A Deeper Hurt
"Colonel!"
"Carter, get outta here! Run!"
"I won't leave without you!"
0o0
"The pillar . . . Sam, watch out!"
"Major Carter, can you hear me? Major Carter!"
0o0
"Medical team to the gate room!"
"Sam? If you can hear me, you're gonna be fine, okay?"
". . . the colonel . . ."
"Just fine . . ."
0o0
"She's in de-fib!"
"Charge to 200!"
"Clear!"
0o0
"Sam, I don't know if you can hear me, but you're gonna pull through this—I know you will."
0o0
". . . Skull fractures . . . shoulder, broken pelvis . . . legs—I'm still afraid . . . spinal damage . . ."
0o0
A faint consciousness permeated the darkness of the woman's mind. Slowly—ever so slowly—the eyelids opened. Their owner vaguely wondered where she was.
"Janet . . . Janet! She's awake!" a far-sounding voice exclaimed. Major Samantha Carter slowly shifted her gaze towards the sound. A blurry apparition that looked suspiciously like Daniel turned to face her. "What is going on?" her mind formed the question but it didn't reach her lips. She felt tired and . . . drugged.
"Sam?" a fuzzy image looking very much like Janet appeared beside her. "Can you hear me?"
"Ja-an?" she murmured, her lips barely moving, confusion showing through her crystal blue eyes. Janet let out a relief sigh.
"She's gonna be alright," she said, nearly laughing for joy, to Daniel and Teal'c, who was just out of Sam's current range of vision. The red-head turned back to her patient. "You're in the infirmary," she explained. "We were afraid we were going to lose you." As her sight became more focused, Sam looked about the room.
"Da-Daniel?" she began, her gaze resting upon the archaeologist.
"Yeah, Sam?" the man stepped closer to the bed.
"Daniel," she asked, her voice scarcely louder than a whisper, "wh-where's the colonel? What happ'ned t'him?" Her words slurred together despite her effort to speak clearly. Daniel crossed his arms and diverted his gaze, his lips pressed in a thin line.
"Sam," Janet interjected, gently caressing her friend's cheek. "I need you to rest now."
"But . . ."
"Doctor's orders," she insisted, casting a look at the blonde's teammates. The two men caught the hint and left the room. Sam continued to gaze at Janet for a moment before her eyelids gradually fell shut. Dr. Frasier solemnly checked her vitals before leaving the room, wishing with all her heart that there was happier answer to the woman's question.
0o0o0
"Hey," Dr. Daniel Jackson greeted his friend as he entered the infirmary. "How are you feeling?" His blue eyes were pensive behind his ever-present glasses.
"Like I've been on large doses of painkiller," Sam answered softly, a small smile playing her lips. "Janet told me I was out for nearly six weeks."
"Yeah," the archaeologist said. "We were really worried for awhile there—we thought we might lose you."
"You forget how tough I am," she joked, and then grew somber. "Daniel, where's Colonel O'Neill? What happened to him?"
"Ah . . . you should really be resting," he told her awkwardly. "I'll let you get back to sleep." He started towards the door.
"Daniel—wait," the major protested weakly. "Please, I've been awake for almost three days and no one's told me anything. I have to know . . ." He studied her for a moment. A white bandage still encircled her cranium and her legs, he knew, were still in braces, if not casts. His teeth worried his lower lip for a moment before he finally relented.
"Alright, you probably remember that we were exploring the ruins on P5C-667 when we were attacked by Jaffa, right?" he began.
"Uh-huh," she nodded her head.
"On our way to the gate, Jack fell back to lay cover fire so we could put more distance between us, but he fell too far behind . . ."
"And more Jaffa joined the first and started to surround him."
"Yeah. He told us to run."
"I wasn't about to leave him," she murmured, the scene flashing through her mind.
"Teal'c and I were almost to the gate when we realized the two of you weren't behind us. We ran back and one of the pillars was starting to crumble—it must've been hit by a staff blast—and you were right next to it. I, uh, I tried to warn you but it was too late and a chunk landed on top of you . . ."
"What happened to the colonel?" she asked wistfully.
"Jack was," Daniel halted a moment before finishing. "We couldn't help him—he was taken. We're still searching."
"Oh, god, no . . ." Sam whispered, mostly to herself, as tears stung her eyes.
"Sam," he started.
"No," she interrupted. "You're right—I need to rest." She turned her head away and squeezed her eyes tightly shut to halt the tears. Daniel paused for a moment.
"Sam, it's not your fault," he said softly. "We'll find him." He rested a hand on the bed for a second before finally leaving the room. The woman let out a choked sob. She had failed. She had failed and now her commanding officer was in enemy hands.
"Sam?" Janet set her clipboard aside as she entered to find her friend in tears. "Sam, what's the matter?" the doctor asked, gently putting a hand on her shoulder, her face masked with concern.
"I hurt . . ." Sam cried. And it was entirely true.
0o0o0
Two or so weeks later
"Teal'c!" blond-haired Major Samantha Carter exclaimed in relief as the Jaffa entered. "Maybe you can help me out—I need to get to my lab, but Janet won't let me leave. I thought maybe you could help me convince her."
"Dr. Frasier says that you are in need of therapy," Teal'c intoned.
"Therapy?" she repeated. "Oh, come on—the sooner I get out of here, the sooner I can help find the colonel. That's all the therapy I need."
"If only that were true," Janet Frasier said as she entered the room. "Unfortunately, the muscles in your legs have begun to atrophy, not to mention the fact that they've had to heal from several major breaks."
"You think I can't walk?" the proud air force officer was incredulous. "Janet, I sure I've been through worse."
"I doubt you have," Janet told her. "Sam, a couple weeks ago you had difficulty sitting up. We had to perform two separate surgeries to get your legs put back together. It's not going to be easy."
"I don't want to hear that," Sam said. "I can't just sit here—I couldn't keep Colonel O'Neill from being captured, the least I can do is help find him." The doctor gave her a sad smile.
"Not this time, Sam." The blonde stubbornly threw back the covers, revealing her braced legs which she promptly threw over the side of the bed. "Sam, you shouldn't . . ." Janet warned, stepping forward to apprehend her.
"Stay back, Janet," Sam commanded, something burning in her eyes. Reluctantly, her friend obeyed. She braced one arm against a chair and the other on the bed before shifting her weight to her legs. Before she had even truly stood, SG-1's second in command collapsed on the floor, pulling the chair down with her. Several expletives and a cry of pain escaped her lips as Janet let her lay there for a moment in a helpless heap.
"Teal'c," the woman needed to say nothing more to obtain the Jaffa's assistance. Gently, he untangled his teammate from the chair and returned her to the bed. Sam cradled her head between her hands as she began to cry in frustration. "It's okay," Janet soothed.
"No, it's not!" Sam burst. "God, Janet, I can't even help myself—how am I to be any good to anyone?" Janet gently brushed a strand of hair from her friend's face.
"By getting better," she answered softly.
0o0o0
"You're doing good, Major. Now try just one more step . . . good! Wh—wait," the therapist frowned as Sam half-lowered herself and half fell to the mat under the parallel therapy bars. "Major, you were doing . . ."
" 'So well!' " she finished for him. "You've been saying that for the past three days, doctor, and I can hardly take two steps!"
"With respect, Major Carter, you can't give up," the man told her, putting an arm around her torso and helping her back to her feet. "I'm trying to help you."
"You want to help me?" she asked.
"I do," he answered.
"Then inform me the moment Dr. Jackson and Teal'c return," she responded coldly, pulling away from him and lowering herself into the nearby wheelchair.
"But, Major, we just got started!" he called after her. He dropped his arms in defeat—he'd never had such a difficult patient.
0o0o0
Sam's Lab
"Major Carter?" The woman looked up at the young man standing in the doorway.
"Yes, airman?" she said.
"The search team has returned," he told her, somewhat hesitantly. "They still haven't found Colonel O'Neill."
"Thank you," she nodded for him to leave and after saluting respectfully, he did so. She wheeled a little closer to the center table before dropping her head into her hands. Silently, she sat like that for a moment until a fit of rage surged through her and using both arms, she swept a third of the table's contents onto the floor.
"So, I take it you've heard?" Daniel had entered the room from behind her.
"Yeah," she responded, drawing in a deep breath.
"Sam, it's not your fault," the man told her for what must've been the hundredth time. "You can't keep blaming yourself."
"Why not?" she exclaimed in frustration. "Daniel, I was second in command, I should've prevented him from being caught—we never leave a man behind!"
"And you tried, but you couldn't save him, not that time. We will find him."
"We?" she repeated, tears stinging her eyes. "Look at me, Daniel—I can't even help myself, let alone the colonel." In all truth the blonde was behaving quite childishly and Daniel had finally grown tired of it.
"Whose fault is that?" he asked suddenly. "Dr. Kasson says you hardly even try to make any progress—you can learn to walk again, same as before, there's no reason for you to-to stay in a wheelchair the rest of your life. Giving up on yourself will not bring Jack back. You're just punishing yourself for something you had no control over."
"You're not military," Sam told him stubbornly, "I don't expect you to understand."
"You don't mean that," Daniel contradicted.
"Damn it, Daniel! Just leave me alone!" she cried impetuously, grabbing a folder and throwing it at him. The archaeologist stepped back in surprise. He couldn't have been more stunned or looked more hurt had she have thrown a brick at him. His mouth moved to say something but nothing came out. Finally, he quietly left the room.
"Daniel, wait," the major turned to look over her shoulder, but he was already gone. Dropping her head to the bare tabletop, she pounded the table with one fist while the other grasped a handful of hair.
0o0o0
In the corridor, a day or two later
"Dr. Frasier, if Major Carter doesn't start trying soon, her condition will become uncorrectable. She doesn't even seem to realize that she's given up on herself," Sam's physical therapist was telling the red-haired doctor.
"I know," Janet responded grimly.
"Well, maybe you can reason with her," Dr. Kasson suggested. "She won't listen to me, but you're her friend and she respects you."
"I can try, but I'm not sure it will do any good," she replied. "She still blames herself for Colonel O'Neill's capture. So far, no one's been able to convince her otherwise. Good luck." She added the last part as they parted company and Dr. Kasson went in to work with his patient. The woman sat in a wheelchair close to the parallel bars.
"Good morning," he greeted. "Alright, how about we get started over here with some simple leg exercises . . ."
"I can't," Sam muttered quietly.
"I beg your pardon?"
"I can't do it, so what's the point?" she repeated, blinking back tears of frustration.
"Major Carter," he said pulling up a chair and sitting beside her. "Your legs were broken in multiple places and they required surgery to put them back together—you're not going to regain full function overnight. But the fact is, you can regain that function and you'll be able to do everything you could before."
"Then why is it so hard?" she demanded through gritted teeth. He put a hand on her shoulder.
"The answer to that, Major, has very little to do with your legs," he told her, rising to his feet. "Shall we begin?"
0o0o0
"Unauthorized off-world activation!" Sergeant Harriman announced over the base coms the next morning. Sam had been helping to work a small bug out of the system when the gate began to spin into action.
"Who is it?" General Hammond asked as he entered the room.
"It's the Tok'ra, sir," Carter answered for Walter before continuing with what she'd been doing. Her fingers sped over the keyboard. Walter looked over at her, silently wondering how long she'd remain in this state, whatever it was. He glanced back at the monitor, which indicated that there were three travelers in the wormhole.
"You just HAD to leave it to the Tok'ra to come save me, now didn't you?" a voice demanded mere seconds later.
"Colonel O'Neill?" Hammond exclaimed in surprise. Sam just froze. It was fortunate that she hadn't been handling anything fragile because she would've dropped it. She blinked in surprise, and yet there he was, dirty and perhaps a bit scuffed up, but alive and just as saucy (and unappreciative of the Tok'ra) as ever. Jack's eyes briefly scanned the circumference of the gate room before redirecting themselves to the control room window. He let out a relieved sigh as his gaze fell on Sam. The man had seen the pillar crumble but had been unable to get to her.
"Oh, my god," Sam finally muttered. She wheeled back from the terminal she'd been working on. Everyone, including the man in the gate room between the two Tok'ra, expected her to hurry to greet him, but to everyone's surprise, she went the opposite direction. Something's not right . . . O'Neill threw his hands in the air.
"Was it something I said?"
0o0o0
In the infirmary, about 20 minutes later
"Where's Carter?" O'Neill asked, wincing slightly as Dr. Frasier shone a penlight in his eye. "I kinda thought she'd be talking my ears off." There was a moment of silence.
"Well, I am please to say that you are in very good health," Janet told him.
"What—no naquadah poisoning?" he joked. He'd been working as a slave in a Goa'uld naquadah mine until he was found and rescued by an undercover Tok'ra.
"It's good to have you back, Jack," Daniel told him from Teal'c's side. O'Neill looked at his teammates.
"Daniel," he inquired again, singling out the younger man, "Where's Carter? She's alright, isn't she?"
"Well, um . . . she's—uh," the archaeologist began.
"She is not," Teal'c answered for him. "Major Carter blames herself for your capture."
"That's ridiculous!" Jack exclaimed. "It's not her fault."
"We have said the same on numerous occasions but she would not listen," the Jaffa intoned. Janet told the colonel he could leave and he jumped up a little too eagerly for her liking, indicated by her disapproving frown. The doctor had remained strangely silent on the topic they were discussing and Jack was certain it was more than coincidence.
"So . . . is she avoiding me?" he questioned hesitantly as they walked down the corridor.
"Probably," Daniel responded.
"Because she thinks it's her fault?"
"That is correct," Teal'c stated grimly.
"I've never seen her like this before," Daniel embellished. "It's like she's just given up, like there's something else that's bothering her . . . a deeper hurt. She doesn't even try."
"What do you mean 'she doesn't even try'?" Jack wanted to know. The archaeologist halted momentarily, his teeth worrying his bottom lip. Finally, he met Jack's gaze.
"Sam was injured—badly," he told him. "She was unconscious for six weeks."
"Wait, you're not going to tell me she has brain damage?"
"No. Fortunately, but both of her legs were broken, amongst other injuries, and . . . well, she has to learn to walk again . . ." he trailed off.
"But she has not put forth the effort," Teal'c concluded. Jack, for once in his life, had nothing to say. He felt like an idiot. Here he was thinking that she was fine when all along she was hurt.
"Jack," Daniel's voice cut into his thoughts.
"Yeah, Daniel?"
"If, um, Sam doesn't start putting in more effort, her condition is going to become permanent . . ." The man's clear blue eyes pleaded for his assistance, told him that their owner believed he had the power to affect some sort of change in their friend.
"Where's she at? I'll go . . . talk to her," Jack volunteered. They told him where their teammate should be with Dr. Kasson, the physical therapist. The air force colonel made his way there, silently entering the room once he got there.
"A good start," Dr. Kasson was saying, "Just a few more steps, Major Carter—you can do it." He turned to see Jack and went over to him as his patient struggled desperately to get her legs to obey her.
"Can you give us a few?" Jack whispered so his second-in-command couldn't hear. The therapist nodded and left the room. "You alright?" he asked gently.
"I'm fine, sir," she responded without turning to look at him. "It's good to have you back." Her words said what she wanted them to, but her tone betrayed her: she didn't sound fine. He stepped up to the end of the bars.
"You sure?" he asked as she struggled to take another step. Her foot stopped its forward motion and her shoulders began to shake as her hands clung tightly to the bars. Without hesitation, Jack closed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around her waist, gently lowering her to the mat as a torrent of tears took over.
"I'm so sorry," she cried, covering her face with her hands. "I tried to save you—I swear—but I just . . . I just couldn't. I failed you and I'm sorry . . . I'm so sorry . . ." Jack realized she must not have been getting any sleep.
"Carter," he soothed, rocking her gently. "You could never fail me—all I wanted was for you and the others to be safe."
"I know," she sobbed. "But we never leave a man behind . . ."
"You didn't have a choice," he murmured. "But now you do—you can learn to walk again. I need you to . . ."
"I can't," she whimpered, "I can't do it—it's too hard."
"You can," Jack insisted. "We can get through this . . . together. Okay?" Sam nodded, leaning her head back against his shoulder and melting into his embrace. "Alright? We'll get through this." She wrapped her fingers around one of his hands.
"We'll get through this," she whispered. "Together."
0o0
End.