Title: Time is the Fire
Author: Wildcat
Series: TOS
Rating: MA
Codes: S/U
Summary: During the events leading up to Star Trek V, Spock and Uhura adjust to being together again.
Disclaimer: Paramount owns Kirk, Spock, Uhura, and company. I have just borrowed them for a while, and I will not profit from any of this.
This story is a part of my continuing Spock/Uhura universe. It takes place between The Kobayashi Maru and The Secret Gate.
Thanks to my beta readers Jungle Kitty, Suzie, and Ebonbird.
Feedback is desired.
Each minute bursts in the burning room,
The great globe reels in the solar fire,
Spinning the trivial and unique away.
(How all things flash! How all things flare!)
What am I now that I was then?
May memory restore again and again
The smallest color of the smallest day:
Time is the school in which we learn,
Time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz, 1937
from Calmly We Walk Through This April's Day
Time is the Fire, chapter 1
Uhura walked into her quarters aboard the new Enterprise. "Thank heavens! Sanctuary."
"Indeed." Spock followed her back to the bedroom and placed his duffel next to hers on the bed. "Although I had looked forward to our leave with anticipation, I must confess that I am most satisfied to be back on board the ship."
"Me too. What a disaster! It's been months since we brought the whales back. I would have expected the furor to die down by now." Shaking her head with a mock shudder, she said, "Thank heavens they caught us at the very beginning of our leave, before we checked into the hotel. Wouldn't it have been awful if we'd gotten up tomorrow morning to find the reporters camped out on our doorstep? How do you think they knew we were down there, anyway?"
"No doubt someone recognized us. Although Starfleet Command made every effort to downplay the details, enough became public to draw unwanted attention. Interestingly, the press seemed to be more curious about your notoriety than mine."
She moved close and wrapped her arms around his waist. "Well, you know me, a wanted criminal, aiding and abetting a hijacking. That makes for a much more sensational story." She gazed at him for a moment, and when she spoke again, her tone was serious. "Truthfully, the few details about you that slipped past Starfleet's effort to classify Genesis are just too mind—boggling for anyone to accept. Dying and coming back to life—it's so unbelievable that everyone has discounted it as rumor. Heavens, I still don't know what to think about it, and I'm not exactly an impartial observer."
"No, you are not, and for that I am grateful."
She smiled. "So, what do you want to do for the rest of our leave? We have three days, and we can't just spend them on the ship."
"Perhaps we can limit ourselves to day trips, avoiding the more heavily populated areas."
"That's a good idea. A nice, quiet leave." She kissed him quickly, then turned and picked up her duffel. "Well, I'm going to get ready for bed. Why don't you stay here with me tonight, and maybe we can start early in the morning."
"That is acceptable."
He watched her saunter into the bathroom before he moved to her closet to hang up his clothing. It was difficult to believe that they had been apart for over ten years, for once they had resumed their relationship, it seemed as if no time had passed. As a matter of fact, he had noticed that it was the same for the entire command crew. Except for the fact that this ship was not yet performing to the standards of the original Enterprise, an uninformed observer would easily assume nothing had ever changed.
She spoke loudly enough to be heard over the running water. "I meant to tell you that I talked to Saavik today. She's really enjoying her new job as the Starfleet liaison to Vulcan Space Central."
"Indeed?" He walked over to the dresser and removed the old blue pajama pants that Nyota had bought for him so many years ago. He found it fascinating that she had never disposed of them. "I am pleased to hear that. I had predicted that she might be disappointed at her transfer from a deep-space assignment."
"Oh, I think she's a little disappointed that she's not on the Enterprise with us, but being on Vulcan makes up for it. Evidently, she and Amanda have been spending a lot of time together." Nyota laughed. "You know that their favorite topic is bound to be us."
"I am quite certain that you are correct."
She leaned out the door. "You don't mind?"
"Actually, I am pleased that they have one another. As a matter of fact, this is probably why we have heard so little about our relationship from Saavik. She has found someone else to satisfy her desire for..." He paused, seeking the proper word.
"Gossip?"
"Yes. That is it."
He pulled back the bedcovers as she chuckled and started brushing her teeth. Reaching for her padd on the bedside table, he sat on the bed and leaned back against the headboard, and began searching for interesting reading material.
"Spock? Do you think I'm getting gray?"
He looked up to see her peering into the bathroom mirror, an expression of concern on her face. Thumbing off the padd, he said, "Are you speaking of your hair color?"
"Of course I am!"
"In that case, yes, I have noticed a substantial increase in the number of gray hairs on your head recently."
She frowned, looking closer at her reflection, "I really do have a lot, don't I?"
"That is to be expected for a human of your age."
"Of my age?" She left the bathroom. "What do you mean by that?"
He hesitated. "You are 49 years old, Nyota."
"I know I'm 49. That's not old!"
"I did not say it was. However, it is not unusual for a middle-aged human to begin noticing changes such as gray hair."
"Middle-aged?"
Uncertain about how to extricate himself from this, he regarded her warily. "If it disturbs you, perhaps you should change your hair color."
She grimaced. "That's an awfully big concession to age."
"Then you should accept it. I do not understand why you are concerned, at any rate. It is only your appearance. It does not change who you are or how I feel about you."
She smiled, and he relaxed. Evidently he had chosen the right words.
Fluffing her pillow, she said, "Maybe I should color it. What would you do if it were you?"
"I have not considered the matter. It will be many years before I—"
"Never mind! I get the idea." She tossed the pillow back onto the bed. "Anyway, I'm not going to color it. As a matter of fact, I think it's flattering. It's not gray, exactly. More a silver color."
He put down the padd and moved to the edge of the bed. "Are you finished in the bathroom?"
"Yes, go ahead. Don't you think it's more silver than gray?"
Making no effort to hide his amusement, he said, "Nyota, I have always found you very attractive, and that has not changed. If your hair color concerns you, however, you should alter it. You always have been rather vain—"
She straightened indignantly. "I have not!"
He looked at her without speaking, and finally she laughed. "Okay, maybe a little bit." Pushing the strap of her nightgown up on her shoulder, she sat beside him. "It's just that growing old has always been a little scary to me. Silly, I know."
"It is illogical to resist a natural process."
She tucked a leg underneath herself, and the strap slid off her shoulder again. Returning it to its proper place, she said, "That's easy for you to say. I have more body parts than you do that will be affected by gravity."
"So I have noticed."
"I'll bet you have."
The strap fell from her shoulder yet again, but when she adjusted it, he quickly covered her hand with his own and pushed it back off. She looked into his eyes in surprise.
Brushing his lips against her shoulder, he murmured. "And I assure you that not a one has yet been adversely affected by gravity."
She wove her fingers through his hair and laughed throatily. "Oh, you sweet talker."
He did not comment, instead using his tongue to trace a pattern on the cool, soft skin at the juncture of her neck and shoulder. She shivered and tightened her grip on the back of his head, but he did not allow her reaction to lessen his attention to the exploration of this portion of her body. Everything about her was so familiar, yet so exotic—her slightly salty taste, her warm scent. He had used only the most perfunctory of his senses to observe her for the last ten years, and now it seemed that he could not get enough of her.
Sliding his hand across her back to brace her, he increased the pressure of his mouth against her shoulder. She inhaled sharply, and abruptly he experienced a surge of almost overpowering desire. He pushed the nightgown off her other shoulder and pulled her against him, running his teeth and lips roughly over the base of her neck. His actions forced her off-balance, and he could tell that only his hand on her back kept her upright.
Leaning her head back to expose more of her neck, she whispered, "Oh, yes."
Not ceasing his attention to her neck and shoulder, he ran his hand down the side of her body until he found the hem of her nightgown. She was still seated on her leg nearest him, but even though her gown was pinned on that side, he was able to push it out of the way until he cupped her bare buttock in his hand. She moaned, shifting in an attempt to press her body to his, so he tightened his hold until he had pulled her onto his lap.
Suddenly the aggressor, she straddled him, grinding herself against him. The unexpected pressure of her body against his caused him to briefly lose control, and he bit her shoulder hard enough to leave teeth marks. He was immediately aware of what he had done, and he forced himself to move his lips to the top of her barely exposed breasts.
Blindly reaching down, she pulled the nightgown up to her waist. The silk of his pajamas was slick and cool, and he knew that she was seeking the sensation of the silk against her own flesh. Inflamed again by her brazen carnality, he tightened his grip and turned, flipping her onto her back and covering her with his body.
She was panting now, rubbing herself against him. He closed his eyes, concentrating on the feeling of the thin, increasingly damp fabric as it slid back and forth across his erection. He knew that it would be easy to reach orgasm like this, but he held onto his control. As she grew increasingly abandoned, he diverted his thoughts to providing her with as much pleasure as possible so that he would not dwell on his own sensations.
Stiffening, she threw her head back with an unintelligible cry. Her fingers tightened spasmodically on his back, and he pressed his lips to her neck, fighting against his own urge for release.
"Oh, Spock." Her voice was hoarse, and she continued to press herself against him while fumbling with the drawstring at the front of his pants. "I want you in me, just like this."
"Yes, Nyota. Yes."
He paused only long enough to assist her attempt to loosen his pants, and he gasped when he felt her cool hands around his erection. An instant later, he was poised at the entrance to her body, and it was a simple matter to slide into her moist, welcoming depths.
Without hesitation he began pumping, holding her gaze as he thrust into her body. He studied her face—her large, dark eyes, her full lips—and it struck him that the sight of his own pleasure reflected in her expression was immensely rewarding. Not wanting to wait another moment to possess all of her, he found her meld points with his fingertips.
Her eyes fluttered shut, and he felt her satisfaction at the contact of his mind against her own. She welcomed him, wanted him, found joy in their union. The recognition of how right this was brought him to the edge, and he finally decided to surrender himself to release. His fingers never leaving her face, he tilted his head back and knew vaguely that she was with him, their thoughts soaring together until they found themselves back in the bed, limbs entangled, panting for breath and drained of energy.
Not opening his eyes, he stroked her face while they waited for their heart rates to slow. He had propped himself on his elbow at some point, but his arm quickly grew too weary to support his weight, so he rested his head on the pillow beside her.
He opened his eyes at her gentle chuckle.
Her breath warm against his cheek, she said, "So much for getting to bed early."
"Whatever we choose to see tomorrow will still be there, even if we do not rise when originally planned."
"Good point. Besides, this was a much better way to start our leave." Tracing a light pattern on his back, she smiled when he shivered. "I have to tell you that I really missed this when we were apart. You ruined me on sex with anyone else."
"Good. I am pleased to hear that."
She laughed, and he allowed the corner of his mouth to turn up in response. They gazed at one another for a long moment, but when she shifted, he knew that his weight had grown too great for her. He rolled onto his back and pulled her up against his chest. Soon they would need to sleep, but for now he was content simply to hold her.
...
Stretching lazily, Uhura listened to the sound of running water as Spock finally prepared for bed. She hadn't been kidding when she had said that this was a great way to start their leave. She'd trade a full night's rest for sex like this any time.
The bathroom light went off, and a moment later she felt his weight in the bed. Snuggling up next to him, she asked, "So, what should we do tomorrow?"
"Would you rather visit a wilderness area or an historical site?"
"Oh, I don't know. As long as the weather is nice, I don't really care."
"It would be a simple matter to alter our previous plans and explore the French countryside."
"That might be fun," she said wistfully, "but I'm really disappointed we had to cancel our weekend in Paris. That would have been perfect!"
He was quiet for a long moment. "Then perhaps we should go to Paris."
"You know we can't do that," she said with a smile. "Someone would recognize us, and before you know it, every tabloid in this part of the galaxy would have a holo of the two of us right under a headline speculating about our relationship."
"Would that be so bad?"
She opened her mouth but didn't know what to say. After a moment, she drew back in order to look into his eyes. The room was too dark for her to see anything more than the outline of his head, however.
"Are you ready for that?" she asked.
She could tell that he was studying her face, and she really wished that the lights were up so she could try to read him. When he finally spoke, the tone of his voice was no less enigmatic than his expression.
"We kept our relationship a secret before, but I do not want to do that anymore. As a matter of fact, I think that we should formalize our relationship."
Her heart began to pound so hard that it felt like it was in her throat. "What do you mean?" she whispered.
"I mean that I wish to bond with you. It is only logical. Our current arrangement limits us in so many ways, and now that we are together I intend for us never to part. Bond with me. Now."
"Now? As in tonight?"
"Yes." He ran his fingers over her meld points, teasing her, hinting at what could be. "We are already so attuned to one another that it would be a simple matter. I would touch you just so, and—"
"Wait. Wait a minute. This is so sudden." She sat up and pushed back her hair with trembling fingers. "We've only just gotten back together. I love you and the thought of spending the rest of my life with you is... is incredible, but don't you think this is rushing it?"
"No. I do not." Also sitting up, he leaned forward to emphasize his words. "We have lost so many years, moments that have passed and cannot be restored. It would be illogical to lose even more when we both know that this is right. Please. Bond with me. Tonight."
"It's a big commitment."
"We have already been through this." His voice betrayed a flicker of impatience. "I thought that you had resolved your uncertainties when you agreed to resume our relationship."
"I did, but this is different!"
"How?"
"It... It's bigger. We're talking forever."
"Were we not before?"
"Yes, I suppose, but—"
"Then I do not understand."
"It's just too sudden. I need time to think." She took a deep breath. "Please. Just give me some time. I'm still getting used to the fact that we're back together, and now this... I need some time to get used to the idea. All right?"
He sighed lightly. "I do not understand your reasoning, but if you are not ready to commit to me, then of course I must await your decision."
Unable to reply, she watched as he settled back down.
"You obviously cannot resolve anything tonight." His voice was unreadable. "Go to sleep."
She nodded slowly and put her head on the pillow. "You do know that I love you, don't you?"
"Yes."
She waited for him to say more, but finally she rolled onto her back. She and Spock were separated by only a few centimeters, but it seemed a huge distance. How could he have asked this of her so quickly? It was too much, too soon. She was barely used to the idea of being with him again. Surely he understood.
Staring at the ceiling, she knew that she wouldn't go to sleep for a long time tonight.
...
Waking yet again, Uhura looked up at the chronometer in her ceiling and was surprised at the time. 0713 hours. Finally. She had thought that morning might never come.
She rolled over to see that Spock was sleeping peacefully, and her chest grew tight. Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up like this for the rest of her life? Seeing him every morning for years and years, growing old together...
The anxious feeling of the night before returned, the weight on her ribcage so stifling that it felt like she was in a pressure chamber, and she rubbed her eyes with both hands. She hadn't slept more than three hours. How could she think clearly like this?
She opened her eyes to see Spock watching her, evidently awakened by her movements. He regarded her for a long moment.
"You do not appear well-rested," he said cautiously.
She snorted. "Well, you're pretty perceptive."
He raised an eyebrow, and she realized belatedly how irritable she'd sounded. Before she could apologize, he reached over and smoothed her hair away from her face.
"Actually, I have been told that I often fail to interpret subtle human emotional states correctly. Perhaps I detected yours because it is so far from subtle."
"I'm sorry. It's just that I didn't sleep well last night. You might say that I had a lot on my mind."
"And?"
"And I still don't know. It's just so soon, and—"
"I see."
His hand dropped, and she bit her lip at the obvious disappointment in his expression.
"Spock, please—"
"Unless you have something new to add, discussion is useless. Have you thought of something we did not already mention last night?"
"No, except... Well, I'm wondering if maybe it would be better if we didn't spend this leave together. It'll be easier for me to think if we're apart."
"Understood."
Watching as he pushed back the covers and climbed out of bed, she said, "Are you sure? It's not that I don't want to be with you, it's just that I need time to think."
He walked to her closet, took off his pajama pants, and reached for the clothing he had hung up last night. "Captain Kirk and Dr. McCoy invited me to go camping with them in Yosemite Park. Perhaps if I hurry, it will not be too late for me to join them."
"Please answer me. Are you sure you understand?"
His trousers in his hand, he turned back. "Truthfully? No. I do not. I do not understand at all. As I stated last night, it was my belief that you had resolved your uncertainties when you agreed to resume our relationship. Because we have already covered that, there is no point in discussing it now."
She rose and walked in his direction. "Please don't be hurt. This doesn't mean that I love you any less."
"I am not hurt. I am merely confused."
She couldn't stop herself from becoming exasperated. "Well, so am I."
"Obviously." He turned away and began putting on his clothing.
She moved over so that he would be forced to look at her. "Don't be so unfair! You can't expect me to make a decision like this overnight."
He ignored her as he pulled his shirt over his head, but finally he pressed his lips together and looked in her direction. His demeanor somewhat deflated, he said, "You are correct. That was unfair of me. However, I still do not understand how you cannot see something that is so clear to me. I will allow you your time, but I am reminded of two lines from a poem: 'Time is the school in which we learn, time is the fire in which we burn.' Have you not learned from our past? We have been burned before. I do not wish to see it happen again."
"Oh, Spock. Neither do I."
He nodded, then fastened his jacket and turned to her. Softening, he said, "Of course. I know that you do not."
"Please have fun in Yosemite. I'll see you when you get back."
"And what of you? Do you intend to spend your entire leave here alone?"
She shrugged. "Scotty said something about supper tonight at his favorite Aberdeen pub. I told him I was busy, but maybe I'll tell him I can go after all. That'll probably be my only excursion. I imagine I'll need all the time I can get just to think about this."
"Very well."
They both fell silent, and finally he nodded and walked away. Just as he reached her outer door, however, she rushed after him.
"Spock, wait!"
He paused, and she pulled his head down and kissed him, long and thoroughly. When she drew back, she could see his hopefulness that she might have already changed her mind. She searched his eyes, willing him to understand that she simply wasn't ready for this.
Finally, he looked away, and neither of them spoke again as he left. She stared at the door for a long moment, then wandered back to the bathroom and gazed in the mirror. Idly pushing a lock of gray hair away from her face, she thought about what he had said.
Time was a school, time was a fire...
Moments that had passed, gone forever. Years, burned to ashes. The lessons, hard lessons, of their past. She knew that she loved him and wanted him. She knew that they would be very happy together.
Why, then, could she not commit to forever with him?
End chapter 1