Mass Effect Abridged
Prologue: Her name is Shepard
In the year 2148, explorers on Mars drunkenly stumbled upon the remains of an ancient spacefaring civilization. The artifacts that weren't destroyed during the mosh-pit revealed technology that allowed travel to the farthest stars by means of warping the fabric of space much like putting a spoon in the microwave. They called it the greatest discovery in human history. However, the civilizations of the galaxy just face-palmed and declared 'there goes the neighborhood.'
Now, in the year 2183:
The obnoxious cat-calls from the male crew members of the space vessel Normandy SR1 could be heard echoing through the halls as Commander Jane Shepard made her way to the bridge. She had become used to them after spending so long in the Alliance Military, but was more concerned with trying to keep the outrageously skin-tight female combat uniform from riding up her ass. Between that and the heeled-combat boots it was a wonder that she could walk at all, and by the time she reached the bridge, the ship's pilot was already dropping out of FTL. Everyone jumped a little as a small satellite shattered against the view screen, but then everything was good as they came to a stop. At the helm was the pilot, Joker, who was joined by a Taurian named Nihlus, and another human named Kaiden, who was tragically born without a personality.
"Well, we're here and we didn't die." Nihlus said. "Pretty good for a human."
"No, beating Mike Tyson's Punch-out in one try is good." Joker replied. "I just flew us half way across the galaxy and even had time to notify maintenance about that Anaconda in the air ducts."
Suddenly there was a horrific scream from behind, and they all turned around just in time to see a maintenance worker's legs vanish into an air duct.
"Oh – knew I forgot something." Joker continued. "Anyway, I just made this jump like a frickin boss, and you should all bow before me and sing your praise to the greatest pilot to ever exist. Anytime you're ready."
"Greatest pilot, huh?" Nihlus asked. "Well, I'm a Council Spectre. That means I could throw you on the ground and rape you in front of all these people, and no one would save you because I'm above the law. Now ask me out on a date – and do it like I'm a sexy girl."
Joker nervously looked at everyone else around the room, and back at the still waiting Nihlus. He then cleared his throat and fidgeted around in his chair for a second before nervously beginning to talk.
"No!" Nihlus interrupted before he could say anything. "I would never go out with you! Because you're a loser – and I'm a sexy girl!"
With that, Nihlus turned around and stomped angrily away from the bridge, leaving Joker relieved yet very confused at the same time.
"I really hate that guy." He said.
"Maybe you're just not his type." Kaiden suggested. "You know, I just snort Zoloft when I get rejected – and during my lunch break – and right before bed."
"You guys all just need to relax." Shepard said. "Kaiden – you suck at life – and Joker, the real reason you're mad is because Captain Anderson wouldn't get you a shake when he had you pick him up a Happy Meal."
"Where the fuck is my toy, Joker?!" Anderson's voice demanded on the intercom. "There is supposed to be a God damn Transformers action figure in each McDonalds Happy meal, which means either I got ripped off, or you took my toy for your own usage! Either way, someone's going out the airlock for this!"
A quick alarm sounded throughout the ship, and a few seconds later everyone gasped as a crewmember floated past the view screen while going through rapid decompression. The alarm stopped once the imploded corpse was out of sight, and then the intercom crackled again.
"I feel a lot better now." Anderson's voice continued. "Commander Shepard, meet me in the briefing room – and tell Joker that my missing toy is coming right out of his allowance."
"Aw, man." Joker whined as the intercom went dead. "Why the hell does everyone always blame me when these things happen?"
"I'd rather know why female armor is so damn tight." Shepard replied as she tried again to adjust the suit. "It's bad enough I'm walking around in a form-fitting cat suit, but it's like they purposely made it two sizes too small."
"Oh, that's just to give fan-boys a charge." Kaiden explained. "You know, the same reason why the camera zooms in on your ass if you move it as far down as possible."
Shepard looked at him as if she were confused, but then shrugged and started walking away from the bridge. The briefing room was only a short distance from there, past the command center and oversized galaxy map, but she was interrupted as an older balding officer with grey hair stepped into her path.
"Well, if it isn't our lovely First Officer." He said. "I still can't believe the Alliance is allowing women to be in command positions. Daddy isn't coming back no matter how rebellious or promiscuous you are, so why don't you just find yourself a man?"
"Why, have you seen one around here, Presley?" Shepard asked. "Anything you can do, I can do backwards and in heels – some of which are larger than your dick, I might add. Now step off before I turn your wife into a lesbian. Oh, wait – I already did. You mad, bro?"
Presley stood there for a few seconds as if trying to come up with something to say back to that, but instead huffed loudly as he walked away. This allowed Shepard to continue toward the briefing room where Nihlus was standing in front of the view screen, looking at the image of a planet.
"Shhh, enter quietly." He whispered as she joined him. "To stalk a prey such as this requires perfect stealth, and as a Spectre one must always be on the lookout for danger around every corner."
He then balled up his fist and punched her in the ear, quickly turning back to the screen before she could look at him.
"Ow!" Shepard yelled as she put her hand on her ear. "Did you just punch me in the ear?!"
"No." He replied innocently. "Don't be ridiculous."
Shepard rubbed her ear for a second before turning back to the view screen, only to cry out in surprise as Nihlus did it again. This time she kicked him in the shin, making him groan and hop on one foot as Captain Anderson walked into the room.
"What the hell is going on in here?" He demanded as he walked up to them.
"He punched me in the ear, Captain." Shepard replied. "Twice."
"I did no such thing." Nihlus said while showing fake surprise. "Captain, I'm afraid that your First Officer is unstable; symptoms include being an emotional train wreck, and a strong tendency to cause trouble."
"Ah, Female Hysteria, is it?" The Captain replied. "Shepard, I thought I told you to get that under control. Honestly, if I wanted to spend all day with a woman who is emotionally unstable, I'd stay home with my wife."
"I heard that." Nihlus said.
They did a high-five and started laughing, while Shepard did her best to tune-out the several minutes of chauvinistic jokes and stories that followed. Eventually they calmed down enough to be understood, so she started listening again.
"So she says; that was my sister, you idiot." Anderson finished. "Anyhow, sexual conquests aside, I have good news for you, Shepard: Humanity is trying to become a more imposing force in the galaxy, and to do that we are trying to get one of us admitted into the Spectres. Not only were you the sole survivor of what happened on Akuze, even though I think you just hid until the danger passed, but you are also the main character of this story, so we forwarded your name."
"And that's why I'm here." Nihlus added as he put his arm around her. "Today's mission will be the first of several where I evaluate you, and just so you know – it wouldn't hurt your chances any if you just happened to show up at my quarters tonight with a bottle of Brandy and wearing nothing but a smile. I'm just saying."
"Gee, thanks Nihlus." Shepard said as she stepped away from him. "But I think I'd rather masturbate with a cheese-grater. So what is the actual mission out here?"
Anderson started to say something, but was interrupted as one of the buttons near the view screen started beeping. So he pushed it, and the screen changed to show a group of human soldiers under attack by unknown forces. One of them tried to say something, but only the words Eden Prime could be understood before there was a flash of light, resulting in the camera rolling across the ground. It came to a stop facing upward, and there was a quick image of a gigantic ship that looked like a purple giant squid hovering in the air before the transmission cut off.
"What the hell was that?" Shepard asked.
"It was the call to adventure, that's what!" Nihlus yelled. "This is way better than that bullshit mission we came out here to do, so set course for Eden Prime!"
"Yes!" Anderson added. "Joker set course for Eden Prime. We're going to dive into the unknown horrors with no idea what's going on, and emerge victorious like in that movie Black Hawk Down!"
"They weren't victorious in that movie." Shepard argued. "That had to be the most poorly planned operation in human history, and they got their asses kicked because they sent in like ten guys against a city filled with 50,000 screaming Somolians."
Anderson and Nihlus just looked at her for a second.
"Shepard, what did I tell you about that Female Hysteria?" Anderson asked. "Besides, they don't even have Somolians on Eden Prime, so just do what the men tell you and everything will be alright."
He then patted her on the head before exiting the room with Nihlus, leaving Shepard alone to fight off the headache caused by their ignorance.