Summary: Anakin struggles with with his love for Padme and his loyalty to the Jedi. Obi-Wan must reveal his own past in order to teach his student about sacrafices.
Author's Notes: This story is set when Anakin is around 20 years old. AOTC never happened and Anakin has not turned. And as always any feedback would be helpful.
Warning: Slash This story involves a committed relationship between two adult men. If this offends you then please go elsewhere. Otherwise read on.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes as the steam from the pasta he was draining formed a wet, hot cloud around his head. He was attempting to prepare a homemade meal for his Padawan as they had been surviving off of field rations for the past few months because of several consecutive missions. He feared Anakin may have forgotten what real food tastes like. He seldom cooked when they were in the temple and they more often than not ate in the temple's cafeteria. It wasn't that he was a bad cook, quite the contrary, Qui-Gon use to rave over his meals. He just didn't seem to have the time or the desire to cook anymore. Anakin deserved it, though, he had been pushing the boy hard lately and the relentless missions were starting to tire him out.
He heard laughter coming from behind the closed door of his Padawan's room. He smiled lightly. Anakin had been on the vid-phone with Padme for about an hour now. They were becoming incredibly close and it worried him a bit. Romantic attachments to people outside of the Order could be complicated and even dangerous for a Jedi. While he often warned his Padawan of the danger of such attachments, he was incapable of completely discouraging the relationship. It had not yet become a significant issue in terms of his training, but Anakin tended to follow his emotions rather than logic and eventually his feelings for Padme would cloud his judgment. Obi-Wan had been waiting for the past year for Anakin to do something foolish in the name of love; it was inevitable.
On a recent mission he had overheard Anakin speaking with Padme on the ship's comm unit. Anakin had thought he was asleep and was speaking in low tones. Obi-Wan was awake and, though he knew it was wrong, listened to their conversation. He tried to excuse the eavesdropping by telling himself that as the boy's Master he needed to make sure that the relationship would not impair his training. In the end, he was glad he listened. They were talking about marriage. Anakin, it seemed, for some time now had been attempting to convince Padme that marriage was the best option for them. Padme was reluctant, but the tone in her voice revealed that she would soon give in. After the conversation ended, with Padme promising to seriously consider the proposal, Obi-Wan stayed awake for hours. He knew now that he could not continue to get away with the casual reminders he had been giving his Padawan about loyalty to the order. He needed to have a serious talk with the boy before he did anything rash.
He finished straining the pasta and poured it into a large bowl. He poured his tomato sauce onto the pasta and topped it with some cheese. He brought the bowl to the table and eyed the table carefully to make sure he had not forgotten anything. He had set out salads and poured a couple glasses of pluma juice, Anakin's favorite. Once he was satisfied that everything was in its placed he walked over to his padawan's door and knocked. He heard more laughter and Anakin yelled for him to enter the room.
Anakin was leaning back precariously in his desk chair smiling broadly at Padme whose face was practically beaming on the vid-screen.
"Hey Master."
Anakin turned to smile at him and then immediately turned back to the vid- screen. Obi-Wan moved into view of the screen.
"Hello Padme. I hope my Padawan isn't keeping you from anything important," he said as he tugged on Anakin's Padawan braid.
"Of course not Master Kenobi."
"Good," he turned to Anakin, "I've prepared dinner Anakin..." He stopped at the stunned looked on his padawan's face.
"It's not that surprising is it?"
"Master, I don't think I've ever seen you cook anything in my life. Should I be worried?"
"Of course not Anakin, I'm a fabulous cook."
"I don't think I'm convinced."
"Well, if you're done catching up with Padme you can come eat and decide for yourself."
Obi-Wan tenderly ruffled Anakin's hair and bid goodbye to Padme. He walked back to the kitchen and sat at the table.
Anakin walked in after only a few moments and stopped dead in his tracks.
"You're not dying are you?" said Anakin.
"What?"
"Well...people usually give bad news over good food to soften the blow."
Obi-Wan laughed. "I am fine padawan. I assure you. Now sit and eat before it gets cold."
Anakin dropped his napkin in his plate and leaned back heavily in his chair.
"That was amazing Master." He sighed deeply and closed his eyes.
"Don't get too relaxed Padawan. I cook, you clean." Obi-Wan laughed at the pout that formed on Anakin's face.
"Come sit with me in the common room when you're done. I need to talk to you about something."
Anakin gave him a questioning look, but refrained from asking any questions. He knew from experience that he would get no answers until his Master was ready.
Obi-Wan was sitting on the couch with a book of his favorite poetry when Anakin walked into the room. Anakin sat down on the couch next to him and waited for his Master acknowledge him.
Obi-Wan put down the book and looked at his Padawan carefully. He had grown up to be an amazing young man. He was compassionate and courteous. His skill with a lightsabre would soon surpass Obi-Wan's. But Anakin had his flaws and still had a ways to go in his training. He was passionate to the point that his actions were often foolish and misguided. He had a tendency to act before thinking, which drove Obi-Wan to near insanity. His temper was easily ignited and he had trouble extinguishing the flames. Anakin had a long way to go before he would be ready for the trials. Obi- Wan just hoped that he was capable of being the Master that Anakin needed.
"Anakin, I need to speak to you about something very important." He looked into Anakin's eyes to make sure he had the boy's attention. "I know this is not something you want to hear and you will most likely become angry with me, but it needs to be discussed."
"I realize that you and Padme have become very close and I am truly happy for you Padawan. But as your Master I cannot allow this relationship to jeopardize your training." Anakin opened his mouth to respond, but Obi-Wan held up his hand to stop him.
"Don't tell me that it won't, because I know that is not true. I have reminded you of your loyalty to the Order before and you have assured me that your dedication has not wavered. But..." Obi-Wan took a deep breath. He knew that Anakin would not respond nicely to the eavesdropping, but it had to be discussed.
"Anakin, on the transport to Decrete I overheard your conversation with Padme."
"Master!" Anakin shouted in outrage and Obi-Wan could feel the boy's temper begin to rise.
"Listen Padawan," Obi-Wan said sharply, "I will not be interrupted." Anakin attempted to calm himself as Obi-Wan continued.
"I understand that it was an invasion of your privacy Padawan and for that I am sorry. But I do not regret it. I had assumed that you were handling the relationship carefully, as I had instructed, but that does not seem to be the case. I realize that you are in love Anakin, but marriage is simply not a possibility for you at this moment and you must accept that. Your loyalty is to the Order and your training above all other things Padawan and I can no longer allow you to neglect these loyalties. We will not be visiting Naboo again for the remainder of your training and you are not allowed to meet with Padme until you are knighted. I realize that she is your friend and I do not want you to completely loose contact with her. So you may call her, but I ask that you set up a time once a ten-day to contact her. I do not want you on the vid every night. I will trust you to comply with this Anakin. I understand that your love for her runs deep, but as your Master I must make sure that you are completely focused on your training. Do you understand Padawan?" He regarded the boy carefully and hoped he was doing the right thing.
Anakin stood up and walked to the other side of the room. He looked out of the window at the Coruscant landscape and tried to calm his temper.
"Come back here Padawan." Obi-Wan said firmly.
Anakin turned around automatically at the tone in Obi-Wan's voice. After years of responding to that tone it was an involuntary motion. He walked back the couch and stood in front of Obi-Wan.
"I asked you a question Anakin." He said a little more quietly.
Anakin breathed deeply through his nose, visibility trying to calm himself. "I understand, Master."
"Do you? Or are you simply trying to make me drop the subject? I know you Anakin, your passion runs deep, especially for Padme. I know it will be hard, but you must accept that this is how it must be." Obi-Wan hated the pain that this would cause his Padawan, but it was unavoidable.
"What do you know about it?" Anakin said slowly with barely controlled venom in his voice. "You lecture me on loyalty and the danger of love and you don't know anything about it. You and your calm Jedi demeanor. How could you know about my passion? I have never seen you become passionate about anything. Just because your life has been void of love doesn't mean you can suck the love out of mine. I refuse to be turned into some lifeless droid like you." Anakin stood there fuming. He realized that he'd gone way too far, but he was beyond angry. How dare Obi-Wan preach to him about the dangers of love when it was the absence of love that could destroy him. His Master knew nothing about his feelings and had no right to pretend that he understood what Anakin was going through.
"Anakin, sit down." Obi-Wan was near the edge of his control. He could not allow his Padawan to show such insolence. But he understood what Anakin was saying and he feared what he may need to reveal in order to explain the seriousness of the situation.
Anakin remained standing and simply stared down at his Master. Obi-Wan had finally lost his patience as long buried emotions came to the surface.
"Padawan! Sit down NOW!" Anakin responded immediately, frightened by the sudden burst of anger in his usually collected Master.
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and attempted to gather together his raging emotions. He drew on the Force to give him the strength and the patience to deal with his Padawan.
Anakin watched his Master carefully. He was motionless and Anakin was beginning to believe that he had imagined the previous outburst. His Master's shields were up high and Anakin could barely feel the man sitting before him. But he noticed a slight twitch in Obi-Wan's face that revealed his emotions. He knew that he would be punished for his outburst, but it was worth it. Obi-Wan needed to face the fact that he could never really understand Anakin's situation.
Obi-Wan opened his eyes and regarded his Padawan. "You think I don't understand your situation Padawan." Anakin's eyes widened and he checked his shields.
"If you would learn to find calm Anakin, your shields would not slip from your control." Anakin blushed slightly and looked away, embarrassed at being told such a rudimentary lesson.
"There is no need to feel ashamed, we are always learning." Anakin turned back to Obi-Wan and closed his eyes in an attempt to calm his emotions as Obi-Wan had. After a few minutes he resurfaced and felt much more in control.
"Thank you Master." He said quietly. The shame of the initiate level lesson still stung, but he was thankful that his Master gave him the time to gather himself.
"Good, now Anakin explain to me, calmly, why you think I do not understand your situation."
"Master you've never been in love, you don't know what it's like. How do you know that removing Padme from my life would not be more detrimental than allowing her to stay in it? I understand that my loyalty must be with the Order first, but I find it difficult to be loyal to an order that denies love." Anakin hoped that his Master understood what he was saying and did not disregard his emotions as petty.
"The Order does not deny its members love Anakin. In some cases it is encouraged. You know there are many paired Jedi that have had long and successful relationships that often enhance their ability to serve the Order. But you must realize that a committed relationship for a Padawan is taken very seriously especially if the relationship involves someone outside of the Order. I do not wish to deny you this love, but I cannot allow your commitment to Padme to overshadow your commitment to the Jedi. Listen to me carefully Anakin. We are Jedi above all other things and if you cannot accept that then you cannot continue your training."
There was complete silence in their quarters and Anakin contemplated what his Master had just said. He knew that he was a Jedi before all else, but it was difficult for him to accept that he must deny Padme, even if it was only until his knighting. Yet he was meant to be a Jedi. He could not deny that fact.
"It is hard, Master. I know I am a Jedi above all else, but its more difficult than you will ever know." His Master would never understand the pain this was causing him. He would do his duty. He now realized that there was little else he could do, but it hurt so very badly.
Obi-Wan smiled sadly. "I may surprise you Anakin."
"You rarely surprise me Master." His Master was as predictable as the sun.
"I cooked that wonderful meal for you did I not."
Anakin laughed slightly. "Yea....you did. That was quite shocking."
"Anakin why don't you go make us some tea." Obi-Wan needed something else to soothe his soul if he was going to share his past with Anakin.
Anakin looked at him oddly and then went to make the tea. Obi-Wan stayed seated and tried to control his desire to run out of the room and away from this conversation. He wasn't sure he could keep himself together, but Anakin needed to know the severity of the sacrifices that a Jedi must make for the Order.
Anakin returned with to cups of steaming tea and gave one to his Master. He settled back down on the couch and they sipped their tea in silence. Anakin was confused about his Master's behavior. He seemed to be anxious about something. It made him fearful because he had never seen Obi-Wan nervous about any situation.
Obi-Wan put his cup on the coffee table and tried to clear his mind. "Would it surprise you Anakin if I told you that I am very much in love with someone?"
Anakin looked at him, startled. "I would find it hard to believe that you've managed to conceal a relationship from me for the entire time I've been your Padawan." It came out harsher than Anakin intended. He felt like his Master was toying with him. He doubted that there was any relationship, and if their was one, he felt betrayed that his Master would not even tell him about the person. "Have you been hiding her from me all this time?"
"No Anakin this relationship occurred before you were my Padawan."
"When you were a padawan?" This surprised Anakin, though he tried not to give his Master the satisfaction showing it. "Were you forced to end the relationship?" He could sense a lesson coming. He doubted that Obi-Wan's relationship could compare to his with Padme, but he would attempt to learn something from his Master's experience.
"No Padawan...He died." This time Anakin could not keep the shock from appearing on his face. He never knew that his Master was attracted to men. And he definitely never knew that he had experienced such a loss.
"I'm sorry Master." He could clearly see the pain etched on Obi-Wan's face. "How did he die?"
A choked laugh came from Obi-Wan's throat and a tear slipped down his cheek. Anakin had never seen his Master so exposed and vulnerable. His pain cut through Anakin's heart sharply and the Padawan was shocked at how deep the hurt ran.
"You know how he died Anakin." Obi-Wan looked away. He could not meet Anakin's gaze. He couldn't let his Padawan see how empty he was inside. "The whole temple knows how he died. It's taught in temple courses for Force sake." He finally gathered the courage to turn back to Anakin and meet his eyes. "He died for the Order at the hands of a Sith."
TBC