OOOO
Candles
No words could be spoken since Ranma walked past the eclectic gate of their dim-lit house. The cabalistic wind gushed and prattled dissonantly through Ranma's ears as he closed the door shut. The day was over, finally, noticing his breath stuck in his larynx, the cobalt-eyed man heaved a soundless sigh and diffused in the discomfort of feeling his stomach as hefty as the unsettling precipitation that was already jabbering over the rooftop of their house.
He cursed yet again, the only existing cure for the maladaptive thoughts that encased his torment was probably sleeping, or so he expected.
The backpack dangled loosely over his left arm as he shrilly pondered in the idea of simply cussing his troubled mind out loud, he wanted to scream. He soon hauled his impulses in, it was an hour past midnight and the various urges to break the furniture around soon edged him to violently drop his backpack on the floor and sit adamantly calm in the living room's sofa. On a better day he would have not allowed such messy behavior to come over him, but then again, dropping his backpack on the entrance gate wasn't as evil as he condemned it to be.
He breathed, the long drag of cold air prated at his lungs as his icy hands gripped the leathery fabric of the couch he was sitting on, his shoulders tensed slightly at the sound of footsteps walking down from upstairs to the quiet space that happened to be the living room "Long day boy?" The sweet, caring voice of his lover was a crucial medicine he out rightly needed to stay sane and not open a hole in the nearest wall.
Acknowledging Youki's presence was easy, flinching at his invasive touch was another level whatsoever. The young brunette sauntered all the way near him and kneeled in front of the sofa, "Boy?" His approach would have been longed-for any other day, but when Youki came in for a welcome-home hug, Ranma couldn't help but recoil.
Being as distant as he felt with even himself, Ranma's hand was rapid to keep their enclosure at a notorious distance and not wanting to notice the disappointment in Youki's eyes, the raven-haired proceeded to speak, "Long shitty ass day."
"It seems so." Youki frowned in concern, "What's wrong? Did something happen at work?" Ranma kept his gaze aloof and he moved his head in negative. He scanned almost viciously at his lover's face, the predatory examination could either mean a warning to stay away or a much concocted idea. Probably one that he didn't want to admit today, at least not right now, not with this mood.
I need you.
"Did something happen at the university?"
Ranma negated yet again, he was still stiffly resting on the couch and this time he didn't flinch when Youki finally dared to sit beside him, moving indiscreetly close, the raven closed his eyes as Youki wrapped his arms around his neck. The younger permitted silence to settle in between them, Ranma's shell hardened sometimes more than not but the challenging brashness was never enough to swat him off.
The raven's entire body felt cold and slightly wet to Youki's corporeal warmth and that only left the young boy to ponder in how much Ranma spent soaking in the cold brisk rain outside their house. The curly-haired sighed worriedly and he allowed minutes to pass as he breathed calmly against the right side of his lover's neck. Kissing it tenderly, Youki witnessed how his affections soothed his lover from his initial barricading attitude.
Ranma's hand fisted on the rough fabric and he soon allowed himself to feel enticed by his lover's warm breath mingling candidly against his ear, "Ranma?" The shivers provoked by the soft lips moving against his ear made their way through his back in pleasant waves of heat. The raven's right hand moved down to caress from Youki's knee to his inner thigh in reciprocity of the secrecy and intimacy they were sharing, realizing he profoundly needed this, Ranma decided to confide in Youki again.
"I… I was remembering… things," He shook his head as his eyes grew despondent, "I was remembering all of them." The raven's head hung lowly as his younger companion slid his bare legs over his lap in a nearness gesture, "Sometimes I don't want to believe they are all gone."
Youki's arms tightened around his shoulders and delicately, his lips pressed over Ranma's higher cheekbone until he was allowed to soundlessly peck his boyfriend's ear, an intimation that only egged the cobalt-eyed man to continue giving voice to the murkier side of his thoughts. "I don't think I even miss them Youki, but at the same time I-" Cutting himself off of the speech, Ranma heaved a long drag of air and he later continued.
"-I… think I do…"
Disclosing in the self-deprecating silence, Ranma pulled Youki's waist closer to him until he was sure his younger lover was fully sitting on his lap; the everlasting warmth that only Youki could offer seemed the only reliable place where his head could immerse in without thinking in the insufferable tomorrow. A tomorrow that was sure to come, but a tomorrow he wasn't ready for.
Youki waited in stillness, his muteness brought his lover the ease and comfort he was surely pursuing and only when he was sure Ranma was ready to listen to what he had to say, his mouth opened to speak.
"Maybe you should come in terms with the person who you used to be. The person you think you are no longer him but maybe you still have inside of you. That innocent part of you that misses them every day." Listening carefully to Youki's heartfelt words, Ranma's heart dropped in misty unrest, his eyes burned with edging tears that were only denied by his self-destructive obduracy that persisted even after over five years without ever stopping to bend.
His ears welcomed everything his lover had to say, "You may need to notice that you miss yourself as well. You miss that self who loved them unconditionally, and you know that remaining side of you still does. Because it is still alive, within you that is."
Ranma's head though moving negatively, was able to recognize such words were easily piercing inside home, his mouth remained sealed as Youki continued, "You have buried yourself alive."
The unbearable weight on the raven's shoulder finally found some frail side of him where he could lent a little bit, shrouded with ease in the past, Ranma could no longer pretend it was an easy bearing to live with, Youki's words persisted within the raw quietness he would otherwise have "You may think that your former-self is the only person allowed to love them, consequently to suffer them. I don't feel like a wheel-chair psychologist but I may know you enough to guess."
Ranma sighed, his throat felt thinner and painful to concoct the hefty lump that formed inside of it, Youki kissed his cheek to later enclose his lover's face to the crook of his neck, burying his lover in that warm spot, he allowed his words to touch the barest point of the sole conversation "If this is true then this may cause you to feel unhappy with who you are now love."
Caressing his black hairs, Youki pulled him from his hug and used his hand to lift the raven's chin and clash gazes. The youngest voice kept on his resolve, "But you can love them even now, even after all of what they did, after all of what they didn't do."
Ranma moved his head once more, negatively still, cheeks in between Youki's gentle hands, he couldn't hide when his eyes spilled the grieving he always restricted from himself, cursing with tear stained lips; he couldn't help but feel weak.
Youki's own heart shattered to pieces, his thumbs wiped the crystalline tears that rolled with ease on each side of his lover's face and with a soother voice, he unrestrained his words to dance in healing gist "Ranma you need to allow yourself to love them and miss them as you think you would have done if you were still the Ranma you think died when they did. You may think that you, the Ranma that you turned out to be has no right whatsoever to ever feel any possible pain that may correlate them, I might be wrong and I hope so, but you may think you are not allowed or expected to feel nothing; anything but anger."
The younger's hands let the raven's tear-stained face down, gently pulling him close, Youki hugged his frail lover close to his neck and embraced every inch he could touch, with a mild sigh, Youki alleviated in the feeling of protecting his older lover from everything and anything, he realized he genuinely wished to protect him, even from Ranma's own mind. After sensing his lover's breath easing out, Youki decided to speak in a whispery silent tone.
"That anger can't deceive me boy," The young brunette's fingers caressed his raven's back and roamed delicately over the red hoodie that mantled his lover's skin, moving his right hand close to Ranma's neck, he permitted his fingers to wander affectionately through the onyx dark tresses he let loose with a rapid swipe of the rubber band that held them together in a characteristic braid, "Not me Ranma… not even you."
"It's okay to be strong, you can be strong for a rather long time. Even when many of those things happened you stood almost aloof and out of it." Youki closed his eyes as Ranma's tears dampened the side of his neck, the watery balminess didn't bother him, the young brunette understood that his raven's tears meant even more than his sole and raw obstructed pain, it also showcased the frank and sincere closeness they were able to create between them, "But It is painful to pretend."
Youki tightened his kind embrace. Moving swiftly, the younger brunette moved delicately to straddle Ranma in complete vulnerability, he waited until he was sure Ranma could digest what he had to say for last. "That's the thing about pain," He sighed empathetically and he kissed the crown of Ranma's head, "it demands to be felt."
Ranma gasped breathlessly against Youki's perfumed neck, he breathed in the only sweet scent that could give him life, he knew Youki had nothing left to say, and he also knew it was all he needed to hear. Ranma let the words to unravel inside of him, he knew Youki's words were certain to his unrelenting feelings and they fathomed his raw wounds. The gratitude the raven felt towards his lover deemed rampantly through his chest as he closed his eyes yet again, his wounds would heal, he was convinced of it. If Youki remained by his side, then he would be fine.
He could stay the way he was as long as Youki allowed him. Words already stitching up large grievances, Ranma sighed in the heartwarming feeling of being led to a truth that he may or may not wanted to acknowledge before. But compassionately indulgent and sincere, Ranma knew the astringent truth about his excruciating pain could have not be spoken in a sweeter manner before. Not if it wasn't from Youki's candid lips.
He felt understood and he knew he didn't need to reply back. He just allowed the words to sink in, and just after his tears lessened, he allowed himself to be lost in the mystifying and glorious feeling of having shared his most affected side to the only person who would ever see it. His strong arms tightened their hold and he nodded, that would be his only response, the only he could convey and he knew Youki was fine with it, because even though it was simpler than even Ranma would have expected, it was as meaningful as having opened in the first place.
.
Though having had the wish to defeat his wretchedness at least for today, Ranma realized he wouldn't get rid of any of his damaging and tormenting feelings only by confronting them once, not speaking about them, nor hearing about them. He could admit they weren't as abrasive anymore and even so, he was sure that addressing them once work sometimes, or perhaps it would work better if he tried again, he groaned silently, Ranma hopelessly apprehended that today was not that day; Youki's constant therapy suddenly had more sense for him.
The wrongful thoughts only subsided enough for him to decide he needed to be alone, he felt frustrated. As both went upstairs after having bounded the way they did, Ranma thought to himself that honestly, he couldn't actually immerse himself in watching a movie as planned, but rather he would need some time alone. Voicing out his inner troubles was never his specialty and he thanked any mighty deity that witnessed his struggle and compelled enough empathy that it made Youki notice almost instantly.
It wasn't easy, letting Youki momentarily leave his embrace wasn't something Ranma expected to be as difficult as it felt. But then again, Ranma understood the toxicity he could diffuse and his mind swirled around the harm he could easily elicit. He couldn't incarcerate his behavior in sheer anger, not excuse it, nor convey it and not that anyone deserved it, certainly not his lover, but that's how sadness embodied him. And frankly, sadness could be misused in terms of intensity.
"Are you sure you want to be alone?"
A simplistic nod was all Youki needed to apprehend Ranma's almost voiceless request. Though internally wishing he had being able to stay longer with him, he comprehended Ranma's urge to be by himself and to soften the situation for him, Youki casually commented his desire to take a quick bath as well as his urgency to go to the next street's supermarket for food and other supplies that he briefly listed for the raven.
The brunette was smiling all the way.
Though occasionally a serious person, Youki could easily display the most earnest, playful and bubbly personality Ranma had ever had the chance of beholding; he had a joyful laugh and a very talkative mouth that rarely ran out of words. Lightheartedly, the raven barely understood how was that they even matched, but positively, he appreciated how flawlessly they balanced each other; Youki's breeze smile held the affectionate assurance he so desperately needed.
The same comfort the hazel's voice upheld when he excused himself to leave and winked prettily, Youki promised, silently, that everything would be fine and if solitude could heal his broken heart, then mountains could be brought uproar and once he walked back down, he would still be there, 'just as in love, don't worry'.
.
His misty, unlit eyes were fixated on the metallic drapes of the window he stood in front of. The outset was darkened in between heavy grey clouds that promised nothing but coldness throughout the entire day, more accurately, the night that encased upon his lashing outbreath.
He asked for this solitude, literary so. He exhaled noiselessly as his fingers pelted against the slick glass window and after taking a long drag off of his cigarette, Ranma engrossed in the lingering thought that he wished he had asked Youki to stay and watch the movie together instead of what he actually asked for. Thoughts were strafing at his skull and his eyes closed in relief as he reminded himself that Youki was not out of the house yet and he would be out of the bathroom soon enough.
He could still retract himself, for all of what his honesty craved, Ranma knew he needed him.
.
His eyes adverted vaguely to the closest alcoves, once, twice, even a third time, he exhaled out loud, his mind twisted in vague fluster as he dismissed the view upfront and he grunted in tenseness, his cheeks were vividly burning; why wasn't he over nakedness already? It was not like it was the first time he ever saw his lover without any clothes on but Youki… it was Youki's bare skin that made him exceptionally nervous.
His disdain mismatching his indecent eagerness was probably stronger than before; butterflies, scalds and fevers, every time. Reckless behavior and feral stares that exchanged lust were some of his most secretive admissions and yet he frequently felt shy against exposition. He could argue in contradiction of inhibition, considering he was often touchy and stare-y towards his partner, it was hard to understand how he couldn't be casual about nudity.
Admittedly, he just felt too self-aware of what that body could make him do, or do to him. He knew how much he enjoyed the sense of domination and if Youki's clothes fell to the floor, there was not much control he could contain. He swallowed, that still didn't explain why the butterflies were unremittingly under his skin.
When he first realized he wanted Youki to stay, he acted on sheer impulse, he huffed and without knocking, he forced the bathroom's door open and though he startled Youki at first, Ranma noticed how easily it was for Youki to interpret his sudden coyness, no that his carmine face didn't speak for him. "Uh," the day's uneasiness disappeared momentarily only to be replaced by shame, "I-I just wanted to" The raven swallowed, he then stuttered and tried once more, only to ultimately back off, "I-I…"
Youki felt amused, there was no amount of torment that could make his lover less timid, or more likely, less traditional-minded, 'yes, despite it all.'
"What is it?" Frisky, the hazel-haired youth stood shamelessly on the tub he was peacefully enjoying and after Ranma's neck colored, he decided to follow the eldest before he could flee. Naked, soaking-wet, and nonchalantly frolicsome, Youki ran a hand through his curly locks as Ranma prayed for Youki's legs to be less divine because God, he needed to breathe. The young brunette heard him stammer again some ridiculous, poor-phrased explanation about wanting to watch the movie and 'nothing more, s-sorry for bargaining'.
Playfully, Youki leaned on the door's wooden frame and watched as his lover gagged internally, grabbing a hold of a white towel and wrapping it around his hipbone, he waited calmly until Ranma appeared to be less bothered, his beryl eyes softened, he couldn't push Ranma that much now could he? "So to sum it up you want me to stay?"
Ranma stopped, the words clogged down his throat again and then he nodded, slowly. His beloved's lips curled into a grin, mesmerizingly comfortable by being so callously stared at, the hazel-haired youth turned around and dropped the towel under his feet, body glistening and hair soaked to its wild roots, Ranma swallowed and he admitted Youki looked absurdly spellbinding. The brunette made a taunting motion with his hand and invited the raven haired in, he started walking towards the tub, not without smirking first, "Join me then, we can watch that movie later," he promised "for now I have something better in mind."
"That sounds promising."
"It's not what you think," He shined teasingly, "I'm flattered though."
.
The puffs of heavy steam danced from the fizzy water to their flushed skin, unusually divergent, Youki turned every light off and lit a single candle to illuminate their endeavor once Ranma agreed, the marbled tub was made for their bodies to fit perfectly against each other, the hot water felt candid against the congealing night and Youki's lips were smiling as a couple of cozy kisses were tenderly given on his cheek. It held a very affectionate, not to say private and cloistered intention that could only mean the purest stage of adoration was still consistent in their blossomed love tale.
No, it wasn't what Ranma believed it would be. But aside from the gratifying sexual release he could have imagined, he was happy with how things turned out to be inside their bathroom. Not that he would have complained if they had engaged in sex but probably, this is what his damaged subconscious needed; peace. Placidly quiet, Ranma bumped his nose against Youki's ear and nuzzled against it, stirring a small sigh from his partner. The raven marveled; this was his only heaven, the only one he ever wanted.
It wasn't meant to be romantic, nor sexual, it was meant to hold silence and closeness, the darkness offered by the night was precise for the candle to illuminate as poorly as it did, but it worked. It looked beautiful, it felt beautiful and Ranma was sure he needed this, at this absurd hour, with Youki, now more than ever.
.
Youki sighed raggedly, their eyes connecting even wave after wave of intense pleasure. Lips panting and hands fisting on the dampened sheets, Ranma bit his own lip as the excruciating pleasure made his cheeks color in cherry red, his hands were constantly being slapped out of his boyfriend's hips as a reminder of their ailment.
Kissing the sensitive side of his raven's neck, Youki swayed his hips faster as the desperation demanded tighter nearness and after another distressed attempt from Ranma to grab a hold of his waist, Youki groaned and stood still, biting his swollen bottom lip, he contented his urges of keep going "don't-" he shuddered as he felt his insides pulse "-fucking move" waiting for the impatient raven to nod, the hazel-haired panted as he continued his pleasured, rough ride.
The burning craving had Ranma gasping a bit more than usual, it felt different; the attention, the hotness, the closeness and the tenderness they were sharing was fondly satisfying. "Youki…" his hands roughly yanked at his lover's soaked hairs and the forceful tug obliged the younger's head back to reveal the bruised neck and collarbone the raven abused just when they reached desperation over the tub.
Plunging his soft spot with each deep shove, Youki groaned as he did his best to keep his ass thrusting down on his lover's hard rod, the tandem was pleasuring each of Ranma's nerves and he was sure Youki was just as stimulated "Mnn… there…"
Thick beads of sweat rolled down his entire body, Ranma admitted, Youki's slender body was undeniably dominating his hazed senses, after giving up on kissing his lover's neck, Ranma completely surrendered against his sensuality and he stayed still as surge upon surge of sexual bliss made his azure eyes close and rest his front against the brunette's shoulder.
"Mmff…"
Youki shoved down his bottom as firm as he could, pleading breathlessly to let him look at him in the eyes, the younger brunette faltered as his soft spot was harshly pressed on "mnnn…" Youki's thighs tensed as he reached his own pinnacle over the taut body he was riding. His mouth pressed hotly against Ranma's gasping mouth and he shuddered as the hardness impaling his insides burst with thick gushes of seed.
Time stopped altogether as they felt every fiber of their own skin immersing in release. Eyes closing and bodies faltering against each other, both breathed in the unearthly shared climax as their muscles tensed and their hearts stopped, only to revive again.
.
Ranma was that best friend he spoke with until it was too late and even if a coarse 'Youki shut up I'm trying to sleep' flowed through the raven's lips, Youki wasn't concerned at all, he knew deep down the raven was carefully listening, caring and simply being stalwart, in disavowal he was indeed of Youki's full affection, admiration and reliability and it was as well, all the way around, just that the young brunette asked too much, but that was Youki; Hardly speechless.
Ranma was that lover that even if there were long periods of time where they barely spoke, they kissed, they touched and tasted and cared and were solely lustful affection-driven lovers. Not angry, not suspicious, maybe busy, other times just silent. Always craving, always welcome to be in love. Because when silence was what they could offer, none felt the urge to complain.
Sometimes it was hard, because none of them wanted to relent, but even with all the fights and nasty insults that could try to devastate them, both knew they were not enough to make their barricade even slightly creak, they were strong, both knew their union was strong, as it was dangerous, as it was completing and humanly defined as perfect.
They could speak about the universe, and what stars meant and how they mean 'something', to swivel around worthlessness and hopelessness and all the empty feelings both were engulfed when memories corrupted through their chests. Reassurance, closeness and sincerity, every single tear that both didn't miss was always another chance to bring them even closer, Ranma wasn't sure how exactly he could function without Youki.
Perilous or not, it was completing, compelling as well. The night fell upon their tired bodies, both fell in silence after having given their entire body to the resurrecting pleasure that meant their union, it was a comfortable stillness, a sincere quietness that felt heartfelt and genuine, both only exchanged a couple of kisses and then moved on to the living room's couch to watch the promised movie, twenty minutes into it and both were sleeping fondly against each other, Ranma over Youki, secured, warm, happy, feeling absolutely better.
Having insisted on a rainy day the day after it, Youki dragged Ranma to a nearby indie retail shop that opened just a couple of weeks back and though both were in their underpants eating an unhealthy amount of Toblerone's bars and cinnamon's rolls, Ranma decided to give the escapade a try and both readied themselves to go. Since both stepped inside, the raven's newest goal in mind settled to annoy his young lover and he did, for a good half an hour. Youki was sometimes easy to set off and sometimes he played along. For Ranma, both moods were perfectly fine.
"Hardly."
"Yes you did." Ranma complained "I was naively pecking your neck."
"Naively" Youki snorted, "Son of a-" lashing kept, Youki's cheeks colored as he moved his head in negative "You know you started it. Stop harassing me."
"I did not," Ranma averred "I told you already," his finger pointed accusingly as they walked down the aisle "you did. And I am not harassing you, I'm shaming you Youki" He leered, "shame on you for being so gay."
"And I told you already," the young brunette reaffirmed, jestingly indignant "Hardly." His grin kept both shining through their skins and both were lightheartedly in opposition even for the silliest things and topics, enjoying each other's playful stares, both relented in the beautifulness of each other's presence. The raven sighed critically flippant "Youki," he warned "what have we spoken about compulsive lying?"
"What?" Youki scoffed "I spoke with you about that." It was mesmeric, Youki noticed, how the night before they enjoyed another honeymoon fascinating course to later become the best of friends just the day after, both knew they were good-humoredly quarreling, the young brunette felt thrilled about how genuine their shifts were, they were what he could define as 'perfect'.
After playing with each other's patience, a silver haired young retailer stopped the lively couple to offer something off of her aromatic row and both playfully smirked at each other, they both showed interest, their cart was full after 30 minutes of taking unnecessary things from counters, none mattered to acquire any other fragrant oils to play with. After taking some to their cart, Ranma decided to continue their playful conversation, "Why me, I never lie though?"
"You always do." Youki winked, the raven scoffed in response and decided to teasingly grope his lover's ass, "Shut up loser" Youki slapped his arm as both kept on bugging, "fucking make me!" Youki's grin was powerful, it made Ranma's time stop and he smiled back. The indie retail store was sweet-smelling and in between its limited rows, the raven let his mind drift off. He understood he wasn't over any of his memoirs as he would have wanted, as he needed them to, but he wasn't upset, at least not right now and he was glad Youki understood this.
That his contentment might not last long.
Just as he understood Youki's stability might flake sooner than he could. And that was exactly why it worked, because none tried to do the implausible and deny the existence of their damage, but both acknowledged it, embraced it and were the firsts to try and heal it, even at least for a little while.
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OOOO
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AN/ This was hurt/comfort fluff and all in all, I finished the last part today but everything in this fic is highly unedited which worries me because though I never grammar-check I at least check there is sense between lines and this time I am not certain, sorry. Specially the part where Ranma storms inside the bathroom, (cringe) I mean I switched between HURT to COMFORT too quick, my apologizes, I meant to write at least 3 more scenes between one thing and the other, Anyways, this as well was meant to be part of Kintsugi but it didn't make it. Also, I didn't want to upload this because I JUST wrote something very similar but Youki as the sad one, so lack of originality 100%
Till later
Batya000