By now the blood had stopped flowing from her nose so there was no need to press the piece of cloth to her face anymore. A piece of cloth that he had ripped (as she'd called it) "heroically and romance-novel-ly" from his own shirt. How she'd gotten the idea to claim this was beyond him but he was happy to blame either Tali or Kasumi's bad influence when it came to things like that.

Arms crossed over his only partly covered chest, Kaidan glared at Shepard sitting across from him. For someone in their current position, who was also still partly covered in blood, she was looking remarkably cheerful. Maybe it was the blood loss. Or just Shepard's special brand of insanity.

She was still wearing the black form fitting dress that had taken his breath away earlier this evening, long before their quiet night out had ended in disaster. Its low cut exposed every inch of her graceful neck and enough of her chest to make it abundantly clear that she was not wearing a bra. And that she'd neglected covering up the bruise his teeth had left the night before. The blatant and unfamiliar display of his own possessiveness still made his face burn. Shepard's dress ended just above her knees which should have been almost chaste but was anything but on a body like Shepard's. Maybe he was biased in that regard, especially since it was such a rare sight to see her in anything that did not either have an Alliance, Spectre or N7 brand in some corner, much less something that showed skin. Shepard was an all or nothing woman. She either was fully dressed or not at all. Anything in between was nothing short of a miracle.

The most interesting thing about the dress (which Kaidan was tempted to refer to in capital letters) was the fact that it had zippers on each side of her thighs, reaching her hips. Kaidan kept pondering if Shepard just wanted to make sure she was able to run if the need should arise or if she had another motive altogether when picking her outfit. If that was the case, it was working. Even (or maybe especially) with her smudged makeup and disheveled hair she looked so beautiful that he had a hard time remembering that he was seriously pissed at her.

Noticing Kaidan's glare Shepard looked away from the snoring krogan in a cell across the hallway and raised her eyebrows.

"You aren't still mad at me, are you?"

"Depends. Are we still in prison because you decided to headbutt a turian during our anniversary dinner?"

"He was hitting on you."

"And I was ignoring him!"

"And that didn't stop him, obviously!"

The snore from across the hall grew louder with their raising voices. Kaidan tried to calm down by slowly counting down from ten.

"Shepard, as much as I appreciate that you tried to save my virtue, I'm able to do so myself -" Shepard snorted. "And even if you are so hellbent on doing it, maybe next time don't headbutt someone from C-Sec while we are trying to lay low and have a calm evening out like normal people do."

Shepard rolled her eyes. "Like that's ever going to happen."

"Not if you keep searching for trouble."

"Oh now it's my fault?"

"You headbutted a C-Sec officer!"

"Because he was grabbing your ass!"

The krogan snored.

"What the hell is the matter with you tonight, Kaidan? This isn't about my fight with that officer. You've been on edge the whole evening."

Kaidan took a deep breath and shook his head, suddenly tired. "You know what, Shepard? Just just forget it."

Shuddering, because C-Sec seemed to think cold cells would probably help its inhabitants to sober up faster, he buried his hands in his jacket while trying to ignore the small box his fingers brushed. This was decidedly not how he'd imagined this evening to end.

Kaidan closed his eyes and tried to relax. There wasn't much he could do now anyway. Hacking the lock would probably bring more trouble than it was worth, he was in no mood to keep fighting with Shepard, and until someone picked them up, they were stuck in their small cell across from a krogan reeking of ryncol so badly Kaidan wondered if someone had tried to drown him in it. Probably because of the snoring.

He heard slight rustling but decided to ignore it. By now he really didn't want to know what Shepard was up to next. At least that way he could claim innocence when a pissed Bailey showed up to lecture them about abusing their privileges as Spectres and their failed function as role models. The sound of a zipper opening interrupted his resolution almost immediately. Confused Kaidan opened his eyes just enough to see pale flesh that had been covered moments before as well as an incredibly thin string he was pretty sure ended in something that did not count as underwear anywhere in the known galaxy. His mouth went dry.

Shepard had crossed her legs, in the progress not only showing off the thin string of something but also pushing her breasts together in the most delicious fashion by leaning forward, almost as if presenting herself to him. Chin resting on the palm of her hand, her eyes were fixed on his. He might've bought the look of innocence on her face if he hadn't known the woman across from him for years. The mischievous glimmer in her eyes was hard to miss if you knew what to look for. And he knew exactly what to look for.

"What do you think you're doing?" Kaidan hissed, eyes darting to the abandoned hallway.

"What do you mean?" Shepard asked, eyes a bit too wide in their fake innocence. Her fingers wandered along the recently unzipped part of her dress, just shy of brushing her own skin. They stopped mere millimeters before the string Kaidan tried very hard not to obsess over before wandering down again.

"Shepard ..." Kaidan warned.

"Hm?"

"No."

"No what?" Back to the string. This time her fingers lingered. Kaidan's hands clenched into fists inside of his pockets.

"No. Not here."

"I don't know what you mean."

Kaidan huffed. He decided the only course of action to keep his sanity was to shut his eyes again and try to ignore Shepard, praying she'd let him. It worked for a total of ten seconds. Then something soft hit him in the face.

"For crying out loud, Shep-" The words died in his mouth when he looked at what Shepard had flung at him, realizing it was decidedly not the fabric she d used to still the bleeding of her nose earlier. Instead of a ripped off part of his shirt he was looking at a flimsy piece of clothing consisting mostly of strings. For a few long seconds he had trouble wrapping his head around how someone would wear it until the construction suddenly made sense. All of a sudden the room seemed much, much warmer than before. Hastily Kaidan stuffed Shepard's he didn't even want to call it underwear into his pocket, eyes flickering from the thankfully still empty hallway back to the woman in question. It didn't help him in getting his voice back. At all.

Shepard's wandering hand was now fully brushing over her naked skin, fingers dancing from her knee up to her hip. The movement reminded him of the way his own hands liked to travel over her side when they lay wrapped around each other in their bed, sweaty and saturated after doing what Shepard was trying to initiate this very moment.

Thanks to a slight shift, her dress had slipped and was now showing even more leg than before. Her mouth was slightly agape, a finger resting between her lips. He was sure he wasn't imagining the light suckle, pink tongue swirling around the tip. Kaidan felt his pants growing tighter, his fingernails digging into the palms of his hands as Shepard closed her lips around the finger only to free it with a light 'pop' a few hard breaths on his part later.

The same finger began traveling lower, down her long neck, over her graceful collarbone to the valley of her breasts that was still so very much on display. Instead of pausing, Shepard opened her hand to have all her fingers continue over her mounds, not-so-gently cupping one on her way. Despite the still snoring krogan Kaidan could hear the hitch in his lover's breathing.

Much to his disappointment, Shepard didn't pay more attention to her breasts. Patience had never been one of her virtues. She was a woman on a mission. Rather than lingering, she moved to her other thigh to open the second zipper. Everything in Kaidan froze. He knew he should protest. There were good reasons he should. He just couldn't remember a single one of them.

A wicked grin played over Shepard's lips when she saw that Kaidan finally started to realize what was about to happen. Placing her hands on her knees, she slowly pushed them apart. A groan escaped him before he could suppress it. The falling piece of skirt acting as a curtain was the only thing that stopped Shepard from flashing him and he didn't know if he should be glad or disappointed. Thinking was becoming increasingly harder as his grip on his self-control became increasingly loser.

Eyes never leaving his, Shepard's hands rested for a few endless seconds on her knees before starting to wander inwards where her thighs met. The skirt moved again, giving a glimpse that was nowhere near enough. Kaidan wasn't aware he'd cursed the low light of the prison cell aloud until he saw Shepard's grin. It didn't stay long, though, because whatever she did to herself behind that god forsaken curtain, made her gasp, followed by a long moan that Kaidan couldn't help but echo. Her breasts were pressed together even tighter, dangerously close to spilling over her dress while she worked herself into a frenzy with an almost disturbing efficiency. Both of her hands were moving, his mind helpfully supplying him with pictures of Shepard circling her clit while simultaneously pumping fingers inside of herself like she'd done in the past when they'd played that game. It took everything he had not to cross the room, hoist Shepard up and fuck her against the wall until she screamed his name. The idea looked more and more tempting with every sigh, every whimper, every wet noise, every roll of her hips. Not seeing what she was doing was driving him insane and she knew it. She always knew.

"Touch yourself."

It took a very long moment for her breathy words to register. His cock twitched.

"What?"

"You heard me, Kaidan. Touch yourself. If you won't let me touch you, at least give me something to look at while I fuck myself."

"That's not what I-"

"Please." Her plea was hardly louder than a whisper. Kaidan swallowed his groan, pulling his hands from the pockets of his jacket. Just like Shepard he had them wandering down slowly, very aware that she'd paused her own ministrations, eyes following his every move. His right found his bulge. Cupping himself he squeezed. His cock was straining against the tightness of his pants almost painfully. Kaidan let go again, only to scratch over the tense material with his fingernails, creating the same delicious and way-too-light friction Shepard loved to torture him with whenever she should keep her hands to herself. It didn't take him long to realize this wouldn't do. Thanks to Shepard's show he was too close already and he still owned her some payback.

Only half believing what he was doing, he opened his pants and pulled out his cock. The cold air hitting his heated skin was almost enough to sober him up if it hadn't been for Shepard's pleased hum and a slick sound that made it clear she'd started taking care of herself again. A shiver ran down Kaidan's back as he wrapped a hand around his length, slowly, so very slowly dragging his fist up. His eyes were fixed on Shepard's face, her mouth slightly open, lips wet and plump and inviting. Heat coiled tight in his belly, memories of her mouth wrapped around his cock mixing with the longing the small distance between them created. It would take him only a few paces and he could bury himself into her. Take her, punish her, fuck her, love her. And yet he kept rooted to his bench.

Kaidan's hand clenched around him, the strokes growing harder, faster and more demanding. He felt dizzy, like he was not getting enough air. Looking at Shepard withdrawing two of her fingers from what lay hidden behind the skirt just to put them into her mouth and suck on them, he wasn't sure he needed it. He just needed her. Now.

Maybe it was because she knew him as well as he knew her, maybe it was her own need, but before he could even think about getting up, she was on him. Fingers digging into his hair, pulling him closer, she crashed her mouth against his almost painfully. The faint taste of her own wetness was lingering on her tongue and lips, making him growl into her mouth. He ran his tongue over every inch to taste as much of her as possible. For a foggy second he regretted not being able to muster up the patience to push Shepard away and bring her pleasure with his mouth only. That would have to wait for another time, right now all he needed was to bury himself inside of her.

Shepard already straddled him, so it didn't take much effort to grab her ass and drag her even closer. Her heat was bleeding through his clothes, her breath as clipped as his. He could feel the wetness of her sex without touching it. Even before they were joined, he knew it won't take long for either of them.

No patience for waiting any longer, Shepard slid a hand between them and grabbed him. A strangled sound managed to leave Kaidan's throat before her lips were on his again as she guided him inside herself. There was nothing elegant about what they were doing and he didn't care. He didn't care that they hadn't made it as far as the salad before Shepard headbutted that turian officer. He didn't care that the resulting fight and confusion had landed them in prison instead of the expensive hotel suite he'd rented to celebrate their anniversary, away from their makeshift family laying siege to their apartment. He didn't care that instead of a romantic evening resulting in a night filled with making love, they fucked each other like there was no tomorrow inside of a dirty prison cell.

Kaidan only cared for the hitched breath next to his ear, the smell of sweat he was breathing in while burying his face in the soft valley between Shepard's breasts. He cared for the sound of flesh hitting flesh, the long moan she made when he pushed faster and used his hands on her ass to press her down hard on his cock, burying himself as deep as possible, by now trusting Shepard would voice any displeasure if he became too rough (she never did). He only cared for the roll of her hips, desperate and frantic in its rhythm, and his name on her lips like a plea.

Kaidan removed one of his hands from her ass, slipping it between them. Knowing what he was about to do, Shepard pulled his face away from her chest, smothering her own moan with his mouth when his fingers connected with her clit. It was a dirty trick to get her off faster but desperate times called for desperate measures. He could feel Shepard's nails digging into his neck as her heat began clenching around him, her movements losing any sort of rhythm they'd held before as she lost herself in pleasure. Kaidan tried to hold out as long as possible but the fight was lost before it began. He followed Shepard over the edge, burying himself inside of her with a few last frantic thrusts before his orgasm overtook him. Shepard swallowed his groans with her mouth, shuddering and making small sounds as she rode out his own waves of pleasure with him, holding him as he shook.

After, her lips still refused to leave his, even while they were trying to regain the ability to breath normally again. Hard pressure turned into a soft caress. Shepard smiled against his skin, content. He could live in this moment.

As his heart began to slow down and his skin began to cool, a breathy laugh escaped Kaidan. Shepard, having no interest of leaving her position on his lap, shivered and gasped lightly. Kaidan's slung his arms around her, holding her so close that she wouldn't have been able to escape even if she'd wanted to. That is, if her legs would cooperate. Considering he could feel them slightly twitch, he wasn't so sure.

"Still thinking this was a bad idea?" Shepard murmured into his ear.

As he was about to answer, a door down the hall opened. Shepard's eyes widened as familiar voices carried to them, making clear they were headed in their direction.

In the fraction of a second she was off his lap, leaving his head spinning from the sudden change of being inside of her to the cold air of the prison cell. He didn't give himself the time to mourn her loss or recover, instead he hastily tugged himself away in the desperate attempt to look somewhat presentable - or at least not flash their visitors.

Kaidan heard more than saw Shepard closing her zippers again, adjusting her dress before coming over to help his still trembling hands with his own zipper. She brushed her fingers through his hair a few times as he made sure the upper part of her dress hid what it was supposed to hide. By now getting presentable in mere seconds was almost routine. He wasn't sure what that said about their relationship or their sex life.

The steps were drawing closer, accompanied by voices, some of them amused some decidedly less so. Kaidan ignored what was being said and gave Shepard a once-over before giving a curt nod, something she did in turn. She then returned to her bench on the other side of the prison cell, grabbing the bloody piece of cloth and toyed around with it. Picture of innocence. Kaidan shook his head.

"You'd think after the fish tank-incident, restaurant owners had learned their lesson about letting you in."

Shepard rolled her eyes before directing her attention at Joker who smugly grinned at them from outside their cell. He was obviously very pleased with the situation. Having to bail out the first and second human Spectre at the same time was probably something Kaidan would hear a lot about in the future.

Next to Joker a very unamused looking Bailey stood with an even more unamused looking turian C-Sec officer thankfully was not the one Shepard had assaulted in his honor earlier. Thank the gods for small favors. The other turian accompanying the small group was Garrus. He, much like Joker, looked very amused. Kaidan wondered if it was because, for once, he wasn't on this side of the bars together with Shepard or if Garrus knew the other officer personally and thought he deserved what he got. Possibly both.

"Will you ever stop mentioning the fish tank?"

"Only when you stop trashing restaurants. So likely never."

Kaidan heaved a sigh as he stood up to stroll to the opening door, happy to finally be able to leave the prison besides its recent more pleasant memories.

"In case you were wondering, Officer Kyriat will not press charges against you - even if it would've been pointless anyway, you being a Spectre and all that." Bailey said, voice as dry as ever. By now he likely had grown too accustomed to Shepard's escapades to even bat an eye. Kaidan could relate.

"Good. Then we won't press charges because of sexual harassment."

Garrus shot Kaidan a glance. "Do I even want to know?"

"No."

"I would still prefer if you would not assault my officers, Shepard. See it as a personal favor to me."

"Maybe if they keep their talon's off of Spectre Alenko's a-"

"Shepard!"

"No, I really don't want to know."

"Hey Kaidan, what's that thing in your-"

"NO!"

The two voices trying to keep Joker from pulling on the string hanging out of Kaidan's jacket died when the pilot held the complicated garment Kaidan had shoved into his pocket earlier up for everyone to see while something else clattered to the ground. A profound silence filled the cell as Kaidan froze in pure terror.

One after another the men staring at the strings between Joker's fingers realized what he was holding and started putting together the pieces of how it had likely ended in Kaidan's possession.

Bailey and Joker recovered first while the two turians stared a bit longer, confusion obvious.

"Goddammit, Shepard, are not even my cells sacred to you?"

"How do you even put something like that on? I mean, I'm not that familiar with human physiology but ..."

"I really didn't need to see that."

"This is ... seriously kinky. I'm not sure if I should be impressed or disgusted."

"You two really didn't learn from that incident with the asari ambassador, did you?"

No, actually I m very impressed.

"I don't know if I want to lock you in separate cells again and throw away the key codes or kick you out of here. Or kick your asses fist and then kick you out of-"

"Kaidan, what is this?"

Despite her voice being barely more than a whisper, Shepard, who'd been silent until now, interrupted the men all talking at once. Kaidan, sure he was about to die from embarrassment, glimpsed to Shepard, happy for any kind of distraction. At least until he saw what the distraction actually was. His heart stopped.

In her slender fingers Shepard was holding the box from his pocket. It seemed to have fallen out when Joker had pulled out Shepard's underwear. She'd picked it up and opened it and was now staring at him with wide eyes, cockiness all but forgotten. For once her face was not a mask but a mixture of emotions laid bare. The men behind him fell silent as they all looked at Shepard holding the box with its content very visible.

He'd only picked out the ring recently, despite being sure he wanted to ask The Question for quite some time now. Maybe he'd always been sure but the timing never seemed quite right. Kaidan wasn't as old fashioned as some might believe but for some reason this had always been something he wanted to do right. For Shepard's sake. She'd so little in her life that went according to plan, he at least wanted to give her that. A nice and normal evening with a romantic dinner, a hotel with a beautiful view, a man madly in love with her on his knees before her with a ring in his hand. Now even those plans were out of the window.

The ring that held everybody's attention was a modest thing, uncomplicated and beautiful. A thin band of silver with a red gem that had reminded him of Shepard's hair and her N7 stripe. It had seemed like a good idea to ask her tonight, on their anniversary so many years after the night before Ilos. But that was before the evening had descended into chaos, before they fucked inside a prison cell, before they were caught, before Shepard had found the ring, and before he wondered if he could die from shame and horror while everybody stared at him, waiting for an answer.

"Kaidan?" Shepard asked again, voice unsure as he'd never heard it before. He felt his heart crack.

"I ..."

"Holy shit!" He heard Joker whisper before someone shushed him.

"I, uhm, I ..."

"Good god, Alenko, just ask her!"

"Shh!"

"Shepard, I-"

It was as far as he got before Shepard crashed into him. Her lips drowned out his pitiful attempt of explaining himself, of apologizing for fucking up even his proposal and asking if she could maybe still imagine spending the rest of her life with him. Instead Shepard pressed herself against him, arms slung around his neck in the endeavor of drawing him even closer. Kaidan's own hands settled on her hips, holding her in place while his brain tried to make sense of what was happening. Did she just agree to marry him without actually being asked The Question or was she just trying to deflect The Question to save them both from the embarrassment?

"Awww."

"Damn it, Shepard, I wanted to see how he'd try to ask you without fucking it up."

Kaidan could feel Shepard's lips curl into a smile against his just a moment before they parted, both slightly out of breath. Her eyes were searching his, smile still lighting up her face and making it difficult for him to remember how to breath. She'd never been more beautiful than in this moment, hair disheveled, makeup smudged, lips swollen, and body still smelling of him.

"Yes?"

"Yes?" He echoed, unsure what Shepard expected. She just rolled her eyes.

"I believe you had a question for me?"

"Oh. Yes." He took a deep breath. "Shepard, we've been through-"

"Yes!"

"I haven't asked yet! I have ... I have a speech!"

"I don't need a speech, Kaidan. I just need ... just ask. Please."

"Okay. Shepard-"

"Yes!"

"At least let me finish."

"Sorry."

Another deep breath. "Will you marry me?"

"Yes." This time, it was a whisper. Nothing more than a breath against his lips before they connected again. Softly this time and without any hurry.

"Awww."

"I'm not sure if this was insanely cute or insanely awkward."

"Is this normal human bonding procedure?"

"Believe me when I say that nothing about them is normal."

"Garrus, are you ... crying?"

"Don't be ridiculous. I've got something on my visor."

"That doesn't even make sense."

Drowning out the voices around them proved easy with Shepard's lips as a distraction.

"So this was what you were stressing out about?" Shepard murmured when they finally parted.

"Hmhm. That and the headbutting."

"How long exactly will you hold that against me?"

"Does the rest of our lives sound good for you?"

Shepard smiled before resting her forehead against his. "Sounds perfect."

Author's Note: I know I'm VERY late but see this as my entry to the last Kaidan Porn Week on Tumblr since I started it back then ... Many thanks to bioticbooty & femshepfit for encouraging me to post this. Or if you hate it, you can go ahead and blame them for enabling me. This is for both of them as well as eternalshiva who mentioned something about an obsession with masturbation in fics. This is what happens when you reveal your weaknesses to me. If you find any mistakes, let me know. I'm still learning this whole writing-stories-in-English-thing.