When The Running Stops
A/N: This is dedicated to steffes0 in payment for the beautiful gift of words she bestowed upon me. I hope it does you justice, and I hope it shows Seamus just how bad things COULD have been, if Kaelyn did not love him unconditionally. Steffes0's story, which prompted this one, may be read here, on fanfiction, under the pin name laprotectioneternelle, the joint account we share, or at (backslash) s (backslash) 11664337 (backslash) 2 (backslash) When-The-Running-Stops.
A/N II: This version of Seamus is based off of the minstrations of steffes0 as executed in her beautiful rpg forum. If anyone wants a glimpse into that crazy world, just pm me :) It should be said that in that forum, this tragic turn of events never saw the light of day, because Kaelyn cannot live without Seamus. He is her one and only. Always.
DISCLAIMER: Because all Rowling told us was that Seamus has a particular proclivity for pyrotechnics, and that his dad was a muggle, and his mum was a witch.
SUMMARY: I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant for you to find me. But here we are. I WISH I could say it wasn't what it looked like but…we both know that's a lie. I never could lie to you, Seamus Finnigan. Not ever.
I never meant for any of this to happen. I never meant for you to find me. But here we are. I WISH I could say it wasn't what it looked like but…we both know that's a lie. I never could lie to you, Seamus Finnigan. Not ever.
It was me in the back room that night. I overheard you talking to the barmaid when you came in, just as she was preparing to close. She tried to offer you the drink that you favored, and instead, you chose water. Pure, clear, un-inhibiting water. Why could that not have been your choice from the beginning? If not for me… It doesn't matter now I suppose. You dug your grave, and I dug mine; and here we shall lie, so very close together and yet so very far apart.
I know you heard the sound of music coming from the back quarters of the pub. Perhaps you thought it was the wireless, but I can assure you, it was not. That transgression was my own. I had abandoned you in the Ward, and fled as far away from the castle as I could get in the hopes that some time apart would help us clear our heads. I think time apart only suffocated the fondness in our hearts.
I loved you Seamus. I love you still. But you and I are like water and oil. We can dance around each other forever, but we will never truly mix. I begged you to stop drinking. To have faith in yourself. To have faith in the undying love that my very soul had for you. But it was never good enough was it? I was never good enough. I pushed you too hard to be something that you are not, and for that I am eternally sorry. I wish it could have turned out different.
I wish that night in the Infirmary when we were given a choice had turned out different. We would still be young and carefree…maybe we'd be drunks together. But the potion didn't work, and I know the majority of me is glad, and so you were forced to face the knowledge that in just a few months' time you were going to be a father. But you weren't ready. I don't know if you ever will be. And I'm sorry.
Charlie WAS…just an old friend. I knew him from when we lived in America. He was my best friend for a year and a half. His father worked closely with mine, and so there were days on end we would be left in a hotel room with a nanny. We moved when I was 7 and I didn't hear from him again…until that night I happened upon him in the dark corner of the pub. We talked for hours, and he was the same Charlie I remembered.
He'd graduated early. Accepted a job as a liaison between Britain and the States. Detested alcohol but visited the pub for the food. He loved shepherd's pie. It was never meant to be anything, but when he asked if we could go somewhere more private to talk, I had no reason to pause. It was just catching up between two friends. I told him everything. About you. About us. About the baby, and the war, and…me. And he listened. He never judged, just took the facts and analyzed them so that I had a clearer picture. He only saw the good in you as well. But he saw that you did not yet love yourself, and helped me to understand that you could not possibly love me, when you were so consumed with feelings of inadequacy and self-loathing.
We laughed and talked. He played the piano. I sang. He tucked me in to his bed and told me it was too late and too cold for me to leave, that he would sleep on the floor. I found it ridiculous of course. We had shared a bed when we were little…how different could it be? But I was vulnerable. I NEEDED to be needed. And Charlie had all the right words. He played my heart as deftly as he played a piano. Flawless in his execution of notes.
I cannot say that I regret my actions that night. Only that I regret you waking to find me quite literally in the arms of another man. And so when I looked upon you as one would upon a stranger, it's because that is exactly what you were. You were not, in that moment, the man that I had given everything to. You were an empty shell of someone I had thought I knew. And while I cannot blame you solely for driving me into the arms of another man, I can in good conscious lay half of the blame at your feet.
Charlie WAS an old friend. He was my best friend. He still is. And he will make a good father…to your son. We are to be married in the spring, just before Mattieus is born. Charlie picked the name. He's no idea how much it means to me. It reminds me of friends. Of what I once had.
I wish I could go back to that night. I wish I had had the strength to stay by your side. To give you a reason to change. But we are all flesh, and in that moment, I was just as weak as you.
One day I WILL seek you out. I will tell you I'm sorry. And maybe, I'll let you see this precious being that we have created. But for now I will lock you away in my heart, and hope that one day you will no longer find it necessary to run.