Dear all,
Well, I'm sort of back. All I can say about this piece is that I can't make myself write something happier or more different. It seems I'm stuck at the mellow, sad-ish, kind of fic. Nevertheless, I kind of like this piece. It just came as I listened to a song. I hope you like it – or hate it if you really do.
Anyhow, as for AICSY, I have started the new chapter albeit a bit slowly. I'm very busy since this is my last semester at school so updates are even slower than they already are. But I'm still writing – sort of – so that's good.
Thanks for reading,
Vic
Disclaimer: Rurouni Kenshin is not mine.
Realizations
By Vic'chonn
Perhaps it would have been easier if you hadn't said anything. Perhaps, you wouldn't be feeling this aching in your heart, this sorrow as you look at them and realize that, no matter what you do, no matter how you change, he will always love her in a way he could never love you.
For that, you're jealous. You envy her. You detest her.
But she hasn't done anything to you. She was just there. She just appeared and he saw her, and he fell for her while you were cast aside with regretful words, with lengthy and heartfelt apologies that could have reached the sky.
So you cannot hate her. After all, you're so giving, so forgiving. And because of that you also detest yourself, you feel guilty because for the first time in your life, you are beginning to hate, blame that woman for taking the only happiness you have ever known.
You shouldn't have told him. You shouldn't have spoken so rashly about her, to offend her in such way so he hurt you – fort the first time since you have known each other, for the last time because you know you won't see him after this.
This is your silent goodbye.
You're looking at them from afar. You see them smile at each other, love each other, and again, your heart aches.
Turn around. Turn around so you won't suffer anymore.
You take a deep breath and look for the last time.
It's time to let go. Willing or not, it's time to move on.
How many years have passed since then? Two, three, four? You don't remember but you're surprised that after all the doubts, all the questions, all the pain, you eventually learned how to be happy again.
You're yourself. You haven't changed for anyone else. Instead, you have grown, matured as branches of wisdom covered the foundation of your being.
It feels so good, so incredibly good as you look at old pictures and just smile remembering the good times. What has happened, what made you cried; it's all at the back of your mind, trapped in a locked space where things get deleted as time passes by.
You have moved on after all, and you cannot be happier.
You don't hate anymore. You're still you. The darkness has gone away.
And the chances to be happy are before your door again.
You're not completely sure but you have a nagging. Perhaps he is the one.
Nobody has treated you like him. Nobody has adored you, criticized you, taught you like him. He loves you differently – in his own way. He makes you feel special. It's like a lovers' love and yet it is also like a best friend's love, but deeper, more precious.
So you gaze at his blue eyes – blue like the peaceful ocean, like the vast sky. Blue like your own eyes, and yet clearer under the sun, darker under moonlight. You think and don't think at all but you don't hesitate.
You say yes.
He laughs, you giggle and keep the smile as he reaches for you, as he lifts you up and twirlsyou around. He kisses you softly, soundly, lovingly, passionately.
A breeze passes by and things are moved around in the slightest of touches. Everything has changed, but for good. There's only space for joy in your heart.
You're a different person now. You haven't changed, but you have a different name, you live somewhere else, and you love it. You rejoice and bask in that happiness – a new and better life.
People say you're glowing now. Now more than ever, you're full of energy, of vitality, of everything you were before but ten times, infinite times more.
So when he appears with her, walking together and yet with an air of detachment – how weird, the last time you saw them they couldn't keep their hands off each other – you smile brightly at them, specially at him, as they approach you to congratulate you like everyone else inside the crowded room.
He looks at you with blue-amethysts eyes, and for a moment, he's silent, pensive. You try to read his expression but you're unable to do so. Not anymore. So you keep smiling and tell him that you're glad he came. You truly are. There is no more guilt, there's no more resentment. You just want to let him know you're fine, that you have moved on and found happiness, just like him.
Slowly, he briefly smiles and congratulates you albeit his voice seems to crack for a moment. There's so much noise. Perhaps it is your imagination.
Then you turn to look at her, still so beautiful but her eyes, her eyes are even sadder than before. They're sad and there's something else you can't decipher.
But you don't let it get into you. This is your special day and from now on – actually, from the moment he came and told you that he would fight for your love – you're just going to be happy. You won't read into other people's feelings. There's only you and your love.
They step aside so the other guests can come and continue with their greetings. The night slowly wears off and you're really tired. But it's a good kind of tired. You feel great.
And the night finally ends, but your new life has just begun.
You're waiting for your husband at the park and although it's a bit cold, you don't mind. After all, it was your idea.
You sit on a bench and sigh in contentment. It's noisy but peaceful at the same time.
Suddenly, someone calls your name and you raise your eyes to see him standing before you. You're surprised. You haven't seen him since your wedding.
You both exchange greetings but you notice that his gaze is fixed on you, on the arm around your bulky stomach. He blinks and then asks how long.
You grin and tell him four months. There's something in his eyes again, but it disappears as he realizes that you're waiting for an answer. He congratulates you but suddenly – just like his unexpected appearance – he says he has to go somewhere else.
You nod and you tell him to take care. He does the same and leaves.
A moment later, minutes later, hands cover your eyes as a kiss lands on your ear. You laugh and when he turns to sit next to you, you hit his shoulder at his antics.
You sit together in silence, relishing in each other's warmth and then, he stands up and asks you if you're ready to go.
He offers you a hand and you gladly accept. As you stand up, his arms go around you and he tells you that he loves you.
Your heart melts, just like every time he says those words. He's a wonderful man.
You tell him you love him too and together, you walk away.
You walk away but you don't know of the man who has been observing you since he left you before your husband came. You don't see his saddened eyes, you don't see the regret reflected in his orbs as you smile at your love, as he touches your stomach and kisses your cheek.
It is so strange, so unfair, and yet, it is fair enough. You lost and you gained. He left and he came back but you don't know that.
You moved on too early, or perhaps, he simply came back too late.
The End
Finished February 26th, 2007.