Mirrored Q
"Well, Guinan, in my dream I was Amanda, and I was talking to myself - I mean, talking to Dr. Crusher. But the uniforms were different, and everyone wore weapons."
Guinan nodded. "Go on."
"Then I - she - asked about Wesley, and I said that I didn't have a son named Wesley; in fact, I didn't have a son at all. I told her Jack died before we had any children." She shook her head in confusion.
"The dream disturbed you."
"Of course it did! I usually don't recall my dreams so vividly, and I've never dreamed I was someone else."
Guinan was silent for a time, and finally Beverly asked, "So what do you think?"
The bartender looked up and sighed heavily. "Was Q in your dream?"
Beverly thought for a moment. "No, I - no, he wasn't in the dream, but I remember Amanda saying that Q told her about Wesley. And I also mentioned him. Is that important?"
"Hmmm." Guinan stared at the windows for several minutes. Suddenly she asked, "Do you know much about the original Constitution-class Enterprise?"
"Some, but I haven't studied the records that thoroughly. Why?"
"There was an odd incident that took place during an ion storm, involving four members of the landing party..."
Amanda knew she was in a different Enterprise, but she had not yet determined where in fact she was, or how this place varied from the ship she'd visited before, other than the obvious superficial contrasts such as the uniforms and ship decor. After spending time in her cabin, reflecting on what she knew or rather didn't know, she decided it would be best to start out as she had before.
She walked tentatively into Sickbay, not sure what to expect. Immediately a warm smile greeted her. "Hello, Amanda," Beverly said, walking up to the girl. "Are you feeling better now?"
"Yes, I'm fine, thank you," Amanda replied. She glanced at the workstation. "You're programming nanites?"
Crusher nodded. "It's one of my projects - I'm always looking for ways to improve them, since they're so useful in healing. Q tells me that you studied nanites at one time. Would you like to see my work?"
Amanda eagerly agreed, and for the next half-hour she listened, fascinated, to the details of triumphs in nanite programming. The tiny machines had done wonders in many areas such as removing tumors, repairing and cleaning blood vessels, and even repairing genes that were incorrectly replicated. But when Beverly mentioned the advantages of allowing two or more nanites to work together, something clicked in Amanda's mind.
"Didn't you - I mean, didn't Wesley do some work combining nanites that way?"
Beverly gazed at her, uncomprehending. "Who?"
"Your son, Wesley. Isn't he at Starfleet Academy now?"
Bev shook her head. "I don't have a son."
Amanda's eyes grew wide. "What do you mean? I thought you and your husband Jack had a son named Wesley. I mean - I was sure Q said something..." She looked at Crusher uneasily.
The doctor was impassive. "You must be thinking of someone else, Amanda. Jack died before we had any children." An odd expression flitted across Beverly Crusher's face, then she added, "Well, we were going to have a baby, but I miscarried."
The confusion on Amanda's face instantly turned to sympathy. "I'm sorry, Doctor, I didn't mean to bring back bad memories." A thought occurred to her, and she asked, "Have you - have you ever wished you had children?"
Beverly started to shake her head, then smiled a bit and nodded. "You caught me, Amanda. I have to admit that I do sometimes wish I had a child, though it's usually a daughter I think about, not a son. But please, call me Beverly."
Amanda didn't realize she was beaming. "Tell me some more about the nanites, Doc - Beverly." She thought she just might like it here after all.
That night Beverly Crusher sat in her quarters, tapping her foot impatiently. "Q!" she said, for the third time. "I know you can hear me, so you might as well answer. I'm not going to leave you alone until you do. I might even call Q2."
She waited a little longer, and was rewarded when Q finally appeared, his arms folded belligerently and an expression of intense aggravation on his face. "You know, Crusher, you can be a real pain in the ass. I sometimes think you're worse than -" He stopped suddenly, then closed his mouth tightly.
Beverly stood up, hands on her hips. "Worse than what? Or whom?"
He looked at her with something approaching contempt, then sat down. "None of your damn business," he muttered.
She decided to let it go. "Q, I want to talk to you about Amanda."
"Oh, of course. I'm sure you're going to thank me for bringing her here."
Bev looked at him curiously. "That's not quite what I had in mind - although I am glad she's here. She learns incredibly quickly and -"
"You mean you haven't figured out what she is?"
"What are you talking about?"
"Isn't it obvious? She's a Q, doctor, just like me, but she had the great misfortune to be raised as a human, and we discovered her powers after she was an adult. She has little self-control; I'm surprised she hasn't shown you what she can do."
"She doesn't seem to be the type to flaunt her powers - unlike some people," Crusher replied.
"Spare me the sarcasm, doctor, and get to the point. What did you want to know?"
Beverly started to deliver a sharp retort, then changed her mind. "Amanda seemed to think I have a son. Do you have any idea why she might think that?"
He suddenly looked guarded. "Why are you asking me?"
"She said you told her that Jack and I had a son named Wesley. Is that true?"
"Of course it isn't; don't be ridiculous - at least any more than you have to be as a human being."
She pointedly ignored the slur. "Then why did she say that?"
"I said I didn't tell her - but I can't say what nonsense the other members of the Continuum could have fed her. Besides, don't forget that you could have had a son, if you hadn't aborted your pregnancy."
"How do you know about that?" she asked coolly.
"My dear doctor, I am Q, remember? I know everything."
"All right then - would it have been a boy?"
"Perhaps."
"Yes or no?"
"Yes, damn you, you were going to have a boy. What difference does it make?" He wondered once again why this human woman always seemed able to rattle him, both here and in the other universe.
Beverly did not answer his question, but asked suddenly, "How long are you going to let her stay here, Q?"
For a long time he just looked at her speculatively. Finally he said, "Since this is part of her training, the Continuum has decided she can stay as long as she wants - unless she gets into trouble."
Beverly smiled. "Good."
"What are you planning to do, adopt her?" he grumbled. "Goodbye, Doctor." He disappeared in his usual manner.
When Q left Beverly, he went immediately to Amanda's quarters. "Hello," he said, appearing in the bathroom as she was taking a shower. "You're in good form this evening."
"Q!" she cried, incensed. "Go away!"
He disappeared. "But I can still see you," he teased.
She quickly turned off the shower and grabbed a towel. "What do you want?" she asked, her voice shrill.
"Just a little conversation," he told her, from the other room.
She sighed, then dressed in a satin nightgown and walked into the bedroom. "What did you want to talk about?"
"I just wanted to find out how you're doing. Do you like it here?"
Amanda couldn't help smiling. "Yes, I do, very much. I'd like to stay for awhile, if I may."
"Suit yourself." His voice was edged with contempt. "Crusher wants you to stay."
"She does?" Amanda's eyes lit up. "She said that?"
"Not in those words, but I could tell." Q frowned suddenly and took Amanda's hand. "You do know, of course, that this is a different universe."
"Really? I didn't know," she said, smiling sweetly.
"You should learn more about it before you make any plans. Look before you leap, as they say."
"Uh-huh." Amanda was clearly uninterested.
"For example," he said, standing up, "what did Crusher tell you about her husband?"
"Just that he died before they had any children," she replied, thinking to herself that it wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
"Did she say how he died?"
"No."
"Did you ask?"
"No, I didn't."
"I want you to ask her tomorrow. It's very important for you to know exactly what's going on here, or you'll get into trouble. You're so naive," he added under his breath.
"But I don't care how he died," Amanda said, with a bit of a pout.
"Do it!" Q insisted. "I'm your teacher, remember? You must do as I say or I'll take you back to the Continuum right now."
"Oh, all right," she agreed reluctantly. He disappeared with his usual suddenness.
The next morning, Amanda went to sickbay as soon as she finished breakfast. "Dr. - Beverly, can we talk? In your office, I mean?"
The doctor thought for a moment, then nodded. "I can take some time."
Amanda gathered her courage as they walked into the office, and as soon as they were seated, she blurted out, "How did your husband die?"
Beverly looked into Amanda's eyes for several moments. "Do you want to know the truth?" she asked finally.
Amanda nodded. "The whole truth. I can find out if you're lying," she added.
"Yes, Q told me what you are. All right, if you want the truth..."
Beverly couldn't remember exactly when she had made her decision. Was it when Jack's movement against the Empire began to upset the leaders, and they started the mass arrests? Was it later, after the movement had grown somewhat and the outer regions became independent, only to be taken over by the Romulans and the Klingons? Or was it still later, when the civil unrest spread to the very core of the Empire?
That was when the terrible riots began - she could see them in her mind, the hundreds of children and adolescents being tortured and finally killed because their parents rebelled. And Jack refused to call a halt to it all! He kept saying they had to be willing to pay for freedom with their lives, and he quoted a man named Patrick Henry. To give their own lives, yes, she could see that, but not the lives of innocent children!
Jack just wouldn't listen, and Beverly grew more and more frustrated. She knew that her husband was the center of the movement, and if she could only change his mind, the rest would follow.
Then came the day she was working with the nanites, programming them to repair brain lesions. It was a very delicate type of repair, because it must be done without further damage to the chemically networked memories.
In a flash of insight, she realized she could easily have the nanites reverse the process, destroying the tissue rather than repairing it. The patient would die a slow, somewhat painful death, but if the nanites were masked, cause of death would be impossible to determine. They could be encased in an innocuous protein shell... [a synthetic viral capsid]...
She tested the concept on a laboratory mouse, and three weeks later it was dead. The nanites had never shown up on any of her scans, so it appeared that the animal had died of some natural, though inexplicable, cause.
Less than a week after her discovery, Jack Crusher began to complain of headaches and dizziness.
She remembered the last time they made love, when she became pregnant. She had come home early from the lab to find Jack feeling a little stronger than usual, actually sitting on the couch for a change. He had absolutely refused to stay in the hospital after they had run all the tests they could think of; if he were dying, he was going to do it comfortably and privately. Beverly urged him to change his mind, but inwardly she was pleased, since it made things a lot simpler.
She wasn't concerned about his apparent improvement, knowing it could only be temporary.
Beverly kissed him on the forehead and laid her lab coat over the back of a chair. "You're looking better, sweetheart," she said with a smile.
"I think that new medicine is working," he said enthusiastically. "In fact -" he touched her arm just as she turned away, "- there's something I'd like to do, if you can do some of the work."
She looked at him, startled, then fell onto the couch and put her arms around him. "I'll do anything you want," she said softly, "if you're sure you're up to it."
Jack pulled her close and kissed her slowly and sensuously, ignoring the fact that his head was spinning and he felt faint. It had been weeks - maybe months - since they'd made love. Between the vomiting and the weakness and the dizziness and the pain, he hadn't even wanted to. The long series of tests had not helped, either.
When they broke the kiss, Beverly asked, "Shall we go to the bedroom?"
He nodded, and she helped him down the hall to the bed. "Let me do that," she said as he started to unfasten his pajamas.
Looking rather embarrassed, he lay down and allowed her to do everything. "This part doesn't seem to be tired," she observed with a grin. He just smiled, unable to think about anything but the sensations she was producing.
"Oh, my sweet Bev," he murmured, his eyes closed. "I love you so much. I wish we could stay like this forever."
She moved slowly, not wanting to overwhelm him. "I love you, too, Jack," she whispered, caressing his cheek.
When it was over, his head sagged against the pillow. "Sweet Bev," he murmured again, as the fatigue overtook him. For a long time she didn't move, then she lay down beside him to nap.
The next afternoon, Beverly Crusher came home to find Jack curled up on his side in bed, the covers half off. One look told her he was dead, but she had to touch him, to be sure. His body felt ice-cold.
She allowed herself five minutes for grief, burying her head in the bedclothes and sobbing wildly. Then she quietly stood up, straightening her coat, and wiped away the tears so she could deal with the necessary details.
Three weeks later, after she realized she was definitely pregnant, Beverly discreetly scheduled an appointment with the district eugenics officer to request an abortion. She told no one but her colleagues in the laboratory, who knew better than to question Doctor Beverly.
That same day, Jean-Luc Picard returned. He had heard about Jack's illness and death, but had been unable to return until the Stargazer quelled the uprising on Omicron VI. As soon as he reached the city, he went to the laboratory to find Beverly.
As he walked down the hall, he heard someone ask, "Has Beverly Crusher had her abortion yet?"
Picard froze in his tracks, waiting for the reply. An abortion? Beverly?
"Yes," came the reply. "She had it two hours ago; I saw her returning to her lab. She was only a few weeks along, you know."
The conversation turned to other topics, but he waited a few moments before continuing past the door. The researchers saw him and saluted. He returned the salute and said, "Just visiting Beverly."
They nodded, smirking a bit - everyone (except Jack) had known about her affair with Jean-Luc Picard. Most of them envied her.
When he reached the lab, he was glad to see that she was alone. She looked rather pale, but quite normal for a woman whose husband had died less than a month before.
"Jean-Luc!" she exclaimed, rushing to embrace him. "I'm so glad you finally got back. I've really missed you, especially since - since Jack died." She bit her lower lip and looked away.
Picard turned her face towards him and kissed her tenderly. "I'm very sorry, Beverly."
"Well," she said, looking down. "I'll be all right."
"And how are you feeling this morning?"
She looked at him curiously. "I'm all right," she repeated.
"I mean, after your abortion?"
She stared at him for awhile, then asked in a low voice, "How did you find out?"
"I overheard the scuttlebutt. Beverly, why did you have an abortion?"
She turned away, unable to meet his gaze.
"Was it someone else's baby?"
Startled, she turned back, shaking her head vehemently. "No, Jean-Luc. There hasn't been anyone else besides you. It was definitely Jack's baby, although we only had sex once after he became ill."
"Then why, Bev?" he demanded. "Jack is dead now; he's gone. Didn't you want - well, didn't you want something to remember him by?
There was something like fire in her eyes as she gazed straight at him. "No, I didn't, Jean," she told him, her voice edgy. "Now that Jack is gone, the rebellion will gradually fall apart. His influence was all that kept it together the last few months, with the riots and the executions. We can't let any more people die! Especially not the children. Think of the children, Jean-Luc. We can't let them be raised in labor camps or tortured and executed.
She shook her head violently. "Jack just didn't understand. I miss him, of course," she said quickly, seeing the expression on Picard's face. "But you know as well as I do that the Empire will be better off once the democratic movement has been squelched." She sighed deeply, then raised a hand as Picard started to speak. "Wait, Jean-Luc, I'm not finished. A baby would only tie me down, and besides, it would give the movement something to rally round, knowing Jack had a child. I must think of the Empire, and not just my own feelings."
Picard took her in his arms, and she began to sob. She was probably right - and he was certainly glad to learn that she was still loyal to the Empire. There had been a few times he thought she'd been convinced by Jack's persuasive rhetoric. She obviously had a lot of determination, and no doubt, she would be a powerful ally in the future.
Beverly finished her story with a sigh, then turned to look at Amanda. "What's the matter?" she asked, startled.
Amanda was staring at the doctor, her mouth open in disbelief. "Did you really kill him?" she whispered.
"Yes, I did. I have the nanites ready at all times - I never know when I might need them - and they leave no traces. Jack was the first person I used them on, but he wasn't the last.
Amanda stood and began to back up slowly, her eyes wide. "You didn't - you didn't give me any, did you?"
"No, of course not," said Beverly, surprised. "I like you, Amanda. I like you a lot."
"But you liked Jack, too. You even loved him. You said so."
"That was different. I had to kill him. It was for the good of everyone. Besides, we need you. As a Q, you can be a real help to us."
Amanda shook her head. "The Dr. Crusher I know wouldn't have done that. She didn't even want to kill a Borg, no matter how much good it would have done."
"I don't understand," Crusher said, her voice suddenly cold. "What do you mean?"
"I wanted to stay here," Amanda said sadly. "I wanted to be your daughter. Without Wesley, everything would have been wonderful. But you're different. All the things that I loved about you are gone." She turned slightly and raised her voice. "Q! I want to go home now!"
Q appeared beside Amanda and took her hand. "So soon?" he asked, his voice silky. "I thought you said you liked it here."
"I do - or did," Amanda replied tearfully. "But she's not - she doesn't - take me back now, Q."
"As you wish," he agreed, and in a flash, they were gone.
Not far away - or maybe farther than we can imagine - Beverly Crusher slept, and dreamed. Her dream was full of sadness and disappointment, and when she woke, she wept.