Title: Making Amends

Summary: AU: Sara is back in Vegas and working for CSI again. But why did she come back and why did Grissom stay behind?

Fandom/Pairing: CSI - Catherine Willows/Sara Sidle
Author: Cherokee62
Rating: R - Femslash, adult language
Spoilers: None
Word Count: 4,666
Disclaimer: I do not own these characters, just having some fun with them. They are owned by CBS Corp. No profit is being made with this story.
Editing work done by Thelightwentoff

A/N 1: Just a thought caused by a conversation with Smartyshortie about why Sara came back to Vegas and CSI...

Xposted: cm_femslash, Women in Kevlar, Passion Perfect, dogged_by_muses,My Journal

Making Amends

Sara had been sitting in her car for hours now, just watching the front door to CSI. She waited for a certain someone to come out and hoped she had the courage to do this.

"I've been back a while now, and I just can't seem to get the nerve. What the hell is wrong with me? This is why I came back, isn't it?" Sara thought.

What an emotional rollercoaster the past two years had been. Sara was not one to dwell on the past, but so many things had changed in her life that had changed her, she just couldn't help herself.

One thing she knew for certain was that she hated confrontation, even though she never seemed to manage to avoid it. She was just too direct and literal for her own good, which is why her current predicament was so damn frustrating to her.

"I thought all this was behind me when I left for Costa Rica," Sara said aloud to herself. "But I had to get away. Go where I had no history, no ghosts. But I guess no matter where you go, you take your ghosts with you."

If only she hadn't always felt the need to hide her true self, she may have been able to be happy sooner. But the reality of her truth was just more than she could handle. It seemed silly now, after so much had happened, but it was a fact then. Thinking how far she actually went to deny herself amazed her. She had actually gone so far as to marry Grissom, even after she had so effectively walked away from him also.

Sara looked up from her musings and saw the object of her '"stakeout" walking out of the building. For a moment, she was frozen with indecision.

"Oh God," she mumbled to herself. "Do I really want to do this? Is there a point after all I've done?"

She took a deep breath and opened the car door.

"Catherine!"

Catherine Willows halted and looked around surprised.

"Sara?" Catherine asked, squinting into the dark at the figure exiting a car. "What are you still doing here? You got off hours ago."

Sara walked up to Catherine with a silly smile plastered on her bright red face.

"Ummm...I was waiting for you, actually. Thought you would never come out of there."

Catherine frowned and looked around the parking lot, "Waiting for me? Why on earth would you be waiting for me?"

"I thought maybe you had a minute to talk. In private?" Sara replied, kicking her foot against the blacktop.

"Do we really have anything to talk about, Sara?"

"Ummm...I think we do. If you could just, like, humor me? I'll buy ya breakfast?" Sara said, giving Catherine her best puppy dog look and hopeful eyes.

For just a moment, Catherine's stony expression didn't change, then she grinned, still unable to resist that look.

"Alright, Sidle. I'll give you as much time as it takes to have pancakes and eggs. Fair enough?"

Sara grinned and nodded enthusiastically, "Yeah, fair enough. You lead, I'll follow!"

She ran back to her car and jumped in, barely able to believe her luck.

Catherine was true to her word, and gave the waitress her order for pancakes and eggs. The waitress turned to Sara, pencil poised.

"Coffee."

"That's it? Coffee?" Catherine asked with a frown. "I thought you wanted to have breakfast? Or was that just a convenient excuse?"

Sara looked at her for a moment, about to say something in reply, then decided that it just wasn't worth taking the risk to start on the wrong foot. "Coffee... and pancakes."

Catherine smirked, then gave Sara a look. "So? Your clock has started. You have until I finish my food to say whatever you have to say. I would start now, if I were you."

Sara gave a deep sigh, "Catherine, do you have to be quite that confrontational?"

"Yes. I do. You've been back for months, Sara. I don't know exactly why you came back, at least not the real story, and you have not once made any attempt to speak to me, outside of work related issues. Hell, for that matter, I never knew why you left in the first place. So what's so important that you would resort to parking lot stalking techniques?"

Sara blushed, knowing Catherine was right. She had made no attempt, and this was just beyond pitiful.

"You're right, Catherine. You deserve an explanation. It has just been really hard for me to actually get up the balls to do it.

"The balls?" Catherine laughed. "Gee, I knew you had taken up playing with them, didn't know you had actually grown a set. Or did you bring Gil's with you?"

"Damn it, Catherine! Why do you have to..." Sara shouted, then stopped herself. "No. I'm not gonna let you goad me into being defensive. You can say what you want, but you will not make me mad and walk out. That's the old Sara."

"Ah. The old Sara. Which old Sara are we talking about? The old Sara who ran away when things got difficult ? Or the old Sara who used to come to me and... Well, I suppose it's the new Sara who has something she needs to say? Well, by all means, new Sara, have your say." Catherine mocked.

"Catherine," Sara sighed wearily. "I don't blame you for being so angry with me. Really, I don't."

"Good to know." Catherine smirked.

Sara stared at her for a moment, allowing her anger to slowly dissipate. "Okay. First I need to apologize for leaving without saying anything to you. I was so emotionally and spiritually drained, I could only think of going as fast as possible before you or Gil could talk me out of it. I left him a note. Did he show it to you? I expected him to. It was meant to be a goodbye to you both, but I couldn't say that then."

"Eventually," Catherine said in a flat tone. "But not after I had worried myself sick that something terrible had happened to you. Would it have been that much trouble for you to have left a note in my locker, Sara? Didn't I deserve even that much from you?"

"Yes, you did. I can't explain why I didn't and I have no excuse for what I put you through, Catherine. That's why I want to try to make you understand."

Sara sat there, trying to gauge Catherine's reaction, but the blonde was not giving anything away.

"I told Gil in my note that I had been living with ghosts and needed to get away from them before I self-destructed. He assumed, and not totally incorrectly, that I meant the ghost of my father and of all the victims I had dealt with over the years. I also meant the ghost you had become. The ghost of what we once had, and what we could have had, if I had just been a little braver."

Catherine shot her a disgusted look, "What we could have had? If I remember correctly, you said what we had, was a mistake! Blame it on a drunken night, or fear, or loneliness, or whatever bullshit reason you gave me the night you left me! How dare you even...!"

Sara reached out and grabbed Catherine's hand, making the older woman stop talking for a second before she snatched her hand away.

"Catherine, please! Hear me out before you condemn me!" Sara desperately pleaded. "You have every right to hate me, but don't think I haven't struggled with hating myself! When I left the first time, it was to break from everyone, not just you. I knew I had made a mistake thinking Grissom was the answer. All those months in the rain forest I had so much time to think. I even sent him a video email, telling him that I was happy for the first time in my life. Not happy that I had left everyone behind, but happy that I was able to think without the distractions. The feelings I was fighting to bury. I never expected him to follow me. I should have known he would. He is, if nothing else, tenacious. I thought that if he found me in the middle of nowhere, then it was meant to be. Loving him didn't matter, I trusted him. I just confused what I really needed from him with physical love. That's why I married him. Understanding what I really needed from him is why I'm here now."

"I really don't want the details of your fairy tale love affair with Grissom," Catherine spat out. "Is this what you wanted to tell me? How you realized Grissom was your savior? That his love was better than the love I offered you? Fuck this, Sara! I do not have to sit here and listen to this shit!"

Catherine stood up and grabbed her purse, intent on walking away from Sara. Sara leapt up and grabbed her arm forcefully.

"No! You made a promise Catherine. You said you would listen until you were done your food! If nothing else, don't you owe me that much?"

"Owe you? What the hell do I owe you anything for?" Catherine protested.

"For what we did have once! For never breaking your confidence. If nothing else, because you want answers!"

"Answers? I stopped looking for answers a long time ago, Sidle."

"No, you haven't," Sara said softly. "Needing answers is what keeps you up at night."

"Still as pompous and arrogant as ever, huh, Sidle? Fine. I'll be a bigger woman and give you the chance I originally offered. But this is your one and only shot, so it better be damn good!" Catherine hissed as she sat back down at the table.

The waitress came over with their drinks and food, placing them in front of the woman.

"Clocks a' tickin', Sidle."

Sara was frustrated and angry. She wanted to make this stubborn woman understand her, but with her time running out she didn't know if she could say all she needed to.

"Catherine, please. I need to do this and I can't swear I can do it in the time it takes you to eat. I need more time! Be reasonable." Sara begged. "Look, if what I say sounds like total and utter bullshit to you, then you can leave after you finish. I will never bring it up to you again. If there is even a hint of truth that you can decipher, or I capture your interest, then you let me take you somewhere we can finish talking. Deal?"

Catherine sat there eating for a moment, then looked up at Sara.

"I suggest you talk fast and make it damn good. One hint of self pitying, manipulative bullshit and I walk! I'll consider the rest of your request after you've given me something worthwhile. Take it or leave it. I really don't care which."

Sara released the breath she was holding, "Fair enough. Thank you, Catherine."

"Humph, don't thank me yet," Catherine mumbled.

"I probably should have told you about my past years ago, but it's not something I like to think about, let alone talk about. You know I was raised in foster care, right? It's why I was there that explains a lot, I guess," Sara confessed.

Catherine glanced up slightly from the plate of food she seemed to be studying, "And that is important, why?"

Sara sighed, "Because it may explain why you and I always butted heads. Just let me get this out, ok? It's long overdue and I don't think I can tell it more than once."

"Fine. Go on." Catherine said with a wave of her fork.

"Basically...my father was a monster. He was abusive to my mother and me, getting drunk and beating us senseless. For me, I had my books and my mind to retreat into, but my mother had nothing. One night he beat her so badly, I actually thought he had killed her. In a way he did. He killed what was left of her: her spirit, her mind. In 1984, after a particularly brutal beating, she finally had enough. She ran into the kitchen and got a knife and stabbed my father to death. I was there. I saw the whole thing happen and there was nothing I could do. Hell, there was nothing I wanted to do. I remember hoping, wishing, that it had hurt him bad when she plunged the knife into him." Sara paused, caught up in the horrible images that were in her mind. "The courts decided that while it was self-defense, she was obviously unstable, and committed my mother to a psychiatric facility. I was left with no one to care for me, and was put into foster care."

Sara looked down at the food in front of her, no appetite for it, moving it around with her fork.

"I swore I would never be like them. Definitely not like him, but not like her either. I would never let any man treat me that way, even if it meant I would be alone for the rest of my life. So, I pulled myself up, got into college at sixteen and worked harder than I had ever thought possible, to save myself from a life even remotely similar to theirs. Problem was, I had retreated so far into myself, I didn't know how to let anyone in. I was a loner and I preferred it that way. Any show of dominance was meant with resistance and hostility from me. I didn't deal with authority very well. What I did gain was a simple compassion and empathy for anyone who was dealing with domestic violence. Seeing another woman or families go through that just filled me with a fury I couldn't control. I know that fury made me seem overly aggressive and combative, and any questions of my methods just annoyed me to the point that all I could do was fight. That was how most of our fights happened, Catherine. I respected you so much, but I knew you had allowed some man to treat you like shit, and anytime you would doubt me when a case involved abuse, I just lost it."

"Allowed it?" Catherine laughed, looking up with anger in her eyes. "Is that what you thought? That I allowed it? You have no idea what the hell you are talking about, Sara. You don't have any insight into what I went through with Eddie, so I would step lightly around that one, if I were you."

"Perhaps that was a poor choice of words," Sara admitted.

"Ya think?" Catherine quipped in return.

"Sorry. I shouldn't have said it that way, but it just proves that neither of us really understood the other. Anyway, while I was in college, I attended a lecture by Grissom. He fascinated me almost as much as the subject matter did. I thought him somewhat handsome, but even with his obvious genius, he was clueless. I had never encountered a more unthreatening man in my life. I think that's what attracted me to him. He was harmless. I don't think I realized that he was an emotional cripple until it was too late. I just assumed it was because he was always thinking about something important that he neglected the basic social responses other people had. I thought I had fallen in love with him, and no one was more surprised than me. You see, I knew at a very early age, that men were not on my list of favorite things, but I would never admit, not even to myself, why that really was."

At some point, Catherine had stopped eating and was focused on what Sara was telling her. She looked at her oddly then asked, "You married him because he was harmless? I admit, he comes off a little thick, but no man is ever totally harmless, Sara."

Sara considered that for a moment, "Yeah I guess not, but Grissom is as close to harmless as you can get. And yeah, I thought that was why I eventually married him. I realized later, that I was actually trying to avoid being alone. And the one thing I couldn't admit was that he represented the father I never had. All I wanted to do was make him proud, make him happy. Being with me seemed to do that, so marrying him was the next logical step. I knew I wouldn't have fireworks and confetti every time we were together, but I would have a stable relationship, and he demanded little in the romance department. It was something I never allowed myself to believe was possible to have. I didn't recognize how he had manipulated me. I had told him we were through and I was happy. It was almost like he couldn't stand the thought that I had found myself without him, without his help. So he tracked me down, pledged undying devotion and I bought it."

"So, what? Realizing he was a father figure creeped you out and you panicked? All of this really doesn't explain why you did what you did to me though Sara. How does that fit into this tale?" Catherine asked.

Sara looked around the diner. It had begun to fill up as the usual morning crowd arrived. She decided to take a gamble that she had interested Catherine enough that she would allow her to continue somewhere else.

"It's getting crowded in here. I'm a little hesitant to talk about that, someone who knows you might overhear. Do you think we can go somewhere else to finish this?"

Catherine examined the brunette with her eyebrows raised, wondering what exactly the younger woman was up to.

"Oh, you think you've peaked my interest, do ya? I'll admit I am curious about why you're here and Gil is still in Paris, but do I care enough, is the real question." Catherine heaved a heavy sigh, "Alright, Sidle. Let's go somewhere else and finish this. Where do you suggest?"

"My new apartment is close by. We could go there. And if you get tired, you're welcome to take a nap or something." Sara suggested hopefully.

"Is it now? Okay, we can go to your apartment, but there will be no napping. Let's just get this over with so we can both move on."

Sara smiled brightly, a rare sight that Catherine had only seen back when they had shared something together. "Great! You can follow me, it's just up the road a bit."

Catherine pulled in behind Sara's car. She didn't know the brunette now lived so close to her own house and wondered why she had never mentioned it. "But then again, she had to know I would go ballistic on her, accuse her of stalking me," thought Catherine with a wiry grin.

"C'mon in and make yourself comfortable," Sara called to her, startling Catherine from her thoughts. "Would you like a cup of tea, or whatever? I have that vitamin water I used to get you all the time, the kind you used to like..." Sara asked as Catherine entered the apartment.

"I don't drink that anymore. Tea is fine."

While Sara was brewing the tea, Catherine looked around her apartment curiously. She wasn't surprised to find it sparsely decorated, Sara never did much with her place before. What did surprise her was the lack of personal photos: no wedding pictures, no pictures of Grissom anywhere to be seen. The only pictures to be found were black and white shots taken in what looked like the rain forest.

"Hmmm, that's interesting," Catherine thought. "Maybe she keeps Grissom's pictures in the bedroom."

Sara walked in and placed the steaming mug of tea in front of Catherine and said, "I see no reason for them."

Catherine looked up puzzled at the comment. "Excuse me?"

"Pictures of Gil, our wedding. No reason for them." Sara laughed at the shocked expression on Catherine's face, "I know you, Cath. First thing you noticed, right? Figured I'd save you the trouble of wondering."

"You never knew me, Sara. You just thought you did." Catherine snapped back.

Shrugging, Sara sat down next to Catherine to continue her tale. "So...where did I leave off?" Sara asked as she rolled up the sleeves on her white shirt. Smiling, Sara said, "Oh yeah, you were asking about my apparent daddy issues and what it all has to do with you."

Catherine shot her a look, and Sara put up her hands in surrender. "Okay, Okay. Only joking. After Gil and I got married, we moved to Paris. He had been offered some speaking engagements at the Sorbonne, and he assumed that three would turn to four, four to more. So he decided that was where we should live. "

Sara paused for a moment, a frown on her face. "Notice I said, he decided. He never asked where I wanted to live, just assumed I would be thrilled to live in the city of lights. Not what I would have chosen, but it really didn't matter enough to fight about. It wasn't long before I became bored and restless. Not a lot for someone like me to do in Paris. I visited every museum, every historical site and then just wandered around, while Gil basked in his new role. So much time on my hands gave me a lot of time to think. And that was when I learned that you can't leave your ghosts behind. They always travel with you, buried deep inside, but one day they will appear.

I was beginning to realize that I hadn't found what I was looking for in Gil. Don't get me wrong, it was nothing he did. And it was everything he did. Maybe I was just having problems adapting to married life. Not like I had any good examples to reference. But...I felt I was trying to convince myself that I was happy, instead of being happy.

It wasn't any easier for Gil. He was used to being a loner, doing what he wanted when he wanted, without having to tell anyone. So some nights he just didn't come home, or when he did, he didn't talk. Just folded into his own mind and thoughts. I knew he wasn't being unfaithful; that is so not Gil! Sometimes I think he considered me the mistress to his science.

I found myself one day, all alone and didn't care. Gil's absence didn't bother me as much as it should have. Strangely, I felt relief instead of abandoned. I took to wandering the streets of Paris on a more regular basis, visiting little cafes and shops. I took up people watching, can you believe it? Watching them interact was fascinating. You could tell when a couple was fighting, had just made love or were strangers to each other, just by their body language. I was so caught up in this new activity that I started to look for particular emotions on passersbys' faces. Sometimes I would wander all day, just to find one emotion I hadn't seen that day.

One day I was sitting in a cafe looking for happiness and contentment. It was harder than I had expected. It seemed that everyone who came in or by the cafe was in a hurry, mad or distracted. Then this couple came in. They were talking low to each other, heads bent into the words spoken by the other. They were so engrossed in each other, it was obvious nothing and no one else existed. They never touched, not really, but would lean inwards toward each other as they walked toward the counter. When one ordered, all that was needed was a glance at the other to know what they wanted. When they moved to a little table, not far from where I was sitting, they sat close, not across from each other. I was transfixed with this couple. So much communication with so little words! Was this what love was supposed to be like? As they sat and talked, the small touches started. When one asked for the sugar, the other would lightly run a finger over the requesting hand as it was passed, eyes never leaving the other's as they sipped their coffees. The other, staring at lips as they moved. I looked around the cafe, and saw no one even remotely so engrossed in each other. I had seen lovers by the score during my walks, but none that spoke such volumes with affection, desire and love." Sara made a self deprecating laugh, "I watched them for almost an hour before I realized that it was two women! Not because they didn't look like women, they did. Hell they looked like runway models! I just didn't see it, or expect what that realization would do to me.

My heart skipped a beat, my respiration quickened, I was almost light headed. I looked around and no one...no one, was paying them any attention at all! I thought, how wonderful! They are open and in love and no one cares! And just that quick, in walked one of my ghosts."

Catherine, surprised that she had lasted so long without a comment, almost hated to interrupt, "A ghost walked into the cafe? Exactly how much of that French coffee had you had, Sidle?"

"Not actually walked in, silly," Sara replied with a smile.

Catherine smiled back, surprised and just a little annoyed that she was pleased she had made the younger woman smile.

"Watching these two women made me think of what I had buried inside myself for so many years." Sara continued softly. "The ghost I saw was you, Catherine. Not the you everyone else sees but who you were when I was so afraid to admit my feelings. The look on your face as you gazed at me from the past...a mix of tenderness, understanding and pain. I always knew that I had hurt you, but just how much was lost on me. I was too wrapped up in my own pain and needs. As I looked at that couple, I wondered if that future was what I had really run away from."

"We never had that, Sara," Catherine quietly stated. "You never gave us that much of a chance."

Sara looked at Catherine, then glanced down, ashamed. "I know. I was too chicken shit to see past physical desire. But it was something that could have been possible. If I had bothered to see what you wanted from me, instead of what I needed from you, who knows. Seeing you...your ghost I mean, made me start to wonder about all of that. Once it was there, front and center, there was no escaping it. I saw you everywhere I went after that. Following me down small alleys, into different cafes as I searched for more couples like the two I had seen that day. You followed me home at night and you were there when I woke up in the morning." Sara shook her head, confused, "You never said a word to me. Just looked at me with that same expression, day after day. Trying to tell me something without words, if I could just understand you. If Gil noticed my distraction, he never mentioned it."

"I vote he never noticed," Catherine mumbled.

Sara nodded, smiling. "Yeah, I would too." Sara grew serious again, "I have to admit to you though, after Warrick was...after Warrick, I couldn't stop wondering how you were doing. I knew you were going to play it strong, put it all neatly away and only cry when you were alone in the shower. I just wanted to be there for you. Maybe hold you so you wouldn't have to cry alone."

Catherine looked at her in amazement. She never suspected Sara even thought about how she felt after Warrick's death, let alone want to comfort her. "Funny, I don't recall you acting like you even noticed me when you came back for the funeral. All your comfort went to Grissom."

"I know and I'm not proud of that. I was afraid you would just reject me, or I would just add to your pain. That whole scene was so surreal, like a really bad dream. I couldn't handle the reality of him actually being gone. It was easier to just leave again."

Catherine and Sara looked at each other, both realizing the other had lost something important when they lost Warrick. Silently they agreed that neither had been there for the other, and it was okay to let that subject go.

"So here I was, in Paris, thinking of you in Las Vegas. What the hell was I doing to myself? Regardless of how things were going with Gil, I had made a choice and there was no going back, right? Do you know why I couldn't stay with you? "

"I assumed it was because you didn't want to," Catherine said bitterly. "I obviously wasn't what you thought you needed or wanted. And as I said earlier, you told me it had been a mistake. What else could I say to that?"

Sara felt like crying, hearing her own, cold words said back to her. "God, I was such an asshole! Catherine, I can't say sorry enough. I was an idiot, plain and simple. Worse than that, I was in denial. I had a crush on you for so long, and when I finally got the nerve to ask you out, I had to get drunk to get the courage to go through with it. I didn't even consider how that must have made you feel." Sara shook her head in regret. "I...I wanted to be with you so badly. But to admit that it was anything more than wanting to get laid, would have meant admitting ...It was easier to just seduce you."

"Would have meant admitting what, Sara?" Catherine asked. "If you still can't even say it, then why are we doing this?"

Sara took a deep breath, "It would have meant admitting I was gay. I knew it, always knew it. Just couldn't deal with it. I kept thinking it was just one more thing that made me a freak. And it had been so easy! I had never met any women I wanted to be with, anyone that made me even remotely want to be who I knew I was. Until you. Every time I thought about how you made me feel, I would pick a fight with you. Better to be angry with you then to be lusting after you, at least that's what I thought at the time. When you agreed to go out with me, I figured you were just doing the bi-curious thing. You were only looking for some fun, nothing else. And I was so desperate to be with you, I didn't care. It wasn't until later, after we...after we had sex, that I realized it was more for you than that. In my drunken state, I told myself it was just a fuck, nothing more. I needed to think that, understand? But no matter how I tried, I could see that to you, we had made love. This was not just some fun freaky thing you always wanted to try. There were real feelings behind it, that's why you were so kind to me." Sara stopped, looking at Catherine to see if she understood or was going to explode. Satisfied that she wasn't going to say anything just yet, she continued.

"What I felt with you that night...I had been searching for that my whole life, I just didn't know it. It would have been so easy for me to curl up in your arms and just allow myself to sink into you. I knew in that instant that you could be my happy ending, and it scared the living shit out of me. I knew you would be everything to me, but I just couldn't believe that I would do anything but screw it up. I had so much baggage. So much garbage to bring and who the hell wanted that?"

"Don't you think I should have been given the chance to decide for myself?" Catherine asked, trying to control her anger. "Who are you to decide what I needed or what I wanted?"

"I thought I was being kind, " Sara laughed bitterly. "Saving you from the heartache I knew I would be. If I couldn't be honest to myself, how were you ever supposed to trust me? But my God, I so wanted to try! I knew that now that I had stepped over the cliff, and showed my true self to you, there was no turning back. I really only saw two choices. Run like the devil was on my ass...or stay and love you, be loved by you. I was half in love with you already. I laid there in your arms, listening to your quiet breathing as you slept; you had this sweet little smile on your face..." Sara smiled sadly at the memory. "God, you were so beautiful. I just wanted to take you in my arms and do it all again, this time slower, taking my time with you. Memorizing every curve, every freckle, every moan and every shiver."

Sara's words trailed off as she was lost in the memory of that one night that changed everything. She looked over at Catherine and saw what she swore were tears brimming in her eyes. Sara reached out slowly and tentatively took Catherine's hand, expecting her to pull away violently. Catherine didn't move, the only sign, a slight hitch in her breathing.

"I thought I was saving you, Cath. Saving you from me. All I did was make things worse than they ever needed to be. When I found out later how much trouble you were having holding the team together, I knew it could be my chance to come back and make amends. I guess I never considered just how angry you were. But I knew I had to try. That couple. Your ghost. All of it was telling me what a fool I had been. All I could do was hope it wasn't too late, that the hate you had for me wasn't so deep you couldn't find forgiveness," Sara explained, desperately squeezing Catherine's hand.

"I don't hate you, Sara," Catherine whispered. "I wanted to, I tried to, but I just never could. I was so hurt by everything, but a part of me did understand. I knew you were in the closet, I had spent plenty of time there myself to know the signs. But I thought you could love me. Believed that you could, because I had fallen in love with you so long ago. Hating you would have been so much easier."

Catherine took a deep shaking breath, "I guess that's that, then. You explained yourself, we can try to move past all this. It won't happen overnight, but I think you know that. The rest is a moot point anyway."

"Why is it moot?" asked Sara.

"You're married, Sara. Married to Grissom. I know you would never hurt him intentionally, so the point is moot."

Sara stared at her for a moment. "Catherine, I thought you understood. Grissom is still in Paris, he chose his life there over being here with me. I didn't just leave without talking to him. Neither of us was happy, but no one wanted to be the first to admit we had made a mistake. When I realized that I needed, no, wanted, to be here, I had to say something. So we decided to separate, find out what it is we both want. I already know what I want, I think Gil does too."

Sara moved closer to Catherine, still gripping her hands tightly. "I know I have no right to expect anything from you Catherine. But do you think one day we could try again?"

"Oh, Sara. No...maybe... I don't know. "Catherine whispered. "So much has happened."

"Just think about it, ok?" Sara pleaded. "You don't have to say yes or no now. I've given you a lot to process. And I have a lot of mistakes to make up for as well as a lot of trust to get back. But I promise, I will do everything I can to make you see how I feel about you. I just can't walk away. Not this time, not ever again. I want my happy ending...I want to be your happy ending if you'll let me."

Sara leaned forward and lightly touched her lips to Catherine's. The kiss was gentle, non-demanding, just a light brush of her lips over Catherine's. She pulled back, slightly embarrassed at her nerve. Catherine looked into her eyes, trying to decide what she felt. She moved forward and kissed Sara, lips just touching, soft and innocent; trying to find the familiar way their lips used to move together; gasping when her heart recognized the feeling. Catherine pulled back and sighed.

"Damn. I was hoping I didn't feel anything," she joked. "I won't promise anything, Sara. I can't. But I am willing to give you a chance. Right now, that chance is to prove what you've said to me. That you've grown and matured. That you can accept who you are first. I know my feelings for you are still there, but I won't put myself in a position for you to hurt me again. If I'm gonna roll the dice, it's to win. You got that?"

Sara smiled, tears coming to her eyes as she realized what Catherine was saying. "I got it. I promise I won't hurt you again, I'll give you up forever before I ever do that again. I swear!"

Catherine squeezed Sara's hand, "The only promise I want, Sara, is that you will free yourself from your demons. We can talk about the rest after that."

Sara closed her eyes, giving a thankful prayer to whatever power was paying attention, that Catherine was willing to give her this chance. She wrapped her arms around the older woman and whispered in her ear, "Thank you, Catherine."