Obligatory Disclaimer so I don't get sued: I don't own "Ugly Betty" or any of the characters and/or brand names mentioned, sadly. I just play around with them when I'm feeling bored.

A/N: After seeing "A Thousand Words by Friday," I thought to myself "What if Daniel asked Betty to get Claire off his back?" And there you have it, the inspiration for this fanfic. Behold, the wacky misadventures of Betty and Claire.

Daniel lay awake and let his eyes drift over Renee's luscious form.

No, it wasn't love. Daniel Meade had only loved two women, aside from his mother and his sister, of course: Sophia Reyes and Betty Suarez. The former had a foundation rooted in lust, the latter had a foundation rooted in a friendship so deep the word "friendship" didn't do it justice.

In fact, the latter was where his mind drifted before, after, and in-between every encounter with every pretty body he came in contact with lately.

Sure, Renee was gorgeous and sassy and, frankly, kind of like Sophia. In addition to her other, um, assets, she was a bunny in the sack and, as an added bonus, she was Wilhelmina Slater's sister. Sure, that had been an awkward moment seeing Wili naked in the shower, but at least he'd gotten the satisfaction of honestly telling her she needed to get a refund for her Brazilian butt lift.

The situation, which had freaked him out at first, was, upon closer inspection, completely and utterly juicy. At least he and Renee had one thing in common—each was using the other for 1) sex and 2) to royally piss off Wili.

Daniel rolled over and put his arms behind his head, the traditional post-coital position of the self-satisfied male, and wondered what Betty was up to.

He'd asked, no, begged her to take his mother somewhere, anywhere that didn't involve her rifling through his porny magazines and tut-tut-ing over the "half-naked hoochie mural" painted on the wall of his apartment.

What shenanigans could Claire possibly get up to with Betty in tow? Daniel, for his part, could barely bring himself to swear when he was around his best friend, much less do anything wacky or criminal. And it also keeps Betty and Henry from having time to mack... four months, six days, twenty minutes and thirty seconds left, Grubstank, till I give you a granola bar, a pat on the back, and toss you on the next plane to Phoenix or wherever the hell you'll eek out the rest of your dorky existence FAR AWAY from my girl…

Daniel had long since stopped giving himself a smack on the forehead in an attempt to shake thoughts like these loose. After all, if he did it every time he started to have possessive thoughts about Betty, his head would be black and blue. So what he did instead was have sex. Lots of it.

He was about to reach over and shake Renee awake for Round Five when his cell started vibrating on the nightstand next to him. Betty…

Not even bothering to wrap a sheet around his naked form, he padded into the bathroom to avoid waking Renee. It was two a.m., so Daniel was already worried about why she'd be calling him this late, but when he heard her precious, quivery little voice he broke out into a cold sweat.

"Daniel?" she breathed unsteadily.

Daniel's mind raced, frantic and wild, over all the things that could've happened to her. He'd dropped off his mom and left her with Betty at the Beer Hole—maybe someone slipped something in her drink, maybe she was grabbed and assaulted outside, maybe she'd ventured back into the Bear Hole next door to drum up an audience for Henry's band and all of the above occured, maybe, maybe, maybe…God, this must be what it felt like to be an older brother with a sweet, vulnerable baby sister. Or said sweet, vulnerable girl's boyfriend…

"Betty, what's wrong? Is Mom alright? Are you?" Who do I need to kill? If you say "Henry", I'll give you a raise…

"Well, I mean, physically, yeah, we're okay but Daniel, I have to tell you something. And you have to promise not to freak and start yelling."

"Alright, I feel super-comforted now. But I won't yell, just don't make me play twenty questions, here." Still worried but reassured that at least she wasn't physically hurt, he was prepared to feel the urge to put her over his knee and spank her, throttle her, and/or kiss her senseless, urges that he felt so often with this girl and none of which seemed unpleasant to him most times.

"Daniel, Mrs. Meade and I are at the New York Police Department. We need you to come post bail."

What do you think? More? Or not? Either way, I live and breathe reviews. I'm just that needy. :D