Hello friends! Ok so this Koy fic is not going to be fluffy like my other ones are. In fact this really isn't happy at all. Still, I'm quite proud of it. It was originally a songfic but because of rules I have taken out the lyrics. The song that inspired this was Whiskey Lullaby.
Disclaimer: I do not own Young Justice or any of its awesome characters, they are the creations of Greg Weidman. I receive no money for this, I wrote it for fun.
Warnings: This fic contains Koy (Kaldur/Roy). If you don't agree with this then please leave in peace. It also contains drinking to get rid of feelings and suicide. These do not reflect my own personal beliefs.
Alright now that that's all out of the why, on to the story!
It was finally over. Five years of deceptions, masks and pain all leading to a final, decisive battle. Through the explosions, the bloodshed and injuries Kaldur had somehow made it through with only a few broken ribs, a shattered arm and a heavy heart. The Light was destroyed, its members either in custody, dead or hiding. A great feat that came at a great price.
Kaldur was no longer welcome in Atlantis and the team could not get over what he had to do to welcome him back. Not quite yet. He hardly recognized them anyway, neither was he the same man they once new. He was stained. He was broken… no bent. Just badly bent.
He still had hope because he still had Roy. He had promised to wait for him, to help him mend his heart and soul for they would surely be damaged. That's just what happened when one goes undercover as he did, for as long as he did.
So, freshly released from the infirmary he stood before the archer's apartment door, stark white cast contrasting violently in its dark sling that rests on his deep blue jacket. Using his old key he had kept with him throughout the years he went to open the door when he heard hushed arguing.
"Listen, we have to stop this!" that was Roy, his hushed voice sounding both pleading and firm somehow. "You and I both know it was a mistake made by two lonely idiots." Brows creased, he tried to stop his hand from fumbling with the keys, cursing the fact that he broke his dominate arm.
"It's not that simple anymore Roy!" That sounded like Cheshire. His stomach turned with a feeling of dread as he finally got the key in the lock and twisted it.
"And why the hell not? We both know that there was no emotion in anything we did!" He opened the door just in time to see the young assassin turn to face Roy and throw up her hands.
"Because I'm pregnant!" She yelled and then gasped, covering her mouth as she saw the familiar figure in the doorway. Roy quickly turned, his eyes meeting pale green ones wide with disbelief. As soon as Kaldur saw the guilt in those blue orbs there was no doubting what happened. His hope and happiness had abandoned him. Betrayed him for a night or two of loveless pleasure.
Before he even realized he had moved Kaldur found himself out on the sidewalk nearly running away from that apartment, fighting a losing battle with his tears. He could hear the archer calling desperately after him but he could not bring himself to care. Eventually the other man caught up to him, grabbing his arm to turn him around. Kaldur yanked his arm away as if the touch burned.
"Don't you dare touch me." Kaldur spoke in a hiss as he glared at the other, eyes overflowing with hurt and betrayal. A lone tear escaping down his cheek was quickly wiped away with his free arm.
Roy flinched and backed off a bit, regret radiating from his being.
"Please Kaldur, let me explain. I…"
"Explain what?!" Kaldur interrupted, the anger and pain causing his voice to crack. "What could you possibly say to me to make right what has been done?!"
Kaldur felt as if his world was crumbling around him. Everything that had kept him going through his years under, his motivation to make sure he made it through his mission so that he could have his happy ending, was gone now. He was too jaded, too broken- yes broken- to find it in himself to forgive this. That hopeful future was no longer in their grasp. He knew it and he knew Roy knew it as well. Especially as he heard his next words.
With silent tears on his cheeks, Roy looked into Kaldur's pain filled eyes.
"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry Kaldur." It was a whispered prayer for forgiveness that could not be given and the acknowledgment of something forever lost.
His own battle with tears finally lost, Kaldur let out a choked sob and covered his eyes with his hand. He took a moment to gather himself.
"Ya…" He finally said letting his hand fell from eyes now bordered with red. "Ya, I am sorry too."
With that Kaldur left, never looking back to the one he still loved more than his own life despite everything. And Roy let him, witching the best thing that had ever walk into his life walk right back out of it. Once he could no longer see the other man, he slowly made his way back to his apartment to face the consequences of his decisions.
With nowhere to go and no more help from his king to provide himself with a home, Kaldur got a job bartending, making just enough to afford a small apartment downtown and keep food on the table. His pride kept him from accepting his friends help and the painful memories they brought up made him push them away. Seeing them brought up visions of hanging out in Roy's first apartment, of the accepting looks and congratulatory words given when Roy had left him blushing from a heated kiss, his way of coming out to them. They reminded him of the sly looks and innuendos thrown his way the day after he was caught by Robin sneaking into the cave in the early hours of the morning looking thoroughly debauched.
It wasn't just his old friends though; everything seemed reminded him of Roy and what they once had. From every lonely night that at one time would have been filled with cheap take-out, cheaper beer and sarcastic chatter to every rowdy young man and redhead that showed up in the bar.
His dreams tortured him with happy memories of what had been and could have been, when they weren't nightmares of his time under. He was so sick of the reminders and the pain. So sick of still loving a man that had taken his heart and carelessly thrown it away. Yet no matter what Kaldur did, no matter how much he worked or how many bitching sessions he had with Artemis, he could not forget Roy.
That's when the drinking started.
Kaldur found that if he drank enough Roy's memories got fuzzy and the pain dulled. It didn't take much at first, just a beer or two at a time could give him relief. If he had a beer in him the things that use to bring painful reminders were fun again. He started to get back in touch with the old team and even tried a date or two, though they were forced upon him by Artemis and required a few more drinks.
Eventually they noticed the alcohol on his breath every time he come over to M'gann and Conner's house for dinner or came to a cookout at Nightwing's. He would never be drunk but it still worried them. They tried to be with him more often, to make him laugh or get him to talk. The last one always ended in a fight and more alcohol. In the end it really didn't matter what they did, it didn't matter how much they tried to help. They still ended up watching him spiral down.
Because when beer could no longer drown out the memories Kaldur had to turn to something stronger to keep the pain it bay. Eventually whisky was the only thing that could give him peace. Soon almost every night was spent in a drunken stupor just to keep the memories away.
But soon enough the sadness and loss seeped through the whiskey fog. No matter how drunk he got he could not get Roy out of his head. His smile, his laugh, they way he would wake Kaldur up with soft gentle kisses whenever he was able to stay over, these memories just refused to be drowned any longer. And they hurt. They hurt Kaldur so damn much that some nights they brought him to his knees, shaking from noiseless sobs. And each time this happened it got harder and harder to rise back up in the morning.
And then he just had enough.
He was done feeling this sadness, this heartbreak that refused to lesson even after all this time. He was done with the memories of a happy life, with the reminders of what will never be.
So he would put an end to the pain in the most permanent way he knew.
With shaky legs and the world dizzy and blurred before him, Kaldur stumbled his way into his room and opened his bedside table's drawer. Reaching in he grabbed a pen, a notebook and the revolver he had gotten when his water-bearers were taken away.
Finishing his message he looked at the gun, disturbingly calm in the face of what he was to do. For a moment, he had the urge to set it back down, to rethink his decision. But choosing to live meant choosing a life where he would never feel Roy's arms around him again and he could not bear that thought any longer.
Mind made Kaldur firmly griped the gun. Steadily he brought it up and pushed the cool metal to his temple. He closed his eyes flowing with tears against a world that could only offer him pain. He took a deep breath and squeezed.
In that moment Kaldur was finally free.
Artemis was the one who found him the next morning. She had this sinking feeling that she had to go check up on him. As soon as she saw Kaldur's body strewn awkwardly on his bed, gun in hand and pillow soaked in blood she knew she was too late. Still, she couldn't help but to cradle the blonds' body in her arms and beg for this not to be. Beg for her friend to come back and see the beauty that life could still offer. But it all fell to deaf ears and so she did the only thing she could think of in her dazed and saddened mind. She called Nightwing, because if anyone would know what to do he would. It was then that she saw the note.
The service was held a few days later and was absolutely beautiful. It was done on a grassy hill far away from any sign of civilization, where you could see the ocean. Kaldur had always loved this spot. He had told them that the grass was as soft as feathers and the ocean breeze was always warm and gentle, like a loving caress. But the thing he had liked the most was the great willow whose flowing branches always reminded him of seaweed.
As Roy looked at the scenery he was reminded of another reason why Kaldur had loved this place so. This is the place where Roy told Kaldur he loved him. The young Atlantean, in his late teens at the time, had been so happy he actually shed tears and had graced Roy with a smile so radiant it outshone the sun. The memory ripped a sob from his throat and he fell to his knees before the polished marble.
Roy of course was not invited to the funeral and so had come the day after and was alone. He was just thankful that any hate and anger that was felt over this was only ever aimed at him or Cheshire, never Lian.
As he sat there before the cold stone Roy noticed the sound of soft footfalls. He looked behind him to see Artemis, her face decidedly angry and her eyes brimming with sadness and a touch of pity.
"Here," she thrust her hand forward, a note clasped in it tightly, "He left it for you." She turned and started to walk away only to stop after a few steps and look back at him.
"I don't think I'll ever forgive you for what you did…but I know you still love him. So, I am sorry." She then turned and made her way back to her car.
Roy opened the letter with trembling hands. As he read, the only thing he could find it in him to do was weep. Weep and curse to the heavens above for what he had done.
'Roy,
I have been through too much pain to be able to forgive or to move on. So I decided to let go. I love you with all my heart and soul.
Kaldur'
After that day at Kaldur's grave Roy could hardly look at himself in the mirror without feeling disgust. He knew he was to blame for Kaldur's death and there was so much he could have done differently to stop it. He had robed the world of one of its best long before the man's suicide.
The only thing that got him out of bed was his daughter. She was his only light left in the world and for her he put on his best, most extravagant masks. For her he forced smiles and laughter. But as the years flew by, the pain became more and more unbearable. And as Lian became an independent young adult, Roy needed something extra to stave off the memories and the regret.
Really how much harm could a tumbler or two of whisky do every here and there?
Roy always made sure that he never got drunk, for Lian's sake. But as soon as she left for college and the memories and regret came back so much stronger, he didn't have to be so careful. As long as he worked hard enough to help her get through school and didn't worry her by not calling he could spend as many nights as he wanted with that nice familiar buzz that blurred his troubles.
As long as Lian never found out.
For years he was able to contain his secret, drinking himself stupid in order to drown out the ghost of his past. But a slip up did eventually come on a cold winter night when his daughter had decided to drop by for a surprise visit.
She had been so angry with him and, after giving him a piece of her mind and dumping the rest of the alcohol in the house, went to Aunt Artemis's house to vent. It was there that she learned of Kaldur, and her dad's greatest mistake.
She had pleaded with him to get help. Begged him to stop his destructive path and ensured him that he could get through the pain.
So Roy tried. He tried so damn hard but without the whiskey all he could see reminded him of the wonderful person he had pushed away and lost. In the end, it was the one thing he could not do for his beloved daughter. And it tore them apart.
The fallout with Lian just made the drinking worse. He had nothing left to pretend for and was left alone to fight off his regret in the only way he knew. There was hardly a moment now when he didn't have whiskey in him and yet the hurt seemed to grow.
No matter how drunk he got the memories would not leave him. He would see Kaldur in his peripherals, hear his laughter echoing in his head and he just could not take it anymore.
It brought him to his knees and he just could not get back on his feet.
Not this time, nor every again.
He left a tearstained note for his baby girl, apologizing and begging forgiveness but explaining that he had held on as long as he could take. He loved her so much but he just couldn't go on. Then he swallowed a whole bottle of sleeping pills, chased them down with half a bottle of whiskey and headed to his room.
The drowsiness came quicker than he thought it would as he got himself comfortable on his bed. He had no thoughts of backing out and no regrets for this decision. He had given his daughter a good childhood and now she was a strong young woman who had tones of people on her side. She would be fine and he would always watch over her, just in a different way now.
As his eyes started to droop, Roy saw something on his bedside table that he wanted to look at one last time. He struggled to lift his heavy arm up to grab it and then brought it closer so his blurred vision could see. Roy then smiled through his tears and cradled it to his chest.
"I'm coming." Roy whispered to the empty room.
He closed his eyes and let himself be taken off into oblivion.
When Nightwing found him, his first thought was to thank whatever deity was up there that it was him not Lian. He then made his way over to the body and laid his hand on the graying hair as if to confirm that it was real. Still in shock he simply looked over one of his oldest friends body's and noticed something in his hand.
It took a good tug to get it and once he saw what it was, tears started to slowly fall.
It was an old picture of Kaldur. He looked to be about 18 and had on a scarf and a jacket. There was a clump of snow in his hair, most likely from a snowball, and he was aiming an indulgent smile at the camera. Yet that wasn't really what got Nightwing. What really got to him was the look of pure adoration and love that radiated from his pale green eyes. It was no mystery who had thrown that snowball or who was behind the camera.
Nightwing looked back to Roy's body only to notice that he had a smile on his lips.
"You were fools, both of you." He said with no malice, than gave a small watery smile. "I hope you're together again. I think you have put yourself through enough pain for a lifetime." He then left to make the calls he really didn't want to.
The day of Roy's funeral was as beautiful as Kaldur's had been. There had been many mourners but in the end only Lian was left in the noontime shadow of the willow. Her tears had stopped for a moment as she put her hand on her father's grave.
"I'm mad at you," she started, voice wavering only slightly, "and I'm gunna be made at you for a while. But I will find it in myself to forgive you one day, because I know now how much pain you were in." A few tears slipped from her eyes as she pulled her hand away and stepped back.
"I still love you though, and I'm going to miss you daddy." She took a deep breath to calm herself before she finished what she had to say. "I hope you're with him, with Kaldur. I hope you're happy."
Lian started to walk away but was compelled to stop and look back when a strong breeze shot through her hair. Her eyes widened with what she saw.
There, by his grave, a slightly transparent image of her father as a teenager stood dressed in a white T-shirt and jeans. He looked at her with an apologetic smile and waved goodbye. A new batch of tears falling from her eyes, Lian lifted a shaky hand to wave back.
Her father seemed to hear something from behind the willow and turned to look with wide eyes. Lian glanced over in time to see a barefooted dark skinned teen in light, loose fitting clothing step out from behind the tree and smile at Roy. Lian knew then exactly who he was and she smiled as she watched her father run over to Kaldur and engulfed him in a loving embrace. She then watched them slowly fade away, a huge smile plastered on each of their faces.
And so she smiled too as she left, even though it still hurt. Roy may love her more than anything on this Earth, but his heart had always belonged to Kaldur. Now they were together forever with no more pain or remorse. If she was going to be happy about anything, she would be happy for that.
How's that for your daily dose of angst. If anyone was wondering, I did in fact cry when I wrote this T.T. Anyway, please leave a review! Constructive criticism is always welcome!