She sat there, allowing the rain to pour over her. It was 12:30 AM and she was tired yet restless. Those two things really didn't go well together. So she just decided to go outside in her backyard and think. Yes, she was aware that it was raining and yes she was aware that she was getting wet. She was also aware that she was sitting on the ground as the rain poured down over her. So what? She loved the rain. She needed to think anyway. Many things were going through her mind and she needed to make sense of it all. That most likely wasn't going to happen though. If anything, she would over analyze everything (like normal) and only make her current mood worse. And try as she might, she always did that. The only way for her not to do that was to not really think about anything. But then, when she didn't think about something, something bad relating to the topic would happen.
She placed her chin on her hand as she thought. She was thinking about him. What else was new? She didn't know it was possible to like someone so much and yet still be so confused by them. Well, it wasn't so much the fact that she was confused as it was the fact that he made her confused with his confusion. And that confusion only led to what had happened, something she somehow knew was coming. She knew it was going to come, she just didn't know when or how or what his reason would be. And he had done it, much to her dismay. She didn't realize she liked him so much until it was over. Yeah, she had realized that she liked him alot, just not to the extent she was now feeling.
She didn't know what was going to happen between them now. They had agreed to stay friends. They didn't want anything weird to come between them. But even before they had gone out, she would greet him in the hallways at school with hug and hug him before she left for class. What was she to do now that they were no longer together? Wouldn't it be slightly awkward? When Christmas break started she missed him alot. She longed for his kiss, his warm embrace. Now that they were broken up, shouldn't those feelings have gone away? Why were they still there to torment her? The memory of their last kiss made her want to cry, knowing that that last kiss was just that, a last kiss. Same as the kiss before that. And the one before that was their first kiss as a couple and her first ever. Why did those memories have to be right there playing like a little movie in her mind?
When he said that they needed to talk, she knew she wasn't going to like the direction the conversation was going. No good conversation ever starts out that way. And she was right, she didn't like the direction the conversation went. They agreed to stay friends though. She wasn't sure how well that was going to work though. They were close even before they started going out and when they were, they had become closer. Now what were they supposed to do? Go back to just being close, pretend those kisses never happened, the way he held her and made her feel protected never existed?
He said he was going to be single for a while now. She sort of hoped he was telling the truth about that. Yet at the same time she wasn't. How was she supposed to react if she were to see him with another girl? Pretend like there was never anything between them? Pretend like she wouldn't be hurt when even just the thought of him with someone else hurt her? When he had told her that he was confused about them and that he didn't know what to do and she asked whether they should break up and he said that he thought they should, she could feel her heart hurt. Was that what heartbreak was? When your lungs hurt badly when you breathe? She wondered if he had felt it too. Whether he had cried like she had. She knew that if and when she saw him with another girl, she'd feel that pain in her chest again. She'd feel that sinking in her chest, feel her heart hurt, feel pain as she took each breath.
All these thoughts and questions ran through her head and she knew the answer to none of them. Why did life have to be confusing and relationships more so?
What was she supposed to do now though, pretend like nothing ever happened between them? Pretend like she didn't like him anymore?