You Never Told Us You Were A Princess!
Disclaimer: I do not own Dragon Age.
Note: So the last time I played Dragon Age I realized that aside from a few lines, no one in your party seems to care about your past but they go on and on about theirs. Assuming this wasn't just game mechanics and they never got around to finding out why you're a Warden, it could certainly lead to some frustrated Wardens when they express their surprise when your origin story hits them in the face. Particularly considering you're usually given some bad news…
Aunn Aeducan glanced down at the bodies lying at her feet. "I feel better," she announced. She didn't feel great because she had just been told by the Orzammar guard that her father was dead and now there was apparently some succession dispute she'd inevitably have to sort out before she could get anything done. Not to mention that everyone would invariably pretend that they didn't know her or complain about the fratricide she had supposedly committed. Still, at least she had gotten a chance to take some of her frustrations out on Loghain's delusional little henchmen. What part of 'regent' said 'Loghain is king' anyway?
"Well, I don't," Leliana announced.
Aunn blinked. "You don't? Don't worry; I'm sure we'll run into more people looking to commit suicide by Grey Warden soon enough and, if not, you could always look into a non-violent way to deal with your emotions."
"Why find non-violent ways when there are so many suicidal people to oblige?" Zevran asked reasonably.
Aunn shrugged. "I don't know. Leliana's currently trying to pretend she doesn't enjoy killing people, though."
"I think what she was referring to is why you never mentioned you were a princess," Morrigan corrected. She and Leliana had never really hit it off for some reason. Perhaps it was because Leliana was obsessed with the Chantry that wanted Morrigan dead for not enslaving herself to the Circle of Magi?
"Oh. That would be because I'm not," Aunn explained. The Grey Wardens might have had a policy of abandoning their former lives but in Orzammar it was quite the opposite and no one would have joined if they had to leave the city behind. No, the reason that she insisted she was no longer a princess or even an Aeducan was because, well, the Assembly had decreed that she wasn't. If she was ever miraculously reinstated, she would eagerly reclaim her name, Grey Warden policy be damned.
Leliana crinkled her brow in confusion. "But that guard said-"
"I am willing to concede that I was once a princess," Aunn said magnanimously. "Though currently I no longer exist apart from being a Grey Warden and have never existed as myself."
"That makes no sense," Sten said bluntly.
Aunn held up her hands defensively. "Hey, I didn't come up with the rules."
"But we're your friends!" Leliana burst out, sounding hurt. "Why wouldn't you tell us?"
Aunn simply stared at her for a moment before she burst out laughing. "You're kidding, right?" she asked when she'd managed to calm down enough to speak.
"You are our leader and we trust you," Wynne said solemnly. "Finding out that you've been keeping secrets is…disquieting."
"I'm sure she has her reasons," Alistair, predictably, was quick to defend the keeping of huge 'did I mention I'm actually royalty' type secrets.
"Why didn't you know I was a princess?" Aunn asked slowly, tapping her chin. "Maybe because you're all ridiculously self-absorbed?"
"I am not ridiculously self-absorbed," Morrigan claimed, not even bothering to pretend that she wasn't self-absorbed at all.
"I agree with Morrigan," Zevran concurred.
"Well I don't because I refuse to agree with Morrigan on anything," Alistair began. "But I, too, feel that I'm not self-absorbed."
Aunn couldn't believe that they lacked this much self-awareness. Sure she had a tendency to be self-absorbed as well (and would most likely end up turning this upcoming succession dispute into a family drama) but she felt that her awareness of the fact slightly mitigated its annoyance factor. "Okay, let's try this then. Raise your hand if you were previously aware that I am a dwarf?"
No one moved.
"What is the point of this?" Sten demanded.
"Just do it," Aunn ordered, "or I'll be forced to conclude that this stunning new development has taken you all by surprise."
Everyone quickly raised their hand because none of them were quite self-absorbed enough to fail to be able to distinguish between species.
"Good," Aunn said brightly, clapping her hands together. "Now who here was aware that I was from Orzammar and wasn't born on the surface?"
Wynne and Alistair raised their hands while everyone else avoided meeting her eyes.
"I rest my case," she said smugly. "If you didn't even know that I was from Orzammar, how could you possibly be aware that I was a princess here once."
"That's not fair!" Leliana objected. "You never open up so how could we possibly know?"
"I know more than I'd care to about you all," Aunn retorted.
"That's because we trust you enough to tell you these things," Leliana said virtuously.
"No, it's because I bothered to ask you about yourselves and none of you cared enough to," Aunn disagreed a little bitterly, shaking her head.
"I did," Wynne countered.
"Well, except for Wynne," Aunn conceded. "She mostly wanted to convince me to forget my past so I could live out her fantasy of the super Warden but at least she thought to ask."
"I asked about how you dealt with your dead," Alistair spoke up.
Aunn rolled her eyes. "Oh, yes, you know that dwarves respectfully bury their honored dead instead of lighting them on fire. Don't you feel we've truly connected now?"
"We didn't want to be rude by prying," Leliana claimed.
Morrigan snorted. "Speak for yourself. And I asked a question about your mother."
"You asked what she was like when I explained that she was dead you didn't care anymore," Aunn reminded her friend. "That might actually be less informative than Alistair's question."
"I was too busy trying to seduce you to attempt a background check," Zevran declared.
Aunn raised an eyebrow. "Well, at least you're honest…"
"Pestering you with pointless questions will not stop the Blight and it will only encourage your own inane inquiries," Sten replied matter-of-factly.
"Is it rude when I ask you questions?" Aunn asked them.
Leliana looked a tad sheepish. "Well, no, but-"
"Then why would it be rude for you to take an interest in my life? In fact, I think it's rude that you never do," Aunn told them.
"I don't know," Leliana confessed. "How were we to broach the subject?"
Aunn gave a theatrical sigh. "How about 'so tell me, Aunn, are you from Orzammar or were you born on the surface?' or 'so how did you become a Grey Warden?' or even 'why did you refuse to leave the Pearl for a week after running into that one merchant in Denerim?'"
"I'd assumed he was an ex-boyfriend," Zevran answered, choosing to address the last question.
"More or less," Aunn confirmed. "Except he got married before breaking up with me."
"I am so sorry," Alistair said in his best comforting-people voice. It was actually rather attractive, but his fellow Warden was so not in the mood just then.
"Thank you," she replied sarcastically. "I really appreciate that…four months after the fact."
"There is no need for sarcasm, Aunn," Wynne said reprovingly.
Aunn laughed harshly. "No, there is every need for sarcasm. You know nothing about me and I know plenty about all of you. For instance, I know that you were brought to the Circle as a child after setting some kid's hair on fire, sulked enough that the Revered Mother befriended you, and hated male elves even decades ago when you almost got your first apprentice killed, but apparently haven't learned as much as you think as you want him to abandon his peaceful existence with the Dalish in order to go back to the Circle because it needs him even though Irving outright told you that you were needed, too, but you couldn't be bothered. Although given that if the Templars found out about your little spirit friend they'd declare you an abomination and have you killed in two minutes flat, I can't blame you."
"I don't hate male elves!" Wynne insisted, looking shocked at the very idea.
"Then why did you disapprove of me sleeping with Cammen but approved of Zevran getting it on with Gheyna?" Aunn challenged. "It was harder to convince her to pretend that it never happen and go through with the bonding than it was for Cammen."
"You're a Grey Warden so I hold you to a higher standard of behavior," Wynne sniffed.
"Shocking," Aunn remarked dryly. "And then there's Sten."
"What about me?" Sten asked dutifully.
"You came to Ferelden to check out the Blight and to spy on the kingdom for a future invasion if the qunari ever get bored of harassing the Tevinter Imperium. Your friends died and you dropped your sword so you killed eight people – including children – who saved you and severely traumatized the one boy who survived because it never occurred to you to go looking for the sword yourself," Aunn listed off.
"Finding a single blade in a war-torn county-" Sten began.
"Was not nearly as difficult as you seem to think," Aunn cut him off. "We just went to the site of the battle, talked to a scavenger, travelled to…well, here, talked to a merchant, and then headed off to Redcliffe to buy back the sword."
"It was highly unlikely that it would have been found so easily," Sten maintained.
"If it was so important to you, you should have looked anyway," Aunn said flatly. "And how did you end up in Lothering anyway if the battle was near Lake Calenhad?"
"I do not know," Sten said shortly.
"May I ask why we left immediately upon finding out that the sword wasn't here as opposed to actually going to Orzammar?" Morrigan inquired. "It would have saved a lot of time travelling."
"I wasn't ready," Aunn claimed.
"If you had been 'ready' then you would have gotten a chance to see your father again before he died," Morrigan pointed out.
Aunn narrowed her eyes. Morrigan had a point but how was she supposed to have known when she'd left to go find Dwyn that she was walking away from her last chance to say goodbye to her father? "Hindsight is always twenty-twenty," she said, crossing her arms defiantly. "But enough about me since you clearly don't care for the subject. Instead, let's talk about you, Morrigan. Your mother is a centuries-old abomination who you claimed was trying to steal your body before you made me temporarily kill her, even though just telling me she'd turn into a dragon – which would have been nice to know about beforehand, by the by – would have been enough."
"Hindsight is always twenty-twenty," Morrigan mimicked.
"Not to mention that your mother probably either kidnapped you as a child or your father was a Templar that she later killed," Aunn went on, valiantly ignoring the interruption. "You're strangely preoccupied with your looks given that you refuse to change out of those rags, you have a mirror fetish, and you just aren't happy unless we're going around throwing flaming newborn kittens at orphans for money."
"Well, if you were going to go around throwing flaming newborn kittens at orphans, you might as well get paid for it," Morrigan declared.
"I agree," Zevran spoke up. "In fact, if we were paid at all for this, that would be great."
"We make a fortune looting corpses; isn't that enough?" Aunn asked rhetorically. "And you were raised by the Antivan Crows since you were seven, your mother died before you can remember, and she was Dalish. You appear to be one of those people who were seeking suicide by Grey Warden as you volunteered to try to kill me and you make absolutely no effort to hide your bisexuality."
They waited for her to go on but apparently she was finished on the subject of Zevran.
"Wait, that's it?" Alistair asked incredulously. "That's all you've got to say about him?"
"Anything else would just be too personal to get into just because I'm mad at you all," Aunn explained.
"I appreciate your discretion, Aunn," Zevran said warmly.
"What about Wynne, Sten, or Morrigan's privacy?" Alistair demanded.
"What about it?" Aunn asked innocently. "But since you volunteered…you put me in charge after I had been a Warden for all of a week and spent most of that time unconscious. You keep 'accidentally' withholding vital information from me, whether it be relevant facts about the Grey Wardens or that you're secretly the heir to the throne."
"But my mother-" Alistair started to protest.
"Yeah, that's really not as big an obstacle as you seem to think it is," Aunn told him frankly. "Since there really is no one else except Loghain's daughter, who your mother was – provided she was human – doesn't make you becoming king impossible. And then there's the time that I told you that your sister was a selfish bitch and that everyone was out for themselves and you somehow got 'I need to stand up for myself more!' out of that conversation so it's clear you never actually listen. You could very well be more idealistic about the Wardens than Wynne, you're almost pathologically afraid of leading, you were nearly a Templar, and your default mode is denial. You are pretty funny, though, so that's something."
"That's really harsh…" Alistair told her, looking stricken.
Aunn shrugged. "If you people ever learn anything about me, feel free to return the favor. Chances are, Trian's said it all before."
The looks on several of her companions' faces indicated that they dearly wanted to know who Trian was but they weren't going to risk asking at this point in time.
"Why are you being so mean?" Leliana asked, sounding hurt.
Aunn drew back in surprise. Seriously? She'd just explained to them how pathetic it was that she knew so much about them and they knew nothing about her and they didn't get why she was upset? Not to mention what had set her off in the first place."Because I just found out that my father died and I'm kind of pissed. Besides, it's all true. You, Leliana, won't shut up about the Maker despite the fact that on a good day I honestly couldn't care less about your made-up religion."
"And on a bad day?" Leliana asked uncertainly.
"You don't want to know," Aunn told her bluntly. "You keep insisting that you had a vision which just makes you come off as crazy. If you're so desperate to be interesting, stop talking about the Chantry and their Maker because all of that is really, really boring. And maybe sometimes I'd like to talk to you without you insisting on making it story-time. I get that you were a bad and if you stopped pretending that the past never happened and admitted to that, you'd be infinitely more interesting. You're also far too easily influenced and don't quite grasp how racist you are, which really infuriates the hell out of Zevran and I."
Leliana looked helpless. "But the Maker-"
"By the stone, if a sentence contains the words 'Maker', 'Andraste', or 'Chantry' then I don't care, okay?" Aunn cried out, storming off. She wondered briefly just how long her companions were going to stay angry at her for that but she couldn't bring herself to care at that particular moment.
Zevran came to stand next to her. "You seem upset."
"I was," Aunn conceded, "but I'm feeling a lot better now for some reason."
"I guess you did find a non-violent way to deal with your emotions after all," Zevran noted.
"I'm not looking forward to dealing with the succession question," Aunn admitted. "Although if Father's dead, I have to wonder…who's opposing Bhelen?"
Zevran didn't know who Bhelen was anymore than he knew who Trian was but this time he elected to ask. "Who's Bhelen?"
"My little brother," Aunn answered. "He had our older brother Trian killed and pinned it on me so that I was exiled because he really wanted the throne. Trian and I had…problems, shall we say, and so apparently fratricide was believable. My father thought that I was innocent, but he was willing to cast me out to be eaten by darkspawn to avoid a scandal. Any questions?"
"Not at the moment, no," Zevran told her. He glanced back at the others, who had moved past the 'shock' stage and appeared to be fuming. "How long do you think the others will be mad because of what you said?"
"No idea," Aunn replied easily. "If they stay made long enough, I might even care. Now come on, I feel like causing a scandal and, as things currently stand, my mere presence should be enough…"
Note: I wonder how many approval points that little rant cost her?
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