It's been a year since I was in there. I was the first 12 year old to come out alive. I still remember everything going dark when I came up through the tube. I can still hear the screams of the bloodbath. I still remember running into the middle to grab that belt of knives. I thought that this was all going to be quite simple, kill, most likely die. That was all until I killed my first person. I didn't realise that it was so serious. I just stood in the middle of the blood bath and stared at the bloody knife in my hand. I'm pretty sure that someone ran up behind me because I flashed back when my district partner yelled at me, "Look out behind you!" I didn't even turn around. I just ran.

I stare at the wall in front of me. I've been sitting here a while now. I used to think what I would feel like after the games; lonely or depressed. Something catches my eye and I look up. Ven walks past the entrance of the corridor and double steps backward to look at me. "There you are!" he walks over and sits down opposite me. He looks into my eyes and I stare back. I don't look at him the way I used to. Always joyful and smiling and knowing that he's the best brother in the world. "Is it still all that bad?" he tilts his head so that his shaggy dark hair falls in front of his eyes. "what?" I reply trying to act like I don't know what he's talking about. I know that my new ways are tearing him apart too. He gives a pitiful look. "Come on Trixie, you're sitting in the middle of the smallest corridor in this huge new house, staring at a tiny crack in the wall." He says with a bit of a chuckle in his voice. He called me Trixie. He hasn't done that for a while. It doesn't feel right any more. It was my childhood name and I feel like my childhood has been torn away from me. Who am I kidding? It has been. Ven's green eyes hold mine still. I can't imagine what life would be without him. He's almost 17.

I can't bear to look at him any longer. I know I'm about to cry. I turn my face to the window and focus my eyes on a little bird that just lit in a nearby tree. The distraction doesn't work. A tear spills out of my eye. He notices immediately. "Hey," he leans across and wipes the tear away with the tip of his thumb. "It's all over now. it has been for a while. It'll be ok now." he says in, probably, the softest voice I've ever heard him speak. He doesn't know what's happening. I'm starting to think that he's just as innocent as I was. I jerk my head back towards him. "You don't get it. Do you?" I almost yell, my face getting hot with anger. "This is all just a lose-lose game for everyone outside of the capital! I used to think I was winning too but I'm not!" tears run down my face. I stand up and leave him there. The last time I can remember me yelling at him like that was when I was about three years old and he pushed my plastic doll out of our tree house. Of course him climbed down and got it. I wish I could go back to those days.

I it's been about eight months since President Snow told me my fate. I'm only 13. It all feels so silly. I sit down in my room and stare into the mirror. I have three years left. I have to choose between my family and my left over innocence. I find it hard to believe that I'm not shaking with the shock any more. I can't abandon my family. They are all I have. My mother is pregnant and it's only just beginning to show. But I can't imagine going into "Business" as Snow called it. I still haven't told anyone. Now I understand that sorrowful look Finnick, my mentor, gave me when I won. I wonder how he managed. I know he chose to keep his family. His parents live in the victor's village with him, although he is barely ever home. I feel as though I have disconnected from Finnick. After all, without him I wouldn't be alive. "Dinner's ready!" I hear my mom shout from the kitchen down stairs.

But I'm not hungry. I look back into the mirror and deep into the reflection of my eyes. Dark patches surround my eyes. I haven't had a proper sleep in months. my gaze drifts down to the bottom right corner of the mirror to where a piece of brown leather rope strung through a small hole in a flat chunk of opal. The ends of the string are tide and the loop fits over my head. I put it on and stare at it's refection in the mirror. This was the token I chose to take into the arena. Ven found the stone when we were down at the river bed which used to be an opal hand mine. People used to come down from all corners of the district to collect and trade the opal. There were no restrictions or laws on the opal river so now days we are lucky to find a tiny piece that flows down from the mountains outside district 4. I hear footsteps in the corridor and I immediately know it is Ven because of the sound of his step. Not to wide apart and light, smooth and even. The door creeks open and he steps in carrying a tea tray. My eyes follow him to where he sets it down on the dresser. "I figured you wouldn't be coming down tonight." He says with a soft smile and a wink as his hair falls in front of his eyes as normal. I look back to the stone hanging around my neck. "You have to eat. " His voice changes from playful to serious. "You're getting sick. Look at you." I know he's right. My bones show all over. He pushes the plate closer but I turn my head the other way. He sniffs. "Ok, then. Suit yourself." He says turning to leave. "it's gonna be right there when you want it. He opens the door and takes a small step out.

Just before he leaves, I turn my head a bit, still not making eye contact with him though. "I'm…sorry." I almost whisper. "For the way I spoke to you earlier. I didn't mean to-" but I can't finish. "It's ok." He cuts me off. "I understand what you're going through." And with that, he closes the door and leaves.

I do eat that night. I eat properly. I eat everything on my plate. Ven is worried about me. I can't let him down. I have to rebuild my life while I can, and I don't have much time.