Syed
It wasnt even 8 o'clock yet and I had already counted 5 drunks being thrown out of the Vic. Fair enough, it was New Years Eve and they had every right to celebrate the New Year, but I wondered to myself why people couldnt enjoy the celebrations without a drink in their hands. The Vic was crowded, the residents of the Square all dolled up the nines like I had never seen before ready for the festivities. Despite her recent money problems, Peggy had decided to throw a party, hoping to make more money from the Squares heavy drinkers. I believed she was also thankful to me when I told her I wanted to throw my Sober Stag Night in the pub as she had automatically obliged and cast me a glowing smile. Amira had opted to hold her hen night at Fargo's, so I was stuck with the Vic.
I had gotten there early to set up before all my friends turned up and to give myself time to think whilst I arranged the mountain of food Mum and I had spent the last few days making. Although Mum resented knowing the events of ordinary Stag Nights, I was grateful to know she trusted me enough to let me have one, even though she had chased me out the door, screeching after me to be careful and not get into trouble. Me, get into trouble. How ridiculous. As I unwrapped the food and set it down onto the white table cloth, my mind had drifted to Christian. After the events of the last month, I wished that I wouldnt have to think about him, but I found just a lately that I thought about him at the most random of moments and this night would not be an exception. I thought about the night that we had last parted-standing as far away from him as possible so he could not feel my shaking heaving body. I had told him that I did not want him anymore and I was going to marry Amira, which he laughed off as a lie, which it was, but I wasnt about to admit it. I wasnt about to admit to him that I cared deeply for him, that I couldnt live without him, that I needed him. Admitting that to him would mean also admitting it to myself and I knew once I admitted it to myself I would realise what I really wanted and would have to turn my back on my family and my religion, and Amira. I had been furious with Christian since he admitted he loved me and as soon as he had said it, I knew I would have to end it as I could not risk admitting it to myself. So I had told him it was over between us, for good this time, and I didnt want to speak to him or see him again. When I had fired him from Masala Queen, Mum and Dad had been furious but I had made the excuse that Christian was unreliable and he was too loyal to Ian. They had bought it, or so I hoped, and respected my decision but I knew they were suspicious, especially when I faked illness for several days until Christian had cleared out his locker and was miraculously better when he had left, and when I avoided the cafe, so that I wouldnt see him working. Not seeing Christian had lifted a weight off my shoulders but I had to admit that I did miss him- the nights we had spent together were always at the front of my mind, and I regularly woke up in my bed expecting him to be wrapped around me, his strong arms holding me closer to him, but was only disappointed when the space next to me in my bed at my parents was empty. During cold nights alone, I thought about the times when it was just me and him, making love like rabbits, like we were the only two people in the world and I masturbated at just the thought, feeling the ghostly touch of his hand on my spine, his hard passionate kiss, his tongue against mine. And when I came, I writhed in pleasure, and whispered his name, but when I received no answer and opened my eyes to see that there was noone there, I wiped myself up, pulled the duvet over me and cried myself to sleep.
Oh stop it!! I thought to myself, piling onion bhajis onto a plate the size of a tectonic. Where is this going to get you, eh? Straight back to Christian, thats where! So stop arsing around and get this food set out! (I found it unusual that the voice in my head was not mine, but my mothers.)
Behind me the door swung open, and my dad, Tamwar and Quadim piled in, chuckling at one of my fathers rubbish jokes. When they saw me, they attacked me at full force.
"OI!" I schreeched as fingers poked and pinched me, "I am trying to set up here, you know so get off me and go get some drinks!"
"God, when were you such a fun sponge?" Masood chuckled loudly," You are starting to become so much like your mother."
A low cry of surprise and amusement erupted from Tamwar and Quadim as I glared at my father with pretend offense, before screaming "That's it!" and jumping toward him, attacking him with mini punches. For awhile we play fought, laughing hysterically as we wrestled until my father cleared his throat and straightened us both up.
"Now I dont want you to turn him all beaten up to your wedding tomorrow so I think we should stop now and Quadim can get the round in" Dad cried, directing us all to the bar. Getting Tracey's attention he bought four cokes and we jumped to the sofa, drinks in hand. Holding his glass up, Dad cleared his throat.
"So we are all gathered here tonight to celebrate Syed's wedding to Amira tomorrow night," Dad started, " Now, I know I promised that I wouldnt embarrass Syed tonight but I'm his father so I think that gives me the right. I can remember watching Syed and Shabnam playing Wedding when they were growing up, and I would imagine what their weddings would really be like. I can honestly say that I didnt imagine some of the things that have happened in between then and now, but I can honestly say that I love you, son, and I am so proud of you and you and Amira are the perfect example of true love. I wish you a lifetime of happiness and devotion and I just pray, for your sake aswell as everyone elses, that Amira doesnt turn out like your mother."
We all burst out laughing at that and clinked glasses. I took a long sip from mine and when I looked up, I saw out of the corner of my eye, Christian standing at the bar, glaring at me, At the moment, my heart stopped and my knees turned to jelly. After weeks of avoiding him, I had become so unglued at just the sight of him and I had to force a smile when my father followed my gaze, smiled warmly at Christian and gestured him over. Christian reluctantly joined us, shook Quadim's hand in introduction, and took the chair opposite mine. He refused to meet my gaze and he remained quiet whilst we all chatted away, until Masood, Tamwar and Quadim all left to retrieve my surprise, and Christian and I were left alone together.
"What are you doing here?"I growled at him, glaring at him furiously.
"I'm just here for a drink," Christian answered stubbornly,"It was Masood who invited me over."
"Oh, you just happen to be here for a drink the same night as my Stag Night," I hissed.
"Well, if you havent noticed, it is also New Years Eve," Christian relpied curtly.
"I dont want you here," I spat at him through gritted teeth, "Please leave."
"It's a free country," Christian said, raising his glass to his lips and taking a tiny sip.
"I'm not going to tell you again, Christian," I quietly threatened, "Just go."
"Or what?" Christian asked, casting me an expectant look. He was hurt, there was no doubt about it, but he didnt want to let me see. I knew him well enough by now.
"What are you gaining from this?" I asked him, "You are only causing yourself more hurt, more pain. If you are expecting me to fall into your arms and beg you to take me back, you are going to be seriously disappointed."
"I think you should realise by now, Syed, that I dont expect fuck all from you," Christian replied emotionally, "You have made your feelings perfectly clear so there is nothing else for us to say. "
"Would it make you feel any better if I told you that I wish things werent like this?" I cried softly, opening a door that I had tried to keep closed.
"What the fuck is that supposed to mean?" Christian asked me, a dark look falling across his face.
"All I'm saying is you know who I really want,"I murmured, kicking myself. I wished I had never opened my mouth.
Christian glared at me for what seemed like hours and finally jumped up out of his chair, turning to stalk away.
"Christian..."
"Fuck you!" Christian bellowed for all of the Vic to hear. Heads turned and eyes snapped to our direction. I was too stunned to care that he was making a scene and just stared back at him, numb and puzzled. He glared at me for several seconds, before turning away and slamming out of the door. I stared after him, wondering what had just happened and feeling the pain spread thourgh every muscle.
Christian
Fucking arsehole! my head screamed as I stormed out of the pub and down the market street to Turpin Road. I wanted to go back into the Vic to smash his face in, I was so mad. Of course I never could because I loved him too much, but the rage inside of me was so strong that I wished I had the strength to. For weeks, he had avoided me, had even fired me from Masala Queen just so that he didnt have to see me, and now he was saying he still wanted me. I just wished he would stop playing games with me and admit his true feelings, but of course I was just kidding myself because Syed never would. Tomorrow he would get married to Amira and he would move in with her and have kids with her. Just the thought stopped me in my tracks and broke my heart. I felt tears trickle down my face but I had to keep going and when I saw my front door in sight, I broke into a run, grabbing my key from my pocket and jabbing it into the keyhole. Once inside my flat I collapsed to the floor, breaking down into sobs and letting all of my anger seep out. I didnt care if the neighbours complained, I couldnt stop wailing and I wouldnt stop. This was the only relief I had had in weeks of emotional torment. I had let it build up inside me until it was a thermometer reaching the highest temperature and exploding dramatically out of me.
Outside the open door I heard footsteps rushing up the stairs and into my flat. Looking up, I saw Roxy's panicked face soften as she saw me in my state, collapsing down beside me and wrapping her arms around me.
"Oh, babes, its ok," she comforted me, stroking my back softly,"What the fuck has Syed done to you?"
"Leave it, Rox, its nothing" I told her.
"I should go back to the pub and punch him for getting you into this state," she replied bitterly as if she had not even heard me, "What's he bloody well done?"
"I cant tell you" I muttered, wiping tears from my eyes.
"Well you're going to," Roxy demanded, "Noone does this to my best friend and gets away with it. Now tell me!"
"Roxy, we just had an argument thats all, cant you just drop it?" I begged.
"You think noone has noticed that you have been at loggerheads with each other for the last few months, " Roxy yelled, "But I'm not stupid, Christian. I know something has gone on between you two, now tell me before I ask him. And you know If I ask him I wont be polite about it."
"Rox, I promised him" I murmured,
"I dont care," Roxy told me stubbornly, "You tell me now, or I will go find him."
"OK!" I yelled at her,"The thing is... well... me and Syed... we, um-"
"WHAT?!" Roxy boomed impatiently.
"We were sleeping together."
Roxy doubled back, a look of pure shock on her pretty face, Her mouth gaped open as she glared at him with wide eyes. She attempted to form words, but all that came out with her mouth was a low croaking.
"You were what?" Roxy managed to say after a while. Her face was priceless but if I laughed she would think I was lying so I remained composed, with much effort.
"Me and Syed, we were sleeping together," I explained, "He broke it off to be with Amira so many times but he kept coming back to me. I love him, Rox."
Roxy was taken aback. She processed my words and swallowed them down. I didnt think she could believe it.
"So Syed's..." Roxy stuttered.
"Yes" I chuckled, wiping tears away.
"But I thought that was like...forbidden for Muslims,"Roxy enquired dumbly,"And he's getting married to Amira tomorrow."
"That's why I'm leaving tonight." I told her. When she heard this, she stared at me with the same look of shock as before.
"I cant stay here and watch them play loved-up young couple anymore," I explained, "I need to leave before I break down even more. I'm a wreck, Rox. I hide it inside because I dont want anyone to see how weak I am but its eating away at me. I cant stay anymore. I need to leave. So I've decided to go to Florida for a while to stay with my mum and dad. A few months in the sun, some good men, good beaches, and I'll be good as new."
"But you cant leave,"Roxy cried.
"I have to, Rox," I told her simply.
"He's still going to be here when you get back,"Roxy bellowed,"What makes you think that when you come back, those feelings wont come flooding back to you?!"
"Im sure they will, Roxy," I replied, angrily,"Syed is the love of my life, I've never felt this way about another man before, and I never will. I cant just snap my fingers and it will all go away, not like he obviously can. But I have to try. I want the old me back, the one who doesnt give a fuck about anything, who just fucks any guy he wants, without commitment or love. Here, I cant be him, so I have to go."
"What about me?" Roxy sobbed, "What about Amy? What about Jane, Ian, the kids? You cant leave us behind."
"I have to," I croaked. I couldnt imagine my days without Roxy but I couldnt stay any longer. I had to go.
"Well why dont you leave it a few weeks and me and Amy will come with you?" Roxy begged.
"If I dont go now, Rox, I will have to suffer even more than I am now," I cried, tears falling down my cheeks,"And plus, what about Dishy Dr Al? You two are so smitten with each other, I couldnt pry you apart."
Roxy gave out a small giggle amidst her sobs and looked up at me with panda eyes.
"I dont know what I'm going to do without you, babes,"Roxy wept. Staring into her eyes, I broke down again with her, wrapping my arms around her and holding her close.
"I know, babe," I sobbed, " I know. But I just have to go."
Pulling away, she looked at me, a lost sad little girl staring into my eyes, and kissed me softly on the cheek.
"You make sure you call me when you get there" she told me, trying to be strong.
"Are you kidding me?" I cried, "I'm calling you every 5 minutes until I get there."
We both chuckled sorrowfully and scrambled to our feet. I reached around for the suitcase I had packed hours earlier, before I had made up my mind. I had decided to pack light, as I wouldnt need half of the stuff in my flat when I was in Florida. I had packed a few items of sentimental value-pictures of me and Roxy, Jane, Ian, the kids, Amy. But none of Syed. They were scattered across my bed, face down, at arms reach. I stared at the scatter as I picked up my suitcase and turned to face Roxy, wiping my eyes.
"You couldnt call me a taxi could you?" I asked her.
"Of course, babe," Roxy replied, cupping my cheek softly and leaving the flat, grabbing her phone as she left.
I reached over, taking the pile of photos in my hands. Flipping them, I found pictures of me and Syed, and just Syed on his own in several. Bringing one of Syed to my face, I kissed the face of the photo and stuffed the photos into my suitcase before walking to the front door and turning off the light. In the darkness, I saw every moment of my time in Albert Square flashed before me, every monet I spent with Syed withing these four walls, and those thoughts urged me out, locking the door behind me.
Outside, as I waited for my taxi, me and Roxy shared a tearful goodbye, hugging and kissing and telling each other we would speak soon and we would visit. But I knew once I left I would never want to come back. I loved Syed with all my heart, and I always would, but I could stay any longer and fall apart. I couldnt watch him with Amira any longer. I couldnt be his dirty little secret anymore.
When the taxi pulled up, I handed my suitcase to the driver, and hugged a sobbing Roxy goodbye.
"I will see you soon, you cry baby," I told her, trying to make the moment a bit easier. She smiled warmly, kissed my forehead and held the door open for me. Climbing in, I slammed the door shut after me and waved goodbye as the driver pulled away. Driving past the unit, I stared sorrowfully sideways at it, Syed's cruel words, from a long time ago, shouting after me in my head as we drove past. Find yourself a mirror, old man. Look at it and ask yourself- why would I want to mess around with something like you?