Flowers to my Foes

Author's Note: Valentine's Day related crack/drabble. Probably OOC. As always, this is for ABC. Happy Valentine's Day!

Ada sat at her desk, surrounded by a pile of stationary that threatened to collapse underneath the weight of it's own card stock. She sighed, thinking of all the work she had to do and how little time she had to do it. It was already February 12, and she hadn't even started on her Valentine's Day cards.

It had started as a joke really, a classy way to mock those she had wronged over the years. But, it had grown into something that was expected of her... and Ada Wong was not a woman who failed to meet expectations, no matter how ridiculous they were.

She grabbed the first card off the stack. They were plain white and embossed with glittery hearts; she considered them to be a masterstroke of irony. Ada selected a red ballpoint pen and began to write.

Dear Luis,

I'm terribly sorry that our business adventure ended on bad terms... specifically the terms of your death. You served me incredibly well, at least when you weren't trying to conspire with your little boyfriend, Leon. Perhaps you two can have a cozy reunion this year? But, I digress. Has anyone ever told you that your voice sounds kind of like the "Dos Equis" guy? I was just wondering.

Enjoy your Valentine's Day.

xoxo, Ada

Dear Excella,

I know we've never met before, but Albert tells me that sometimes he accidentally calls you "Ada" in bed. Consider yourself sexually threatened. I hope you two have a lovely Valentine's Day! I heard he got you a Tiffany's diamond necklace. At least that's what he told me.

xoxo, Ada

PS: I taught him that thing you like.

Dear Jack,

How do you like it in hell? I hope they make shirts that fit that big thing of yours down there. I'm talking about your arm, you sick pervert. You know, I hope that in hell there are shirts which accommodate your arm. You never could take a joke, could you? Goodness, how touchy. You don't need to worry about being considered inferior to me anymore, you're dead, remember? Now we can know for sure that Wesker has known me longer. Anyway, with the holiday upon us, I think it's time we set aside our differences and make peace with each other. It's not like there's anything you can do about it if you disagree.

xoxo, Ada

Dear Ashley,

I'm glad that Leon returned you home nice and safe. It sure would have been a shame if you just died out there. You know, maybe if someone didn't give you a way to get off the island. Just a thought. But, that's not important. I heard Leon turned you down. That's a shame. It's okay honey, there's plenty of fish in the sea. He's not really into blondes anyway, you know? Happy Valentine's Day!

xoxo, Ada

Dear Albert,

Happy Valentine's day darling. I hope you and that little Italian tart are having a nice holiday. Did she make you buy her a gaudy diamond necklace? Don't worry, I'm sure you can sell it back after her inevitable death. Anyway, seeing as you forgot to pay me for our last mission, I took the liberty of taking that Mercedes Benz off your hands. You know, the one you kept in storage up in Milan. I figured it would just save you some of your valuable time.

Once you ditch that Italian broad, give me a call.

xoxo , Ada

Dear Leon...

Ada stopped writing abruptly... a card just wasn't right. She had a better idea in mind. She picked up her cell phone and dialed.

"Hello, who is this?"

"Leon, are you free tonight?"

"Ada..."

"The one and only sweetheart. I've got a room at the Hilton tonight. Why don't you stop on by? It is almost Valentine's Day after all."

"Uh, if you're sure..."

"Absolutely." She hung up her cell phone and licked her lips, anticipating what she would be doing in a few hours...well, who she would be doing. Ada stepped up from the desk and stretched. She'd address the cards later tonight.

Then she realized, there was one she had forgotten.

"What a silly oversight," she laughed to herself. Ada sat back down at her desk.

Dear Claire,

I got your man, girl. Happy Valentine's Day!

xoxo, Ada