Okay, this is a fiction about a boy named Cedric Piggory and a girl named Mary Sue Potter, it is pure crack and I do not own anything. Obvs.
There may be some strange things in this so readers beware. It is pure crack and should not, by any means, be taked with an ounce of seriousness.
Enjoy! (a collab with Blind Ribbon)
Cedric Piggory and Mary Sue Potter
Cedric and Mary Sue had been friends since they started at Hogwarts. Mary Sue's cousin Harry was famous there for all his shenanigans with Voldemort, and Cedric and her were barely acknowledged for their adventures. One of the best adventures they shared happened on a normal day. They were walking down the hall eating magical chicken nuggets that changed color, from the magical McDombles across the street. Cedric and Mary had been discussing the matter of Dracula Malfoy and his family of FREAKS whilst enjoying their mystery meat snack.
"I say, I simply can't believe those dastardly Malfoy twins. How is one of them a veela and the other a vampire?"
Mary Sue picked her butt through her pants and thought for a second before smelling her finger. She frowned and wiped it on her pants.
"I simply do not know. Draco is the black duck in that family, eh wott? Him being a veela after all." She resumed picking her anus in a very lady like fashion. Just as they were about to resume conversation, the two very people they had been talking about strolled down the hallway, engaged in passionate incestuous snogging. Everyone turned their heads to stare, Dracula's peg arm smashing people out of the way. No one really knew why he had a peg arm, he had a perfectly usable one underneath. Draco tossed his head side to side languidly and let his silky ashen blond hair fall down to his waist. It seemed almost impossible considering his lips were still locked with his shorthaired twin.
Cedric Piggory had to admit, despite his pig like features and chunky hands, that he found the Malfoy twins to be quite disturbingly attractive. He clicked his hoof like fingernails and sidled to the wall to let the furiously snogging twins past without being smashed in the face by Dracula's peg. Mary Sue however was not so lucky and as she smelled her finger for the quadrillionth time, Dracula passed with Draco whipping his hair back and forth gracefully. Somehow, he managed to whack her elbow, sending her finger all they way up her nose (almost touching her brain).
Everyone burst out laughing, except for Ronald Weasley who rushed to her side, trying to get the finger, unsuccessfully, out of her nose.
"Bloody hell Mary, how did your finger even fit all the way up there? Must have had some practice!" He tugged, not having any luck. "Blimey, we better go see Madame Pomfrey." They made their way down the hall in search of the stairs.
"Ron, where's my cousin Harry?" Mary asked in a nasally voice, still trying furtively to get her finger out.
"I think he got caught with Hermione making some Asian Soup in the girls bathroom again. Lucky I was out taking a dump and didn't get caught." Cedric lead the way to the moving staircases and they waited for a ride. Unfortunately for them, just as they boarded a set of stairs that would bring to the infirmary, they seemed to have a malfunction and a very unhappy Professor Snop fell from the stairs above.
"SNOP, SNOPSNOPSNOPSNOP!" His eyes lolled lazily in their sockets, each in different directions and he looked down at them from above his hooked nose. Before they could switch staircases they were on their way. Everyone tried to avoid professor Snop, not just because of his downs syndrome, but also because of his uncontrollable bowels of explosive diarrhea. His full colostomy bag hung suspended by magic, right in Cedric's face. Cedric dared not to touch it for fear of it splattering all over him. They stood awkwardly on the stairs as they rotated to their final destination.
Finally, at what they thought was their stop and anticipating getting away from Snop, they got off on the wrong floor. Snop watched them get off and as the staircase swiveled away, he avoided eye contact smiling like a creepy pedophile.
They walked down the hall and finally realized where they were. The third floor corridor. Dumbledoor's words rung through their minds "The third floor corridor is out of bounds and those who do not wish to die a most painful death, should stay the fuck away."
Ron, not being the brightest wand at Ollivanders, lead them straight through the door to the fate that lie behind it. What they saw behind the door could never be erased from their minds. It was in this place that Dracula and Draco had decided to practice their peg dancing choreography. Justin Bieber's "Baby" played through loud speakers as they danced sensually in each other's arms, all of their pegged limbs clacked to the music. Cedric screamed and headed for the door, leaving Ron and Mary Sue to bear witness to the atrocity taking place before them.
He ran and ran and ran, and ran and ran and ran, farther and faster then ever before, except for Sonic. Before he knew it, he was in front of Dumbledoor's office. He decided maybe he'd pay the headmaster a visit.
"Shotacon!" As he uttered the magical password, they gargoyle leapt out of the way and a staircase appeared. He climbed the stairs up to his beloved Dumbledoor's office. He couldn't wait to be ravished by the elderly headmaster. He opened the door without knocking and again, was met with a sight that would be seared on to his brain for the rest of his life. Dun dun DUUUUUN.
On the desk where Fawkes the phoenix usually rested, was Collin Creevey, stark naked and posing like an Asian prostitute. Dumbledoor was standing a little farther off, Collin's camera in his hands. He took pictures while he stroked his flaccid penis.
CEDRIC WAS OUTRAGED!
"Dumbledoor! I thought I was your one and only!" Surprised, Dumbledoor grabbed his umbrella and whisked the naked Collin out the window like Mary Poppins.
"Tally Ho, pip pip cheerio old chap! Off the wash the telly!" Unsurprisingly as he took his first step off the window pane, he plummeted to the ground like a rock, taking Collin with him.
"Good Riddance!" Cedric danced a little piggy dance and left to find Ron and Mary Sue once again, but not before taking a shit on Dumbledoor's desk.
The End….
….Almost
Down below, Dumbledoor got off Collins ragged dead body and quickly brushed himself off, frowning down at the poor dead boy.
"What a waste…" He sighed, and taking one more photo, he pranced off into the forbidden woods, flaccid penis flapping in the wind.
Yup, that was it. Sorry guys ahaha. What did you think?