Her feet were dragging her slowly through the halls of McKinley High, while her hazel eyes were staring straight ahead, although she didn't recognize anything around her. Quinn's thoughts were on yesterdays evening - an evening, which should have been filled with laughter, fun and romantic - but reality played a bad joke on her. The real world knocked the young Fabray out of the skies - again. It would have been such a pleasure if everything played out the way she hoped - if her feelings would have been reciprocated but instead of this dream come true she got metaphoraclly slapped from the truth and falled from cloud number 9. She and Rachel? More than friends? You've got to be kidding her? How could she be such a pathetic? Life itself showed her on more than one occasion would it feels like to be brought down to earth but somehow she still believed in Rachels words. That she had forgiven her, didn't hold a grudge against her - had feelings for her!? Ludicrous!
A cold bitter smile was placed on her face while she moved one feet in front of the other, her shoulders squeared - a hard and strong wall, which sheltered the broken little girl inside. To hold up this masquerade had always been one of her greatest gifts so it wasn't a surprise that it still fitted when she woke up this morning to start the first day of her last year at high school. She guessed that this facade didn't change just because of her wonderful summer. A summer, which the blonde would never forget, as hard as she would wish for - now. A summer, which allowed her for the first time ever to be her true self and feel okay with that. A summer, which was filled with books, Harry Potter, game nights und endearment from a certain gleeclub diva - but it ended all off a sudden now. Now it would be just one summer of many others - and this tought hurt more than anything.
Finally standing in front of her locker she noticed another presence behind her, but Quinn didn't need to turn to know who it was - she knew this perfume from all the past years and even more since the past together spent weeks, so she didn't bother anyway.
"Quinn? Nice to finally see you. After you didn't show up yesterday evening, unanswered calls and messages I thought something happend to you... I wanted to drive over but you know my stricly night program, which contains a 12 hour sleep because of our first day back at school.. So I just decided to wait for today and... Quinn.. everything's alright?"
The concern and insecurity in Rachel's normaly so confident voice gave her a shiver down her spine, just as the words itself. She read all the messages and ignored her calls on purpose, because she couldn't deal with the heartbreak - she ex-cheerio wanted one more night in her blissfull perfect fantasy, which contained her happiness and a future together with the small brunette. The failed attempt to answer plus her bodylanguage seemed to speak volumes, because she recognized how the diva was standing closer than before, but she didn't figured out her next move - so she jumped a little when Rachels hand touched her wrist. As the Fabray felt the fingertips on her skin, she pulled away, like she had been burnt and not a second later she felt guilty about it. On her peripher vision she saw the hurt and horror in the others big brown eyes and she tried to avoid her eye contact.
"Okay? As okay as it can be, Ra...Berry."
It was a broken statement with clenched teeth, before Quinn pulled fully away, closed her locker and tried to flee the scene, but the jewish girl had none of it.
"Berry?! Are you serious? After everything we've been through this summer we are back to point where I am just a surname, just because school started again? Are you so shallow and insecure about your image? Are you really that selfish, that you..."
But she couldn't finish one of her famous Rachel Berry rants, because the blonde turned back around immediately. One second ago her hazel-green-golden eyes were filled with hurt and longing but now there was nothing - no emotion was showing. After one deep breath the Fabray started talking.
"Not I'm the one who is back to her former self. How could I have been so stupid to believe that you left your old habits behind, when everybody knows that your heart always belonged to just one person. I guess I'm the foolish one right now because I thought you were faithful. And before you say something - I saw you two. I was there yesterday evening - a little bit too early, because I couldn't await the last night of summer together. That's the reason why I didn't wrote back or picked up my phone. And it's also the matter why I am leaving right now, because I can't stand the heartbreaking when I look at you, because all I'd want to do is hug or kiss you. I hope you're happy now...with... Finn."
Although it hurt like hell to tell Rachel all of this, it was nothing compared to the feeling she got when the mentioned oaf showed up next to the diva after she called his name and got closer to hug the brunette.
"Hey Rach..."
That was it. It was enough for the blonde. She had told the other girl everything on her mind, told her the truth and so she stood to her words and went to class, because she didn't want to be a viction of their display of affection. The girl she...loved?!... in the arms of antoher... again? No, she wasn't ready for this, not strong enough so she started running to her first lesson. In the safety of her classroom Quinn leaned back into her stool, trying to forget everything that happend with Rachel.
Back in the hallway Rachel was still thunderstrucked and frozen to the floor after everything the ex-cheerleader had said to her - she wanted to ran past her, but the loud ringing of the bell, told her that the classes started any second, so she ran to her classroom with the determination to talk with Quinn in gleeclub.
*Flashback - evening - the day before - Berry residence*
Every few seconds Rachels eyes found the clock on the wall just to aknowledge that there are still thirty minutes left til the blonde would arrive and so a loud sigh left her lips when she threw herself back into the cushions. Although they spent almost every day of this summer, also the last evening, the brunette couldn't help herself - she missed Quinn already and couldn't await her arrival. If it wasn't just for the night together, it would be for an even more important reason - a really important question.. No! Not - Will you marry me, BUT... Will you be my girlfriend..and although she was pretty sure that the answer would be yes, she was nervous.
With her eyes closed she thought back to their last schoolday, on which the other went to her, looked deep into her eyes and hugged her all of a sudden for goodbye. That there was more to this than just a look - she couldn't be sure, but she kind of hoped for it, because there has always been this strange connection between them. A pull to each other, which couldn't be explained until the moment Rachel figured it out - affection, need and so much more - so much more which she couldn't quite place, because it got deeper than "healthy". But to act on these kind of feelings? No way! We was just to afraid to loose this young friendschip between them, to loose Quinn after all the time she was desperately to have her in her life, so she diallowed herself any thoughts which got deeper than "friends" - but everything changed with this one hug. The close proximity, the smell of the blondes perfume, the touch of her skin - everything was just too much and so she leaned forward and kissed her. I was a kiss full of fireworks, full of hot vegan chocolate on the first day of Hannukah, full of...
But right now the Berry girl wasn't allowed to relive all those glourious memories about their first kiss, because the doorbell sounded and as fast as possible she ran to the door to meet those kissable lips for a reminder of the first. With a big smile on her face she threw the door open, she couldn't hide her enthusiasm and spoke from her heart.
"I've missed you!"
It wasn't the blonde goddess she wanted to kiss so much right now, instead of the ex-cheerleader there stood the large figure of her ex-boyfriend, Finn.
"Oh Finn..."
Everyone else would have seen and recognized the disappointment on the brunettes face and in her voice, but Finn had none of it - instead of that his doopey smile showed off, about her revelation that she had missed him.
"Hey Rach.. May I come in?"
Even before Rachel gave him the permission to enter her house, he just walked in, put a bunch of flowers in her stoic hands and kissed her cheek as he passed her. When he enterd the living room he was looking around all the arrangements - snacks, a stack of dvds, pillows and blankets and got a little bit confused until he thought he knew why everything was up. (He was wrong.)
"Oh Kurt told you that I would come over - that's really kind of sweet, but not necesary, Rachel."
Again there was his annoying doopey smile in place and before she answered him, she asked herself, how she could ever fall for this kind of facial strain or boy for that matter, because ... what? All of this for him after a whole summer without even one word to each other? She had to fight an eyeroll, a habit she got from the blonde girl named Quinn Fabray, who should be here instead of Hudson. After a deep sigh she closed the door, put the cheep flowers onto the next place she could find and got into the living room as well.
"Finn, why are you here? What do want?"
Straight to the point - the typical Rachel Berry style - her words were accomponated with her arms akimbo.
"What do you mean, Rach? Why am I here, because I want us to be together again obviously! That's the reason why I bought those flowers. I thought that would be easy to get. You know we are made for each other. You love me, I love you and together we are the perfect two! You are the female leadsinger and I am your male lead - we are the captains of the glee club!"
While Finn talked, he moved closer and closer til he was right in front of her, took her small hands into his big ones and looked deep into those chocolate orbs. Why couldn't Rachel see the obvious? That was the question he asked hiself,while he was searching her eyes for the typical sparkle and glint, when she looked at him, but although he couldn't see it, he just thought Rachel needed time to aknowlege her luck. He just knew that she loved him although they didn't talk the whole summer, because...dough! He was Finn Hudon, quaterback and the love of her life. As Rachel didn't answered he thought that she was just waiting for him to kiss her, so he leaned in and put his mouth onto hers. The brunette, who was still paralyzed by everything the boy just said didn't move at first, but when everything caught up on her, she pushed him as hard as possible away from herself.
"Finn!"
What the hell! She wiped her mouth with her hand, while she sent him an incredelous look and shook her head in the negative in such a fast pace that she was lucky she didn't get whipslah. Moving away from the quaterback to put enough distance between them, she thought about her next words.
"You and me - that's the past and I thought you would agree with me! When we broke up, we agreed that we worked better as friends. You.. you will always be my first boyfriend, but I'm not in love with you, at least not anymore. We spent the whole last weeks apart from each other and I had time to think about me and my life and all my feelings and I recognized something about me. I figured out that I was harbouring this strong feelings for someone else.. all the time.. My heart is set on another person and you..no Finn.. we are over."
Finn looked stunned, confused and surprised by the divas words. Did she just rejected him and told him that her heart belonged to someone else? What? No, that couldn't be right. It had to be wrong! They were meant for each other... right?
"But.. but I missed you Rachel and.. and.. and... your heart belongs to someone else?"
He couldn't wrap his head around all of this, because if he remembered right - and he did - it was Rachel who crushed on him, long before they were an item - right back to the time while he was still dating Quinn, she searched him and told him that they were soulmates and now?!
Rachel was staring at her ex-boyfriend who seemed truly confused and she thought about a way to tell him the truth without hurting his feelings.. too much. It was true - she loved him... kind of.. but all this feelings for Quinn - all these facets, which never were so intense before - so pure and sheer, she never felt before - shown her that she felt just a fraction of love for him in the past.
"Finn.. I love you... as a friend, nothing more. I don't want to hurt you, but yes I recognized all this deep and meaningful feelings - feelings I never imagined possible to feel and although I can imagine that isn't easy for you all I can give you is my friendship. Nothing more. I don't want to.. I can't lose what I have right now.. I want to see how much these feelings can develop.. how everything will work out...
I hope you can respect that and if you truly love me I'm pretty sure you will because all you'd want for me is to be happy.. and Finn.. I'm happy.. Happy like never before.."
She chose her words wisely, spoke them soft and quietly and hoped that Finn would get the hint and out of the picture, because she couldn't give him more than friendship. The brunette saw him nodding akwardly while he was taking everyting in.
"I want you to be happy Rachel.. but I hoped it'd be with me."
He whispered while his eyes were glued to the floor and Rachel waited for him to continue.
"I will always love you Rachel but I will try to respect your feelings.. I.. I can see how much this new one means to you.. your.. your eyes get this special glint... I.. I will settle with friendship if this is the only way to have you still in my life... but.. can I.. at least hug you again?"
Finn looked up again and Rachel smiled a sad smile while she moved over and hugged him for goodbye.
"Thank you Finn. I really appreciate it.. but now.. I have to ask you to leave.. because I expect someone..."
After one last look at his ex-girlfriend he moved to the front door, waved a last time and went home.
What a night! Rachel let out a deep sigh, ran her fingers through her brown hair and looked over at her clock - just a few moments til Quinn would be here -...or maybe not.
*End of the flashback*
******
The school day was finally over and thankful for that Quinn played for a short moment with the thought of leaving school already and just skip glee club for today, because just the thought of another chapter in the Rachel and Finn love story made her heart clench and stomach sqeaze uncomfortably. Before she could leave the school ground an idea came up in her mind and she turned on her wheels and went straight to the chorroom. Berry loved grand gestures, right? Well, she was pretty sure, that her next move wouldn't be one of these type of things the other girl loved so much, but it involved music and a song about emotions so she passed the threshold and searched for her teacher. While her eyes travelled over the risers she saw Rachel next to Finn and the blond had to supress an eyeroll. As fast as she found Will next to Brad at the piano she moved over and tipped on his shoulder, never seeing Rachel, who stood up to go over to her but stopped when she saw that Quinn was talking to Shuester and sat down again - mildly confused and intrigued at the same time.
"Mr. Shue? I know it's just the first day after summer break, but I'd love to sing right now. A song about all the things I feel right now and although it's not really typically to hear such an request out of my mouth I hope I can go through with my plan, because it really means a lot to me..."
The Fabray was biting her lip, as she waited for the response of her coach, hoping he would give her a shot and as he started smiling and nodding she knew this was her moment. William was curious as to what Quinn wanted to perform so he moved out of the way and left the stage all hers, as the girl went over to Brad and the band to name them her song.
Before she could start the ex-cheerio looked at all of her "friends", then she nodded to the band and as soon as the music started she began loosing herself in her performance, while memories kept flooding her head.
-
Seems like just yesterday, you were a part of me
I used to stand so tall, I used to be so strong
Your arms around me tight, everything it felt so right
Unbreakable, like nothing could go wrong
-
When she opend her eyes she needed a moment to remember herself where she was. She looked around and after a short second she recognized Rachels bedroom - she guessed they had fallen asleep last night while watching Disney movies - but not only her room, also her arm who was traiped over Quinns side and was resting on her stomach. Carefully she tried to roll over in their embrace, but as she was halfway through her turn she saw warm brown eyes smiling down on her.
"Good morning, princess."
A shy smile creeped onto Quinns face before she leaned upwards and kissed Rachels full soft lips to greet her herself, the embrace now stronger, more intense and more secure than just a few seconds before.
She had to close her eyes for a short moment just to relive this wonderful warm morning in the brunettes secure arms, but as she opend her hazel-eyes again she saw said brunette across from her with watering eyes. She had to look away and chose instead to wrap her arms tightly around herself before she sang the next part.
-
No, I can't breathe, no, I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
-
She shook her golden head in negation, clawed her nails in the chest of her dress and let all of her pent up emotions pour out of her as the refrain started. She seemed lost in this song, just like all of her friend, who seemed mesmerized by her performance.
-
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
-
Quinn thought back to all of these moments in her life when she had been left alone. All the moments when life failed her. The pregnancy. Her parents, who had thrown her out. Finn, who let her down. Puck, who tried but failed on his hormones. Her so called best friends - Santana and Brittany - who left her without a second glance and now also Rachel, who traided her for their ex-boyfriend. Tears were pooling in her eyes but she forced herself not to cry, she forced herself to be strong - again and only on her own.
-
I told you everything, opened up and let you in
You made me feel alright, for once in my life
-
"Oh my Barbra! Quinn Fabray is a Nerd! She's a Potterhead!"
Horrified at the presence of the sudden intrusion of her room, Quinn tried to pull the glasses off of her nose, while she tried to hide her book underneath the blanket.
"Rachel! What are you doing here? How did you come in?"
A smirk was plastered on Rachels lips as she came closer and closer, while her eyes were taking in Quinns outfit and her hand stopped her from putting the glasses away. The hint of pink on the fairskinned girl was adorable in the brunettes opinion and so she pulled the blanket away to grab for the book, which she studied for a brief moment, before she placed her fingers at the still blushing girls neck.
"Ravenclaw, hm? I have to agree with that, although Slytherin would've also been a possible house for you."
While Rachel was talking she played with the silver-blue tie, which was knotted around Quinns neck before she moved onto the cloak, which she shedded from the blondes shoulder ere she sat on her lap.
"No worries, Fabray - your secrets are safe with me."
And with that statement she leaned forward to diminish the distance to the pink lips, who belonged to such a Harry Potter Nerd, who put the school uniform on, while she was getting herself lost in the adventures of Harry, Hermoine and Co.
This was just one of the many memories, which came to Quinns mind as she was thinking about "letting Rachel in" and immediately her eyes found Rachels again.
-
Now all that's left of me, is what I pretend to be
So together, but so broken up inside
-
At this almost her whole highschool life came to mind - her everydays facade to everyone - just like today, when all she wanted to do was crying like a little girl, cuddled up under her blankets instead of running through the halls of McKinley High pretending everything was okay.
Cause I can't breathe, no I can't sleep
I'm barely hanging on
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I've cried
Behind these hazel eyes
-
Although the entire club seemed in a trance, some of them seemed to who Quinn seemed to speak with this song and even though it was surprising for one or the other, it was Santana who felt anger at Rachel because she could see how much her best seemed to suffer from her. But before she could forge any plans for revenge, the bridge of the song began and the scene in front of her broke a little piece of her heart, which she always pretended not to have.
Quinn's shoulders were shaking, her entire body seemed to tremble, while pain, disappointment and longing swam in here hazel eyes. The Lopez quickly grabbed for Brittany's hand, who also looked worried for the blonde just to get herself an anchor to not start crying herself.
-
Swallow me, then spit me out
For hating you, I blame myself
Seeing you, it kills me now
No, I don't cry on the outside anymore
Anymore
-
Where Quinn took the ability to sing this part as strong and yet broken at the same time - she did not know herself, but quickly she found herself on her knees on the floor when she sang all these emotions and words. It hurt, it hurt so freaking much. She broke down, collapsed in all the shattered, broken pieces, which were her. Everything ached within her and her heart raced wildly against this pain while she propped her hands on the floor and continued to sing bent forward. Tears were running now over her pale cheeks, while in spite of everything she forced herself to give the last two choruses, while she hid her face from all her friends - no one should see her tears anymore.
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
Here I am, once again
I'm torn into pieces, can't deny it, can't pretend
Just thought you were the one
Broken up, deep inside
But you won't get to see the tears I cry
Behind these hazel eyes
-
The last note was sung like a whisper, her fragile silhouette shaking heavily before Quinn expended quickly and ran out of the room. The tears were now unstoppable, she could not win this fight and so she hurried to her car.
The choir room was silent - no one moved, talked or seemed to dare to breathe - no one responded. All were shocked at what they had just experienced - never had anyone seen the ex-HBIC with such a honesty about her feelings, they witnessed her collapse but still put so much passion into a performance.
After what felt like an eternity, Mr. Schue seemed to have caught himself a little bit, cause he rose from his seat and looked at his club.
"That was..."
But it seemed that words were failing him, as well as all them others, and yet they nodded their heads in agreement, before Rachel suddenly jumped up.
"Oh my Barbra! Quinn! Wait!"
She knew that the other one was not near anymore, let alone could hear her, but it seemed as if she was now woken up from her trance and after what she had just seen and heard, she knew that she had to find the blonde as soon as possible - she had to tell her that she loved her and she did not want to lose her. Her bag snatched, Rachel ran out of the room toward the parking lot, but when she arrived, she could not see Quinn's car. That the blonde drove in this kind of state, she would have scolled her in another situation, but now she was just more worried and even though she was in tears, she got into her car and made her way to the house of the Fabrays.
It was not long before she saw the house in front of her, as well as Quinn's car, which was parked in the driveway so she got out quickly and ran to the front door, where she inevitably heard crying. It appeared that Quinn had not made it from the entrance to her room before she collapsed and Rachel's heart seemed to break a little bit more. Cautiously, she tried to open the front door and to her surprise, she succeeded, but what was unfolding before her eyes, brought a new flood of tears.
Quinn - broken, as she had just sung, lying on the ground, while sobs and tears tormented her tender figure and threatened to destroy it.
Quickly Rachel hurried to Quinn, fell to her knees beside her and pulled her onto her lap and into her arms, hoping that she could convey the blonde still the sense of security while the mentioned gasped for air and tried to shove Rachel away. It broke her heart to see her love in such a way, yet she do not let go of her and tried to calm her with soft shushing noises and kisses on her hair.
"Please Quinn... Shh.. Listen to me... It's not what it seemed like.. Please listen to me.. I.. I love you!.. only you.. please princess... I can't lose you.. I beg you.. Don't leave me.. I need you.. please.. I want you, not Finn... Believe me.. I love you.. so much.."
Rachel's words were broken because she could no longer hold her tears in check - the fear of having the other finally lost choked her throat - she did not want to think about it, yet it seemed to be a possibility. She knew that Quinn was listening to her, because she felt the other was frozen briefly at her confession of love in spite of the violent quakes of her body. It was not the most romantic way to tell someone that you loved them, but if this was the last chance to have the love of her life so close, Rachel would have been condemned as not to say it. She loved Quinn - openly and intimately - and now she knew it - now all she could do was hoping that it was not too late.
"I...I..I've seen you.. kissing.. hugging.. everything.. then today..."
You could hardly understand the Fabray - pain and sobs were underlining her words - but Rachel understood her - Rachel was the only one who seemed to always understood her.
"Everything a big missunderstanding, love... He was there to win me back, but I shot him down.. It's over.. I told him that my heart belonged to someone else.. My heart belongs to you Quinn.. I love you"
It was all too much for the Cheerio and she clawed at Rachel's sweater, trying to anchor herself in this reality,in the hope that this was the only reality. She did not know what to believe, not what was the truth and what was not, and yet she had to hear it once again.
"Sa..Say it again.."
She pressed herself close to Rachel, had to feel her as close as possibly, while her red puffy eyes, searched for the brunettes face.
"A missunderstanding, he..."
But when Rachel saw Quinn shook her head, she knew that it was not what the blond wanted to hear and she thought for a moment to think about what she wanted to hear instead, before it came into her mind. A small smile came over her lips before her hand stroked the pale tearstained cheek of goddess in her arms, looking deeply into her eyes,she spoke.
"I love you, Lucy Quinn Fabray."
Her words were full of honesty, sincerity, which was also reflected in her brown eyes, and although there was a risk that she gets a slap in the face, Rachel leaned forward and kissed Quinn gently and carefully. It was short and did not happen instantly, but soon she felt the blonde seemed to return her kiss - her world felt right again and she secured her embrace on Quinn even more.
How long this kiss was lasting noone knew, but as the tears gradually ceased, Rachel thought again about what she had actually planned to do last evening, and she pulled away from Quinn's lips and looked deep into her eyes.
"I wanted to ask you this yesterday already.. with a big romantic gesture and all, but I have the feeling that if I did not do it now I may lose my chance again .. and ... Will you be my girlfriend? Be MINE?"
Her lungs were burning, her eyes ached, her entire body drained and exhausted, her throat raw and yet Quinn had never felt happier. With surprised eyes, she looked at Rachel, before a smile crept on her face and she put her arms around the brunettes neck.
"I want to be YOURS."
A nod accompanied her words and as Rachel's lips were on hers again, she kissed her back immediately, before she briefly broke away for a second. Just their foreheads were touching as Quinn looked deep into the divas eyes and whispered softly.
"I love you, Rachel Barbra Berry."