Hedda Rarity
Hedda Gabler – Rarity
Jorgen Tesman – Spike
Julle Tesman – Applejack
Ejlert Lovborg – Fluttershy
Mrs Elvsted – Princess Luna
Berte – Twilight Sparkle
Judge Brack – Pinkie Pie
(Also referencing: Rainbow Dash as Mademoiselle Diana, Big Mac as Mr Elvsted, Apple Bloom as Aunt Rina & Princess Celestia as herself.)
[The scene is Rarity's Carousel Boutique. The ponyquins draped in stylish designer clothes are dusty, the special hoof decorations lying pristine in their glass cabinets. There is a faint purple glow around several objects as Twilight Sparkle moves a duster and rag around the room, also reading a heavy book at the same time. There is a knock at the door and the same faint purple glow appears around the door handle, opening it to reveal Applejack.]
Twilight Sparkle: Oh! Applejack! How are you? Spike and Rarity are still asleep – they only got back from Canterlot very late last night. Plus Spike still has trouble with his sleeping patterns. How's Apple Bloom going?
Applejack: Oh hey Twi, wasn' 'specting ta see you round here so early! I'm doing fine – Apple Bloom not so much.
Twilight: [Sympathetically] Still ill? The Doctor still hasn't figured out what's causing it yet?
Applejack: Naw. Still nothing.
[A door bangs from upstairs and Spike comes down, yawning]
Spike: 'Morning Twi. Oh hey! Applejack! How's Apple Bloom? I heard she was ill. Nice hat, too.
AJ: The Doc's still fig'rin out stuff. Thanks, the hat's new – Rarity's been bugging me to get a new one for forever.
Spike: Aw man, send my wishes to her will ya? Rarity's still asleep – she was tossing and turning all night.
[Rarity appears just behind Spike, looking very annoyed.]
Rarity: Actually I'm wide awake, dear.
Twilight: Oh good morning Rarity! I'll just go fetch that breakfast I prepped earlier.
[Twilight Sparkle exits stage left through a door that presumably leads to the kitchen.]
Rarity: Oh Applejack, when are you going to replace that ratty old hat?
AJ: [Clearly upset and disappointed, though Rarity doesn't appear to notice.] Oh I'll get around to it someday. I jus' wanted to come by and give my congratulations to the two o' ye lovebirds… [grins maniacally] so… I'll… er… be goin' now.
[Applejack practically canters off stage and out the door she came in through. Twilight Sparkle re-enters just as she leaves, carrying a tray with a bowl of daisies and some rough gemstones on it using her magic.]
Twilight: Oh, that was a fast visit. Here you go! [Smiles at them before backing away and out the door.] Have a nice morning! I just wanted to make sure you got in ok!
[Exit Twilight Sparkle. Spike attacks the bowl of gemstones with relish, but Rarity only picks at her bowl of daisies.]
Spike: [Gulping] Mmf, are you ok Rarity? You've been a bit off – I mean, I noticed while we were still in Canterlot-
Rarity: [Ignoring him and using her magic to sort through some daisies that are slightly wilted before pushing her bowl away] Why on earth does Twilight hover over you like this? Why do you let her?
Spike: Er… well, she kind of hatched my egg, and she means well, and she's our friend…?
Rarity: Yes, but doesn't she understand that you have your own life?
[There is a knock at the door. Spike quickly gets up and runs over to it, thankful for the interruption. Rarity looks annoyed and quickly dumps her daisies out the open window. Spike returns, accompanied by Princess Luna.]
Spike: Rarity, we have a visitor!
Rarity: Oh my! Princess Luna! It is simply fabulous to see you! How are you? I heard that you and Big Mac had set up down in Fillydelphia…?
Princess Luna: Um, hello. Yes, we did, but Celestia… incinerated him 'by accident'. Fluttershy [Rarity sits to attention at this] came down with me to break the news to Applejack.
Spike: [Shocked] And with Apple Bloom sick too!
Rarity: [Muttering under her breath] And I bet my boutique that its just colic; she and Sweetie Belle were out last night after all… [Audibly] Such a shame! And you say Fluttershy came down with you?
Princess Luna: Oh, um, yes. She stopped in town to talk to Rainbow Dash, but I thought she might come to see you a little later.
Rarity: [eyes narrowing] Oh 'Dashie's back in town I see. I thought that she and Fluttershy parted on… bad terms.
Spike: [Unnoticed] Urh… I think I better go… sort the books… [Exits through door he came in through]
Luna: [taken aback] Oh, um, yes? I'm really not sure.
Rarity: [Fiercely] They're surely not making peace are they? Rainbow Dash was quite... vehement.
Luna: Um. I'm really no sure. [Starts to back away a little] You'll have to ask her, she mentioned something about stopping up later, I think shewanted to see you and Spike to catch up... um, bye! [Luna exits hurriedly]
Rarity: Oh, so the whole debacle is just forgotten is it now... nobody remembers poor Rarity now do they... why are you back Fluttershy...
[Pinkie Pie enters, by appearing from behind Rarity and just stepping out]
Pinkie Pie: Good morning Rarity! How were your travels? [Pushes her face right up close to Rarity's] So have you heard that Fluttersy's back in town? You and her were pretty close huh? [Leers]
Rarity: [startled] Uh-
Pinkie: HAH! Who am I kidding? Of course you were! Spa meeting every week! Exchanging sewing techniques! Absolute trust – and if I'm wrong I'll make you a million quadrillion billion sandwiches! Two peas in a pod... or closer maybe?
Rarity: I'm sure I don't know what you mean.
Pinkie: Oh really? I'll be sure to ask her at my welcome back party tonight! Are you coming?
Rarity: Oh, um, sorry, but I've got a lot of stock take to do, you know... backlog from while I was away, and I have to make sure that Sweetie Belle hasn't gone through my things again, and –
Pinkie: Oh, okay. I'll pass on your regrets to everyone else then! Have fun, and remind Spike that Twilight still needs help from her bestest assistant occasionally!
[Pinkie Pie bounces out the door enthusiastically]
Rarity: Uh… [Shakes herself and begins to straighten up the boutique, rearranging things. There is a timid knock at the door, insofar as a knock can be timid.] Oh! Come in!
[The door opens, revealing Fluttershy]
Fluttershy: Um, hi, Rarity. [Smiles] I just wanted to drop by and say hi?
Rarity: [Looks stunned for a moment and drops a vase] Fluttershy! Hello! Its been so long!
Fluttershy: Um, yes. [Looks around nervously] Spike and Pinkie are right –
[Spike and Pinkie Pie enter from right behind, but walk across the room and go upstairs] behind me. Um, we're all going to go over to Pinkie's later – she says she's having a welcome back party, only we aren't staying –
Rarity: [drops another vase] You're not staying?
Fluttershy: No; Luna and I are going back to Fillydelphia – she needs a roommate and she helped me write a letter to Celestia asking her not to incinerate me. Spike said he'd send it off later.
Rarity: I, oh, um, oh.
[She is saved from further conversation by the reappearance of Spike and Pinkie Pie from upstairs, who scoop Fluttershy up and out of the room.]
Fluttershy: Um, I'll just leave it here! [She throws a letter to Rarity and the door slams on her.]
Rarity: Oh. Well. [she uses her horn to float the small scroll and it bobs in front of her uncertainly] Um. [She unscrolls the letter and reads it, becoming more and more enraged by the second] Oh, replace me will you? Just roll right over me will you? We'll see about that! [the scroll bursts into flames and a small heap of ashes onto the floor. Rarity looks smug and turns away primly. The door however bursts open, revealing Fluttershy, who is talking back over her shoulder.]
Fluttershy: - Just a minute! I haven't said goodbye to Rar… [she trails off as she spots the small pile of ashes.] I… my… my letter! You burnt my letter? YOU BURNT MY LETTER? Rarity! I trusted you! I need that letter so that I can keep Luna company in Fillydelphia and Celestia won't incinerate me! [she looks to be on the verge of tears] How could one of my best friends do that to me? I DON'T THINK I CAN TRUST YOU ANYMORE WHEN YOU DO THINGS LIKE THIS! [she bursts into tears, but trails off into sniffles, staring, woebegone, at Rarity.] So, um, yes. Burning my letter to Celestia was not very nice, and I'm afraid I don't think we can sustain this friendship. [In a small voice] I'm sorry, Rarity.
[She exits. Pinkie Pie appears out of a small pot plant]
Pinkie: I told you so! No you owe me a million quadrillion billion sandwiches! [Giggles and exits through the door, bouncing]
Rarity: [Bursts into tears, gallops over to dressmaking cabinet] It's all ruined! [Her horn glows, drawers open and a pair of scissors floats in front of her chest] I just want this madness to end! [Sobs. The scissors descend, but the door bursts open, revealing Twilight Sparkle.]
Twilight: [Activates her own horn, flinging the scissors across the room] NO! RARITY! It's not worth it! We all love you! And we've all forgotten the most important thing – our friendship and trust within each other! Jus, wait here – and, er, leave the scissors alone – I'm going to get Rainbow Dash! Its not right that we leave her out of this! [Twilight Sparkle teleports away in a flash of purple light. Rarity looks startled and a little puzzled.]
Rarity: Uh…
[The other ponies (and dragon) featuring in the production walk on stage, looking similarly confused.]
Pinkie: I thought we weren't telling Rainbow Dash because she said that plays were stupid and we didn't want her to know we cast her as the prostitute?
Spike: Wait, wait, wait – her character was a prostitute? [He is ignored]
Fluttershy: Um, have we stopped acting?
Luna: Uh, is this a… regular occurrence?
[There is an outraged shriek heard from what seems to be across Ponyville and there is a resounding crash as the set breaks to pieces, and enraged looking Rainbow Dash in the middle of the ruins with a dazed looking Twilight Sparkle.]
Fluttershy: [Wails] But nice ponies don't do this sort of thing!
[Curtain falls.]
Dear Princess Celestia,
Today I learned several things, including why the Cloudsdale Colts are all scared of Rainbow Dash…
Dear Princess Celestia,
All characters in this fanwork belong to Hasbro and it is based on the play "Hedda Gabler" by Henrik Ibsen who owns that, and I make no money and claim no ownnership of either of these things. I apologise on behalf of my brain, and my school who asked us to parody something we studied this year.
My most sincere apologies,
Mogseltof
PS: Is it ok if I continue with other plays? I can't help but feel that Rainbow Dash would make a BAMF Hamlet's father...