As I sat there staring blankly at the wall, I realized the mistakes I had made in getting here.
The most clear one at the moment was making the decision to hide my phone somewhere that was not on my body.
But as this pimp sat in front of me, eyeing me as though I was only a body and not a person, I saw all the little steps that led me here. The insistence to prove Kyle's innocence, only to have him throw all of my efforts back in my face and practically confess. The unwillingness to let it go. The feeling that nobody was standing up for someone who needed help. The determination that I could be the one to fix things for him, which has led to me ruining everything for myself.
It's so screwed up it would almost be funny, if I weren't in this position right now.
It hits me like a slap in the face that this is my fault. This situation, all the situations I've been in before, every time I try to do good, I mess it up. I suddenly remember Stef's words to me, weeks back when she discovered I had broken into a home to find evidence.
"You're going to go to prison. For years. At this point, maybe that's what you deserve."
I know she apologized. I know she didn't mean it. But the sting of her disappointment hurts worse now than it did in the moment. She was right. For all the trouble and chaos I have caused for people, particularly my moms…. I did deserve that. I may not be going to jail now like I was supposed to, but nothing in me doubts that this will be a far worse price to pay.
But it's mine and mine alone.
I'm tired of fighting the fact that my life was never destined to be worth anything more than this. That much has been clear. The road has been stacked against me from the start, and when I had the chance to make things right, I only made them worse.
I think of my mom right now, likely out following a device that will only lead her further away from me. I wonder if she has caught up to them. Has she discovered I am not there? I left her with a dead end, and expected her to find me. I feel the hopelessness inside me expand and swallow me whole with this realization. Nobody is coming for me. At least, not yet. And by the time they do.. I suspect it won't be in time. She's going to blame herself, and it's not even her fault. Again, I see myself causing pain to the ones I love. Maybe it is better for them, this way. For me to be out of their lives once and for all, where the only thing left for me to destroy is myself.
I hope that Christina won't find her way into a mess this bad after all of this. I hope that the last choice I willingly made has actually left someone better off. That's all I am hoping for, at this point. That's all I care about. Let something positive come from my life. Please.
As Russell moves from the chair toward me, I am snapped back into the moment.
"You look pretty innocent to be 16, Christina.." Russell remarks as he kneels in front of me, laying his hand on my knee.
The numb and hollow way I was feeling suddenly evaporates. My body feels like a livewire, and my heart pounds loudly in my ears. Even through my jeans, his touch feels as though it burns.
"I need to use the bathroom." it's an excuse I use instead of saying what I really want, which is that I need him to stop touching me. I need to get out of this dingy motel. I need to be away from his reach and never think of this place again.
Russell gazes at me for a minute with a look in his eye I can't name. "mmm.. I don't think you do, though."
"Let me tell you how this whole thing works, Tina. That way we don't find ourselves in any kind of.. Disagreement. You know? Sound good?" He says it all with a charming smile, as though we are on a blind date right now, as though there is no gun on his hip, and I am not being held against my will.
I swallow and give a slight nod. Allowing myself a breath of air as he removes his hand from my leg.
"Awesome. The deal is, I'll give you whatever kind of life you want here. I can hook you up. I've got access to all sorts of things, legal or not" he gives me a smirk, placing his hand on my lower leg.
"In trade for that, you give me a little of what I want. You give, you get. Seem fair? I think so. All I really want from my girls is loyalty and respect. Don't bite the hand that feeds you, sort of thing. If you ask for something, I'll get it for you. If I ask for something, I expect to get it. That's called respect." The smile fades a bit as he lets some of his dark side show. "I don't put up with girls that argue, or try to tell me what to do or not do. The rules here are simple.. Do what you're told, and you'll be taken care of. Start trouble, and.. Well, I guess we'd just let you go." the bright smile returns as he shifts his free hand to rest on his weapon, seeking my eyes and making sure that the meaning of being let go is made clear to me. "That make sense?"
There's nothing else for me to do but say what he wants me to say.
"Yes."
"Yes, what?"
"Yes, daddy."