Been listening to Cough Syrup on a constant loop since yesterday and I'm still not over it and all the Blangst that it could create. Now, I'm not very good at writing anything except for fluff really with the occasional humor (yeah, I'll admit it) but I just needed to get all my Blangst feelings out somehow.
Idea actually came from reading a similar story on Tumblr by klaineseblaine (Dalton_Meerkat on Twitter) so, yeah. Just thought I should give credit where credit is due.
Warning: I know I said this in the summary, but this stories has mentions of attempted suicide, just in case that's a trigger for anyone (which I hope it's not!)
Kurt was just closing his locker when Blaine came up to him. "Hey, Blaine," he said cheerfully before he noticed that his boyfriend's face was less than cheerful. "What's wrong?"
"I… I need to talk to you. Can you come with me?" Kurt wasn't sure why, but Blaine's tone of voice made him slightly uneasy.
"Uh, yeah. Sure. Totally." Blaine took Kurt's hand and led him through the throng of students to the auditorium where the band was waiting on the stage, an empty stool in front of them. Blaine led Kurt to the stool and sat him down. "Blaine… what's going on?" He had a feeling that Blaine was going to sing to him, but he wasn't sure why. Their anniversary wasn't for another few weeks.
"There's just…" He paused, looked down at the ground, then looked back up at Kurt. "You know how we're always completely honest with each other?" Kurt nodded – it was his favorite thing about their relationship. "Well, I – I haven't been… completely honest with you. There s-something that you don't know about me."
Kurt's interest was officially peaked. What didn't he know about Blaine? "What?"
"Well, I'm better at singing things than saying them, you know that. So I kind of have a song picked out. I was going to do it in front of the glee club, but decided that it was just a little too personal and that I only wanted to share it with you." He nodded at the band who started playing the song.
Life's too short to even care at all oh
That first line knocked the wind out of Kurt… why was Blaine singing a song like that?
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing control
These fishes in the sea they're staring at me oh oh
Oh oh oh oh
A wet world longs for a beat of a drum
Oh
If I could find a way to see this straight
I'd run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
Kurt was openly crying now and the song had barely started. Blaine was always so happy all the time and now Kurt was starting to think that that was all and act to throw people off from the fact that he was having feelings like this.
Life's too short to even care at all oh
I'm coming up now coming up now out of the blue
These zombies in the park they're looking for my heart
Oh oh oh oh
A dark world aches for a splash of the sun oh oh
If I could find a way to see this straight
I'd run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
What was the fortune that Blaine was apparently looking for? And why hadn't he talked to Kurt about it?
He had so many questions now, but they would have to wait until the song ended.
And so I run to the things they said could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
Waiting for this cough syrup to come down
Life's too short to even care at all oh
I'm losing my mind losing my mind losing it all
If I could find a way to see this straight
I'd run away
To some fortune that I should have found by now
So I run to the things they said could restore me
Restore life the way it should be
Waiting for this cough syrup to come down
One more spoon of cough syrup now
One more spoon of cough syrup now
His voice faded, breaking on the final note and Kurt saw the tears shining in his boyfriend's beautiful eyes. As the band packed up their stuff and left, Blaine walked over to him, standing in between his legs and wiped the tears from Kurt's cheeks even though he himself was crying. That was one of the things that Kurt loved about Blaine – he was always worrying about Kurt, thinking about his needs, before he even thought about thinking about himself.
"Why?" was all Kurt could think to say.
"I don't feel like that anymore, if that's what you're thinking," Blaine replied, putting a hand on Kurt's cheek. Kurt leaned his head into the touch, knowing he'd never fit this perfectly with anyone else.
"Why sing it, then?"
"Because… I just wanted to… be completely honest with you."
"I still don't understand."
Blaine sighed and took one of Kurt's hands between both of his. "You know how I told you about that Sadie Hawkins' dance after I came out?" Kurt nodded, still not over the fact that someone would hurt Blaine like that. Blaine had the kindest heart in the world – sometimes too kind for his own good – and it broke Kurt's heart when people couldn't see that. "Well… that's what started it all. The name calling, teasing… all of that. And the kids at my old school weren't like the kids here. They didn't just shove me into lockers or throw me into Dumpsters. They would literally beat me so much that I would get black eyes that lasted for weeks or I would start to bleed because I fell on something sharp.
"I just couldn't take it anymore. I had no one since the one friend I had after I came out decided to leave the school because he couldn't handle the bullying. I'd started to beg my parents to let me transfer to Dalton because I'd do pretty much anything to get out of that hellhole. But they said they'd have to think about it and that I'd probably have to finish out the school year so my studies didn't get screwed up.
"But it was only December and there was no way I was spending six more months in that place. So I did the only thing that I thought I could do. I waited until my parents were out of the house because I didn't want anyone stopping me. I went into my parent's medicine cabinet and took the bottle of my dad's sleeping pills to my room. I stared at it for a little while, wondering how many it would take to kill myself. Eventually I decided that I should just shove a bunch of them in my mouth and swallow. I think my dad said it was around 16 or 17 that I took, I can't remember.
"Anyway… I almost died. I would have died if it weren't for Cooper. He wasn't supposed to be home since he was away at school and said he had some kind of big exam to study for, but he's Cooper and he changes his mind at the drop of the hat. But that's not the point. The point is that he came home and found me blacked out on my bed. He said that he knew I was still alive because he could still hear me breathing, but just barely.
"They pumped my stomach, kept me on suicide watch – not fun, by the way – and then decided that I needed to see a therapist to explain why I would want to kill myself. When I told my therapist about my school and the beatings and everything, she told my parents that I had to be pulled out of school immediately. So they enrolled me at Dalton and I started there after Christmas break.
"My parents were still worried. Even after I joined the Warblers and made friends, they still watched me like a hawk and locked all the medicines away. Like, seriously, if I had a headache, I had to ask one of them for Motrin or whatever and actually take it in front of them. Same thing with my antidepressants. They've stopped doing that now, but it was really annoying.
"And now you know everything. Feel free to walk away."
Kurt stared at Blaine like he'd never seen him before. And really, he hadn't. Not this side of Blaine, anyway. Who knew that under the hair gel and bowties and smiles was a person who had actually tried to kill himself? "Why would I walk away from you?" he finally asked.
"Because I'm broken. I'm not who I said I was. I always pretended to be this guy who knew what he was doing and – with the exception of that time at Rachel's party – never doubted himself or who he was." He stopped to take a shuddering breath before adding, "I tried to pretend to be someone who loved himself, when really... I don't. Sometimes I really, really hate myself, Kurt."
That right there stopped Kurt's heart for a second. And that's not even him being his normal drama queen self. His heart actually stopped beating when Blaine said he hated himself. "But," he said softly, trying to wrap his head around all this new information. "You – you said your parents stopped w-watching you. Why did they? I mean… if you're still feeling like… like this?"
"Because I don't get these… feelings a lot anymore. I used to have them all the time, but now it's once a month or I can even go two or three without feeling bad about myself. I even stopped seeing my therapist because I told her that I honestly didn't need her anymore – that I'd found something better."
"What?"
Blaine smiled a watery smile and Kurt couldn't stop his hand from reaching up and wiping away a few tears. "Let's put it this way. The last time I saw my therapist was March 16, 2011."
Kurt's breath caught in his throat. "That's the…" He couldn't even get the words out.
"The day after we got together. Yep."
"Oh, Blaine. I don't even know what to say."
"You saved me, Kurt. I know you didn't know that, but you did. The only time I ever get those… feelings anymore… I'm not around you. When I'm with you, though, I feel special. Like my life actually means something because there's someone who loves me and wants to see me succeed." Every barrier Blaine had must have broken because he just started sobbing. Kurt got off of the stool he was still sitting on and wrapped his arms around his boyfriend, holding him tightly, trying to take all his pain away.
"Ssh," he soothed, rubbing Blaine's back as the younger boy cried into his shoulder. "Ssh, baby. Everything's going to be okay. I'm here now. I'm not going anywhere. You're safe."
Blaine sniffled and lifted his head. "I know. That's why I sang that song. To a fortune I should have found by now… A dark world aches for a splash of the sun… You're my fortune, Kurt. You're my fortune and my sun and everything that's good in my world anymore. I just… I love you so goddamn much that it scares me sometimes. Sometimes I think that I'm gonna lose you for some strange reason and then I'll lose control and then I'll make sure no one will be able to stop me and…"
"Hey, hey." Kurt placed his hands on Blaine's face, stroking his cheek with his thumb. "Don't talk like that, okay? Whether you like it or not, you're stuck with me for life. I've managed to put up with you for one year, so what's sixty or seventy more, right?"
Blaine smiled that squinty-eyed smile Kurt loved so much. "You have no idea how happy it makes me to hear you say that." They looked at each other for a long moment, just reveling in their love for each other before Kurt remembered that they were still in school and needed to get to class. Blaine pouted, but Kurt persisted.
"Come on. There's only two periods left, then it's the weekend."
"Fine," Blaine sighed. They grabbed their bags and started walking to the stage steps before Blaine spoke. "Wait. There was something else I needed to do."
"Oh, God," Kurt groaned. "You're not proposing, are you?"
"What? No! Getting married in high school is so cliché… not to mention insanely stupid." Kurt smiled at how creepily similar they were sometimes. "Come here." Kurt stepped closer and Blaine pulled him in by the waist. Instinctively, Kurt put his arms around Blaine's neck just as he leaned in for a sweet kiss. Pulling back, he said, "I really do love you. And thank you for saving me."
Kurt smiled so widely, he was sure he face was going to split. He couldn't form any words except for one:
"Ditto."
Have no idea where the ending came from!
So… how was my Blangst? Are you crying? Well, you should be!
Haha
Review!