Mea Culpa
By TheLostMaximoff
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. R/R.
He's sleeping a little better but not by much. Roy Harper learned a long time ago to take small favors where he could get them. Growing up in the Glades taught him that but Roy is learning more being Oliver Queen's partner than he ever did on the streets. He's learning to take his family where he can find them and learning how to protect them at all costs. Above all else though, he's learning that some secrets are kept even from family members. He can't say he endorses it but he isn't exactly innocent when it comes to keeping secrets from those he loves. His failed relationship with Thea is proof enough of that. These days, it seems as if Roy isn't very innocent of anything if he ever was in the first place.
The clacking of keys fills the foundry and Roy is accustomed to the noise. It means that Felicity is hard at work keeping the rest of them safe in a way only she can. Oliver wanted Roy out in the field tonight but Roy declined. There's something more important he feels he has to do. Since learning the truth about his nightmares, Roy has pondered his place in the world. It would be too easy to simply brush away what happened, to deny that he is a killer after all. Roy's eyes rest on the glass case that houses his costume and he feels shame where once there was only pride.
"I need you to do me a favor," he finally tells Felicity.
"Okay, for starters you need to not creep up on me," says Felicity once she gets over being startled. "Next, if this involves another blood test then I'll feel required to tell Oliver. Are you having dreams about killing your friends again?"
"Look, I know what really happened," says Roy. "That cop, the one that I . . . who was he?"
Felicity only gives him a solemn nod. Roy assumes that everyone knows what happened that night. He wonders how they could all hide something like that from him but then he wonders if maybe they were right to do so. It's true that there is nothing he can do to undo what happened. The guilt of that inability to right this wrong burdens him like nothing has before. When Roy looks at his suit now, he feels like a liar. He isn't some great hero or defender of justice. He's just a murderer hiding his face behind a mask and hoping no one will find out the truth.
"I can find that out for you," assures Felicity. "Roy . . . you were really messed up after what Slade did to you. What happened wasn't your fault and I'm sorry none of us told you."
"It's not right that I get to wear that suit," says Roy. "It's not right that I get to run around playing hero when I'm not one. Maybe I never was."
The room is silent save for Felicity's typing. She scribbles something on a notepad and then hands Roy the piece of paper. Roy looks at it and nods. It's a name and an address that Roy can tell is the location of the cemetery where the officer is buried. He stuffs the paper into one of the pockets of his jacket. Felicity looks at him and he can tell that she's hurt by what he said.
"I've been doing this with Oliver longer than you," she tells him. "I've lost count of how many people he's killed before but I know that he's been where you are so many times. He's a hero though and it's not because he's perfect because God knows he isn't. He's a hero because he understands that what he did in the past was wrong and he wants to make up for that. You understand that too. You understand the difference between right and wrong and you choose to do right. You're a hero, Roy, and I think you always were one."
"Thanks, Felicity," says Roy. "Keep Oliver and Diggle safe out there tonight. There's something important that I have to take care of."
"That's why I wrote that address down for you," said Felicity. "I'll look out for them. I better see you in that suit again though."
"Maybe." It's the only answer he can give her even though he knows it's not what she wants to hear.
XXXXX
He stands before the marble marker and feels the familiar anger inside him. Roy has always felt anger towards injustice. He isn't someone who accepts the unfairness of life but rather someone who fights against it with every ounce of energy he has. Before when he was living on the streets, he fought against perceived unfairness by stealing from those who had what he didn't. Now though, Roy finds himself trying to balance a different set of social scales. He's trying to be something more because Starling City needs to know that the Arrow isn't its only hero. Still, the guilt of everything he's done cripples him and haunts him because it makes him realize how fragile his newfound vigilante career really is.
"I can't make up for what I did to you," he says as he puts the flowers down in front of the headstone. "I just want you to know that the person you saw that night . . . that isn't who I am. I found out that you left a family behind. I promise I'll make sure they stay safe."
Roy lingers, unsure of what to do or say next. He understands what Felicity meant. Much like his new mentor, Roy is no stranger to the ugliness of life. The harsh truth about life is that sometimes good people end up doing bad things. The understanding that Roy has come to is that it matters most what those good people do next. Roy Harper decides something in that moment. He decides to define himself not just as a punk kid from the Glades or a weapon in the Arrow's arsenal. He decides to define himself as someone attempting to make up for some terrible mistakes. Maybe in the end that's all anyone can really do. He doesn't know if he can ever live with all the guilt but he decides that there's no way of knowing without trying.