Authors' Note: Please note that this fic was written by two Law & Order-
obsessed fans, and we have no reason to offend anyone, nor do we want to,
but we, in all honesty, are just a LITTLE bit tired of all the Claire/McCoy
fics and the ultra-serious "Aftershock" Lennie comes to terms with being in
the car when Claire died thingies. Therefore, if you do not possess much
in the way of a sense of humor, please read something else. Oh, and also-
Claire was just in a coma for six years but no one knew because she.was.in
Canada. So one day (about a week before this fic begins) McCoy comes home
and finds Claire making cookies, because, let's face it, they're meant to
be together. Also, we really, really hate Serena. We don't like Nora
either, which is why Schiff is back. And Curtis shall from now on be
referred to as Handsome Ben, since Rey Curtis is the name of some guy with
a beer gut who watches "The Price Is Right."
One last thing: if you actually take this seriously, you're more insane
than we are.
Enjoy.
*~*~*
THE REAL McCOY
otherwise known as
AT WHICH POINT.
It all began one day in May (hey, it rhymes!) when Claire and Jack were sitting in the EADA's office pretending to work while they flirted with each other. Handsome Ben walked into Jack's office carrying a 2.3 ton thingy in one hand. "This," he said handsomely, "is a time machine. We got it when we raided a crack/whore/mafia/trekkie house. Thought you might want it." With that he set it down and walked handsomely out. McCoy, who had not yet had his coffee, began cross-examining it. He walked around it threateningly, furrowing his brow. Claire attempted to point out that as it was an inanimate object it most likely wouldn't give him the answers he desired, and since it hadn't been examined in the first place it was kind of stupid to try to cross examine it. McCoy simply looked at her menacingly for a second and, as she walked slowly over to the desk, said, "did you in fact order ORANGE CHICKEN from General Tsao's yesterday?"
"I did, I did," she sobbed, " I thought no one would know, I-I'm so, so very sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone, it was just, I had to have it!"
At this moment Adam Schiff (The DA of Manhattan for those who are really stupid, or have no attention span) walks into Jack's office just as the enraged EADA yells out, " I rest my case!" Adam stands there, stunned, until he gets up the energy to crumple his face (like he did when his wife died-he seems to do it a lot) and walk back to his office. Then McCoy presses some buttons and jiggles some knobs and presto chango, there are now two perfectly imperfect McCoys.
"Well," Claire said, somewhat confused, "that was unexpected."
"No kidding," McCoy no. 1 said, "Handsome Ben said that it was a time machine." At this point, Schiff (once again for no conceivable reason but at least a little less crumply) walked in and said to Claire in his best game show host voice, "well, Ms. Kincaid, it appears that you now have to decide which McCoy is real, and which one is fake."
"Do I get a toaster oven if I win?" Claire said, perking up slightly.
"No, because we have no idea who the real McCoy is! You're guess is as good as ours!" Schiff said. It was getting a bit annoying.
"You can stop that now." McCoy no. 2 said.
"Right."
"Wellll." Claire said thoughtfully "I'll take.McCoy no. 2!" Claire picked McCoy no. 2 because he had his jacket slung over his shoulder, and McCoy no. 1 was just kind of standing there looking really freaked out. Of course, McCoy no. 2 was the fake McCoy, because if she picked the right one this fic would be really short and sort of pointless. McCoy no. 2 shall therefore be henceforth referred to a Fake McCoy and McCoy no. 1 as Real McCoy.
"Well," Schiff said, "I'm sorry, McCoy no.1, but as we can only pay one McCoy, you'll have to leave, however, you will be happy to know that you no longer have to pay taxes." It was at this point that Real McCoy lost his grip completely, as the Law & Order writers only have enough time to write for one McCoy, so he fell into the custody of The Twins Of Hazzard (hee hee).
*~*~* THREE DAYS LATER. *~*~*
As Real McCoy had been kicked out of Claire by Fake McCoy, kicked out of his apartment by Fake McCoy, Kicked out of his office by Fake McCoy, kicked out of his leather Jacket by Fake McCoy, and kicked out of his motorcycle by fake McCoy (needless to say his ribs were quite sore), he was now running amok, hither and thither, here, there, and everywhere, and just plain frolicking through the 2-7 precinct. The diligent officers of new York were not happy about having the once famed EADA always in their faces, he had already lost them several perps, As he insisted doing the interrogations, an excellent reason to have the arrests thrown out, something the judges weren't happy about.
After they banished him for the interrogation room, he was forced to live under Briscoe and Green's ( I know, we have Handsome Ben too, but just go with it, not everything has to make sense) desks and live on coffee and stale donuts. During the day Real McCoy ran through the precinct throwing flowers at people and singing "If You're Going To San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair)". Lennie occasionally threatened to shoot him, but mostly just stayed at his desk pretending to read his files and yelling at Green for calling him Old Spice (major ick).
However, everyone managed to work around this-you can get used to anything after awhile, including an insane attorney running around singing sixties hits and chucking daisies at you. But everyone at the 2-7 knew it was time to take matters in their own hands one day about a month after McCoy had first arrived when, a day when Logan and Handsome Ben were visiting for some reason. All was going well until around lunch time when Real McCoy crept over to Lennie's desk and stole his coffee cup. No one really noticed it was missing, though, until he also stole Logan's skinny plaid tie, wrapped it around his head as one would a bandana, tore off his shirt, held Lennie's much-esteemed Police Academy coffee mug high, and ran around the precinct screaming "BORN TO BE WIIIIIIIIILD!!" over and over. It was then that Van Buren locked herself in her office and called Skoda for professional help.
*~*~*
Meanwhile at the DA's office:
Silence
Crumple
Silence
Crumple
Silence
"Jack, I'm serious, knock it off" said Claire, who had been putting up with this for the past month
"Claire, if I want Adam's job I have to practice!" Said Fake McCoy
"Jack, I don't think that trait is necessary for you to be the DA, and even if it is Adam isn't retiring any time soon."
"CLAIRE, DID YOU IN FACT."
Crumple
As McCoy had stopped in the middle of his cross examination to do something completely unnecessary, a realization suddenly dawned on Claire.
"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE NOT.YOU'RE NOT THE REAL McCOY"
With that she ran down to the precinct as fast as her legs could carry her, and Fake McCoy could do nothing but follow her, crumpling all the way.
*~*~*
Skoda came over as soon as he could, and as soon as he got to the precinct he was glad he hadn't waited. It was complete pandemonium. Lennie was standing on his desk screaming out war cries and clutching his mug while Green tried to coax him down, Van Buren had locked herself in her office and was living on the contents of old takeout containers she found under her desk, and Real McCoy, having given Logan his skinny plaid tie back and stopped shrieking, was now running around the precinct, stopping every so often to pose for a picture like fitness celebrity John Baisak by sticking his hand in his pants. Skoda immediately ran over to him, asked him to stop, and when Real McCoy did not oblige, was forced to run alongside him telling him what he thought of his condition. It went something like this: "Jack, I think you (huff) are suffering a (puff) breakdown (wheeze) due to the fact that (gasp) you no longer have (puff) any writers. And I think that to help you I could-" But Real McCoy never found out what Skoda could do because it was then the good, although somewhat out of shape psychiatrist passed out on Lennie's desk (which Lennie had recently vacated to get a donut).
Seized with sudden inspiration, Real McCoy seized a lamp, shone it on Skoda's bald head, and used the magnified light to set Lennie's much talked about but never read files on fire. Lennie, seeing the flames from across the room, charged over and swung his coffee cup at McCoy, hitting him squarely on the cranium. Logan and Handsome Ben flew into action, screaming at the top of their lungs, "LENNIE'S PAPERS! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?" With that, handsome Ben began pouring hair gel down McCoy's throat, Logan began strangling him with his skinny plaid tie, and Lennie continued to savagely maul McCoy with his coffee cup. After watching this in shock for about five minutes, Green worked up the courage to say "hey, Lennie, they're only files." "YOU WANT SOMMA THIS??!?" Lennie roared, brandishing his coffee cup at Green, who had not been Lennie's partner quite as long as Handsome Ben and Logan, and therefore did not understand the importance of The Files. "N-n- no." he whimpered, leaving Lennie to continue mauling McCoy. This went on for another ten minutes until Van Buren opened her door and shrieked, "STOP THE MADNESS!!" closing the door immediately afterwards and retreating to her takeout containers. It was then that everyone noticed Real McCoy was dead.
At this point Claire and Fake McCoy burst in and Claire, seeing Real McCoy dead, dropped to her knees and screamed, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Seeing the ADA's distress made all the parties involved in McCoy's death feel very guilty and they formulated a plan to revive Real McCoy, now known as Dead McCoy.
*~*~* "Everybody ready?"
A yes more or less sounded from the ring of police men, psychiatrist and ADA--Fake McCoy was too busy crumpling to join in.
"Then go."
"THE ONLY BOY WHO COULD EVERY REACH ME WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN, THE ONLY BOY WHO COULD EVER TEACH ME WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN, YES HE WAS, HE WAS, LORD KNOWS HE WAS."
However everyone stopped singing when Fake McCoy turned on the TV that was on Green's desk for some reason and everyone noticed that "Friends" was on. At this point they all rushed over and stared at the TV. Dead McCoy waited patiently, but after the first commercial break had passed and the group had shown no signs of returning, he sat up and said, "did you in fact know that I am DEAD?" If anyone had any shred of doubt as to who was the real McCoy, they could discard it then. Unfortunately, the were all too busy watching "Friends" to care much. At the next commercial break, Lennie said to McCoy (who was still glaring indignantly at them) "Dude, Rachel's PREGNANT! And WHERE'S MY CAR?"
"Oh! Sorry!" Dead McCoy said, at which point he had a relapse and started being dead again.
Right after "Friends" ended, they all returned to McCoy and began singing again. Soon, handsome Ben realized very handsomely that what they were doing wasn't working, probably because McCoy's dad was a beat cop, not a preacher man. He signaled for everyone to stop and began doing the most beautiful rendition of the chicken dance that ever there was. Green, apparently moved, whipped out a tambourine and said "produce that interesting melody Caucasian male adolescent!" Everyone stared at him for a second until Handsome Ben said, very handsomely just as he was taking his shirt of to reveal his handsome and quite well-defined chest and abdominal muscles "I think you may be taking the political correctness thing too far." After a moment of consideration, Green began to beat his tambourine again and sing the properly improper lyrics while Handsome Ben did the chicken dance.
Soon the entire precinct was throbbing with the beat of "Play That Funky Music White Boy". As no one knew the rest of the lyrics, they continued to scream out this verse for about five minutes until McCoy woke up, at which point (yes, we know. We say this WAY too much) McCoy stopped being dead and the music and dancing stopped, a beautiful Mozart piece wafting up from the symphony hall downstairs. McCoy and Claire embraced in a perfect embrace and kissed in a perfect kiss as everyone cheered. At this point Schiff rushed into the precinct for some reason, immediately noticing Fake McCoy crumpling for all he was worth. There was complete silence while Schiff stared in horror at fake McCoy. Finally, he snatched up Lennie's Coffee mug, and , before anyone could do anything, bonked Fake McCoy on the head as hard as he could as he yelled "don't nobody go after my job, no SUH." Fake McCoy immediately keeled over, but nobody cared as he wasn't the real McCoy. At this point, Claire broke free of McCoy's embrace and yelled, "Mr. Schiff's been takin' lessons from Mr. T!" at this point, Schiff flopped down on Green's chair and yelled "who wants t rub ma FEET?!"
"Oooh! Me!" Green shrieked, eager to redeem himself in the eyes of the detectives. Then while nobody was looking, Claire and the real McCoy walked into the sunset that was there for some reason, and all was well in the 27th Precinct, at least for a while.
It all began one day in May (hey, it rhymes!) when Claire and Jack were sitting in the EADA's office pretending to work while they flirted with each other. Handsome Ben walked into Jack's office carrying a 2.3 ton thingy in one hand. "This," he said handsomely, "is a time machine. We got it when we raided a crack/whore/mafia/trekkie house. Thought you might want it." With that he set it down and walked handsomely out. McCoy, who had not yet had his coffee, began cross-examining it. He walked around it threateningly, furrowing his brow. Claire attempted to point out that as it was an inanimate object it most likely wouldn't give him the answers he desired, and since it hadn't been examined in the first place it was kind of stupid to try to cross examine it. McCoy simply looked at her menacingly for a second and, as she walked slowly over to the desk, said, "did you in fact order ORANGE CHICKEN from General Tsao's yesterday?"
"I did, I did," she sobbed, " I thought no one would know, I-I'm so, so very sorry, I didn't mean to hurt anyone, it was just, I had to have it!"
At this moment Adam Schiff (The DA of Manhattan for those who are really stupid, or have no attention span) walks into Jack's office just as the enraged EADA yells out, " I rest my case!" Adam stands there, stunned, until he gets up the energy to crumple his face (like he did when his wife died-he seems to do it a lot) and walk back to his office. Then McCoy presses some buttons and jiggles some knobs and presto chango, there are now two perfectly imperfect McCoys.
"Well," Claire said, somewhat confused, "that was unexpected."
"No kidding," McCoy no. 1 said, "Handsome Ben said that it was a time machine." At this point, Schiff (once again for no conceivable reason but at least a little less crumply) walked in and said to Claire in his best game show host voice, "well, Ms. Kincaid, it appears that you now have to decide which McCoy is real, and which one is fake."
"Do I get a toaster oven if I win?" Claire said, perking up slightly.
"No, because we have no idea who the real McCoy is! You're guess is as good as ours!" Schiff said. It was getting a bit annoying.
"You can stop that now." McCoy no. 2 said.
"Right."
"Wellll." Claire said thoughtfully "I'll take.McCoy no. 2!" Claire picked McCoy no. 2 because he had his jacket slung over his shoulder, and McCoy no. 1 was just kind of standing there looking really freaked out. Of course, McCoy no. 2 was the fake McCoy, because if she picked the right one this fic would be really short and sort of pointless. McCoy no. 2 shall therefore be henceforth referred to a Fake McCoy and McCoy no. 1 as Real McCoy.
"Well," Schiff said, "I'm sorry, McCoy no.1, but as we can only pay one McCoy, you'll have to leave, however, you will be happy to know that you no longer have to pay taxes." It was at this point that Real McCoy lost his grip completely, as the Law & Order writers only have enough time to write for one McCoy, so he fell into the custody of The Twins Of Hazzard (hee hee).
*~*~* THREE DAYS LATER. *~*~*
As Real McCoy had been kicked out of Claire by Fake McCoy, kicked out of his apartment by Fake McCoy, Kicked out of his office by Fake McCoy, kicked out of his leather Jacket by Fake McCoy, and kicked out of his motorcycle by fake McCoy (needless to say his ribs were quite sore), he was now running amok, hither and thither, here, there, and everywhere, and just plain frolicking through the 2-7 precinct. The diligent officers of new York were not happy about having the once famed EADA always in their faces, he had already lost them several perps, As he insisted doing the interrogations, an excellent reason to have the arrests thrown out, something the judges weren't happy about.
After they banished him for the interrogation room, he was forced to live under Briscoe and Green's ( I know, we have Handsome Ben too, but just go with it, not everything has to make sense) desks and live on coffee and stale donuts. During the day Real McCoy ran through the precinct throwing flowers at people and singing "If You're Going To San Francisco (Be Sure To Wear Some Flowers In Your Hair)". Lennie occasionally threatened to shoot him, but mostly just stayed at his desk pretending to read his files and yelling at Green for calling him Old Spice (major ick).
However, everyone managed to work around this-you can get used to anything after awhile, including an insane attorney running around singing sixties hits and chucking daisies at you. But everyone at the 2-7 knew it was time to take matters in their own hands one day about a month after McCoy had first arrived when, a day when Logan and Handsome Ben were visiting for some reason. All was going well until around lunch time when Real McCoy crept over to Lennie's desk and stole his coffee cup. No one really noticed it was missing, though, until he also stole Logan's skinny plaid tie, wrapped it around his head as one would a bandana, tore off his shirt, held Lennie's much-esteemed Police Academy coffee mug high, and ran around the precinct screaming "BORN TO BE WIIIIIIIIILD!!" over and over. It was then that Van Buren locked herself in her office and called Skoda for professional help.
*~*~*
Meanwhile at the DA's office:
Silence
Crumple
Silence
Crumple
Silence
"Jack, I'm serious, knock it off" said Claire, who had been putting up with this for the past month
"Claire, if I want Adam's job I have to practice!" Said Fake McCoy
"Jack, I don't think that trait is necessary for you to be the DA, and even if it is Adam isn't retiring any time soon."
"CLAIRE, DID YOU IN FACT."
Crumple
As McCoy had stopped in the middle of his cross examination to do something completely unnecessary, a realization suddenly dawned on Claire.
"OH MY GOD! YOU'RE NOT.YOU'RE NOT THE REAL McCOY"
With that she ran down to the precinct as fast as her legs could carry her, and Fake McCoy could do nothing but follow her, crumpling all the way.
*~*~*
Skoda came over as soon as he could, and as soon as he got to the precinct he was glad he hadn't waited. It was complete pandemonium. Lennie was standing on his desk screaming out war cries and clutching his mug while Green tried to coax him down, Van Buren had locked herself in her office and was living on the contents of old takeout containers she found under her desk, and Real McCoy, having given Logan his skinny plaid tie back and stopped shrieking, was now running around the precinct, stopping every so often to pose for a picture like fitness celebrity John Baisak by sticking his hand in his pants. Skoda immediately ran over to him, asked him to stop, and when Real McCoy did not oblige, was forced to run alongside him telling him what he thought of his condition. It went something like this: "Jack, I think you (huff) are suffering a (puff) breakdown (wheeze) due to the fact that (gasp) you no longer have (puff) any writers. And I think that to help you I could-" But Real McCoy never found out what Skoda could do because it was then the good, although somewhat out of shape psychiatrist passed out on Lennie's desk (which Lennie had recently vacated to get a donut).
Seized with sudden inspiration, Real McCoy seized a lamp, shone it on Skoda's bald head, and used the magnified light to set Lennie's much talked about but never read files on fire. Lennie, seeing the flames from across the room, charged over and swung his coffee cup at McCoy, hitting him squarely on the cranium. Logan and Handsome Ben flew into action, screaming at the top of their lungs, "LENNIE'S PAPERS! HOW COULD YOU?!?!?" With that, handsome Ben began pouring hair gel down McCoy's throat, Logan began strangling him with his skinny plaid tie, and Lennie continued to savagely maul McCoy with his coffee cup. After watching this in shock for about five minutes, Green worked up the courage to say "hey, Lennie, they're only files." "YOU WANT SOMMA THIS??!?" Lennie roared, brandishing his coffee cup at Green, who had not been Lennie's partner quite as long as Handsome Ben and Logan, and therefore did not understand the importance of The Files. "N-n- no." he whimpered, leaving Lennie to continue mauling McCoy. This went on for another ten minutes until Van Buren opened her door and shrieked, "STOP THE MADNESS!!" closing the door immediately afterwards and retreating to her takeout containers. It was then that everyone noticed Real McCoy was dead.
At this point Claire and Fake McCoy burst in and Claire, seeing Real McCoy dead, dropped to her knees and screamed, "Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Seeing the ADA's distress made all the parties involved in McCoy's death feel very guilty and they formulated a plan to revive Real McCoy, now known as Dead McCoy.
*~*~* "Everybody ready?"
A yes more or less sounded from the ring of police men, psychiatrist and ADA--Fake McCoy was too busy crumpling to join in.
"Then go."
"THE ONLY BOY WHO COULD EVERY REACH ME WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN, THE ONLY BOY WHO COULD EVER TEACH ME WAS THE SON OF A PREACHER MAN, YES HE WAS, HE WAS, LORD KNOWS HE WAS."
However everyone stopped singing when Fake McCoy turned on the TV that was on Green's desk for some reason and everyone noticed that "Friends" was on. At this point they all rushed over and stared at the TV. Dead McCoy waited patiently, but after the first commercial break had passed and the group had shown no signs of returning, he sat up and said, "did you in fact know that I am DEAD?" If anyone had any shred of doubt as to who was the real McCoy, they could discard it then. Unfortunately, the were all too busy watching "Friends" to care much. At the next commercial break, Lennie said to McCoy (who was still glaring indignantly at them) "Dude, Rachel's PREGNANT! And WHERE'S MY CAR?"
"Oh! Sorry!" Dead McCoy said, at which point he had a relapse and started being dead again.
Right after "Friends" ended, they all returned to McCoy and began singing again. Soon, handsome Ben realized very handsomely that what they were doing wasn't working, probably because McCoy's dad was a beat cop, not a preacher man. He signaled for everyone to stop and began doing the most beautiful rendition of the chicken dance that ever there was. Green, apparently moved, whipped out a tambourine and said "produce that interesting melody Caucasian male adolescent!" Everyone stared at him for a second until Handsome Ben said, very handsomely just as he was taking his shirt of to reveal his handsome and quite well-defined chest and abdominal muscles "I think you may be taking the political correctness thing too far." After a moment of consideration, Green began to beat his tambourine again and sing the properly improper lyrics while Handsome Ben did the chicken dance.
Soon the entire precinct was throbbing with the beat of "Play That Funky Music White Boy". As no one knew the rest of the lyrics, they continued to scream out this verse for about five minutes until McCoy woke up, at which point (yes, we know. We say this WAY too much) McCoy stopped being dead and the music and dancing stopped, a beautiful Mozart piece wafting up from the symphony hall downstairs. McCoy and Claire embraced in a perfect embrace and kissed in a perfect kiss as everyone cheered. At this point Schiff rushed into the precinct for some reason, immediately noticing Fake McCoy crumpling for all he was worth. There was complete silence while Schiff stared in horror at fake McCoy. Finally, he snatched up Lennie's Coffee mug, and , before anyone could do anything, bonked Fake McCoy on the head as hard as he could as he yelled "don't nobody go after my job, no SUH." Fake McCoy immediately keeled over, but nobody cared as he wasn't the real McCoy. At this point, Claire broke free of McCoy's embrace and yelled, "Mr. Schiff's been takin' lessons from Mr. T!" at this point, Schiff flopped down on Green's chair and yelled "who wants t rub ma FEET?!"
"Oooh! Me!" Green shrieked, eager to redeem himself in the eyes of the detectives. Then while nobody was looking, Claire and the real McCoy walked into the sunset that was there for some reason, and all was well in the 27th Precinct, at least for a while.