Note: This story is set both in the Awakening and Ode to Memory AUs. It explores the possibility that the Shitennou were freed from the Dark Kingdom and given back their bodies, as opposed to being turned into stones.
I.
She slides open the shōji door, and raises her eyes on a face more delicate than handmade paper. For a moment, Rei does not recognize the man standing before her. His skin bears the softness of diffused light, as though he were a wandering spirit seeking refuge at her shrine.
But the visitor's features soon come into focus. His pleasing lower lip, perfect nose and fine eyebrows. His pale golden eyelashes and short wavy hair falling to the side, over his left eye. Details that had once delighted her, a very long time ago, when she had not yet learned the meaning of anger.
"What are you doing here?" she asks him, in a voice as stern as an old ritual.
He looks at her, purposefully delays his response.
Jadeite.
"I need to talk to you," he finally says.
"You shouldn't be here."
"Your grandfather didn't turn me away."
"Well, he should have. Unless you come here on behalf of Mamoru, or to tell me something concerning our Masters, you have no business being here."
Shen's mind begins to stray. Her impossibly straight, black hair fascinates him. The way part of it descends over her chest, touches the fabric of her hakama…
"Let me talk to you," he pleads, distractedly. "Please, Rei."
"We have nothing to say to each other, Jadeite."
He frowns. Stares into her eyes again.
"My name is Shen."
"That's not who you truly are."
"But it is. Before I became one of Beryl's generals, I had a life of my own. Just like you do."
She glances up at the sky, notices Phobos and Deimos, flying in circles high above the house. He keeps talking.
"I lived in Hong Kong, went to pray at Wong Tai Sin temple every day…"
"I don't want to hear this."
"My parents left Russia after they married. Raised me in Beijing, where I was reborn…"
"Stop it. I want you to stay away from me," she says.
"Why?"
"Because you are not to be trusted."
"You don't even know me."
"I know who you used to be, and it's quite enough."
Oh, her words are a flaming arrow.
"I made a mistake."
"You showed me the weakness of your character. And lost my respect. I should have known better than to trust a man."
"A man? What does that have to do with anything? I was lied to by a woman, a sickening fiend who enslaved me and took my dignity from me. I was a Heavenly King, and Beryl turned me into a pawn. Man, woman, does it really matter? Deceit and cruelty are a part of human nature."
Rei folds her arms.
"You say you don't trust men," he continues. "And maybe it's my fault. You carried your pain into this life."
"Don't give yourself so much credit."
"I'm not. I simply recognize the wrong I have done to you."
She scoffs. He tries to cling to her gaze, which she denies him.
"I remember everything, Rei," he suddenly tells her. "Don't you? The time we spent together. Does it mean nothing to you?"
If only he could clasp her in his arms.
Hold her as he once did.
"I want you to leave."
"Why won't you talk to me? I came here to tell —"
"Enough," she cuts in. "The truth is, I can't stand to look at you, Jadeite. Your face is a constant reminder of things I wish I'd never remembered."
She knows the dizzying taste of his lips.
"What about the happiness we shared?"
"That's precisely what I'm referring to. It's the bright days, not the dark ones, that I wish I didn't recall."
Shen remains still, takes it all in. Wounded, he steps back, despite how acutely he craves her.
"I see," he simply states.
"Will you leave me alone now?"
He glares at her one last time, seething inwardly. Then he turns around, preferring not to grace her question with a vicious answer. He walks away while Rei angrily pulls on the shōji, which she doesn't shut completely. Instead, she watches him through the small gap. Her hands are shaking.
She sees her crows spiralling down, following Shen as he heads for the gate. Phobos lands on his shoulder, while Deimos flaps her wings right above him and eventually lands on his arm. Whispering in Mandarin, Shen pets the bird, feels its black feathers underneath his white fingers. He wonders why the crows won't pierce his eyes, colour their beaks with his blood, sentence him to a life of blindness for what he's done.
Do they not share their master's contempt?
From a distance, Rei studies his infuriating beauty, the elegance of his every gesture. She curses him, then pines for him, then wishes he were dead. She strives to picture him in his traitor's uniform, but the crows soon desert him, and he is out of sight.
II.
As he waits on a bench of the subway station, Shen stares at one of his erhu scores. He holds the papers firmly with both hands, reads the numbers and symbols, listens to the melody in his head.
This composition is the first he can truly call his own. Before his memories were returned to him, almost everything he wrote felt like someone else's work. And he was always so doubtful about his own merit. Yes, he played exquisitely, but was he truly able to compose? When his teachers called him a genius, he felt like a plagiarist. When he gave school recitals and heard the applause at the end of his performances, he wanted to collapse with the stage.
There were so many songs, so many old melodies locked within him. Music from a past life, waiting to emerge. Stifling his creativity. The melodies he was most praised for, were nothing more than ancient melodies, which he alone unconsciously remembered. Relics, fragments of the former Earth Kingdom.
He did not know it then.
Shen moves on to the next page, begins to hear the music, then suddenly closes his eyes to interrupt it. Why did he write this song? What is the purpose of it? He poured his heart into it, and for what?
Placing his thumbs at the top of the score, he prepares to tear it up. But he just can't seem to keep his weakened hands steady, can barely muster the necessary strength to rip the papers apart. With one hand, he holds the score up to his eyes. Waits for the condemned to give him a reason to be spared. The subway arrives, making the score wave and bend with the sudden rush of air.
In the end, Shen tucks the score back into his bag, adjusts his scarf, and enters the subway car.
III.
Kneeling by the fire, the shrine maiden casts a shadow upon the wooden floor. Her hair drapes behind her like a black cloth, or the robe of a Heavenly Emperor, meditating in a temple of the Forbidden City.
She holds her palms together, keeps her eyes shut as she concentrates on the sound of the restless flames. They hiss and stir, they whisper rapidly. They ramble. She feels their heat on her cheeks.
Jadeite's breath on her face, hot and sultry as a summer night.
The candles at her sides are melting, shrinking into oblivion. It has never taken her this long to clear her mind. Unwanted thoughts insinuate themselves into her consciousness, and she holds back an exasperated sigh. Her legs are numb, but she won't move. Not yet. A vision will arise before morning, she is sure of it.
At dawn, when she finally stares into the fire, she understands there is no escape from him. The man she once saw there, strangling Usagi, appears amidst the flames again.
But this time, he is the one fighting for breath. He gasps and coughs, he chokes grotesquely. He begs for mercy with his tears. Jadeite is tied to a chair, back straightened against a beam. There's a metal wire around his neck, digging into his flesh, tightening across his bare throat. Tightening, harder, harder, harder.
Jadeite is being garrotted.
Rei gasps, puts a hand over her mouth. Rises and stumbles back, as her feet move frantically along the surface of the tatami. She dares another look at the fire, but the horrid image is already gone.
And yet, it lingers, vivid, in her mind.
"I have to warn Shen," Rei utters quietly, as the flickering candles finally die.
IV.
School briefcase in hand, she hesitates.
Rei stands in front of the Tokyo College of Music, watches the students as they walk in and out of the building. It took her a while to get here, and she knows that her lunch break is almost over. But there is no turning back.
What she read in the fire, she must tell Shen.
Finally, she decides to go in. As she opens the door and walks into the entrance lobby, a girl eyes her grey high school uniform and gives her an intrigued look. Rei isn't quite sure where to find Shen, so she begins to wander around. Musicians and professors shuffle passed her, ignoring her presence. At some point, a billboard attracts her attention and she draws closer to it. Behind the glass, there are various group pictures. It isn't long before she spots Shen in one of them. Wearing a recital outfit with a mandarin collar, he stands with his arms behind his back. While most of his colleagues are smiling, he appears very serious. Rei notices the tag underneath the photograph.
Composition for Fine Arts/Film Scoring Annual Fundraiser
Now at least, she knows what program he's in. As she keeps staring at his picture, someone approaches her. An older student with an eye for beautiful girls.
"Are you looking for someone?" he asks Rei.
"Yes. I'm looking for a student. He's in… Composition for Fine Arts and Film Scoring, I believe."
"What's his name? If he's good, then maybe I know him."
"Shen Fyodorov."
"Shen? Yeah, I definitely know him. Who doesn't? He's the erhu prodigy from Hong Kong. Yeah, I'm guessing he's in one of the practice rooms of the fourth floor. Close to the Centennial Hall. That's where he usually is around this time."
"Thank you. How will I know which room exactly?"
"Oh, you won't have to look too hard."
He gives her a wink and lets her find the stairway on her own. The steps are unusually low, which doesn't make the climb too difficult. Once she arrives on the fourth floor, she notices a small crowd, gathered by a practice room. Some people are inside, while others listen through the half-opened door.
"What's going on here?" Rei asks a girl with an impeccable bob cut.
"Shen Fyodorov is practising his song," she replies excitedly.
"What song?"
"The one he's written, and that he wants to perform for the school recital auditions."
"And what is everyone standing around here for?"
"Because it's Shen. One of the most talented students here? He can play the violin, the cello, the erhu and even the shamisen."
"Oh?"
The girl glances incredulously at Rei. Realizes she's wearing a high school uniform.
"I'm sorry. You're not a student here, are you?"
"No."
"Well, you're in for a treat. Give it a listen. His song is absolutely beautiful. This is my fourth time hearing it."
Rei complies, lends an attentive ear.
The melody soars, floats so gently in the air. Yet it is heavy, like a lament, and strikingly solemn. At times it sounds like a celebration of joy; at others, of sadness. The playing accelerates, then slows down, tenderly, tenderly. There is a brief pause. Then the music picks up again; the notes succeed each other, respect and complete one another, like they were always meant to be heard in this order.
When the song reaches its peak, the strings grow louder, pulling Rei into a warm embrace. She would like to wrap herself in these chords, feel them all around her body. An image comes to mind; that of a red bridge, hidden within the gardens of a palace.
Endymion's palace.
She sees herself following Jadeite across the bridge. He suddenly stops, turns to look at her. She draws closer, leaves almost no distance between them. So he kisses her forehead, then strokes her cheek with the back of his fingers. Rei touches his face, pulls him closer. And presses her lips to his.
This song, she has never it heard before. But it tells a story so familiar.
Shen has turned their memories to music.
After the final note, Rei realizes she had been holding her breath.
"It moved you, huh?" the girl she spoke to earlier asks.
"What… What is the name of this song? Do you know what he called it?"
"Yeah, I do. Raven Fire."
Rei blushes, immediately looks away. The crowd is clapping.
"He plays it so passionately. I think he wrote it for a girl," the student continues. "I wonder who she could be."
Shen's muse remains silent.
"What I would give to be the object of a composer's love. Don't you wish someone would write a song like that for you?"
"I… don't really —"
"He's so talented," the girl interrupts her. "And amazingly handsome, too. You should have a look inside, once everybody's gone. It's worth it, trust me. As for me, I'd better go now. I've got a class in a couple of minutes."
She smiles and strolls off, leaving Rei behind.
When the door swings wide open and the students begin to scatter, Rei refuses to glance into the room. She turns away, leans back against the wall, right next to the door. Squeezing her bag against her chest.
"Yo, Fyodorov, will you critique me later on this afternoon?" someone asks.
"Sure. What time?"
"I don't know, around four?"
"Alright."
"That was really amazing, man. You'll do awesome at the audition."
"I hope so."
"All you gotta do is think of whoever it is you wrote it for."
"I always do when I play it."
Rei stares vacantly at her feet.
"Yeah? Any hints on who she is?"
"Sorry, I don't really want… to talk about it."
"That's alright. Forget I asked. Well, I'll see you later, okay?"
"Yeah. See you later."
Shen's friend steps out of the room, and Rei knows it's time for her to face Shen again. So she takes a deep breath, and joins him inside.
She finds him sitting on a stool, examining his bow. He's wearing a long black tunic shirt, burgundy trousers and his usual red scarf, wrapped carefully around his neck. He doesn't hear her footsteps. So she briefly considers him, then finally decides to speak up.
"That was really beautiful," she tells him almost reluctantly.
Shen raises his head, appears surprised. Then indifferently starts putting his instrument away.
"What are you doing here, Rei?" he asks.
"I…"
He bends over to the side to open his velvet-lined erhu case, which lies next to his stool.
"You told me to stay away from you," he interrupts her, "but I can't do that if you seek me out, can I?"
"I know what I told you," she snaps back.
"Then help me out, will you? Go away."
"Look, I'm only here because I need to tell you something important."
Slowly, he places his instrument in the case, fits the bow in the appropriate spot.
"What I had to tell you was important too."
"Not as important as this, trust me."
"Why should you want my trust? You've refused me yours."
"You betrayed me, Jadeite. I don't let people cross me twice."
"Are you here to reiterate everything you've told me?"
"No, I —"
"You made your feelings towards me abundantly clear. Unless you have more to share? Though I really don't see what else you could add to express your resentment towards me."
He shuts the case and meets her gaze.
"Or maybe you want some sort of confirmation that your words hurt me? I'll spare you some time, then. Your words hurt me, Rei. You got your revenge, rest assured."
"I wasn't looking for revenge!"
"Oh no? You had a point you wanted to get across, and you made sure it stung as much as possible. But getting back at me for what I did to you in my previous life is beneath you."
She snorts.
"So you're not to be blamed? I'm supposed to just forgive you, like nothing happened?"
"I don't really care what you do at this point," he says, shrugging and looking away. "I'll respect your wishes and stay away from you, since that's what you want. I'll just concentrate on forgiving myself. Which is difficult enough already."
"I've got myself to forgive as well. I placed my fate in someone else's hands. I never want to do that again."
"Rei, I fell into darkness because I trusted myself, instead of the one I loved."
Love.
Now, she's the one who glances away.
"I'd appreciate it if you left now," he says. "This conversation is pointless."
"No, listen. I came here to warn you."
"About what?" he asks, exasperated.
"Last night, I read the fire. And I had a premonition about you."
"A premonition?"
"Yes. You were… You are in danger. Evil is looming over you."
"What did you see?"
She can barely swallow.
"You were tied to a chair… with a metal wire strangling you, cutting your throat. There was…"
Pausing, Rei shuts her eyes for a few seconds.
"There was a wound going all around your neck. You were suffocating, someone was torturing you."
He appears unmoved, and his lack of reaction unsettles Rei. Shen's eyes are lowered, his stare is blank.
"It wasn't a premonition," he declares.
"How would you know?"
"Because, Rei, what you saw, already happened to me."
"What?"
She seems almost incredulous.
"I guess you saw the past, or saw what's still in my mind."
He still won't look up, so Rei kneels on the floor, in front of him. Her schoolbag, she puts beside her.
"What happened to you, Shen?"
How sweet it is to hear her call his name.
"We were never mere puppets, the other Shitennou and I. Beryl did take our memories away from us, all sense of who we truly were, but… She let us keep our free will. Poisoned us with evil, but allowed us to make our own choices. She knew that brainwashed slaves are weak, because they have no conviction, no personal ambition. That's why she minimized her control over our minds. Her decision had a disadvantage, though. Sometimes, we would rebel. Question her orders, give our own opinion on matters. So Beryl made sure she kept us subdued."
At last, he beholds Rei's face.
"She would punish us into submission. Reeducate us, if you will. You can't imagine the sadistic torments she would come up with. Arad got the worst of it. He was the one who questioned Beryl's decisions the most. I don't know how he can cope, considering how much she tortured him."
He pauses, then continues.
"As for me, I had a tendency to display too much independence. So she would… She would put me in that chair, strangle me to the point of agony. Make me believe I was about to die, just to make me beg her for my life. Then she would release me, and heal me with her Magick. She used this punishment, because she was well aware of the way I died in my previous life."
Shen touches the fabric of the scarf around his neck.
"A soldier of the Moon slit my throat," he explains. "And I've had an underlying fear of being beheaded ever since. Even now, I can't stand having my neck exposed. It's like some kind of phobia."
"Is that… why you're always wearing high collars and scarves?"
"Yes."
"I had no idea…"
"Like I said, Rei, you don't know anything about me."
"What she did to you was horrible."
"Didn't I deserve it?"
"Nobody deserves to suffer such cruelty."
He blinks wearily, stares at her.
"Not even me?"
She shakes her head.
"I lied to you, Shen," she suddenly admits. "When I said I wish I didn't remember the happiness we shared."
Now, Shen lowers himself onto the ground and pushes the stool away to kneel in front of Rei.
"Why?"
"Because I was angry with myself. For falling for you."
"Neither of us wanted to fall in love. It just happened. And yet, I cherish the time we spent together. It's the only light I see in my past."
She blushes slightly.
"I never want to fall in love again," she says. "I know that if I love someone, I will want everything from him, and never be satisfied. That's not the kind of person I want to be."
"But love isn't about taking. It's about giving. And as Usagi's guardian, you already live by that rule. Why do you think so little of yourself? Can't you see all that you've given me? Did you not hear my song?"
"I… did."
"I wrote it for you, Rei, because even though I don't really know this incarnation of you, either, I still love you. My feelings haven't changed. How could they, when I am able to remember just how awe-inspiring your soul is? So I wrote you this song, as an apology for my imperfect and lingering love. That's what I wanted to tell you yesterday."
Rei's heart sinks, she doesn't know how to respond.
"I know you don't need me," he says, his voice breaking. "I know that. But Rei, I need you…"
He unexpectedly places his head on her lap. She stares down at the side of his face, at his ear. His light golden curls against her dark grey skirt.
"I need you," he breathes.
Shen raises his head, to look into her eyes. His hands cling to her waist.
"She's broken me," he says. "Beryl has broken me. I… I see the Dark Kingdom every night. I feel the wire around my neck, I feel how it digs and burrows into me, I watch the endless shadows enfold me…"
"Jadeite," Rei whispers.
"You are my only consolation."
Rei reaches for his face, holds it with both hands and he sits up straight. She gazes directly into eyes, then slowly begins to undo his scarf. She unwinds it, unveils his throat, which she strokes with the tip of her fingers. Rei leans in and kisses his neck, once, twice, too many times to count. With her lips, she follows the trail of his invisible wound.
Shen waits, keeps his eyes lowered. When she finds her way to his mouth, he kisses her back. Presses his lips against hers, with increasing violence. Expressing his fury at her having pretended she did not want him. She responds with the same force, the same anger, castigating him for drawing her in yet again. But the rage soon exhausts itself, and Shen falls into her arms, sobbing noiselessly, embracing her with all his strength.
As she holds him, this broken man, Rei realizes that she wants nothing from Jadeite.
But wants to give everything to Shen.