A random excerpt from a random chapter I wrote. I was thinking about making it into an actual, long story, but I am still not too sure about it.
There is some mildly adult content, but nothing too explicit to hurt. Hope you enjoy the randomness.
A practical guide for the time traveler from the past: Condoms.
"How was your visit to the healing place?" Altair asked me as soon as I walked into the room. I had tried to be as quiet as possible, but I guess that startling a master assassin was not going to be as easy as I expected. I threw the bags I was carrying on the bed and went into my closet to pick something more comfortable to wear.
"The hospital," I said loud enough for him to hear, though it would not be a problem since I left the door opened. "It was fine. I had like three MRI's and it turns out I don't have a tumor or an aneurism or anything. I had a psych consult as well, but apparently I am not schizophrenic either." I was going through my many racks of clothing, looking specifically for my cute little black shorts which were nowhere to be found.
"Is that good?" he asked me. I had clearly forgotten that out of the words I said, he was probably going to understand just a couple of them. I sighed frustrated, though the frustration vanished the moment I spotted the shorts. I pulled them out from under the other – and quite too many – shorts. I started undressing, eager to get out of the uncomfortable outfit I had to wear today. School was getting stricter towards me specifically, and was now enforcing a dress code.
'We forbid you from wearing your notoriously eccentric attire, Mrs. Jade, at least on school grounds. And please, spare me the lecture on freedom of expression and what not. You have rights but we have regulations and norms you have to conform to. Oh, and don't take this warning too lightly. I know you think that we would not fire you due to your undeniable excellence and it is true. We would not fire such an outstanding person, but, Mr. Randall might be forced to reconsider funding your research After all you can't trust an irresponsible person with such careful and delicate materials, or can you?' That O'Donnell bitch told me today. A part of me wanted to break her face at that very moment but not only would I lose my funding, I was sure it might land me a couple of days in court.
"It is not great," I said to Altair, as I put on the shorts. "It means that you are not a hallucination. It means that you are real and that you really just popped out of the TV."
"I told you I was real," he said, before the sound of something heavy hitting the floor came within my ear reach.
"Altair!" I yelled, dealing with him was like dealing with a little kid. I was sure that by now he had gone through all my drawers, books and, I am sure that if he could, he would've messed with all my computer files by now. "Look, instead of playing around with my things why don't you look at the things I got you?" I offered as I put on my white and black, striped, thigh socks, which I quickly rolled down to have them reach barely below my knees.
"What's this?" he asked me, walking in on me as I put on my black boots, holding the blackberry's box in his hands.
"Get out!" I yelled, when I noticed he was there. I was still shirtless, wearing nothing but a red lacey bra. He chuckled and got out of the room, a smirk on his face. "Idiot," I said, not intending for him to hear. I put on a regular white tank top and a long sleeved, dark red cardigan – which was a tad longer than my shorts - over it.
"That was a blackberry," I said as I left the closet, now fully clothed. "it's a cell phone, I'll teach you how to –," I immediately stopped talking as I saw him standing next to my boudoir, my two top drawers opened.
"And what are these?" He said holding in his hands a box of condoms. My face immediately turned red with embarrassment. Out of all the things he could have picked from my drawers he had to choose the condoms. "Why is your face turning red?" he asked, looking at me like if I was a freak. He opened the box and pulled them out.
"I, okay," I said, I was a serious, centered twenty one year old. If I was mature enough to have sex, I should be mature enough to explain to the man in front of me what condoms were for. I inhaled.
"When a man and a woman love each other very much," I said, my voice trying to sound as calm as possible. But I quickly decided that that approach was just going to end up the wrong way. "Well, okay, I said, pulling out my birth control pills from the opened drawer. Look at these," he turned his view from the condoms which he had already taken out and was now trying to decided what to do with them. "They are birth control pills; I take them so that I don't get pregnant. Those things you are holding – they are called condoms – have the same use."
He stared at me with a blank face and then looked at the condoms he had placed on the boudoir. He took one of them in his hand and looked at me, perplexed. "You have to swallow these things?" I chuckled and drove my palm to my face. The sound created by my hand hitting the face was quite similar to that of clapping, and as such, it caused the lights on the room to go off. Altair then jumped back, mildly startled, when he saw that the piece of latex he was holding started glowing a shade of neon pink.
"That's it! Give me those!" I yelled, taking it from his hand and getting the ones on the boudoir as well. I clapped my hands together and the lights came back on. He was staring at me, as surprised as anybody would be. My face was deep pink again.
"I still want to know how those things work," he said, looking at me as I stuffed them into the one drawer that had a lock. I glared at him.
"Out of all the things I'd thought you might want to ask me about modern life, I did not think it would be condoms. Are you sure you don't want to talk about other things, like Hollywood, surgery, the DNA or even the fucking Large Hadron Collider?"
"What's a large hadron whatever?" He asked me, and I smiled.
"It is like the coolest thing ever," I said, enthusiastically. I loved talking about the LHC but so did every other physicist in the world, "It is this particle accelerator that the CERN built in Switzerland. It is -,"
"Wait," he interrupted me, and I sighed, realizing that I would have to explain a lot of things to him like what was a particle, an accelerator and a fucking Switzerland.
"Yes?"
"Before you explain that, can you finish explaining those 'condom' things?" he asked. I did not and could not possibly imagine what made condoms such an appealing topic. I sighed and stared at him, wondering, trying to figure him out.
"What?" He said, sounding a tad annoyed.
"Nothing," I said, sighing once again. "They are not swallowed; you have to wear them while you have sex."
"Wear them where?"
"Altair," I said, staring at him straight in the eye. "What do you have sex with?"
"Women, do people have sex with different things nowadays?" he asked me in return. I stared at him, by now my annoyance was beyond measure.
"Yes," I answered slowly, remembering all the batshit insane porn videos I had seen, "but that is not the point. I said with what, not with whom. So, what do you have sex with?" Have you seen when someone is trying to communicate with someone who does not speak the language, they just say everything but very, very slowly. Well, that's how I was talking to him by them. This time, however, it clicked.
"Oh," he said, sounding slightly retarded. "Oh."
"Yes, Altair," I said mockingly, "oh." I was just happy it was all over.
"But," he said. It would seem to me that he just could not forget the damn condoms. "Why, do the glow in the dark?"
Because seriously, why should condoms glow in the dark?!