Hello, welcome to today's trash fic sponsored by my garbage brain. I have lots of ideas I want to explore so I'm just banging out fics to help calm, plus, hiatus. s5 au basically happening here.
Nathan is a complication Meredith's life doesn't need from the moment she meets him.
It's frustrating, the way he gets under her skin almost instantly, the way he turns everything upside down just by merely existing. The smallest of reliefs find her when she meets Megan and realizes they are engaged, that he and Owen had been friends since forever, and that they are a family of sorts.
It lesses her desire to do something stupid.
Attraction hasn't hit like that in that a while. So long she barely knows to accept it. So much of the past months were about making herself whole and healed so she could be with Derek in the way he needs her to be. He wants to get married and have babies. She can do that, the whole commitment and be someone's mom thing. She can.
Or at least if she keeps telling herself a thousand times over that she can do just that it'll make sense and it'll be right.
When Nathan takes the job that Hanh left everything becomes infinitely more complicated than it needs to be.
It's fine until she ends up on his service one day instead of Cristina. The conversation flows easier and she wonders why things are so endlessly complicated with Derek. They always fight in order to be together but as she tells Nathan about how her and Derek met, listening in return to how he and Megan met, there's something nice about it.
She leaves out Addison and the cheating without even thinking much about it.
"You are not telling her the graduation story, are you?" Megan smiles all bright and happy like she is every time Meredith sees her.
"The graduation story?"
"That's not how we met, Megan."
Meredith can see him smiling behind the mask in the middle of the surgery and thinks maybe they are as happy as they seem.
"Megan decided she was my medical school graduation gift."
"He says that like he hated that. He didn't. You and Derek Shepherd? He's handsome."
"We met in the bar across the street and then he turned out to be my boss."
Her smile is bright. "It's like a movie."
"Yeah, like a movie."
As it turns out Meredith ends up liking Megan. At least more than Cristina does. Would be lying if she says they haven't been talking way too much about how she's just on all the time. Even questions arise of how Owen and Nathan manage to stand it. Judging from the sneaking around Nathan and Megan do at all hours he really does like it.
The whole sneaking around factor of her relationship with Derek is gone. They usually have sex in her bed, in the morning, before they both rush to work. Most nights are spent reading or she's doing something with all of those who live in her house. Some nights she works late so it doesn't really make a difference as to what she is doing. She wonders when she turned into that girl, only to make no effort to change it.
She just lets it be.
Her attraction to Nathan seems to disappear as quickly as it appeared when she first laid eyes on him. He's the new cardiothoracic attending and it's enough to put him in this little box where he is nothing more than her boss. Not as if she has much interest in that speciality anyway. That's Cristina's territory and she lets her keep it.
It remains that way until the interns do something stupid and Sadie nearly dies in the process. She and Cristina bicker in the hallway and when she turns around she notices the way Nathan is standing there pretending not to listen. Or he is actually reading the chart in his hand but she doesn't really believe that for longer than a millisecond.
She doesn't really know what compels her to talk to him other than the fact that he is there. She doesn't seem much of him as she immerses herself in other cases that have nothing to do with him. "You think she's right, don't you?"
"I never said that."
"You think I should have taken the blame with her instead of letting the bus run her down."
His pen drops as he quits filling out the chart and looks at her, the pensive look on his face not telling much of anything. "I think you know what the right move is and you already know whether or not you made it. I also know when you do become an attending this fight won't matter if you're still here and you're still doctors."
"I've lost for less."
"Teach your interns, Grey." He advises with a shrug. "So they don't have to slice themselves open."
"Did you do that as an intern. You did your residency at Northwestern, right?" Cristina mentioned it to her once after she quizzed him to make sure he is good enough. Very few people are good enough for Cristina but given that he is still there he doesn't seem to be scared by her.
"Yeah. It was good, normal, I guess." Another shrug finds him. "I wasn't slicing myself open or Owen even. I had slept with his sister though so I don't think cutting him open would be a good idea."
"Would he have let you?"
"My finesse took a bit longer to get the hang of."
"And now?"
"If I want to slice people open I have a job."
The line of questioning is weird, she admits. She has questions she doesn't bother to ask and when she sees Megan walking down the hall she doesn't bother prolonging her conversation with him. Instead she merely nods and walks through the doors.
In the end she doesn't bother apologizing to Cristina. Doesn't really bother talking to her at all. She lets it go and if Cristina wants to stay mad then she can. It's not her fault she lost the ability to perform the solo surgery. Sadie almost died.
When she sees Cristina and Nathan working together the next day it hits her that the attraction never left, just buried inside of her while she convinces herself Derek is the perfect man of her dreams. He is in a lot of ways but something about Nathan just hits her in a way it never really hit with Derek. The love is true but how far can love really get you?
That night when they break the pattern of endless morning sex, with Derek on top of her, she'll justify the reason Nathan is on her mind is because of her fight with Cristina.
Not that it makes it true.
The death row patient changes everything.
She can't even understand why the man gets under her skin like he does. He'd murder her in a heartbeat if he could, she thinks. Would probably be lying on the ground dead if he wasn't chained to his bed. Still, there's something morbid about the way it fascinates her. Good people do bad things. He could be a good person who did a bad thing.
She was a good person who did more than one bad thing throughout her life. She doesn't have a body count to speak for, not with murdering at least. She does have some other sins that don't haunt her but if she were to admit them to a priest she would need to give penance for life.
At least she's not religious.
The tension between her and Derek rises as the days pass by. He acts like it doesn't bother him while she remains unrelenting in caring what he thinks about it. She really should care more, shouldn't she? Put more weight into what Derek thinks about her mess of feelings towards someone on death row, scheduled to be executed sooner rather than later.
She really doesn't care while she sits at the nurse's station and he bangs his head against the bed. She should, she really should. She knows when Derek finds out he's going to be mad at her and if it goes according to plan the whole hospital will have some opinion about her. More than they already do.
Right and wrong is a complicated moral dilemma she doesn't know much what to do with.
Cristina ruins it and Derek scolds her.
She still doesn't feel as bad as she should. Derek is just so Derek sometimes. It drives her mad and she wonders how he goes his whole life like that, how Addison remained married to him for so long with the strictest moral code of anyone she's ever met in her life.
Derek leaves and she walks to the on call room.
She expects it to be empty so when she sees Nathan lying there she can only curse her luck. She doesn't really have time for him. He doesn't even do anything. He's polite. He treats her like he treats every single one of the residents. He's not much of a yeller. He does his job and spends most of his time with Megan. She's seen him around Owen a few times but Owen mostly spends his time with Cristina.
She's out of that loop but the fight they are in the middle of doesn't her leave much room to care.
"What's up?" Nathan's voice hits as he sits up onto the bed.
"Nothing."
"Okay."
She hates the way he just exists and she feels some need to tell him the truth. She tells herself he doesn't care and that's probably true. He doesn't need to listen to her problems, even if this one isn't all that petty. It's serious. She's making decisions she really shouldn't make. "I was gonna let the death row patient kill himself."
"What?"
"The organs and he murdered someone just because he could. If he wanted to do this who was I to stop him? But then it all went to shit and Derek got mad and now I'm just…"
There. She was just there.
Before she even really thinks about it she kisses him when he stands from the bed. She doesn't really know what he was going to say, if he was going to say at all. It turns out it doesn't matter.
What does matter is the way he kisses her back, the way she ends up being slammed back into the door, and her legs move around his waist. He holds her up and just that act feels good. Her hands move beneath his shirt and when his own hand is felt tugging at her bra just to feel her does she realize just how mutual the feeling is.
That's even more dangerous. It shouldn't be mutual. He should be telling her she's stupid to throw it all away because her feelings make it so she's acting instead of thinking.
The only thing she is thinking is that it's so much better than she expected and it drives her wild instantly. She feels it all over her body and needs her clothes off, needs his clothes off. Everything just has to go and she needs to feel more than his mouth and his hands. Her nails scrape along his chest, probably leaving a mark he'll have to explain, and she only feels slightly guilty for it. She definitely doesn't feel any guilt as she grinds against him and the feel of hardening in his scrubs only makes her feel better.
He's rough in a way Derek is not. She's pressed so firmly against the door she's half certain she'll end up through it if he tries any more. His hands end up in her panties and she's so wet she is dating like she hasn't had sex in forever, when she had the night before. Ridiculous.
His pager goes off and that's only when it hits her what they are doing. Her clit is throbbing when he withdraws his hand and she already misses the attention.
"911. I gotta go."
She doesn't move from the door as she tries to adjust herself, barely making any eye contact with him. Not when the reality of it keeps hitting her. She almost actually had sex with Nathan in the on call room.
She would go from sleeping with one attending, to two. One, her actual boyfriend, and the other guy someone's fiance. Her hands run over her face as she swallows the lack of guilt. That is what hits her the hardest, the minimal guilt she feels.
"This never happened."
"Okay."
"You have Megan and I have Derek." She settles it, fixing her hair, pulling her shirt back down, trying to think about anything but the thought of him fucking her against the door just because they could. They couldn't, actually. Not really. Not without destroying a little of everything. It's already destroyed. If the page didn't stop them she would be an adulterous whore for the second time in her life. She really should mind more.
"Okay. This never happened."
She avoids Nathan at all costs. If she's paged for whatever reason she switches with someone else. When he walks down the hall she slips down a corner. She pays more attention to Derek and mends her friendship with Cristina. She gets a little too happy in that way that is fake but everyone just thinks she's finally found that true love with Derek.
It works out for her in ways it shouldn't.
Especially when she gets herself off in the shower to the thought of her fingers being Nathan's cock and has to bite down on her lip to keep from saying a name she shouldn't.
She hates herself a little less because of that.
As time passes Nathan never mentions on the on call room and she doesn't know whether she likes that or not. She hates it, she eventually decides. He liked it. She remembers how hard he got and how he was so willing to just take her like she really wanted.
It's ridiculous when she remembers she is the one who said it never happened. He has a fiance who wants to get married. They seem to be happy. How happy can they be if he's willingly cheating on her? What if Meredith wasn't the only one? Just one in a line of many.
She doesn't know Nathan well enough to guess that but somehow, the thought only manages to turn her on in the middle of doing paperwork. All her spare thoughts go to him.
Derek is busy with Addison and her brother, something she didn't think she'd ever be grateful there. Not that she really likes having Addison around. She has even less of a right when she realizes that Derek isn't the one she's thinking too hard about anymore. He's good and he's there. He loves her. That's what is important.
He loves her. Nathan doesn't.
That should be the end of it.
It's not. Especially when she notices just how much Nathan and Megan are fighting in the halls. They aren't really private but they both talk in ways she's not really sure what is going on most of the time. She tries not to linger and her avoidance of everything doesn't exactly gain her any new information.
Cristina doesn't know anything given Owen isn't much for talking about it. He has his own issues and doesn't seem to have much time to worry about the relationship status of his sister and best friend.
A small part of her envies that at least they fight with passion for everyone to hear when Derek just freezes her out and doesn't tell anyone. Didn't even really tell her about Archer until she called to ask him where he was when he'd been acting all weird about her getting home on time that night.
When Derek goes to the bar with Addison and all of his friends from his previous life back in New York she busies herself in the hospital. She checks on Archer more times than she needs to while she makes sure all her paperwork is finished.
It's half an excuse to stay at the hospital and half an excuse not to go home. If she goes home she's certain her thoughts will linger into something they shouldn't.
"Your boyfriend is at the bar with his ex-wife." Nathan says as he finds her outside a patient room.
She's a few seconds from making doodles that don't belong in a chart so she can't even say she hates the company. "How do you know about that?"
Nathan shrugs. "Megan likes to talk and managed to get the whole story."
"The whole story?"
A smirk finds him as he leans in too close for comfort. "You make a habit out of that?"
"It never happened." Her words are quick and defensive, just like she is. The chart is slammed closed and she just stands there, eyes shutting, trying not to think about him there. He smells good, like he did in the on call room. It's late and no one is there. She could just grab him and...no. She wasn't twenty five fucking her way through Europe anymore. She couldn't be.
She loved Derek.
If she said it enough it was true.
"Which part?" He asks, not moving, "That never happened?"
"We're not talking about this."
"Okay."
She gets ready to leave before she turns to him with something of a hardened look on her face. "Why do you always say that? Okay."
He's quiet for too long, just watching, until a moment comes where he raises his hand only to think better of it at the last minute. "So, I don't have to admit that page is the only reason we remain even slightly decent." He moves to walk past her but stops, breathing dangerously close to her ear. "Because if we talk about I'll think about wanting to fuck you until you have no idea who Derek is even is. The thought of ruining him for you, the thought of taking you right here, the thought of throwing everything away just for one moment...we can't go down that road. You know it and I know it."
"Okay."
When Derek knocks her ring out into the field with a baseball bat she feels far less bad for kissing Nathan in the on call room. In fact, she kind of wants to do it again just to piss him off. If he wants to be mad she'll let him, not take it out on her. None of it was her fault. Her fuses end up smaller the longer she's around Nathan and doesn't know whether that is a good or bad thing.
She leaves him to rot in his trailer and lose his sorrows in his mess of beer cans. Sure, they'll end up back together since it's what they always do. They find their way back together. Probably to make it seem like all the trouble was worth it instead of realizing that it just wasn't right.
Meredith doesn't even want to marry him.
She doesn't end up at home, instead she finds herself in a bar. No point in going home if she is just going to sulk. What she doesn't expect is to see Nathan there. She momentarily thinks about turning around and leaving, deep down knowing that nothing was going to end without making a mess of things.
"What are you doing here?" The question comes as she sits down next to him regardless of the fact that she knows better.
"I'm having a drink."
"That bad?"
He drinks down the entirety of his whiskey before answering. "Megan and I are having some problems."
"Derek told me to go away."
"Is that why you're here?"
When they end up in the bathroom she is reminded of the way she acted in college. Doesn't bother to care much about where they do it, just that they do. Derek is the furthest thing from her mind when she ends up slammed against the bathroom wall and he's not being gentle at all with her.
She likes it that way.
It feels like he's getting her frustrations out on her, especially when his hand digs into her hip, but she only manages to grip her legs tighter around him. It feels good, better than she can remember in recently memory, and definitely better than anything the fantasy and her fingers have been doing for her.
He's even bigger than she figured and he certainly knows what he is doing. She can see why he and Megan are seemingly nonstop about it, except tonight, when he's giving into her and her shirt rides up. The imprint of the tile feels like it's making it's mark on her but she can't be bothered to care.
"Harder, please, just fuck me."
When he kisses her it's nearly all teeth and messy. He does what exactly she requested and she swears she is so close to breaking but she can't seem to care. Her hand ends up messed in his hair and when he moans into her ear it's a lot for her to handle.
He's so raw. An odd way to describe him probably but there's something so utterly different from Derek and his approach to life. He's stronger, bigger, does everything in a far more effortless fashion. He's not asking, just taking, and she's happy to be on the receiving end of whatever he's willing to give.
It feels too good for her to care she's cheating on Derek in a bathroom of a bar, begging him to fuck her harder, and listening as he whispers her name into her ear.
He rips her bra and bites down on his shoulder to keep quiet. She's not usually one for keeping all that quiet but thinks that someone know she's being fucked in a bar bathroom is something she should try to have some decency with. When her orgasm hits her she's totally gone and bangs her head against the tile, thanking him instantly, letting the fantasy become reality.
It's all she wanted.
"This never happened."
"I didn't fuck you in a bar bathroom?"
She's doing her best to fix her hair but it's a mess. Her bra is ruined and will need to be thrown out to avoid telling Derek how she ripped it. "No," she shakes her head, "you didn't."
When she finds out Izzie has cancer Derek isn't the first person she thinks of. She has her scans but it can wait an hour. Not like anything will happen that night and she has to convince Derek who seems up his own ass about everything that she's not all that excited to go talk to him in the first place.
Instead when she sees Nathan slip into the on call room and Megan head in for a late surgery does she know exactly what she wants.
It wasn't long since the bar and she didn't spend much time speaking to him. She knows it'll turn into a thing they can't control and she really doesn't want everything to spiral into something it's not, or something it shouldn't be. One of her best friends has cancer. That means something. Not her rocky relationship with Derek.
But then she's locking the door behind her and taking off her pants so it has to mean something.
"Izzie has cancer." Is all she says as she sits on his lap and gets him hard. She sinks down on him the second she can and wraps her around him, pulling him close, looking into his eyes. She'll pretend it's comfort sex but really, she just needs to feel him again.
"She seems like a good one."
"Yeah, she is." In that moment she doesn't pay Izzie much mind, which only speaks to her nature. Instead she rides him, slowly at first, before it turns into something else. She watches him, watches as the reality of the mess they are making hits them both at the same time, but she doesn't stop. Doesn't care to stop. Her phone buzzes from the floor but she ignores it. It's not important.
His arm wraps around her as she thrusts up into her harder, bracing his other arm against the bed. It's better than in the bar, probably because it's less about the thrill and more just because she wants to. She wants him. Not in some romantic way where the story unfolds in her favor, she just wants to give into the attraction.
"This never…"
"Happened I know."
It's their secret, one that will likely bite them in the ass later. When she's not leaning into kiss him as all but holds her there and hits her in a way she just needed. He's good at giving her just what she needs without asking. There's nothing soft, nothing gentle, no love confessions, not romantic dreams. He's fucking her and she's being fucked.
It's everything Derek isn't.
Meredith realizes she's in too deep the day she yells at him for what Owen did to Cristina. It's not fair. None of it is. Just like it wasn't fair Owen had to show up all fucked up and Cristina had to pay the price. She unfairly expects him to care just as much as she does, to be invested in her life that isn't his, not when she has Derek who lives with them.
"Until you've been out there you can't judge." Happens to be the way he justifies it. "You don't know what we've seen and I couldn't even tell you what he's been through. I'm sorry about Yang and I know he is, too. You don't get to take it out on me."
"She's wearing a turtleneck." It sounds about as childish as she feels saying it.
"I heard Derek's proposing."
Meredith swallows and know she's been bested at her own game. "And?"
"Are you saying yes?"
"You have Megan."
"Congrats." The smile he gives is fake as he walks off.
She doesn't stop even though she knows she should.
Derek asks her to marry him in the elevator and she says yes. The speech is nice and romantic. She still doesn't believe she wants to get married to him, to anyone, actually, and that's how she justifies her saying yes. If it is what he wants then she can do it. Derek never has to know about her time with Nathan and they'll live happily ever after in the dream house.
It'll be good.
The next day she sees Nathan in the hall and smiles at him as she walks hand in hand with Derek.
All they can be is friendly. She's engaged and she's going to get married. Actually married.
She does happen to notice the way he grabs Megan by the wrist and yanks her into an empty on call room. That could be me, is the only thought she has.
A sick Izzie isn't something she can say no to so when her life becomes nothing but wedding stuff she doesn't complain much. Much is the key word as some of it is a little much, but it makes Izzie happy.
One day when she's standing in her room in a hospital gown she spots Nathan walking down the hall. She doesn't know why she doesn't unlock her gaze from him until he's out of sight but she does. She feels dirty in the dress and knows that she really shouldn't wear white.
Shouldn't be getting married.
When Izzie asks her what she thinks she smiles and puts the tiara on.
It takes three days for Nathan and her to actually talk. She does her job, focuses on Izzie, and deals with the wedding. Derek seems happy and she can be happy for him. It dawns on her just how much she is sacrificing herself for it, but she doesn't worry much.
She only looks at Nathan when he finally drags her into an empty exam room. The tension is different. He's mad and she's madder. It's not what either of them wanted but they are both stuck in spaces they don't want. It's not her fault and it's not his fault.
It's life.
The answer is simple but neither seems to be all that willing to go down that path.
"I got invited to your wedding today. Megan thinks it's a fairytale. All I could think was Shepherd wouldn't agree if he knew the truth."
"Are you going to tell him?" The thought strikes a fear in her and that tells her about everything she needs to know. Derek is someone she loves but Nathan is just sex. He's good to have around but she'll end up married. It doesn't seem right but it's her life.
"No, I love Megan."
It that's meant to burn it does. "Then why are you here?"
"Turn around, Grey."
"Make me."
He does, without wasting any time. He turns her around and places her hand on the sink, positioning her right when he wants her. The door isn't locked and they can certainly get caught at any moment. Probably what gets her so damn wet almost instantly.
"We shouldn't." It's weak when she says it and she doesn't stop when her pants are gone for the third time in his presence and he's spreading her legs apart. Doesn't bother to hold back her moan when he's teasing her and she's growing impatient.
She can feel him against her and is so close to giving a command of her own before he's inside of her. Anyone could walk in that room at any minute and she just wouldn't care. Especially when his hand ends up around her throat, bringing her back to him, and she's holding onto him with a grip of her own.
She was trying on wedding dresses that morning and there she is, letting Nathan have his way with her. Her own fingers find her clit and she feels the pleasure run through her. It's that unique pleasure that just makes her not even bother to care. She needs him but wants to keep him all to herself. She wants to savor the feel of his cock stretching her and leaving so that Derek is somewhat ruined for her. Wants to savor the way everything about being in the Army comes off of him in waves, so much so that she covers his hand around her throat with her own.
It's just everything she needed but nothing she would ever ask Derek for.
Two engaged people doing things they shouldn't be doing but then she's coming in waves and it doesn't matter. Nothing matters but Nathan.
Doesn't even bother to care too much when when she realizes they forgot the condom and she has a conversation with Derek before going to clean herself up.
By the time the wedding is close she knows something is going to shift. It's a feeling inside of her that she just got used to and couldn't bring herself to shake it. She tells herself it's just the cold feet of getting married and maybe it is. She doesn't know it'll be good and work out. Certainly when Nathan is someone she allows her thoughts to linger on for too long.
Nathan has a somber look on his face when he approaches her.
It's over before it even began.
"Are you marrying Derek?"
"Yes."
"I think you're making a mistake."
Meredith shrugs as she finds she doesn't need his approval for something they both know she's going through with. Even if, part of her also thinks she is making a mistake. "Does Megan know?
"I think she suspects." Nathan lets out a breath. "Teddy Altman is coming to replace me. Tell Yang to give her a chance. She's good. She's different from the way I do things but she's good. Yang could benefit from her."
It dawns on her then just what he is saying. "You're not staying?"
"I'm not watching you get married. I hope he makes you happy. I don't think he does and I think you're fitting yourself in this little box for him." Nathan shrugs halfheartedly. "Megan wants to do another tour and it's the least I can do for her."
"And Owen?"
"I think it's better if we're gone."
"Okay." Because she doesn't know what else to say. It hurts in a way she didn't expect. She couldn't blame him. At every turn she tells him she's marrying Derek and their little tryst means nothing. It means a lot more than she'll admit.
Nathan leaves and she marries Derek on a post it when Izzie and Alex get married. The wedding was more her anyway and she was happy to give her something when the cancer was just taking absolutely everything from her.
It's not until Megan goes missing does she tell Derek the truth and he never forgives her for it.