The pain surged through her, harder, faster than any pain had ever been in all of her life. She turned her blue eyes skyward, reaching up a hand as if she might catch in her palm the glittering trail of dust that was her daughter... But as her fingers grasped at the shine, it flickered away, and with it went the light inside of her. Falling to her knees, the queen became very aware of the silence of the battlefield, of how even her foe was silenced by what had just transpired. There were no tears that flowed from her eyes, they were dry as she stared down at the ground, where only moments ago her most precious daughter, the only light in her life left, had lain after taking one of Chaos' attacks. As hard as she had tried to protect Small Lady, she'd been unable, and now she was left alone.
From behind her, she heard the approaching footsteps and heard the soft wail that was Ceres as the young woman fell to the ground with her hands over her face. Their guilt was palpable, she could feel it as much as they could probably feel her own. For a split second, Serenity felt pity for the four young senshi that felt as if they had failed in their duty to protect the crown princess, her daughter. But of course she did not blame them as they blamed themselves, in truth there was no one to blame but herself. Every possibility raced through her- how she could have sent her back in time, how she could have kept her locked away inside the castle, not even permitted her to set foot upon the battlefield. But, Small Lady was a soldier as much as she had been, how could she forbid her from fighting along side her comrades?
If only she had.
"Your daughter is dead, Serenity... Will you now bend to my will?" Chaos' voice rang out from the sky like a thunder clap, the words like a slap to her face. Curling into herself, the queen said nothing, hoping that Chaos would simply end things right then and there. Take her life, what was the point in living now that Small Lady was gone? Living without the others... Without her senshi, her friends, without Endymion... That had been bad enough, but to have lost her child, her only daughter as well? No... Now life truly had no meaning. Now, everything had truly been taken from her. "You have nothing left to lose but those girls behind you, and even they will fall unless you give up." Serenity did not speak, in fact she did not even budge as Chaos' voice boomed overhead. "I will give you one more day, Serenity... And then, I'm coming for you."
And just like that, the sky cleared of its swirling dark clouds, the sun's rays shining down as if to remind her of what she had lost. "Queen..." A soft voice behind her spoke and she raised her head, looking over her shoulder at the four young women. What could they say to her, this queen that had fallen so far, this mother who had been the death of her own child? A queen was no queen if she could not protect those she loved. She gave her head a single shake and rose up from the ground to stand before the Asteroid senshi, looking into every one of their eyes, each one battered and broken from their days of war. Young women who were not meant to see such battles yet, who's task had been to merely protect the young princess. And now they had no one left to protect.
"Do not call me queen, I do not deserve such a title any longer," she said bitterly, striding past the four senshi to escape to the ruins of her once beautiful palace, knowing they would follow if they chose. Though why any one of them would continue to follow her, Serenity could not say. She strode down the broken halls of her castle, her feet taking her the familiar path to Small Lady's chambers.
As she pushed open the door, she was overcome with her daughter's scent, her daughter's very aura which still clung to her belongings within those four walls. Blinking, she allowed the door to swing closed behind her and she crossed the threshold to stand among her daughter's things. There to her left, the bed where she had slept, all pink silk, and to the right was her white desk, where she had studied diligently every night.
Serenity trailed her fingertips over every surface, breathing in whatever was left of her daughter, drinking in the mere memory of her trapped within those four walls. On the desk, a photo from the past stared back at her- to a time when her hair was still yet golden, to when Endymion still supported a little stud earring. She was unable to help herself from smiling at the memory of that moment, recalling how she and Small Lady- no, Chibiusa- had argued over who would stand beside Mamoru for the photo. They had bickered until Mamoru had slipped one arm around her waist and hefted Chibiusa up with the other, silencing both of them. They had smiled for the photo, wide grins that told her just how happy they had been back then, when they had just been Mamoru and Usagi, when Small Lady had just been Chibiusa.
She turned away from the desk then, its top littered with papers, Small Lady's delicate handwriting sprawled out across pages. Far nicer than her own writing could have ever hoped to be, she smiled thinking back to Mars teaching her every letter, every symbol, recalling how excited she had been that day. Serenity felt the pain in her heart mounting and she sat on the edge of her daughter's bed, her hand smoothing out the silk cover, half-expecting to still feel the warmth of her beneath the sheets. But it was cold, much like her heart. A sigh escaped her and Serenity rose up, escaping the confines of her daughter's bedroom, allowing her feet to take her in another direction entirely, this time towards her throne room. Bursting in through the once ornate doors to stand in the very center of the room, Serenity felt her stomach lurch, felt her heart skip a beat. As she stared across the room at her throne, at the canopy of state that hung overhead, she realized she would never sit upon that throne again. How could she, after what she had done? After what she had not done?
Taking slow, hesitant steps, she climbed upon the dais to stand before her throne as her senshi had done hundreds, if not thousands of times. She walked behind it, to where Endymion would have stood, where he would have reached out to touch a warm, gentle hand to her shoulder. She looked to the left side, to where Small Lady would have stood, with her bright eyes and sweet smile, a crown perched precariously atop her head. Never again... Never again would any of those things happen. A small cry escaped her lips then and she sank down, sitting on the edge of the dais, drawing her knees up to her chest as she began to cry. For that moment, she was not a queen, but merely a woman who had lost everything.
Including her will to fight.
[ x x x ]
As promised, Chaos returned the next day.
Serenity had not moved from her place in the throne room and to be honest, she didn't plan on moving any time soon. That was it, she had given up. When there was nothing left for her in this world, in this life, why would she care what Chaos did to her or to this planet? She had failed- as a mother, as a queen, and as a soldier. She did not deserve any of those titles, not anymore.
And so she made no moves at all as what was left of her palace fell down around her, leaving behind nothing more than a skeleton. High above her, in the sky, Chaos stared down at her with piercing eyes, her grin widening as she met her gaze. "I told you Serenity, I would give you one day to make your choice." Chaos' malicious tone sent chills racing down her spine but still Serenity did not speak. "Have you made it?" Serenity turned her gaze away from her enemy and out into the courtyard, which she could so plainly see now that the walls had been ripped away, and there stood the four Asteroid senshi. They held hands, a human chain standing before the front steps, as if this alone would protect what was left of their palace, of their ruined queen within. Something inside of her stirred and Serenity sat up a little straighter, returning her gaze to Chaos above her. "Or must I make it for you?"
When she did not speak, Chaos gave a little snort and sighed, throwing her hands into the air. The attack that rained down took down all four of the Asteroid senshi long before Serenity could even react. She felt the dimming of their light as she sat there, trapped inside her own grief, unable to even protect the final four senshi, the only links she had left to her child. Their bodies tumbled to the ground and Serenity stared out at them, pushed past feeling pain, instead overcome with numbness as she slowly rose to her feet. "Now you are truly alone, will you still not give in?" Serenity tilted her head back to look up at Chaos above her, a strange feeling welling up within her. Did it... Did it have to really end right here, right now? Was there truly nothing else she could do, to protect what was left of this planet?
For whatever reason, she recalled a moment from her past, a moment when she'd faced a very similar situation. Back to when she had still been Tsukino Usagi, when she had been nothing more than a soldier with a heart full of hope and love. Where had that girl gone? Serenity blinked, realizing only then that tears were streaming down her cheeks. Was this really it, then? Was there truly no escaping this? Something filled her up, something other than grief, and she felt it... Felt the power welling up within her. The power that she needed to get back on her feet and make a change. It was in her hands a moment later, glowing brightly as the moon itself, and Serenity said a silent prayer, asking for the strength of those she had lost. Let me save you... Her wish bubbled over in the form of a brilliant burst of light, so bright it sent Chaos reeling back, hissing as the pure white energy burned her skin. "What is this..." The evil being whispered, watching as the light enveloped the queen, changing her before her very eyes.
The light was gone and then standing there was someone entirely new, someone changed. A fuku of silver and gold, silver hair streaming down her back in her signature twin-tails. When she opened her eyes, they were of the same indigo blue, but full of anguish, full of all the pain the woman had felt since the war had begun. Serenity- no, that was not her name anymore- Cosmos raised up her staff, knowing there was something she had to do, someone she had to see before she could ever save the world she'd come to love so much.
And then she was gone, disappearing from the battlefield, taking with her the four fallen Asteroid senshi, whose light had not yet died out. All five of them reappeared on the edge of the galaxy, to watch the final show of courage of her past self. It was only then that she could recall the imense hope in which she had felt back then, when the power of every sailor crystal was thudding through her, when she thought she might break from the sheer power in her hands. But she'd released it, saving the galaxy, and returning the crystals to every senshi that had lost hers. It was only then... Only then that she could turn to the four remaining senshi and tell them the truth, that she was a coward, that she had forgotten what it was like to be that soldier of love and justice.
But no more.
She would return to her time and she would save them, all of them. She would restore the lives of those she loved most and this time... And this time... This time she would protect them with all of her heart.