A/N: Hello! I'll try to keep this brief! long story short I'm fairly new to the criminal minds fandom after years of only seeing odd episodes here and there, but I have fallen in love with the show and felt it was time to get back into some sort of writing! I haven't written regular fanfiction for probably 7 years now? it's been awhile. And by the way, I don't have a beta at the moment so any mistakes are mine and mine alone!

Note: This story is set not too long after season 5's "Exit Wounds". The first couple dreams in the fic are going to be both the occasions on the show where Morgan and Garcia nearly died, but they'll be branching into more vivid nightmares in later chapters. I've added little inserts of extra emotion to make the scenes even more intense, so I hope it works!

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds. And if I did Kevin Lynch would be a creepy unsub by now.

Chapter 1: "Losing him"

"Reverie is when ideas float in our mind without reflection or regard of the understanding."-John Locke

Penelope never used to dream.

She never used to have such vivid, lasting images while she slept. After the loss of her parents she blocked all dreams from her consciousness as they usually wound up being dismal memories of the past that had been torn from her. Dreams were stark reminders she would never hear her mother's chipper laugh again nor her father sing her to sleep after a nightmare. Penelope Garcia did not like to remember, and dreams made it all too painfully easy. For the longest time she had made it. She didn't dream of her parents or the life she once had before she had lost them. It was terribly numbing but at the same time extremely soothing.

But in September of 2008 that had all changed.

Her eyes fluttered open slowly and she groaned before sitting up slightly in her office chair. It creaked slightly with her movement and she looked around her brightly coloured office at the many blinking screens reminding her she had fallen asleep at work: again. There was a shrill cry of a phone sitting next to her on the desk and she reached over, picking up the receiver to her ear.

"Mistress of all knowledge everywhere, how may I direct your call?" She sleepily yawned and carefully wiped the sleep from the corner of her eye, careful not to smudge any of her Carnation pink eye shadow.

"Garcia." The stern voice of the BAU chief Aaron Hotchner said simply. "Did you find any connections between Trenton and the victims?" he questioned and she felt her chest tighten…she had completely just fallen asleep on an order from her boss. This was bad. Very very bad! Her hands dove for her keyboard and her fingers flew over the keys as fast as she could. She clicked in and out of windows and numbers faster than she had ever before.

On the other end of the phone Aaron Hotchner looked at his watch, raising an eyebrow. When he didn't receive an answer he held the phone closer to his ear. "Garcia. Are you still there?"

She shook herself out of her trance and she cleared her throat as she continued typing "Y-Yes, sir." The computer beeped a few times and she inwardly cursed.

"Well?" He asked and she saw her destination finally pop up on the screen in front of her. Penelope turned away from the many monitors and placed her fingers on her temple.

"There's nothing sir. I'm sorry." Penelope managed to slip out groggily, sounding all but focused on their present conversation.

Aaron furrowed his brow in confusion "Absolutely nothing?" he blinked in surprise "Well, thank you Garcia." He stated simply and Penelope let an inaudible sigh of relief escape her lips. That was too close. She was just about to put the receiver back when she heard Hotch speak again.

"Garcia…is everything alright?" he asked her simply, continuing to walk briskly towards the black SUV that was currently waiting for him in front of the bustling hotel.

Her head was pounding and she could hear a distant ringing in her ears but she still managed to hear his question. Her mind scrambled for an excuse and she looked around the room in a panic and she inwardly cursed. She hated profilers.

She opened her lips to speak unsure of what she was going to say when she heard a man shout on the other end of the call. "Sorry Garcia, I've got to go." Aaron said simply before the line disconnected and all she heard was a low dial tone.

Penelope practically slammed the phone back on its hook before putting her head in her hands, rubbing her temples slowly trying to soothe her aching head. The room was fuzzy and her eyelids felt heavy as she took a sharp breath in. She ran her hands through her bangs before dragging her fingers down her face, almost trying to tear the tension away. Penelope blinked slowly and stared at the wall solemnly as her mind raced and ran with anxiety. She took a deep breath and exhaled quickly; hastily looking around her colourful lair she realized she was still obviously very alone. She slowly got up off her creaky chair before walking over to the door, quickly locking it she scooted back over to her chair. Flopping backwards into it she closed her eyes.

'When will this end?' she heard in the back of her mind before her body quickly gave into the clutches of slumber once again.

xxx

"Morgan?" she quickly asked before looking back at her monitor.

He sounded out of breath and winded as she could hear him breathing heavily into the headset he was wearing. "Yea baby?" he asked and she bit her lip shifting in the chair she was sitting in uncomfortably.

"You sound stressed." She stated and she heard him take another sharp breath in as she heard the sound of his footsteps echoing on concrete.

"Do I?" Derek panted and Penelope blinked raising her brow in confusion at the inflexion of his tone.

"Where are you?" she asked quietly and she felt a chill shoot up her spine as she awaited his answer. It was a frigid, numbing feeling that radiated to the tips of her fingers.

"Not where I want to be right now." He sounded slightly worried and her lips curved into a confused frown. She didn't know where he was or where this was even going, but she knew deep down she didn't like it.

She intently stared at the monitor as she heard nothing but a deep, soft breathing into her end of the call. She blinked as she heard his deep voice start to ring in her ears.

"Garcia, take this down for me: FDNY 108." Morgan's voice said sternly and she looked perplexed at his request. Penelope felt her heart start to beat faster and she blinked, taking a breath she looked around the small room.

"That's an ambulance, are you okay?" she asked softly still confused. Why would he ask about an ambulance? Wasn't he already with Hotch and the others trying to find the unsub in the hospital? What would he be doing around an ambulance? The questions raced through her mind as she waited for him to answer her.

"Yea, I'm fine. Just track it for me." He mumbled and she let out a small sigh of relief that he wasn't hurt. There was a couple seconds of thick silence before Penelope heard him gasp. Her back stiffened at the alarm she sensed in his voice and the real worry started to race through her mind.

"Derek? What is it? What's wrong?" She said quickly, clutching the headset closer to her mouth. There was a hint of panic in her voice and she almost stood out of her chair. The woman she was working with noticed her sudden movement and looked up at her mouthing 'what's wrong'. Penelope didn't seem to notice her question and turned back towards the screen. Her glassy eyes fixed on the blinking cell towers.

A couple more seconds of heavy silence went by before she heard his nervous voice "Oh my god…" he mumbled lowly into the line and Penelope glared at the screen.

"Derek! Answer me!" she barked and she could feel her anxiety rising by the second. Adrenaline began to race through her body and her palms were starting to sweat as she typed leaving the keys slightly moist and slippery. Her heartbeat echoed in her ears and she could feel the beat hammering all the way down her body. She gulped and swallowed a lump in her throat, what was he doing? "Where are you!?"

"Garcia." He panted breathlessly "How long can you keep jamming the cell phone lines?" he asked sounding slightly worried but still managing to hold his composure.

"Uhh…Uh a few minutes, max. Why?" she asked, turning back to the monitor and looked at the intercepted cell towers blinking on her screen. She took a breath in and blinked feverously awaiting his response.

"'Cause I'm gonna have to get this ambulance out of here…" he trailed off and Penelope felt her stomach jump into her throat. Dread shot through her mind and she narrowed her eyes slightly.

"Or, you could just evacuate the building like everybody else." She instructed as her heart started beating even faster. Her lips parted slightly and she bit her tongue. He was doing something foolishly heroic again wasn't he? She dismissed her thought and she tried to reason with herself. He wouldn't be that reckless, he wouldn't endanger himself like that.

"No…as soon as the airwaves are clear…" he breathed heavily into his headset before taking a breath "-this thing's going up."

Penelope blinked and hastily looked back at her screen "O-Oh my god that's like 3 minutes because that's when the satellite moves into position!" she exclaimed and the realization of where Morgan actually was and what he was about to do finally set in. Terror convulsed through her thoughts and she clutched her headset, plead evident in her expression. "Derek! Just-Just get out of there now!" she shouted into the headset. She could practically feel her chest synch up.

She listened and heard him grunt a few times before hearing the distinct slam of a car or truck door. Her gaze was fixed on the timer bar of the signal counting down; a look of dismay evident in her glassy eyes "Derek." She breathed and pleaded with him again, a choke catching her voice "Get. Out of there." She whispered.

A few more seconds of tensed silence passed as he evidently didn't listen. She heard him grunt some more, sounding like he was struggling with something "Come on…" he panted "Garcia! I need you to listen to me, I need you to find an area of town I can drive this thing and you tell everybody: I mean everybody that I'm coming!" he shouted into his headset and she took a sharp breath in, adrenaline coursing throughout her body. She knew she had to do something to help him. The fragile window of escape was gone.

"Come on baby…go!" she heard the engine spring to life and the squeal of tires on concrete as he took off. Her head was pounding as she looked at the map of the city. Seeing a route unfold she breathlessly told him to head north and floor it. Her eyes darted around the map on the screen and she felt another choke try to escape her lips. She felt her eyes water slightly…why did he have to do things like this?

The sound of gunshots rang over the line and she almost stood up again "-what was that." She asked on baited breath and she heard him grunt into the line.

"It was nothing! Nothing! Just keep talking to me!" he barked and continued speeding off in the ambulance. Her heart was throbbing and she heard him speak again.

"How am I doing Garcia?" he asked and she turned to her. "How's he doing?" she asked and the woman sitting next to her stated "1 minute 50 seconds." She said simply and Penelope wanted to scream. She knew she had to hold it together for him but she choked and her eyes quivered, widening in fear "Why does it always have to be you?!" She exclaimed "Why do you always have to do this?!"

The next seconds were a blur to her as she felt her throat close up, and a few tears threatening to fall. "Derek, you don't have much time please be smart about this!" she squeaked and her screen blinked, indicating the signal was coming back to life. "Signal's coming back online." She said quickly and narrowed her eyes "Derek drive to the opening and then get the hell out." She warned and she heard him take a breath in. She was terrified for the man and she just wanted him to get out of there and listen to her!

"Garcia, there's something I really want you to know." His deep voice said softly and her lips parted slightly in shock. No. She breathed…he was not doing this. He was not doing this to her!

The panic and devastation were now completely evident in her voice as her gaze fixed onto the monitor. "Save it, just get out!" She pleaded with him, tears were looming to start pouring down at any second and he panted.

"Nonono I'm not quite there yet…" he trailed off breathlessly and she looked hastily at the woman sitting next to her, hoping she would be able to do something. Anything! The woman gave her a look of returned horror and Penelope turned back to her monitor, clutching the microphone for dear life.

"Morgan." She said seriously, her voice threatening to crack.

"Just listen to me." He said simply. She thought she could hear her companion counting down but her attention was solely on listening to the sound of his voice, determined to get him out of there.

"Morgan please." She pleaded with him. Why wasn't he getting out of there!

"You know what you are Garcia?" he panted into his ear piece and Penelope could only hear her panicked heartbeat and the sheer terror rushing through her thoughts. He was going to-

The next second felt like an eternal, slow blur as she breathlessly gasped. The dismal realization of what was to happen next furiously washed over her and her eyes quivered. Her heart seized in her chest and she nearly jumped out of her chair.

"We just lost tracking." The words were simple and fleeting; but they were the final thing she needed to hear before jumping out of her chair in a frenzied panic.

"Morgan!"

xxx

She was sprawled out on one of the large desks in her office; her body was shaking and sweating while her eyes feverously twitched while remaining tightly shut. She whimpered quietly in her slumber and tears were visible in tracks cascading down her cheeks.

There was a loud knock on the door to her office and the door swung open after the passcode was entered by the caller. "Penny? You in here sugar plum?" Kevin asked as he swiftly stepped into the room, closing the door with a soft thud behind him. He looked around at the many blinking monitors and noticed she was slumped over her keyboard and from his perspective: she looked visibly motionless. A look of concern crossed his face and he ran over, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

"Penny! Penny are you okay?" he asked and shook her shoulder trying to wake her.

Penelope didn't respond to his concerned disposition and continued her increasingly deep sleep. Hot tears continued to fall down from her closed eyes at an increasing rate, streaking her warm cheeks. Her form shook violently beneath Kevin's hand and he frowned, continuing to shake her shoulder. She started to mumble lowly and her burgundy coloured lips curved down into a grimace, continuing to shake as more tears fell. She let out a loud whimper and Kevin shook her again. "Penny! Please wake up!" he pleaded and she whimpered lowly again.

"Morgan!" she choked sleepily and the tears continued to fall "Please…don't do this…" she mumbled "don't…leave me…"

Kevin retracted his hand from her shaking form and he raised a brow. Morgan…? Why was she…mumbling in her sleep…and crying…about Derek Morgan? He narrowed his eyes and as he was just about to shake her shoulder a final time to wake her when Penelope's eyes fluttered open and she gasped fearfully, nearly falling right off the chair she was sitting on. Panting she looked around the room, gasping she realized it had been just another dream. Penelope's eyes snapped towards Kevin and her mouth formed a perfect 'o' in the realization that she had just been crying hysterically for another man. That wasn't him.

She hastily wiped the tears from under her eyes and she tried to regain her composure as she realized Kevin was anything but concerned about her. "Kevin…What…are you doing here?" She asked and Kevin's eyes narrowed.

"I came to see my Penny before heading home for the day." He stated and crossed his arms, looking anywhere but her. His expression soured and he glared "But that was clearly a mistake, because what do I find when I come gallantly to say goodbye for the day? I find my Penny crying out for Mr. "hotstuff" FBI agent Derek Morgan!" he snapped Derek's name mockingly and Penelope winced at the jealousy seething in his voice. Penelope reached out a little and shook her head.

"K-Kevin." She stammered and searched her mind for an excuse. There had to be something she could say! He retracted from her and angrily stood up glaring at her. Penelope bit her lip nervously as she backed up half an inch…this was going to be…not good. "I-… I was just-" she managed to stammer and Kevin continued ranting angrily.

"…why does this always happen to me?" he snapped and paced back and forth across the room "I mean, I come up here innocently wanting to spend some time with my woman and what happens?" he laughs slightly but it quickly fades back to anger "I find her crying hysterically over some muscly jock pretty boy!" he seethed and looked directly at Penelope who looked down at her high heels, feeling slightly bad for him. She hadn't meant for this to happen! She'd locked her door! She bit her lip and reached out to his form again.

"I'm sor-" Kevin's ranting cut her off mid-sentence and he continued to seethe in anger.

"I just can't believe this! Why does this always happen with you? You know what Penelope, I know you claim you're just friends with the jerkface but you know what I wish?" He mumbled angrily and her eyes widened slightly as her bottom lip starting to quiver slightly. She was still shaking from the nightmare and here he was yelling at her. Her eyes started to water and she remained silent as he continued raving, crossing his arms childishly "Ever since I saw you with Derek for the first time I knew he was a man-who-"

Penelope felt her shaking eyes narrow, taking immediate offense to the jealous accusation of her and Derek being anything more than friends. "Don't you dare finish that sentence if you know what's good for your motherboard." She had never crossed that line in respect for him and it made her furious he would imply something like that. Her lips pressed together in agitation and she glared right back. "Kevin, that is not fair and you know it." She said lowly, her voice wavering but maintaining its strength. Penelope Garcia was sympathetic to what Kevin had heard and felt guilt for his feelings of envy towards her and her boy, but she was not letting him trash her family like that.

Kevin leaned forward and their noses almost touched and he narrowed his eyes in her own "I wish Derek Morgan" he said his name increasingly mockingly again "would just back off from my woman already! I wish he'd just get the hell out of your-our life already!" the tears started down her face again as she held her breath. Kevin hands shook in anger and his teeth gritted together in a jealous rage. "-I wish something would just happen to him!"

The furious slam of her office door snapped Penelope out of the trance she was currently caught in. When she realized he was gone her lip quivered and she bit it to try to stop the sadness that was creeping in. Penelope soon realized it was futile as she felt warm tears begin to slide down her cheeks.

She quietly sobbed within the confines of her colourful office, praying no one else would hear her.

A/N: I hope you enjoyed (: I'd love some feedback! so please drop me a review! I have 4 chapters of this written already, so updates will be soon!