…but I'm scared. I don't know. He's Mark Sloan. Let me put it this way. First I lived with George…" Lexie stops as Izzie cuts her off.
"George? You lived with George? Were you and George like…together?" Izzie asks.
"No. It wasn't like that. I wanted it to be for a brief time…but it wasn't like that," Lexie says.
Izzie likes the way Lexie doesn't make her feel like she should have known that information even though she knows she should have.
"Anyway…that ended badly when I wanted more from him and he wasn't interested. Besides…I found out he slept with Meredith a while back and that would have been weird…and well…I don't know…" Lexie says, pausing before saying, "And I slept with Alex that one time…I mean…I'm sorry…I shouldn't have said that…and well…Oh my god. That was info you didn't need…" Lexie says putting her hands over her mouth in embarrassment.
Izzie gasps. "You slept with Alex? Really? He and I weren't together…were we?"
Lexie shakes her head quickly. "No! Definitely not. It was way before you guys were…you know…"
Izzie smiles. "Okay. Good. Because I like you and I wanted to make sure I didn't just forget that I'm supposed to hate you," she says.
Lexie smiles back. "Thanks."
"So anyway…you said that you lived with George and slept with Alex and can't move in with Mark…" Izzie reminds her.
Lexie continues. "Oh yeah. So I just feel like if I screw up again I will have really made a fool out of myself at work. I don't want to be that slutty intern who just goes through all the available men at the hospital. Besides…if it doesn't work out, it will be all awkward between me and Meredith and Derek. I mean, there's just a lot of risk involved," she explains. She stops for a moment. "Wait! You just reminded me of the topic of the conversation. That was really good! You remembered what we were talking about even after we changed topics!" Lexie says, happily.
Izzie blinks, surprised. "You're right! It's weird. There's not a lot of rhyme or reason to what I remember. Like I don't forget who people are…but sometimes I forget to turn off the water or the stove. I sometimes can't remember how to turn on the TV but I don't forget my relationships to everyone…I can remember my childhood, but can't remember whether I ate breakfast. One thing I have noticed is that it gets worse when I'm tense and better when I'm relaxed. I'm relaxed now because you're not pressuring me to remember anything," Izzie says.
"Good. I'm glad you're relaxed. So anyway…I just feel like I have to wait until I know we're both in this for keeps. It's still too new. Does that sound crazy? Like am I going to screw this up?" Lexie asks.
Izzie laughs. "It doesn't sound crazy. I mean, unless you have metastatic melanoma and rush into a wedding because you think you're going to be dead in a week, I think taking it slow is smart. Make him work for you. Make him think you're the prize he's got to fight for. It's romantic," Izzie says, with a conspiratorial smile.
Lexie ponders that for a moment. "I think that's good advice," she says. "And you promise you won't tell anyone that he asked me to move in with him. I don't want it to get around. He'll be embarrassed and well…you know…" Lexie says.
Izzie wrinkles her forehead in mock confusion. "Tell everyone what? I already forgot what we were talking about," she says, as they both laugh.
(Break)
Meredith puts her tray down next to Derek and leans her head on his shoulder.
"You look tired," he observes.
"Thanks. That's so good for a woman's self esteem to be told she looks like crap by her post it husband," Meredith says.
Derek kisses her. "Would it help if I reminded you that I'm going to love you when you're old, senile and smelly?"
"Definitely," Meredith says.
"So why so tired? You didn't have to be in until late today," Derek says.
"I don't want to tell you because it's going to sound like I'm complaining…and I'm not complaining…Really…I'm not," Meredith says.
"What if I promise not to interpret it as complaining, but as a simple act of sharing with your new husband? Will you tell me?" Derek asks.
Meredith relents. "Okay. But promise not to think I'm a horrible person?"
"Promise," Derek says.
"It's Izzie. I'm exhausted from taking care of her. I work a 24 hour shift, come home, do her memory exercises which she hates, try to keep her awake and alert and safe which isn't easy because the other day, she took a walk around the block and got lost halfway down the street because she couldn't remember what the house looked like. And another time, she forgot that she already put soap in the dishwasher and it overflowed with suds all over the floor which I had to clean up after being on call all night. I have to make sure her post its are in the right spot, and try to keep a cheerful, positive attitude while I know she's not getting better…well not better enough anyway…it's not working, Derek. She's never going to be a doctor again…" Meredith says.
Derek stiffens defensively. " I did the best I could. I told you…she was regaining her memory but when she coded, it set her back because of the lack of oxygen to her already compromised brain. We'll scan her again next week and see the degree of damage, but it's going to take time," he says.
Meredith puts her hand over his. "I'm not blaming you…I'm just frustrated."
"I know. I am too. I have a few ideas, but I need to scan her again before I can even consider anything," Derek says.
Meredith leans her head on his shoulder. "Can I take a nap…right here?" she asks.
"Anytime…" Derek says, putting his arm around her.
(Break)
Cristina sits across from Alex.
"Who's with Izzie?" he asks.
"Relax. Lexie came a little early so I left her with Izzie so I could get my rounds done early. I have two surgeries this afternoon and for the first time in my life I'm not totally prepared for the second one," Cristina says.
"You can't just leave early!" Alex explodes.
"She's taken care of. I told you…I left her with Lexie," Cristina reminds him.
"Lexie's a goddamn intern! What if she codes again? I said that Lexie was fine for a back up, but it's got to be you, Meredith or Bailey. Lexie is just a back up. She's not on the schedule unless it's an emergency!" Alex says, angrily.
"Don't yell at me, Evil Spawn! I got her short term recall up to 25 seconds today! What did you do, other than wallpaper the house with more post it notes?" Cristina snaps back.
"Shut up! Just shut up!" he snaps, knocking his tray over and storming away.
******
After the season finale I had to write something…
Let me know what you think and if you want to read more! I'll continue it if you guys like it!
I always have the best reviewers in the world, so I know this time will be no different!
Read and review!!!
-Jess