Riley didn't watch as Zane left. He knew that if he turned to watch his brilliant boyfriend walk away he would succumb and chase after him, begging for forgiveness and peppering his face with apologetic kisses. He knew that Zane would always be what he wanted in a partner. As he sat on the bar stool, his thoughts flickered to all of the times Zane outwardly showed him affection and he pulled away or pushed him away. He longed for those sweet and intimate moments. He was losing his resolve as the gravity of what he just did to Zane sunk in. He knew the blame was on him. Zane was always so loyal and compassionate, so open and honest, and incredibly patient. The loss of his mellow and steadying energy made him feel on edge. He knew that Zane had been his constant, when he was dealing with the infinite issues that high school brings, Zane was always there. Now he wasn't. He would mourn that loss, but knew that he would become better for it. Zane was free of him and his tendencies to be spooked whenever he progressed in his identity and his confidence. He was positive and supportive when Riley least deserved it.
As he continued to sit there, the reality that he had finally pushed Zane completely away hit him. It hit in the form of a wave of anxiety because how could he possibly get through this crazy and cruel world without Zane? He'd only been able to make this far in high school because of Zane, and there were waves of disaster seemingly every time he felt comfortable with who he was and his relationship with Zane. Now he was supposed to finish of his last year of high school and leave for Eastern without Zane. "Shit," he mumbled to himself. His breathing was quickening as his anxious thoughts swam disorganized in his mind. His body reacting to the realization that once kept him together and kept him calm and at ease was gone. It was revolting against him. He knew he wasn't codependent on Zane, put Zane had been with him through the entire experience of him coming out and accepting he was gay. He didn't know what he would do on his own, a realization that scared him. A wave of panic ebbed and flowed throughout his mind and body.
Riley breathed in. He took in a shaky breath to steady his trembling hands and to force oxygen into his lungs and brain. The sweet redemption of clarity emanated in his mind and he forced himself to stand up and leave without losing his cool. He walked outside where it was dark and sprinkling and enjoyed the fresh air as he sucked it in desperately. Once his breathing was under control and the trembling in his hands was reduced, he set out to walk home. A home where he could never be who he truly was, but at least it resulted in his parents talking to him. He knew that when he walked through the front door he would have to be completely calm and put together as to not show anything was wrong. He refused to give his parents ammunition toward him. That thought oozed into his consciousness and unsettled him. No kid should feel like that toward their own parents. A sense of dread taunting the back of his mind was the only warning his mind would get.
The mental and physical onslaught of what happened once Zane left him made him feel weak and exhausted. He knew his sleep would not be restful.
So lost in his thoughts he wasn't aware that he had made it home, and even walked up to the front door. He hesitated. Riley steadied his resolve and entered the house and making his way to his room. He was already packed for Eastern and thought it was time that he started being with people who loved him a hundred and ten percent. He made a call, and waited to hear a horn of a car before gathering all of his belongings and treading down stairs and out the front door. He began loading his stuff up in the trunk and back seat, and without a word to his parents climbed into the passenger seat and felt the car pull away from the curb. He could wait out the next two weeks before leaving for Eastern and having his own piece of mind of being free from the confines of his house and the pressure of being the perfect son. He was never going to live up to their expectations. It was time for him to start taking care of himself and putting himself first instead of worrying about the foreseeable onslaught of judgment from his traditional family. He would be judged no matter what and it was time to move past that dominating how he acted and reacted to those that didn't like who he is.
He missed Zane. And it had only been three hours since their meeting. He knew then that Zane wasn't just his boyfriend, he loved him so much that the very notion of not being able to kiss or touch him anymore pained him. Holding hands and laughing together as they talked freely between them may never happen again. Those intimate moments at night where the parents were away and he was curled around Zane in the darkest and quietest hour of the night as they exchanged quiet words of endearment and soft kisses to hands, necks, and shoulders. Riley craved those moments more than anything where Zane was soft and pliant next to him. Zane was beautiful and fantastic no matter what, but when Zane was comfortable and relaxed with a hazy sleepiness to him, warm skin and softened sheets raised to their hips kept them warm as Riley would gently skim the back of his knuckles over Zane's arms, stomachs, and back. Touching toned and firm skin beneath his fingers…and his chest hurt again. It felt like he was being crushed and the weight was unrelenting when he realized it and tried to fight back the urge cry.
The car stopped and Riley looked around him, trying to remember where he was at. "Riley, honey, I can't take you home with me like this. You need to have a long talk with Zane," his voice or reason said to him as a delicate hand gently rubbed his shoulder. "I'll come back as soon as you call."
Riley knew she was right, and he looked out to see Zane's house, and to his relief his parents weren't home. He stepped out of the car because in just the few hours of knowing he had ended things with Zane thinking it would be better for him, it wasn't. He was so wrong. If he knew Zane as well as he did, and knew that his sweet and loving boyfriend would be just as upset as Riley was himself. Zane deserved so much better, and Riley knew Zane deserved the very best. He was selfish though. He always had been. Now it was a matter of choosing what to be selfish over, and this…mistake needed to be rectified because it had made him grow. It had given him a clear picture of what he needed to do for himself because despite everything, he was going to fight so hard to keep Zane and not have a measly cheek kiss as their good-bye kiss. There would be no more of those, and if Riley had it his way, nothing would separate him from Zane again. He approached the door and knocked on it. He waited. The few seconds he stood there in his shame and guilt felt like an eternity waiting for his judge to condemn or redeem him.
The door opened. Riley looked up to see Zane with red-rimmed eyes and pale cheeks. He was wearing a loose t-shirt and gym shorts. And his every-knowing Zane didn't look surprised at all to see Riley standing there. It was quiet between them as they both took in the appearance of each other's grief. They both looked like wrecks, and how deeply affected they were by the ending of their relationship just a few hours ago.
Riley opened his mouth to speak, but his throat felt sore and tight and he knew that tears were about to ascend down once more. He tried his best to clear it before speaking, his voice hoarse, "I love you, and I know that when you love someone you aren't supposed to be the cause for their sadness and tears. I just felt that I was holding you back because I couldn't come out to my parents yet. And after our talk tonight and you left, I didn't care anymore. I didn't care about ma or pa or anyone else except for the fact you and your parents are my family, as well as all of the people who accept me for who I am. You walking out after I said those words, watching you leave it was the reality check I needed to know that I don't have to prove myself to anyone. And I think that's what I got caught up in. The fact that I was constantly trying to prove myself to everyone and not doing what was right for me and the person that I love.
I didn't do right by you, Zane, and I realize that now. You've been patient with me, and so understanding and I took advantage of that. I don't know if this is even making any since because at this point all I know is that living without you would be manageable, but I don't want too. I made a mistake earlier, and I realize that I needed to make it to understand what I truly wanted and what I wanted to put an effort into. And that's you, not my parents. You're what matters."
His hands were trembling again at his side and tears were sliding freely down his numb cheeks and his voice cracked and broke when he spoke, but the ball was in Zane's side of the court now. He determined whether the heart ache would continue, or stop. He desperately hoped for the latter.
Zane took a moment before he spoke, "I need you to love me whole-heartedly, Riley. I need you to come to me when you're feeling unsure and need to work things out, I need you to share your joys and successes that you make so that I can celebrate with you. I need you to touch and kiss me without hesitation, without looking behind your back. I just need you to do that for me. Please."
And Riley knew then that he would do anything for this perfect and incredible man. A person who showed an abundance of love and kindness to everyone, and those who were certainly undeserving of it. That included him.
Riley reached out, nodding his head in agreement, pulling Zane into him for a hug. He squeezed Zane tight as he mumbled, "of course" over and over again into Zane's neck. Zane's composure shattered and he began to cry, and all of the hurt that Riley caused Zane was being released and forgiven as Riley held on to the other. That's when Riley began to release the tsunami of apologies the other deserved. Soon Zane's cries turned into sniffles and Riley murmured quiet affirmations of love to him.
"Let's go inside, okay?" Riley said, gently nudging the other inside his house and closing and locking the door behind him. Zane had pulled away to wipe at his eyes and face and ran his fingers through his hair. Riley was exhausted. Zane looked exhausted. Riley gathered Zane in his arms again, "Let's go to sleep." Zane nodded and they went to his bedroom. Riley pulled off his clothes, as Zane threw him a pair of gym shorts he had left here for this very reason. Once Riley changed, he sat on the edge of the bed and pulled Zane to him, the other straddling him effortlessly. Riley held onto his hips as he leaned in for a kiss. A soft and gentle kiss, only being separated at the need to breathe. Hands were exploring the quickly warming skin and willing themselves to forget about the conversation earlier. They invested themselves with the here and now, and really that's all that mattered.
Riley lifted Zane by the thighs and turned around to lay him on the bed and followed suit, curling around Zane's body protectively and pressing a kiss to his neck, "I love you, Zane."
"I know, Riley," Zane replied, leaning into Riley's chest.
And that was that.
"I love you, too," Zane added, and Riley smiled, nuzzling his face into Zane's neck.
It was ten years later that Riley was sitting on the couch reflecting on his relationship with Zane throughout the years. Riley graduated Eastern with a sociology degree, but was drafted and was now a very successful football player. Zane earned his Masters in psychology, and has a Bachelor's in chemistry. Once Zane received his Masters, they got married. They've been married for four years now. The silver band on his left hand reminded him just how lucky he had been. His high school sweetheart turned husband. After that fateful night, nothing like that happened again. They argued, but they were able so work it out by talking and not shutting each other out. They learned from their mistakes, and even though the nay-sayers said that they wouldn't last, they did.
So much so that he looked up when he heard a soft chuckled. Zane was holding a sleeping baby in his arms. He smiled at Zane and patted the seat beside him. Zane was holding their son, adopted a couple of months ago.
"He's such a good nap-taker," Zane commented, pressing a kiss to the sweet baby's head.
Riley smiled and gently stroked the baby's back, "He's been a great baby. I wonder if he will be a great teenager," he said, laughing softly.
Zane smirked, "Brendan will be an absolute angel for his daddies, won't he?" He cooed softly.
"Where's Eliza?" Riley asked.
"Playing in her room. Imaginary tea party, but no daddies or baby brothers allowed." Zane informed.
Riley huffed out a laugh. His oldest daughter, only at four years old, had quite the personality. She was adopted only a year ago and was adjusting well. She had been such a broken little girl that Riley and Zane finally decided to bring her to her forever home. They came by Brendan on accident. They were looking for another toddler when their social service lady contacted them about a three month baby who needed care from a family with money. And since Riley made plenty of it, she decided to contact them first. Brendan had heart problems and needed constant doctor care and medications. They accepted the baby into their family and visited the doctors who could give him the best care. Their little fighter soldiered on brilliantly, and at nine months he was finally at the weight he needed to be at.
"I want another one," Zane said, "Someone older than Eliza though."
Riley turned to look at Zane, "Really?"
"Everyone wants the younger children, but never older. I think we should look into it. Maybe a six or seven year old that way they aren't that much older than Eliza." Zane said thoughtfully.
Riley smiled, "You've been thinking a lot about this, haven't you?"
Zane smiled, "Yeah, I know we talked about surrogates, but this feels right. This feels more rewarding. Taking in children that don't have a family they can call their own."
Riley smiled, and leaned into kiss Zane on the forehead, "I guess we'll have contact Maria."
Zane flashed his brilliantly white smile at him, "You don't mind?"
"As long as you're okay with it, I am, too," Riley said.
"Boy or girl?" Zane asked.
"Boy," Riley said.
Zane grinned, "I wanted a boy, too. Statistically, they're less likely to be adopted out."
Riley looked down at Brendan, sleeping so content and warm against Zane's chest and knew that if he was asked fifteen year ago that he would be married to a man, and earned a degree, and was a professional football player, and was also a father to two adopted babies, he would have scoffed and punched you in the face.
Here he was though, never happier and never more in love than he was every second he could looked at Zane.