Basically a piss-take on random scenes from Half-Blood Prince. As you know by now, we don't believe in serious stories. There are spoilers, so read at your own risk.
Chapter One – The Slytherin Club
What Harry was really spying on in that compartment
"I'm glad we finally got out of there," said Neville, as they made their way back from Slughorn's compartment. "I think that man is rather strange."
"Hmmmm," said Harry, not really paying attention. He was too busy glancing ahead, still trying to get over the fact that Blaise Zabini was in fact, after many years of debate, a male.
"How come you ended up in there, Ginny," asked Neville, stroking Trevor who was sitting in his pocket.
"Well everyone suddenly thinks I'm amazing because I can produce a simple hex," said Ginny, flicking her hair. "Slughorn saw me hexing Zacharias Smith and suddenly went all gooey eyed. Next thing I know he's inviting me into his compartment. Good thing you all showed up. I swear he was going to try it on with me."
Harry suddenly had an idea. He saw Zabini slip into a compartment and thought that this would be the perfect time to do some spying. Zabini was now a male, which meant that he could possibly have Malfoy in there with him. And if they were alone, Harry couldn't bear to think of what might be going on.
Harry wasn't sure when his crush on Malfoy had started. All that he knew was that he had suddenly developed an unhealthy obsession with him, and now that Zabini was in the picture, that meant that Harry had to make sure if Malfoy was seeing him.
"Er, I'll see you guys later," he said to Ginny and Neville, and ran off before they had a chance to answer him.
Harry slipped on his beloved invisibility cloak and followed Zabini into a compartment. Unfortunately, he wasn't quick enough and Zabini slid the compartment door right into Harry's foot.
Harry gritted his teeth, his heart thumping as he caught sight of Malfoy, who was throwing a confused look at the door. Harry seized the door and slammed it back, causing Zabini to fall into Goyle's lap. Crabbe immediately jumped up and pulled Zabini off Goyle, his eyes burning with jealousy. Whilst this was going on, Harry leapt up onto luggage rack.
"Get off me you fat bastard," spat Zabini, pushing Crabbe. "I don't want your bitch. He's yours."
Satisfied, Crabbe sat back down. Goyle smiled and laid his head in Crabbe's lap.
"Ohhh drakie, look at them!" shrieked Pansy. "That looks soooo romantic! Why don't you put your head in my lap, and I can stroke your hair!"
"Sod off Parkinson," snapped Malfoy. "I like my hair the way it is thanks. No one messes with my hair except me."
Pansy sat back, sulking. Crabbe smirked and pulled out his copy of "A Brief History of Time", Goyle's head still in his lap.
"What did Slughorn want, Zabini?" asked Malfoy.
"Well he wanted me because dad works in ASDA," said Zabini. "I think he was hoping that I could get him some free pies."
"Stupid fat walrus," sneered Malfoy. "Bet you could hardly fit into the –
damn it, Pansy, stop trying to touch my hair!"
"He invited Weasley's sister," said Zabini, looking bored.
"Weasley's sister? Why the hell would he invite her?"
"Everyone fancies her," said Pansy sulking. "You fancy her, don't you Blaise?"
"Get lost," spat Blaise. "Why the hell would I fancy someone who looks like Weasley? That's sick."
Pansy smirked and reached for Malfoy's hair again, only to have her hand slapped away.
"For the last fucking time," said Malfoy through gritted teeth. "Leave my hair alone. Do you realise how long it takes me to style it in the morning?"
"Probably about as long as it takes Goyle to string a sentence together," sneered Zabini.
Goyle guffawed.
Suddenly there was silence. Crabbe sat there reading his book whilst stroking Goyle's bristly hair, Zabini was staring out of the window, looking bored, and Malfoy was combing his hair, whilst throwing dirty looks at Pansy, who kept sneakily lifting her hand to his head.
"Anyone seen the deleted scenes on the Goblet of fire DVD yet?" asked Zabini casually.
"Don't talk to me about that film," spat Malfoy. "Firstly, I was hardly in it, Secondly I had to go down Crabbe's pants – not pretty – and thirdly, they made me wear a goddamn wig, which took me ages to get off seeing as it was glued to my head."
"What about me?" whined Pansy. "I wasn't even in it!"
"That was the best part," muttered Malfoy.
Silence again. Harry felt a sudden urge to cough, but resisted.
"So," said Pansy casually. "What does everyone want to be when they grow up? I'd like to be a singing, dancing, fairy ballerina princess!"
She squealed.
"My dad wants me to be manager of ASDA," said Zabini.
"Father wants me to be a big, bad death eater, just like him," said Malfoy. "But I'd much rather be a ferret tamer."
There was silence. Pansy coughed.
"Goyle, what about you? What do you want to be when you grow up?"
Goyle grunted.
"A pig," translated Malfoy. Harry choked back a laugh. Malfoy stared at the luggage rack, frowning.
"What about you, Crabbe?" asked Pansy. Crabbe cleared his throat.
"As we have seen, Maxwell's equations predicted that the speed of light should be the same whatever the speed of the source, and this has been confirmed by accurate measurements. It follows from this that if a pulse of light is emitted at a particular time at a particular point in space, then as time goes on it will spread out as a sphere of light whose size and position are independent of the speed of the source. After one millionth of a second the light will have spread to form a sphere with a radius of 300 meters; after two millionths of a second, the radius will be 600 meters; and so on."
Crabbe fell silent, and continued stroking Goyle's hair. Pansy gaped at him.
Silence filled the compartment. Ten minutes passed.
"We better get changed, I can see that great Oaf in the distance," said Malfoy. Crabbe closed his book and Goyle got up. He reached up and pulled his trunk down, which whacked Harry on the head as he did so.
"YEEOOOOWWW!" bellowed Harry.
The Slytherins fell silent.
"Er, what was that?" asked Pansy. Malfoy shrugged, but his eyes were fixed on the luggage rack. A small smirk appeared on his face.
"Nevermind," he said. "You all carry on, I just need to do something."
Pansy, Crabbe and Goyle (holding hands) and Zabini left the compartment.
Malfoy looked around, then waved his wand.
"Petrificus Totallus!"
Before Harry knew what was happening, he was as stiff as a board, and was falling from the luggage rack.
Malfoy smirked and leaned over him.
"I thought so," he said. "That was you who screamed wasn't it?"
Harry grunted.
"You didn't hear anything I care about Potter – well, apart from the ferret tamer thing. But while I've got you here…"
Five hours later, Harry left the compartment, a huge smile plastered on his face…
A/N. Okay, that was a feeble attempt at humour. Oh and the paragraph that Crabbe reads is from Stephen Hawking's "A Brief History of Time." Everything written in the paragraph belongs to him, not us. Thank You. Er, Review?