LEAVING NEW YORK
If I could do it all over again, I probably would. Then maybe I didn't have to move. Then maybe they wouldn't be so glad that I am moving. They are, I know that. And it hurts.
I don't remember when it all started to go wrong. I was always different from the rest of them, when we lived together. How the hell did we survive five people in that apartment? Especially with the super-diva Maureen as one of us. I guess we just let her have her own way. It was the easiest thing to do. It was the only thing to do, if we wanted to keep the peace.
I can't believe I'm leaving. Breaking my promise. We made this pact, you see. Sitting on the kitchen floor, too many empty vodka bottles around us, we swore never to leave New York. Collins did, and then Roger. But they came back. I doubt I will. Well, I've broken promises before.
I was the first to leave the apartment. To marry the wealthy daughter of the revolution, as Maureen so nicely put it. She always was good with words. And suddenly I became the enemy. I don't know, maybe I really was. They were the struggling artists and I was the evil landlord. I used to be so jealous of their talent. Roger, Maureen, Mark, even Collins. I consider teaching a talent. I never had any of that. So I guess I was just trying to prove that I could be successful. I did marry Allison for her money. I never loved her. But at least I used to like her. Now, I'm not so sure about that anymore. She's so… I don't know.
She's the total opposite of Mimi. Mimi… We dated a while back, before she even met Roger. But she broke it off. I was too boring for her. She said so. And then she met Roger. Love at first sight. I wonder what that feels like. Mimi and Roger, Collins and Angel, Maureen and Joanne… Poor Mark. At least I have someone. Even if it's mostly a facade. Muff… Allison and I are good for each other. Nor emotionally, but financially. She's got the money and I make them grow. And we're very presentable. We look great together at dinner, parties and whatever. But we hardly talk anymore. I honestly didn't think that she would be so upset that I cheated on her. But… she found out, and that's why we're moving. I think the thing that frightened her was that I really cared about Mimi. I didn't love her though. I'm starting to believe that I'm incapable of loving.
I guess I ought to apologise to Mimi. And to Roger. But, I know it's going to sound like a bad excuse, I sort of thought I was doing him a favour. Him and Mark. I may not be an expert on love, but I recognise the real thing when I see it. And Mark is in love. He has been for as long as I can remember. I don't understand how Roger can be so oblivious. Collins knows. Angel did too. And Maureen. That's part of why she broke it off. She knew that Mark was going to end it sooner or later, and you don't dump Maureen. Maureen dumps you. The only one who has ever dumped Maureen is Joanne. But they got back together. I don't think they would have survived otherwise. Joanne is something special. She's so strong. Most people have to live in the shadow of Maureen, but Joanne refuses to do that. And Maureen loves her for it.
The only two persons that I've seen that were more destined for each other than Maureen and Joanne were Collins and Angel. They were so perfect together. Too perfect, I guess. 'Cause Angel died. I miss him. I do! I really liked Angel. But who didn't. I was surprised when Collins invited me to the funeral. I didn't think he wanted me there. But he said that Angel had wanted it. I don't know why. Maybe it was his way of apologising for killing my dog. God, I hated that dog. Angel did me a favour.
It's so unfair that he's gone.
And then Mimi almost died too.
Maybe it's for the best that I'm leaving. At least I won't have too see them die. I must be realistic. I mean, Collins, Roger and Mimi… They have HIV for God's sake! They should have died a long time ago. At least now I won't have to know when it happens.
I always was a coward.
I'll miss them.
Maybe they'll miss me. I doubt it though.
I hope Roger finds his one song glory.
I hope Mark doesn't have to be alone.
I hope Maureen gets her fame.
I hope Joanne stays just the way she is, and doesn't let Maureen change her.
I hope Collins finds someone new to love.
I hope Mimi survives.
For me? I don't know. I just hope I find something to hope for.