Warnings: Swearing
Mentions of sex but no smut
Depression
Anxiety
Mental health issues
Unhealthy relationships
Obsessive behaviour
Self-harm
Self-loathing
Suicide
Characters slightly OOC

Unrequited Love

''Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.'

Alfred Lord Tennyson

Have you ever loved someone so much that your heart stops every time you see them?

I have.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you feel like you could melt with every smile they send you?

I have.

Have you ever loved someone so much that it feels like you can't draw enough breath whenever they're around?

I have.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you feel like you would die if they were to ignore you?

I have.

Have you ever loved someone so much that you lose your train of thought every time your eyes meet?

I have.

Have you ever had your heart broken because that person, the one who you love more than life itself, the one who makes you forget to breathe and makes your heart flutter madly in your chest, doesn't love you back?

I have.

Have you ever felt like there is nothing, nothing, worth living for, because that person, the one, doesn't feel the same way?

I have.

I did.

And this is our story.

It all started when I was five. The kids at school would pretend to get married, the girls choosing a boy and visa-versa. When it came to me they'd ask, "who are you gonna marry, Elsa?" and each time I'd reply, "Anna of course." The words came so easily to me, why wouldn't I marry her? She was my best friend, we were in the same classes, we lived next door to each other and would spend every spare second together. Mama and Papa always said that they married their best friend, so naturally I was going to marry Anna.

Fast forward eight years to when I was thirteen, all the girls at school were talking about which boys they thought were cute and who they wanted to ask out. Usually, they picked the jock or the funny guy or the guy who had the coolest gadgets. But not me. I'd look at those boys and see nothing special, I wouldn't feel all those butterflies they felt, I wouldn't go all gooey and silly around them, I honestly thought they were all a bit smelly and didn't really fancy any of them. "Come on Elsa!" They'd say, "who do you like?", "Which boy are you gonna marry?" This always made me confused, "why does it have to be a boy?" I'd ask. They'd all give me funny looks and laugh, well, everyone except Anna that is. "I want to marry Anna." I'd say as if it were the most obvious thing in the world. Anna would go bright red; those adorable freckles would become hidden beneath a deep blush as I felt my own spread across my cheeks. "Elsa," she would groan, "you can't marry me, we're like sisters. You need to grow up." Those words would hurt me more than any physical injury could.

Again, I didn't understand, I loved Anna, she was my best friend, she knew me better than anyone else, even better than my own parents. She knew all my secrets and was always there when I needed her, so what was so bad about marrying her? Why did it matter that we were both girls? It didn't make any difference to me.

It was when we were seventeen and in our last year of school that rumours had started floating around about me. "Lesbo!" The kids would call out. "Hey dyke!" They'd say. "Oi! Pussy muncher, are you sure you don't want some of this?" The boys would yell, grabbing their crotch, mimicking sexual acts, it made me feel sick. Their words would send white-hot anger through my body, my hands would shake, and I'd see red. "I'm not a lesbian!" I'd scream back, tears in my eyes as I ran to escape their taunts.

I'd find a secluded corner in the school theatre to hide – my one safe place – tears streaming down my face, my head tucked into my chest with my knees pulled into my body. I fought hard to keep from making a sound, I didn't want them to hear my sobs, they were wrong, the lot of them. I wasn't gay. I couldn't be gay. I had nothing against those who were, but it just wasn't for me, I wanted a family, marriage and all those things I wouldn't be able to get if I were with a woman.

"Elsa?" Came Anna's soft voice from the opposite side of the room.

My ears pricked up, my heart thudded dangerously loud in my chest, and no matter how low my mood, she could always bring it right back up again. "Anna." I replied, my voice hoarse and weak. I lifted my head just enough to see her flash me a kind smile, my tears stopping momentarily as my heart fluttered softly.

She came and sat next to me, wrapping her arms around my back as I buried my head in her chest. The tears came harder now, my sobs loud and there was nothing I could do to stifle them.

"Shh." She soothed. "Shh, it's okay, it's okay Elsa. I'm here, it's okay." Her voice barely above a whisper as she rocked me in her arms.

Here I felt safe, here, in Anna's embrace I felt like I was home. She never judged me, never called me names, never made me feel worthless or alone, when I was with Anna, all my fears melted away, all my insecurities and doubts flittered into nothingness, nothing mattered as long as she kept holding me like that, as long as those soft lips continued to leave even softer kisses on my head, she would always keep me safe.

"So, you're gay." She said matter-of-factly once my tears had dried and I'd managed to catch my breath.

"No!" I replied, shocked and even a little hurt, my voice louder and higher than I had intended.

"Elsa. It's okay." Her tone remained soft, understanding, calming even.

"I'm not gay!" I said, although, even to my ears, it didn't sound convincing in the slightest.

Anna sighed, not out of frustration but in a way that said she didn't believe me. "Okay, let's just say for arguments sake that you're not. Tell me, do you have a crush on any of the boys?"

"Well, no," I began, "but I'm far too busy for boys." I replied hastily. "I mean, I'm a straight A student, I wake up, get ready for school, arrive early, study in the library, I'm here all day and then I go home and study some more. Plus, I have my little brother to look after and my babysitting job. When would I have time for a crush?"

Again, Anna gave me a disbelieving look. "Alright, but your parents get home at five and they're there on the weekends to watch Olaf, and Marshall is there too, you only babysit once a month and the school year is almost up. Don't you want to maybe find someone special? Go on a date? Have your first kiss?" She asked, taking my hands in one of hers as the other brushed my bangs back from my face. I couldn't help but smile when she touched me, it sent the most wonderful, warm tingles through my body, calmed me, helped me to think.

Maybe Anna was right, despite my commitments, I did want all that. I craved affection, those tender touches, I longed to know what it would feel like to have soft lips pressed against my own, to fall in love and maybe, even have my heart broken, after all didn't they say, 'it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all?'. So, maybe, just maybe, I did want that.

"Maybe." I replied dejectedly, I didn't want to admit it, and the image, or rather, the person that came to mind when I thought of love wasn't what I wanted at all, and I certainly didn't want Anna finding out. It could ruin everything. "But I'm not gay." I added as a side note.

"Maybe." Anna parroted back to me. "Okay, well, riddle me this. When you look at the boys what do you see? What do you find attractive about them?"

I went to answer but my brain stuttered in my skull, my mouth opening and closing without uttering a single word. "Well, I…. You know… I mean…" Straight A student, top of my year, class captain, head of the student body, peer councillor and yet I couldn't manage to form a single sentence? "I guess it's just that I've never really thought about them like that. I mean, I guess I like their… hair?" Yeah, that wasn't convincing either.

"Their hair?" Anna questioned, yeah nah, she didn't believe me either. "You like their hair?"

"Yes… No… Maybe." For someone with a well above average IQ, I'd managed to make myself sound like some kind of ditsy blonde… oh wait… I am a blonde. Maybe it's starting to show through now.

"Okay, well then, what don't you like about boys?" Anna rephrased.

Ah, now this was an easy one. "The way they smell like they've never taken a shower, their body hair is gross, their voices annoy me, they are mean and selfish and all they ever think about is sex. They're just yuck." I replied, my nose wrinkling in dislike. "Besides, penises are just… blegh. They make me want to hurl."

"Alright." Said Anna, her tone measured as she bit her lip again as though she was trying to hold back a chuckle. "So, then tell me, just out of curiosity, what do you think of girls?"

My heart jolted, my eyes went wide as my mind reeled. "I- I…" I stammered. "I don't know."

"Elsa…"

Breathe Elsa, breathe. In and out, deep breaths now, nice and slow. "I guess I like the way they smell, their eyes are kind and so full of emotion, they are wonderful and caring and sweet, and loyal and honest. Their skin looks pretty soft too." I muttered, my god I did not like the way that came out.

"Elsa." Anna said again, her voice soft as she stroked the side of my face tenderly. "Are you sure you don't like women?"

"NO!" I yelled, my hands clenched into fits by my sides. Since when was I standing? "I'm not gay!" The look of hurt on Anna's face barely even registered in my mind as I screamed those words at her. I turned on my heel and sprinted out of there as fast as my legs would carry me.

That was the very first time I skipped class. I ran straight home and cried into my pillow, my chest heaving with each sobbing breath. I messaged my adopted older brother, Marshall, or Marshmallow as he was more affectionately known, saying that I was home sick, and could he please pick up Olaf from school, I just couldn't face having to leave the house again today.

It was also the very first time I took a blade to my skin. I don't know why I did it. I had always thought of it as a desperate bid for attention, but it wasn't like that at all, at least it wasn't for me. In an odd way it brought about a sense of relief, it eased the emotional pain inside, took my mind off it. It wasn't something I was proud of or wanted to show off, it was quite the opposite in fact, I felt ashamed at what I'd done, I felt weak, like I wanted to hide.

The shame that I felt in that moment however, paled in comparison to the shame and heartache I felt for yelling at Anna. I couldn't believe it, never, ever, had I even so much as raised my voice at her, we had barely even had a single disagreement and I had just screamed at her. Tears poured down my face as I thought about how much that must have hurt her. I could see her now, in my mind's eye, crying in the corner just like I was, her beautiful face marred by tears that I had caused. Tears, that I wanted to wipe away as I held her in my arms and consoled her. Why, oh why did I do it?

Was what she said so hurtful? No.

Was what she said insulting? No.

Then why?

Deep, deep down I guess I knew why but I wasn't ready to admit it to myself or anyone else for that matter.

Mama came home early that day, I was still locked in my room, hiding from the world. "Elsa, honey." She called from the opposite side of the door, her voice full of concern. "Are you okay?"

Was I okay? No, not really, but I didn't feel like talking about it either. "I'm fine." I replied shortly.

"Can I come in please? Marsh said you came home sick from school today?"

"I'm okay Mama, it's just a migraine." I lied, although it wasn't far from the truth, it certainly felt like one was coming on anyway.

"If you're sure." She said doubtfully, why didn't anyone seem to believe me today? "Would you like some dinner, I can make you some chicken soup?"

"I'm not hungry." I grumbled, at least this time I was telling the truth, I had certainly lost my appetite.

"Okay, if you're sure, I'll leave some in the fridge for you in case you feel like it later okay?" I felt my heart warm, Mama was always looking out for me.

"Thanks Mama." I replied genuinely, she really did have the warmest heart in all the world and knew just how to make me feel loved and supported even when she wasn't physically there.

I spent the rest of that week at home and the one after it, school had called, worried, this was the first time I'd missed so much as one class. Well, there goes my perfect attendance record, I thought to myself. I just couldn't bear the thought of facing anyone right now, especially not Anna, god knows how much I'd hurt her, would she ever be able to forgive me?

Every time I thought of Anna, sweet, wonderful Anna, my heart would clench painfully in my chest, tears would well in my eyes and my breathing would become shallow. I felt so much regret and pain from hurting her and even more for lying to her. Friends didn't hurt each other, and they certainly didn't lie.

I now had a whole new collection of fresh wounds running along my arm and deep scratch marks on the opposite one. The pain in my chest wasn't easing at all, if anything it was only getting worse. I kept thinking about the questions she'd asked me and the conclusion she and the rest of the school had come to.

Was I really gay? My head screamed no, I couldn't be, not me, I wanted babies and marriage and I needed a man for that. I kept denying the way I felt, the way my heart cried out "yes!" every time I asked myself that question, I so desperately wanted it to be just a faze, curiosity, but the more I thought about it, the harder it was to deny.

I wasn't attracted to men.

Not one bit.

Women… maybe

Anna…

Always

Mama and Papa checked in on me daily, bringing me food, making sure I was okay. I think they knew something was up, that I wasn't sick, but they didn't pry, they didn't demand that I come out and explain myself, I think they were giving me the space I needed and I was very thankful for that.

On my tenth day of my self-imposed imprisonment, Mama came to my door again, just as she had done the previous nights. "Elsa." She kind gently. "Can you please open the door, school called, I think we need to talk."

Oh no. Dread filled my body, my heart stuttered in my chest as my stomach dropped to the ground like a ton of bricks. Well fuck. Slowly I made my way across the room, my hand shaking as I reached the knob. The lock snicked as I turned it and soon Mama was looking at me with her 'Mum face' on.

"I think you should sit down Elsa." Oh crap, yup, there it was, I was in trouble. What had school told her? Did she know I was faking it, had she heard what they'd been calling me? "Your teacher called me today whilst I was at work, we've just had a meeting about you, she told me about the bullying." She took my hands in hers and continued. "Do you want to talk to me about it? You're not in trouble, I just hope that you feel you can come to me when there's a problem, any problem." Bingo, bullseye, I was right. She knew.

I broke down into a heaving, sobbing, bawling, snotty mess. Mum gathered me up in her arms and rocked me, the familiar warmth of my mother's love soothed my aching heart. Again, I felt ashamed. Strong, intelligent, icy cold Elsa, bawling like a baby in her mother's arms, unable to cope with a little bit of teasing at school.

Mama placed kisses all over my head, her hands rubbing up and down my back. "Shh, it's okay my baby, it's okay my sweet princess." She cooed, "I love you, so much, no matter what, I'll always love you." This of course, only made me cry harder, gosh I missed her hugs. "She said that the other kids have been calling you some pretty awful names," a pause, "homophobic names." She looked into my eyes, I guess they gave her the confirmation she needed to continue on. "Now, I don't know where your preferences lie and I'm not going to ask, if you ever want to talk to me about it, then my door will always be open to you, but if you don't that's okay too, it won't change a thing. You'll always be my Elsa." She paused again and wiped away my tears, before kissing my forehead.

"I know these bullies can be pretty hurtful, and I'm not about to tell you to just ignore them or that words can't hurt us because they can, words can do so much more damage than sticks and stones, physical wounds heal, but some psychological ones stay with us forever. But what I will say is this, don't respond to them directly, try not to show them that it hurts, they're hunting for a reaction, it's what they're expecting, and I know that it's hard, but try and push past them and find a teacher instead, find Anna or someone else you trust. Talk to them, tell them, just please don't keep it bottled up. I know you're strong Elsa, I know you don't like to let your emotions show, but keeping them inside will just make you feel worse. Write a song or a story, let it out in any way you can okay? I just hate seeing my little girl upset."

Those tears weren't anywhere near done yet, if anything they were only flowing faster. So, instead of replying verbally, I simply nodded and hiccupped, but I think she understood.

"Now, there is something else, something that worries me more than this bullying." Mama pulled away from me a little, her eyes scrutinising mine. "I bumped Anna yesterday. She said you ran away from her at school and now you won't talk to her. What's going on with you two, Elsa? She's your best friend, I don't think you two have ever had so much as a fight before this, has she done something to hurt you? Is there anything I can do to help?"

I don't think my heart could take much more of this, freezing, thawing, freezing, thawing, freezing again, I was pretty sure it would shatter at any moment. "N-no." I sobbed. "I-I was the o-one who h-hurt her." I managed to choke out. "She came t-to me about the b-bullying and tried to m-make me feel better, b-but I yelled at her instead."

"Oh honey," Mum cooed, "we all have our moments, sometimes things just get too much and we snap and usually it's those we love the most that we end up hurting, but that's because we trust them that much that we feel safe enough to let it all out. Would you like to tell me why you yelled at her?" Her tone was soft, no pressure, nothing to suggest she was cross with me or that I was about to get a lecture, she really was giving me the choice.

I took in a few deep breaths, trying to calm myself enough to explain it to my mum. "She asked me if I was gay, I told her no, but she kept probing, asking me questions about what I thought of boys and then what I thought of girls and she somehow came to the conclusion that I am gay, and she just wouldn't let up about it."

"Okay, so you're straight, that's fine honey. Maybe Anna was just trying to help you, maybe she just wanted you to be sure, I don't think she was trying to hurt you, I think she just wanted to be supportive." Mama said with a kind smile.

"But it's not fine!" I wailed as turned away from Mama and threw myself face first into my pillow, like a toddler throwing a tantrum.

I felt her shift on the mattress, she now sat by my side, one hand rubbed my back in circles, the other stoked through my hair. "Why is it not fine?" She asked, her voice soft and curious.

"Because… because…" This was it. The big moment. The one I was nowhere near ready for, but I felt like if I didn't tell her now then I would just explode. "Because I AM GAY!" I cried into my pillow. Wow. That did not feel how I thought it would feel at all. I suddenly sat bolt upright, my tears stopping instantly, "I am gay." I said quietly, more to myself than my mum, the realisation hitting me, it was quite a strange sensation. "I am gay." Huh. I. Am. Gay. I am gay. I'm gay! It was like this colossal weight had been lifted off my chest that I hadn't even realised was crushing me. "I'm gay Mama." I said, my voice sounded different, light, relieved perhaps? "I'm gay." Why couldn't I stop saying it? Why did it feel so good? "I like girls. Huh."

Mama just beamed at me, tears in her eyes, pride written all over her face. "I knew you were honey." She said.

Huh? "Wait… what?" She knew? "You knew?" How did she know? I didn't even know! "But… how?" I asked confused and surprised.

"You're my daughter." She replied simply. "And mothers have a sixth sense about these kinds of things."

"Huh." I responded dumbly, yep, my IQ certainly wasn't performing at the top of its game lately. "You knew."

"I knew. Anna knows, your father… not so much, but men are generally oblivious to this kind of thing." Mama chuckled softly to herself. "So… are there any girls you like?" She asked inquisitively.

"Mama!" I scolded. "Can you not! I only just figured this out myself, can you give me a little time to wrap my head around this?" I gawped at the woman in front of me, how could she be so nosey? Geez.

"Sorry." She laughed sounding nothing of the sort. "But I'm just so happy for you and I'm so proud of you, this is a huge step, and it's scary and terrifying and I know how hard this must have been for you, I'm just really proud." She said finally wrapping me up in another warm hug.

"Thanks Mama." I replied leaning into the kiss she placed on my cheek.

She gave me one last hug before turning towards the door again. "Oh, and Elsa?" Mama asked as she paused in the doorway, one had grasping the handle as she was about to shut it.

"Mhmm." I hummed looking up at her.

"I want to see that knife back in the kitchen before morning, make sure you clean it thoroughly and I never want to see you hurting yourself like that again. Do you understand me? Next time you come to me." And with that she shut the door and walked away leaving me in a state of shock on the bed. That woman really did know everything that went on around here didn't she?

The snow was falling outside, the frozen water matching the icy cold I felt in my heart. I hadn't seen Anna for thirteen days now and I knew I couldn't keep pretending that I was sick forever, Besides, I missed her so much, too much, I had to make things right between us again, I wanted things to go back to the way they were.

The redhead had come to my door every day so far this week… and all of last.

Knock, knock, knock-knock, knock

Those rhythmical taps on my door told me she was back again today.

"Elsa? Do you wanna build a snowman?" She practically sing-songed. Words cannot describe the joy I feel in my heart every time I heard her voice. "Come on, let's go and play!" She sounded child-like as she tried to coax me from my room, she knew I thought it was cute when she acted silly. "I never see you anymore, come out the door, it's like you've gone away." Her voice softened and grew solemn as she continued. "We used to be best buddies, but now we're not, I wish you would tell me why. Do you wanna build a snowman?" She asked again with hope in her voice. "It doesn't have to be a snowman." Anna added.

I was half off my bed when I paused mid-stride, was I ready to face Anna? I knew she'd be wanting an explanation, a reason for my absence. But before I knew it, the door was unlocked, and Anna had engulfed me in a bone crushing hug. I guess I'd made my mind up without having consciously thought about it.

My heart, I was learning, would always lead me to Anna.

"Oh, Elsa!" She sobbed into my shoulder, hearing her say my name made my heart flutter and soar. "My god, I missed you so much!"

My own tears mingled with hers as our cheeks pressed together, I had missed her more than I had realised and having her in my arms like this was the best feeling in the world. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry." I cried. "I missed you too, more than you could ever imagine."

She suddenly pulled away from me, her bottom lip sticking out, her chin quivering, she would have looked adorable if it wasn't so heartbreaking. "Don't apologise." She said, her voice firm despite her tears. "You have nothing to be sorry for, I shouldn't have pushed you, I saw how upset you were over the rumours and I still tried to force it out of you. I shouldn't have done it. But I don't want to talk about that now okay? I don't care if you're straight or gay or bi or trans or whatever, all I want is to have my best friend back and to maybe build a snowman with her?"

I only held her tighter before kissing her cheek and practically dragging her outside. We laughed loudly as we rolled the compacted ice into a snowman shape, little Olaf came out to join in the fun. Our creation's head was a little… oblong and he had a really goofy smile with two buck teeth, but to us he was perfect. I ran up behind the snowman, held onto his stick arms and said, "hi, I'm Olaf and I like warm hugs!"

Anna then ran up to the snow-creature, giggling with her arms spread wide and cried "I love you Olaf!" In her most childish, squeaky voice. The real Olaf fell to the ground, squealing in a fit of giggles.

Soon a fierce snowball fight broke out Marshmallow joined in too, it ended up being girls versus boys… the boys won. Although, in our defence, Marsh was the size of a giant and therefore had an unfair advantage.

Anna stayed for dinner, it was just like old times again, like nothing had happened between us, nothing had changed… except it had, a lot had changed and there was still a doozey of a talk to be had. But I was ready, or at least, as ready as I'd ever be.

So, after our bellies were full and I'd kissed my little brother goodnight, I asked Anna if she'd like to take a walk with me. We strode down the darkened street hand in hand, our bodies pressed close together to keep away the icy chill. It was only when we got to the local park and were snuggled up close on the wooden bench that I began to talk.

"Anna." I said. "I need to apologise."

"Elsa," she groaned, "no you don't we've been through this-"

"No Anna, please. I need to say this, it's important." I interrupted, taking her hands in mine. I took a moment to gather up my thoughts and little more courage before continuing on. "I'm so sorry I screamed at you, I guess I didn't handle that very well. But the truth is, I was scared, terrified, I couldn't admit it to myself let alone anyone else." Here I paused, drew in a deep breath and looked Anna in the eyes. "But you were right." Another breath. "I am gay."

Anna's response was a hug so tight that she squeezed all the oxygen from my lungs and I'm pretty sure I felt a rib or two crack. "Ahh!" She screamed joyfully, sending nesting birds flapping from tree branches. "Oops sorry." She said apologetically, slightly releasing her grip on me. "Sooooooo…." Anna wriggled her eyebrows suggestively, "have you got a crush on anyone?"

Crap. Not this question again. My heart thudded violently against my chest, despite the fact that it felt like it was in my throat. I could feel the panic growing, okay, it's okay, stay calm, just stay vague about the details.

"Is there anyone you like." She asked leaning forward on the edge of her seat, her eyes wide with excitement as she took my hands in hers gripped them tightly.

"Maybe." I replied hastily, averting my eyes from hers. Well crap, as if that didn't make it half obvious.

"'Maybe', she says. 'maybe' I ask you." She gave me a pointed look, again with the disbelief! "You have that look in your eyes, the one that someone wears when they're thinking of someone they really like."

"No, I don't!" I blurted squeakily. What was with my voice lately? "I mean, I wasn't thinking of anyone in particular." I corrected. Lair! My mind hissed.

"Come on Elsa, it's okay, you can tell me, your secret is safe with me, I promise I won't tell anyone, you know I won't." She looked me deep in my eyes, delving right into my soul, I knew she would keep her word.

I drew in a deep breath and sighed shakily. "Okay, okay. You're right, I was thinking about someone but I'm not ready to tell anyone who she is." My throat was tight, my hands trembled in hers, my palms sweaty and gross.

"Yay!" She squealed, her eyes widening in excitement. My eyes on the other hand, widened in terror. "Oops, sorry." She said as she bit her lip. "This is just so exciting! Elsa's first crush, I'm just so happy for you!" She cried as she released my hands and wrapped her arms around me once again, squeezing me tight. "Okay, I want all the details, tell me all about her."

"Anna." I groaned. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to talk about this.

"Sorry, listen you don't have to tell me her name or anything, or even any details that would give her identity away, I just want to know what they're like, I need to make sure she's good enough for my Elsa."

My Elsa. My Elsa. That possessive connotation made my heart go all a flutter. "Well, she's our age." I started hesitantly, I had to go slowly, I couldn't risk slipping up and giving anything away. "She's really kind and caring and sweet and selfless and it doesn't matter what kind of mood I'm in, she always makes me happy." It was like a weight had been lifted off my chest, I felt lighter, freer, it was easier to continue. "She's always there for me, she cares so much about everyone else and never puts herself first. She's absolutely beautiful, inside and out and it's taken me far too long to realise just how amazing she truly is and just how much I lo… like her." Oh wow. There was another word right there, right on the tip of my tongue, one hadn't even realised I felt… until now.

I looked into Anna's blue-green eyes as they twinkled away, her chocolate-coloured freckles glinting like stars painted on her skin, her soft, satiny lips looked so enticing, I found myself wondering how they would feel against my own. My heartrate sped up I dreamt of leaning in…

"So, do you think she likes you back?" Anna asked breaking me out of my reverie.

Oh. I hadn't thought of that. My heart promptly sunk to the bottom of my stomach. "I don't think so." I replied glumly, the night suddenly seemed darker.

"Oh Els." Anna said warmly, wrapping her arms around my shoulders. "Of course, she does, or at least she will. Who wouldn't love you? You are such an amazing woman, you're intelligent, kind, caring, funny, you're so talented and you're a natural born leader. Any woman would be lucky to have you. And if this chick doesn't feel the same way, then she's obviously not the one for you. You deserve better than that." Anna kissed my forehead and rested her head upon my shoulder.

I gave her a half smile and returned the kiss, oh how I wish I had the courage to tell her. "There is no one better than her. She is perfect in every way and I just can't get her out of my head. For these last few weeks, all I could think about was her and how much I needed her. How much I wanted to hold her, to kiss her, to tell her how I feel. There is no one better than y- her, Anna, no one." Holy shit that was close, I had to be careful not to slip up again.

"Wow." Anna breathed. "It sounds like you lo- really, really like this person huh?" I was sure Anna just stopped herself from saying the very word I almost said just moments ago.

"I do." I smiled and giggled helplessly. Oh god, I was turning into one of those brainless love-sick girls that followed their crush around like a lost little puppy. I guess at least with it being Anna, no one would notice the difference, we were already pretty much inseparable.

"Well, I'm really happy for you and if this chick doesn't love you back or if she ever hurts you, then you just send her my way, Hans and I will set her straight for you." Oh Anna, if only you knew.

"Speaking of your brother, how is he anyway?" I asked, I needed to change the subject before I make any more mistakes.

"Oh yeah, he's good. Still a jerk as always. He actually just got a job…" As Anna babbled away I let my mind drift, fantasise about all the things I wanted to do with her, about how she'd taste, how soft her skin was, imagining her calling out my name in wild abandon.

We talked for what felt like hours on end, about anything and everything, it felt just like it had before, only this time I felt like I was finally free, free to be who I was without hurting anyone. It was only when I got a text from Mama asking if I'd be home tonight that we began to make our way back. It hurt to have to say goodbye to Anna, to give her a hug as we arrived at her front door. I had missed her so much, more than I could have imagined, and I knew, right then and there as we held each other tight, that this was more than just fleeting fancy. These feelings weren't going away any time soon.

Fast forward three years, both Anna and I graduated school, I of course won almost every academic award available, except in sport, which funnily enough, most of which went to Anna, she was quite the little athlete. I had gone on to study a double major in performing arts and creative writing, she had studied to become a primary school teacher and had now found herself a job in one of the town's most reputable schools. I sing and play my guitar at pubs on weekends and during the evenings on weekdays, I play the piano at the local up-market restaurant. In my spare time (which I rarely have these days) I'm working on my book, it's a romantic novel about two woman who have been best friends forever, one falls in love with the other and hides it from her for years (sound familiar?) she thinks the other girl will never love her back but in the end they fall madly for each other and live happily ever after.

I only wish my story was heading in that same direction.

I had tried to move on from Anna, really I did, but it was damn near impossible when the girl was just so perfect and had set such a high benchmark. I mean, sure, the other girls were great, they were sweet and kind and romantic, but they weren't Anna.

I'd had my first kiss, slept with a lot of women and had woken up with even more regrets. As stupid as it sounds, I felt like I was somehow cheating on her, I felt like every time I had my head buried between another woman's legs or my lips locked on theirs, that I was being unfaithful, that I was hurting Anna and the guilt I felt from that was unbearable. Sometimes I would try to find someone who looked like her, (I think I've been through every redhead in town by now), or I'd pretend that it was Anna beneath me, calling my name, squirming, writhing beneath my touch. But it never was. I even called out her name as I climaxed once, my god, that was humiliating, and I had to explain to the poor girl why it wasn't her name I screamed into the night.

But each and every girl left me feeling disappointed, unsatisfied and yearning for the real deal. There really was only one Anna, nobody else could hold a candle to her.

"Elsa!" Anna squealed as she ran into my open arms, it was currently school holidays and she'd just come back from a month-long trip to Australia. "Oh my god Els, I've missed you so much!" She had tears in her eyes as she pulled away, then again, so did I.

"I missed you too." I sighed, god it felt good to have her in my arms again, we spoke almost every day, but it just wasn't the same as being able to hold her like this, to see her in front of me, to breathe in her sweet scent of strawberries and chocolate, to feel the warmth of her skin against my own. "Hurry up and get inside, I need to hear all about your trip." I led her down the driveway and into the modest two-bedroom home we rented together.

"Oh my god, Els! I have some really exciting news!" Anna announced, bouncing on the balls of her feet as I went into the kitchen and put the kettle on.

"Well, don't keep me waiting! Spill the beans."

"Okay! Guess what!" She started, a huge grin plastered across her face. "I met this really amazing guy in Australia, his name is Kristoff and he's really sweet and funny and super cute and he's really strong and has this crazy adorable reindeer called Sven! I mean, can you believe it? A reindeer in Australia! How crazy is that? But oh Elsa, he's just so amazing. He took me all around Perth, we saw the city – which is pretty tiny by the way – and the bell tower and we went to the zoo and along a tree top walk which had a glass floor which was kinda freaky but also really cool. Then we went to the beach and they have the most amazing white sand and gorgeous water, it was so warm, and we had ice-cream at this place called Hillarys Boat Harbour and then he took me shopping and oh my god Elsa, it was just incredible! And the best part is… he's moving here! Can you believe it! I just so happen to meet an amazing guy who is already moving to the same town I live in! It's like it's meant to be."

Heart, meet ground. The organ had stopped beating altogether and had promptly dropped to the floor. My chest felt tight, as though someone was trying to crush it with their bare hands. This overwhelming feeling of despair and disappointment and absolute heartbreak flooded my soul. Anna was looking at me, waiting for my reaction and I knew I should be happy for her, supportive, thrilled, but I just wasn't. Jealously flooded through me, I kept picturing Anna in the arms of a faceless man, his eyes gazing lovingly into hers, their mouths locked together in a passionate kiss, it made me green with envy. "Wow." I breathed. "That's, that's great." I said, my voice strained as I fought back the tears that had begun to well in my eyes.

"Hey," Anna said softly, "are you okay Els?" she sounded concerned for me, worried and maybe there was a little hint of disappointment mixed in there too.

"Rapunzel and I broke up." Good job Els, hide behind a break-up that you initiated because you felt like were lying to the poor woman.

"Oh no! Elsa!" Anna cried, rushing to my side, her arms wrapping around my neck as she held me tight. "I thought this one was going so well, I really thought it would work out. I'm so sorry. When did this happen?"

I handed Anna her cup of steaming coco, as I cradled my own between my hands and led us to the couch. "Um, three weeks ago I guess. She was nice, funny, feisty but she just wasn't the one." Of course, she wasn't the one, 'the one' was sitting right next to me, her sweet perfume delighting my senses, her eyes locked on mine, looking at me with sympathy.

"Three weeks! Three weeks, oh Elsa, why didn't you tell me?" Her smooth fingers stroked along the bare skin on my arm, making the hairs stand on end and a pleasant tingle prickle through my body.

"You were away, and you were having such a good time, I didn't want to worry you or ruin your holiday with another one of my failed relationships." I took her hand in mine and gave it a gentle squeeze. "It's not like I've had much luck with them in the past." I added bitterly.

"Oh Els, I know you'll find your perfect girl someday, she's out there waiting just for you, and when you find her, it will be the most incredibly terrifying experience of your life. That's how I feel with Kristoff, we've only known each other for like a month and live oceans apart but I have never cared for someone as much as I do for him. And yeah, it's fast and it's scary and more than a little crazy but I can't help the way I feel. I love him Els. I really do love him."

Freezing, cracking, shattering, that was my heart right now, smashed into teeny, tiny frozen fractals all around. Love. Anna loves Kristoff. Love was a completely different kettle of fish to lust or infatuation. I knew all about love, the hell and the horror it brought, the pain and torture I felt right now, but also the warmth and bliss and the feeling like you were always home when they were near, like nothing, nothing could be better than spending an eternity in their arms. I loved Anna, I love her, and it was killing me inside.

I couldn't help the tears that tumbled down my face, the pain of knowing that I've lost the one that I love forever was absolutely tearing me apart. I was jealous of this new man, and angry at him too. How dare he take my Anna away from me, how dare he get to kiss those lips I reserved for myself all those years ago, how dare he touch that body that I will never have a chance to claim. Was it selfish of me to want Anna all to myself? To never want to see her in the arms of another, even if it made her unreasonably happy? I would rather see her single and alone for the rest of her life than waking up next to someone that wasn't me. Was that childish of me? If I can't have her no one can, I felt like a toddler fighting over the prized toy. It's just that, as long as she's single, there's still a chance for me, but now that she has someone else, that door has been shut and if this is true love, that door would be locked forever, and I would have missed my chance. So, yeah, I was being a pretty horrible friend, and I really needed to push past the pain and find a way to be happy for her, or at least brush up on my acting skills.

I cried myself to sleep that night and every night thereafter for weeks on end. Sobbing silently into my pillow. I had lost her; the love of my life had found happiness in the arms of another and it was killing me. My old habits were back, my arms littered with fresh wounds, I'd stopped meeting other women, sleeping around got old real quick and only made me feel worse. I only left the house for work and spent the rest of my time locked away in my room, distancing myself from Anna as much as I could. I cared not for my appearance nor the dark bags under my eyes, I no longer made the effort to dress up or apply makeup, no one saw it anyway.

The nights that Kristoff stayed over were the hardest for me. Actually watching the love of my life in the arms of another, kissing him, snuggling into his chest, was harder than I had ever imagined. The pain in my chest was excruciating, unfathomable, it made me want to stick a knife right through my own heart and end my suffering permanently.

Anna was unapologetically loud in bed; our rooms were right next to each other and I could hear ever sweet sound she made. Her moans, her whimpers, her cries and screams, it was pure torture. The sound of their slick, sweaty flesh sliding together made me feel ill and had even made me vomit on occasion. I tried to block it out, put my headphones in and play my music as loud as it would go, but it didn't help, for some perverted reason I would strain my ears to hear her, it was like I was addicted to the pain in brought me, I yearned to suffer at her hands.

On one hand I was grateful that Anna had Kristoff to keep her occupied now, she spent most of her time with him and that meant that she didn't notice my change in mood as much. I couldn't blame her, I knew what it was like to be blinded by love.

It was three months after Kristoff had moved into town that Anna came knocking on my door late one night. The sound made me jump and push the blade deeper into my skin than I usually would. "Elsa?" She called, she sounded hesitant, scared even.

"Ah, just a second." I replied hastily, throwing my pocket knife to the side as I raced to grab a bandage to wrap around my bleeding arm. Once the injury was hidden beneath my sleeve, I opened the door and returned to my bed.

Anna looked nervous, she was fiddling with a loose thread on my quilt, her eyes trained on her lap. "I have something I need to tell you." She started. Oh shit. Those words didn't sound good at all. "Kristoff and I have been talking and…" here she paused, as if she were trying to build up the courage or find the right words to say. "…and well, we've agreed that it's time that I move in with him."

"No!" I yelled, suddenly springing to my feet, my mind reeling as cold hands clawed at my stomach. "No, I can't lose you!" I cried and tore from my room, my blood-stained pocket knife tumbling off the bed. I raced to my car and sped away from the house. I hadn't consciously decided where I was going when I pulled up at my parent's place.

Mama came running down the driveway the moment she saw me arrive. "Oh, Elsa." She called, her eyes filled with sympathy, her arms outstretched pulling me into the warmest hug I'd ever felt as I sobbed into her shoulder, clinging onto her for dear life. It never mattered how old I grew; Mama's hugs were always the best. "Anna just called and told me what happened. Now I'm going to ignore what she found on the floor once you left, but you're going to come inside and we're going to have a good long chat. No more hiding Elsa."

Cups of tea made, Mama and I curled up side by side on the couch, my head resting in her lap as she stroked my hair comfortingly. "For the last few months I have watched my daughter waste away, I've seen you change Elsa, my once happy, strong, intelligent, brave daughter has been replaced with someone who is miserable and depressed, someone who resorts to self-harm and sex to mask her pain rather than facing it head on. You've lost weight and you're no longer glowing. Now, I know you won't tell me outright and I'm going to pretend that that doesn't hurt, but I am going to ask you questions and you will answer them truthfully. Do you understand?"

Oh god, I felt like a child again, being scolded for lying about a toy I broke. "Yes Mama." I affirmed with a nod of my head.

"Good. Did Anna hurt you?"

I shook my head.

"Okay, let me rephrase that, did Anna unknowingly or unintentionally hurt you?"

A pause and another nod.

"Is she the girl you've been in love with for all these years?"

I'm pretty sure the fresh tears that streamed down my cheeks and the way I gripped her legs harder was confirmation enough, but I managed to nod anyway.

"Oh Elsa." Mama cooed as she pulled me up and into her arms, tears dripping from her face. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She repeated over and over, her lips pressed against my forehead as we cried together. "Does she know?" Mama asked after a while.

I sniffled and buried my head in her chest. "No. She's straight, she'd never love me." I choked out. "I just want to die, Mama, I can't live on like this."

Mum pulled me away from her chest, her face stern and her finger pointed at me menacingly. "Elsa Marie Anderson! I NEVER want to hear you say those words again. Ever! Do you hear me! If you ever, ever think like that again I want you to go to someone for help, come to me, call a help-line or go see shrink, I don't care, but don't you dare even consider taking your own life! Do you understand?!"

I had never felt scared of my own mother before, that look of rage and terror in her eyes, the way her whole body shook from anger, it made me want to melt right into the couch and disappear forever. "Okay." I whispered back.

Mama exhaled shakily as she held me tight once again. "Good." She said firmly. "Because I love you too much to lose you."

Mama stayed silent for a while after that, rocking me back and forth in her arms, her thumping heartbeat pressed against my ear, soothing me. "Do you want to stay here tonight?" She asked. I couldn't respond verbally so I simply nodded again. "Good. A mother always needs her daughter to need her in return. Now, I know you're not going to like what I'm about to say, but I think that you need to see someone, someone who has a little more knowledge in mental health than I do. I know you've never been fond of phycology, but I think we're way past letting this slide, it's time to get some help Elsa."

She was right, I hated the thought of talking to some random stranger about this, about having to open up to someone who didn't know me from a bar of soap, someone who would judge me and tell me that I needed fixing. But, what other choice did I have? I was almost out of options and if someone could help me ease this pain, then maybe it would be worth it.

Anna tried calling me multiple times that night, when I didn't answer she called my mum, who assured her that I was 'okay' but I was dealing with a few things and needed some space. It wasn't the most ideal situation, hiding from her again, but Mum was right, I did need some time away from her, as much as it hurt, living with the thing that was slowly killing me was an even worse idea, a volatile situation that was only leading down one path, and now I needed to put my mental health first.

I ended up staying for a whole three months, Olaf was overjoyed to have me back, god, he had grown so much! I felt like I had blinked and missed it. He also proved to be a very good distraction, we played video games together, danced like idiots to our favourite songs and even went swimming at the beach. My little snowman (as I liked to call him,) loved the summer and sun and all things hot, he said it was just like a warm hug from the Mama. He was such a free spirit, that kid, and I really did envy how carefree he was. Marshmallow came home for a family dinner once a week and with us all sitting around the table again, it felt like old times. One big happy family.

But it couldn't last, I knew I had to return to the house with Anna, find the courage to talk to her somehow. As my final day at home drew to a close, the dread and anxiety I felt only grew. I still loved her dearly and I missed her so much, but this break from her had done me a world of good, my weight was back to normal, my scars were healing and here I had distractions, Olaf and my parents, Marshall when he wasn't working, I was able to clear my head a little, I began to think straight again.

It was with great trepidation that I returned to that house. My heart thumping in my throat, my hands sweaty and shaking, I felt like I was going to be sick. I had already driven around the block several times, but I knew I couldn't keep putting it off.

I fumbled with the keys in my hand, swearing under my breath as I fought to open the door, my sweaty hands just couldn't get a grip. Finally, it swung open and there was Anna, curled up in a ball on the couch, her head in her hands, her body shaking. "Anna!" I raced over there and wrapped my arms around her, her shirt was soaked with tears.

"You!" She yelled at me accusingly. "How dare you!" She pushed me away and stood up off the couch before she started hitting me over and over, slapping my shoulders and arms. "You think you can just run away from me, hide from me for three fucking months and then come back here and act like my fucking best friend again?!" Anna was screaming at me now, her voice breaking as she sobbed.

I stood, ignored her flailing limbs and drew her into my chest, she soon stilled and melted into my embrace. "I'm sorry." I cried with her, I knew that my words didn't mean much right now, but they were all I had. After a while, when our breathing had evened out a little, I continued, "I never meant to hurt you." I said honestly. "God, why am I so good at fucking things up?"

"You haven't fucked anything up." Anna said softly, "we're not broken just bent, we can fix this thing together and everything will be alright." We sat back down on the couch together, huddling as close as we could, afraid that if we let go, we might lose the other one forever.

"Always the optimist." I chuckled, "it's one of the many things I love about you." The sentence was out of my mouth before I could even comprehend what I was saying. Fuck, shit, fuck. My heart froze solid in my chest and I held my breath whilst I waited for her to respond.

"Mmm, I love you too Els. So much." She mumbled into my neck as she nuzzled my cheek. I knew those words had a different meaning to her than they did for me but I felt my heart seize in my chest nonetheless.

I sighed in relief, that was close, too close, I really needed to be more careful. It didn't take long for Anna to pass out on my shoulder, her soft snores put me at ease. Very carefully, I scooped her up in my arms and carried her to her room. I gently placed her on her bed, took off her shoes and begun to tuck her in. "Mmm, Elsa?" She mumbled groggily.

"Go back to sleep Anna." I whispered as I pulled the blankets over her body.

Her eyes opened a smidge as she grasped my wrist, "stay." She said, pulling me towards the bed. "you're sleeping with me tonight."

Oh, my heart, my poor, poor heart, did this girl really have no clue what her words did to me? The connotations behind her innocent utterances? "Anna, I don't-"

"Too bad. You don't have a choice, you're staying with me tonight, now hurry up and get under the covers." Anna demanded, interrupting me.

This was such a bad idea, so bad, so, so bad, but like a moth to a flame, a glutton for punishment, I climbed in beside her. I made sure I positioned myself at the very edge of the bed, as far away from her as I could be.

The redhead it seemed, wouldn't stand for that and grabbed my arm, pulling me towards her. "Snuggle." She said.

I scooted closer, ignoring that voice inside my head that told me to leave and go back to my own bed, that this was doing more harm than good. Anna pulled me as close as possible, our bodies pressed intimately together, her rear nestled in my lap, the warmth from her body flowing into mine as she rested my arm right below her chest.

I had to bite back a moan, my body was on fire, it was thrumming like mad and the heat between my legs was near unbearable. I tried thinking of other things to take my mind off Anna, the last thing I wanted was to lose control and give in to my desires. It would be the breaking point in our relationship.

Her fingertips drew light circles on my arm as she slowly drifted off, I on the other hand, remained awake, sleep seemed to be a very far off thing for me tonight. When her hand had stilled, her breathing slow and even, I carefully removed my arm from her grasp. With the lightest of touches, I stroked her hair back from her neck, timidly I leant in, my nose mere millimetres away from her skin. I took in a deep breath, relishing in her luscious scent. Growing bolder, I let my control slip ever so slightly and placed a barely-there kiss on her neck, just behind her ear. The thrill it gave me was immeasurable, incredible, god, she was so beautiful.

Anna rolled onto her back, bringing those perfect, plump lips into the not even half-light. Using the very tip of my finger, I carefully traced along her hairline, starting from one side of her face and moving across to the other. Anna kept dozing soundly, I was thankful that she was such a deep sleeper. Next, I moved back up to her forehead and slid my finger down her cute button nose, I had to supress a chuckle when it wrinkled slightly in response.

I held my breath as I swept my thumb over her silky-soft lips, watching for any sign that she was waking. When she didn't move I became braver and very, very slowly moved in to kiss her cheek, right where it met her lips. Anna hummed pleasantly in her sleep, the sound only encouraging me to continue. With my heart beating fiercely in my chest, I did the one thing I never thought I would get to do.

I tentatively pressed my lips to hers, my body's response was immediate. My soul soared through the night sky, the blood running through my veins sang out in a melodic harmony, my heart screamed in my chest as little fireworks went off within my body. It was everything I had ever imagined and more, her lips were so soft, they fit perfectly against my own, I had never felt anything so good, so right before and I had completely lost all sense of reality.

I pressed a little harder and to my surprise, Anna moaned beneath me, she actually moaned because of me, because of the way I was kissing her! I felt so light in that moment I swear I could fly, it was the single most, happiest day of my life. What happened next was something I could have never predicted, Anna's breathing hitched, and her mouth began to move against mine. Halleluiah! My soul sang, it was so beautiful, so tender, so right that I felt tears of joy prickling in my eyes.

"Anna." I moaned, oh how wonderful it felt to say her name like that.

"Elsa." She responded in kind, well fuck, as if I hadn't been waiting my whole life to hear her say my name like that.

Then it all stopped. Her eyes flew open in horror, "Elsa!" she spluttered in shock as she pushed me away, when had I rolled on top of her? "Fuck! Elsa!" Oh no. No, no, no, no, no, can't we just go back to kissing? "What the fuck are you doing?!" That look on her face told me to run, she was shocked, furious, taken aback and I'm sure she would have heard the rendering of my own heart as I scrambled off the bed.

"I- I…" Words failed me, how could I have been so stupid! I took advantage of her as she slept, kissed her without her permission and now I was paying the ultimate price.

I'd broken my own heart.

"How could you!" She screamed, spit flying out of her mouth, her face as red as the morning sun. "I trusted you! I trusted you and this is how you treat me? What the fuck, Elsa!"

This was it. The end. I knew now, that I'd lost her forever, that I'd never see her again. I had never hated myself more than I did in this very moment, never loathed myself so much, never wanted to run as furiously as I did right now, and yet, I remained frozen in place. "I'm sorry." God, I'd been saying that a lot lately. "I'm so sorry."

"My god, Elsa. It was me wasn't it? All these years, it's been me who you've been in love with?" She stared at me, her eyes pleading with mine for an answer. I nodded slowly. "Fuck! How was I so blind? I did I miss that? When you wouldn't tell me who she was all those years ago, you made her sound like she was your best friend and I was so upset and jealous because I thought I was your best friend and I got so frustrated because I had no clue who she was. Is that why you got so upset when I told you about Kristoff? Is that why you slept around? Is that why… why you slit your wrists? Because you're in love with me?"

Another nod as tears streamed down my face, crying, it seemed, was the only thing I was truly good at.

"That's why you ran when I told you I was moving in with Kristoff, isn't it? Elsa! How could you not tell me! Do you think I would have flaunted our relationship in front of you if I knew? Do you think I would have had him here so often if I was aware of your feelings? I thought we were best friends and best friends tell each other everything!" Anna raced around her room, hastily packing a bag with as many clothes as it could carry.

My knees buckled beneath me as I fell to the ground, a crumpled, sobbing, mess, broken and defeated. I had nothing let in me. "Anna, please, please don't go." I begged, my chest heaving with every painful breath. "Please, we can fix this, just stay, we can talk about this, I'll tell you everything, I promise, no more lies, no more secrets, please don't leave me." Pathetic. My mind spat, but I couldn't care less right now, I'd lost everything, I'd ruined everything, and this was my punishment.

"Do you really think we can save this now Elsa? You took advantage of me! You kissed me whilst I was asleep! Oh, god. Please tell me that was the only time!" Her bag packed, Anna zipped it up and picked it up with both hands.

"Yes, of course that was the only time! I'm sorry Anna, I don't know what else to say, please, please don't leave me. I love you! I love you so, so much and not seeing you kills me! I am so in love with you, I always have been, always will be, you're my one and only. You're right, I slept around because I was trying to get over you, I was trying to move on, but none of them made me feel the way you do. They tried and tried to woo me, to make their way into my heart, but none of them made it beat like you do! Anna, I am begging you, I'll do everything I can to fix this, please, just give me a chance!" I crawled around the bed on my knees, my hands clasped together in front of my chest, my vision may have been blurry, but I saw her crystal clear.

"I can't." Her whisper was barely audible, there were tears on her face too.

She made to walk away, I reached out and grabbed her wrist, clinging to her as if my life depended on it. "No, Anna, no, please, please!" I sobbed, refusing to release my grip. A sudden pain stung my cheek, the sound of skin hitting skin resounded about the room. My head was twisted to the side from the force of her slap and I could taste the metallic tang of blood in my mouth. I let get go of her and reached up to gingerly cover my throbbing cheek, staring at her in disbelief, Anna had never hurt anyone before.

"Don't touch me!" She spat as she strode past my spot on the floor.

I quickly rose to my feet, desperately following her through the house, blood tripping from my cut lip.

She reached the front door and paused, turning to me she said; "Don't you dare hurt yourself again. I don't think I could handle it if you did." Her voice was full of emotion, anger, regret, concern, hurt and dismay. "I love you Elsa, as a friend, no more, but you've hurt me, you've betrayed me, and I don't know if I can see you again." And with that she was gone. The door left swinging on its hinges, the cool night breeze blew through the house as I stood there and helplessly watched her speed away.

I slept in her bed every night from then on. Her scent began to fade as I desperately clung to any memory I had left of her. I was a shell of a person, I went to work, came home and cried. I wondered around the house aimlessly and every time I heard a noise outside my heart would stop, my ears pricking up as I watched for any sign of my fiery redhead. But she was never there. It was my turn to call her religiously, but not a single one was picked up. I'd left hours and hours' worth of voicemails for her but none of them were returned. My messages were never replied to and after a whole month, her phone got disconnected.

I'd spend too much time each day toying with my pocket knife, flicking the blade out, pushing it back in, cleaning it, and running the cool metal along my skin. I never let it leave a mark though, it was tempting, so, so tempting but every time I came close to hurting myself Anna's words would replay in my mind, 'don't you dare hurt yourself again.' And that was enough to make me stop.

I had dinner at my parents' house twice a week and they'd call to check up on me every day. I was seeing a therapist regularly and she made sure to check my arms each time. It was humiliating and degrading, I felt like a child each time I sat in her office and I had trouble opening up to her. She encouraged me to get back into my hobbies, to write more and play often, even get back into drawing, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn't do it. It was Anna who inspired me to write, it was Anna who inspired my music, she was the muse for all my artwork and now when I tried to draw her, I just couldn't get it right.

"Let it go, just let it go, she's holding you back, Elsa." My therapist said once.

"Let it go? Let it go? How the fuck could I let her go? She is my everything, my only reason for living, without her I can't breathe, I can't function, without her, I will die!" I spat back at her. "You're married right?" The bulky ring on her wedding finger certainly suggested she was. "Right. So, if you and your hubby had a fight because you'd done something stupid, and he just up and left, would you just let it go? Would you just forget about him and move on? Of course, you wouldn't, so don't you dare tell me to just 'let it go' 'cause I'm gonna fight for her, until my dying breath, I will fight to get her back!" And that was that. I never walked back into her office again.

Both the restaurant and the pub where I worked had noticed the difference, I would often hit the wrong notes or sing off key, my heart just wasn't in it anymore. The restaurant was the first to lay me off, apparently I was bringing down their prestigious image and they needed someone fresh. It hurt to leave after so many years of loyal service, but I could hardly blame them, I wasn't exactly performing to my highest standards any more.

I knew it wouldn't be long until the pub followed suit so I started looking for new employment. There was an ad in the paper looking for an architectural designer, it was a full-time job and something that I could see myself doing long term. Whilst I didn't have any training on the subject, I had excelled in maths at school and could draw freehand from my mind's eye. It was something and sounded interesting so I decided to go for it, I couldn't mope around the house forever.

The day Anna had left I made myself a promise. Do everything I could to get her to forgive me, give her time to be angry and hurt, but never give up on her. In my darkest hour I gave myself a deadline, one year, one year to win her back, one year to make things right and if by the time that year was up, I had hadn't fixed things, then I was going to give in to the monsters inside my head.

Life wasn't worth living if Anna wasn't in it.

I had managed to land the job at the architectural firm, I worked as part of a team designing concept art for each project. It helped to keep me busy, the long hours kept my mind off Anna and gave me something else to focus on. The pay wasn't bad either, it covered the bills and gave me some money to put aside each week. The money I saved, as well as the money I had already put aside from my last jobs, was going into a long-term bank account for Olaf, so that when he turned twenty-one he would have a nice little deposit for a house of his own.

After work each day, I would drive around town, keeping my eyes peeled for Anna. I had spoken to her parents, apologised to them and had given them letters I'd written to Anna. I don't know if she read them, or if she even received them, but at least I was doing something to try and make amends.

Mama had said that they'd seen her a few times when she visited her parents, she said Anna was doing okay and often asked about me. It hurt that she was still hiding from me, blocking me out of her life, but I guess this was how it felt for her when I was doing the exact same thing. I felt a sense of relief knowing that she was okay and knowing that she still asked after me, that she still thought of me, I just wished I could be the one to tell her myself.

The months went by way too fast and way too slow all at the same time. Anna was still just as elusive as ever, but now Mama said that she was 'good' rather than just okay, so maybe, maybe there was hope for me yet.

It was during my lunch break on a summer's day that I got my first glimpse of the redhead in months. I was walking to the local coffee shop to grab a refill of my much-needed caffeine supply, when a flash of red caught my eye. My heart leapt in my chest and my breath caught in my throat. It was her, she was going in the opposite direction to me but I'd recognise that distinctive hair anywhere. She was walking down the street hand in hand with Kristoff, I felt a small pang of jealously but the joy I felt in seeing her, well and truly overrode that. I paused mid-stride and watched her with my heart in my throat, turn around, just turn around and see me. I pleaded internally. She was almost out of sight when she suddenly stopped, turned her head and looked directly at me. I wanted to say something, to run to her, to call out her name but I just stood there frozen, my heart racing at a hundred miles an hour. But then Kristoff said something to her and she turned away again. As she walked off I could have sworn I saw her wiping a tear from her eye.

Surprisingly, my mood picked up after that, as much as it hurt to watch her walk away, I felt simply ecstatic that I had got to see her again. Mama was right, she was looking really good, not as happy as I'd seen her in the past, but I liked to think she was getting there, and then maybe, just maybe, she'd let me in again someday.

The pain of losing Anna still plagued me daily, it wasn't improving or getting any easier to deal with but I was finding new ways of keeping it from my thoughts. I began to take up jogging, I'd run around the neighbourhood until my legs grew too tired to carry me, then I'd walk home and jump straight in the shower. This was usually when I struggled the most, it was when I was relaxed and let my mind wonder, which would inevitably lead to me thinking about Anna. So now, I made sure to blast my music with songs that had absolutely no links to the redhead and I would sing at the top of my lungs, making a conscious effort to keep my mind from wondering.

The half-way point of our separation arrived all too soon. I still missed Anna terribly and each day that passed without her in my life made it harder for me to keep going. I decided to write her one more letter.

Dear Anna,

I'm so sorry, I know I've said this to you more times than I can count, but I feel like it will never be enough.

I love you with all my heart and I never, ever wanted to hurt you. I will never forgive myself for the pain I have caused, for the way I treated you, for what I did that night. You deserve so much better than that.

I regret so much of what I've done over these past few years, but the thing I regret the most is never telling you how I felt from the very beginning.

I was scared, terrified that you'd push me away, that you'd run from me and lock me out forever. So, I kept it from you, I lied to you to keep myself from hurting. I was selfish Anna, I did all these things to protect me and not once did I think about how I was hurting you.

On that night six months ago today, I made myself a promise, I was going to give myself a year to try and get my best friend back, because having you in my life, was the greatest gift of all, and it's only now that you're gone, that I've realised how much I needed you. So, if in one year from then, I hadn't been able to have you back in my life in any capacity, whether it be as friends or acquaintances or even estranged family who only meet up for coffee once a month, then I am going to let you go.

I promise, that once these next six months are up, that I will never try and contact you again, that I'll let you move on with your life and you'll be free of me forever.

I miss you more and more as each day goes on, my love for you will never die.

There is no one more perfect than you Anna.

Love you forever,

Your Elsa

Always

I reread the letter and popped it in a sealed envelope before driving to my parents' house. When I arrived, instead of going straight inside I made my way next door and with trembling hands, knocked on the door.

It was Idunn, Anna's mother who answered the door, "oh, hello Elsa." She said.

"Hi, I have a letter for Anna and it is really, really important that she gets it tonight." I stressed, "Can you please make sure she reads before the day is done, I wouldn't ask if it wasn't so important. Please."

Idunn looked me over for a moment and then nodded. "Okay, I can do that. Have a good night Elsa."

I breathed a sigh of relief, "thank you," I said, "thank you so much." Idunn gave me a smile and shut the door, leaving me to calm myself before heading to my family dinner.

Six months later.

I still hadn't had a single response from Anna. Mama and Papa had said she wasn't looking so well again and that she seemed stressed about something. Time was fast running out and I was beginning to panic. I was still determined to follow through with my plan, a gleaming silver gun rested in the top draw of my dresser, but I was desperately, hoping, wishing, praying to every God, every deity that I would never have to use it.

I spent the day preparing everything for when I'm gone, I had my will made up, leaving almost everything to Mama and Papa, my snowman figurine collection was to go to Olaf and my vast collection of music had been put aside for Marshall. My most prized possessions, the music I had written, the romance novel I had finally finished and every single artwork I'd created was to go straight to Anna. I had packed everything up in boxes, with the recipient's name written in big, black writing and one last letter I had written for each of them rested on top.

I packed up all my clothes, some I threw out, others I labelled to be donated. All of the paperwork about my bank details and the one I'd opened for Olaf, sat neatly on the kitchen bench. My car keys held the papers down and stuck on the side was a post-it note with Marshmallow's name scrawled on top.

I paced the house impatiently, with nothing left to do, I felt lost, restless and betwixt. On one hand I just wanted midnight to hurry up already, to get this over and done with, on the other I never wanted to see the clock tick over, to give Anna more time, to give us one last chance.

But there was no turning back. I'd made a promise to myself and promise to Anna and I was going to keep them both. I stood by my decision and as I thought about it, I couldn't help but feel this overwhelming sense of relief, knowing that this pain would finally be over, one way or the other.

At eleven-thirty, my nervousness had reached an all-time high, my hands shook as I peered through the window for what felt like the millionth time that hour. Still no sign of the redhead. I walked over to my dining table and went over my final message one last time.

Dear Mama, Papa, Olaf, Marshmallow and my sweet, sweet Anna.

I'm so sorry for the pain I'm bringing to you all right now and believe me, if I felt there was another way to end my suffering I would do it, but I just can't go on like this.

I love you all so very much, I will miss each and every one of you when I'm gone.

I'll love you forever and always,

Elsa.

Very carefully, I placed it on the kitchen bench, right next to the paperwork I already had sitting there and on top I rested the silver love heart ring my family had given me for my sweet sixteenth and the snowflake shaped pendant Anna had given me one Christmas. I tenderly traced my fingertip over the metal flake, tears welling in my eyes as I finally let myself think of Anna one last time.

A flurry of images floated around in my mind. Anna, just after she woke every morning, her untamed mane of fiery red hair jutted out of her skull at every angle. Anna and I playing in the snow as kids. Us dancing to our favourite music on one my birthdays, Anna's unique blue-green eyes that would change in the light or with her mood. The galaxy of chocolate-coloured freckles that gave her an all-year-round tan. The way her smile lit me up from within, the way her melodic laugh always made me want to play it on repeat. How she wore her heart on her sleeve and never hid her emotions from anyone.

Sweet, kind, caring, loving Anna, the girl who could melt me into a puddle of water just by looking at me. I drew my arms around myself as I tried to replicate one of her hugs, they were always so snug and warm, everything she did was with such passion and she never let anything bring her down.

Fifteen minutes to go.

Suddenly I wasn't so scared anymore.

Ten minutes left.

That clock was ticking faster, I was sure of it.

Five minutes.

The gun was in my hands, fully loaded, the safety off.

One last minute

I positioned myself directly in front of the door, just in case Anna came rushing in at the very last second. I didn't want to miss her.

Thirty seconds.

Was that a noise outside?

Fifteen seconds.

I placed the gun directly over my heart, the cause of all this pain.

Ten seconds

Anna

Nine

Anna please

Eight

Hurry Anna, I don't have much time left.

Seven

Did I just see a flash of red?

Six

This is it.

Five

It's almost over.

Four

My finger hovered over the trigger.

Three

Goodbye everyone, I'll miss you.

Two

I love you Anna. Always.

One

"Elsa!"

Anna's panicked scream startled me as the door crashed open, the finger that rested over the trigger twitched and pressed down.

"And now we cross live to Kai with some breaking news. Over to you, Kai."

"Thank you Gerda, I am standing outside a Queens Street home here in the quiet town of Arendelle, where there has been a report of a double suicide. Residents say that everything was quiet right up until midnight when they heard a woman yell, followed by the sound of a gunshot. Their report then goes on to say that they heard a panicked scream before everything went quiet again. Then, just a short time later, a second shot was fired. It is believed the women were known to each other, police are still investigating, but their deaths are not being treated as suspicious. We send our thoughts and deepest sympathies to their families at this tragic time. Back to you, Gerda."

Sometimes love doesn't have a happy ending

Okay, so this was written in one and a half days (all 26 pages of it!), got this idea in my head and just had to get it out. I'm sorry for all your broken hearts! Unlike last time, there won't be any alternate endings, sorry! Let me know what you think, I'd especially love to know what you think Anna's intentions were when she arrived at Elsa's door at the very last second.