Evening
James' face was wet with tears as he walked down the corridors away from the Gryffindor common room. The castle around him was mostly silent now, emptied of most of its usual residents on account of the Christmas holidays. He tried to calm his breathing. He was seventeen years old, for crying out loud. He was too old to be falling apart in public.
"James?" an unsure voice rang out behind him. He turned his body, ready with a half assed retort when he came eye to eye with the Head Girl, her lit up want raised and tone wavering with uncertainty. "Hey, Lily." James cursed himself for forgetting that someone would be down here doing rounds at this time.
That Morning
The grounds were gorgeous under blankets of snow, growing even more so as they days ticked by, nearing winter's big holiday. The usual oversized Christmas trees had been dragged into the Great Hall and decorated within an inch of their lives. It's been years since James had spent his entire Christmas break at the castle. Usually he would spend the bulk of his holiday in Godric's Hollow with his parents, then arrive back at school in time to meet up with his friends. This year, the same cheer that had infected the Hogwarts population only succeeded in nauseating him.
The Christmas stay at Hogwarts wasn't his choice. He and Sirius had no choice but to remain at school, as their only remaining home, once welcoming, now sat somber. And his parents, both respected aurors, lay cold many feet under the ground in the nearby cemetery.
He had barely managed to drag himself to his last week of classes. As the holidays drew nearer, their content diminished to almost nothing. Where there was once challenging work was now replaced by easygoing lessons, and the newfound quiet seeped into James' head until the lack of distraction was almost painful. He found himself laying in his bed later each morning, hoping to sleep through classes and into the next term.
"James, get the fuck out of bed," It was eight, a mere half hour before the boys were expected to arrive ready to their Charms class, and James was still nestled between his sheets, still clad in yesterday's crumpled clothes. He moaned in response. "No, James, that wasn't a suggestion," Again, Remus' tone was more than slightly condescending. His voice came from his left, this time closer and more agitated. "Just get through this one last day, and I promise we'll leave you alone for the rest of the break."
Only an exasperated groan came from the mass of blankets.
"You'll never woo Evans if you never leave the tower," he joked. A mumble came from the bead in response, sounding vaguely like an I don't care.
That was James' attitude as of late. At the end of their sixth year, Lily and James had managed to patch up their issues, inching closer and closer to an actual friendship. This, James coveted, the tiny splinter of hope of finally becoming at least friends. And since it meant so much to him, it meant no more obsessing, no more taunts, jokes, messing up his hair for the sake of it. Those days were behind him, leaving his fellow Marauders in a sudden state of shock. Now, he showed even less interest in his usual activities. The James as of late could hardly get himself out of bed on his own.
But James did go to his last day of classes, thanks to Remus' persistence. He attended Charms and Potions, not even noticing the cold in the dungeons. He was present even in Muggle Studies, an unnecessary class if we was planning on working at the Ministry, according to Mcgonagall, but important if he wanted to make polite conversation with Lily Evans someday.
Obviously not much cheered up since that morning, James returned to Gryffindor tower after class. The rest of the Marauders tried to convince him to go to dinner with them, but he waved off their requests and took solace in the quiet of the common room. For a while, anyways. He had been staring into the embers of the fireplace for a while when students began to trickle back in and unpack their books, or simply plop down onto a couch. Incessant chattering filled the room before long. James heard snippets of their conversations as he sat, unmoving. The girls to his left were going travelling over the holidays. The boys behind him were discussing Christmas gifts.
When his friends returned they, too, talked about their plans. Peter was anxious about spending time with his family, and Remus was contemplating on taking the Knight bus home, but oh, isn't it uncomfortable, and Sirius didn't have plans because, of course, he was meant to spend the break with him…
A pop came from the fireplace. James stood up. "I'm going for a walk," His friends moved to stand. "No, stay here, I won't be long."
Evening
And so that brought them to the drafty hallway, frozen, cautious, debating between fight or flight. James knew that his eyes must have been red, feeling the evidence of his tears still on his face. He held Lily's gaze nonetheless, taking in her posture, uncomfortable but unwilling to leave, having much to say but fearful to let it known.
"What are you doing here?" He tried keeping his voice steady, solid, as if to cover up his momentary exposure of weakness.
"Rounds," she replied, voice echoing ever the slightest. She didn't say another word, shifting between averting her gaze and stubbornly meeting his eyes. James longed for any sort of interruption: a rebellious student, an interfering ghost, a giant explosion.
"Great." he said. As long as he waited, as much as he hoped, there was a distinct lack of sudden commotions in their general vicinity.
Lily shifted her feet, giving the impression of feeling about as awkward as James himself felt. She feigned interest in the empty hall around them, taking in the bare stone walls, unsure if she should have left or not. It took moments for her to speak again. "I'm going to-"
"Wanna come to the kitchens?" James blurted out before she had the opportunity to finish. Now that she was here, he didn't want her to leave, didn't want to be left alone in the dark corners of his mind. Even their silences were louder, more distracting than the chaos of the Gryffindor common room.
Lily was taken aback. James hesitated, almost wishing to take his request back before the tiniest of smiles crept onto her face. "Yeah, of course," she said. "It's not like anyone's out, anyways."
And off they went, the lovesick boy and the girl who hated him. Only she didn't hate him anymore, not really.
They made their way down the halls, footsteps echoing on the ancient stone as they moved further and further into the dungeons. They came to an unspoken agreement to remain silent, lest the moment their words pierced the silence, whatever understanding that lay between them would vanish, and hostility would ensue. Their path twisted and turned, through passages and around mobile suits of armour adorned with festive wreaths until they came face to face with a certain painting of a bowl of fruit. They both moved to tickle the lone pear, hands colliding in the process.
"Geez, Evans, hands to yourself." Lily froze momentarily, then relaxed when she realized he was joking, actually joking with lightness that no one has seen in him for a while. She swatted him gently on the shoulder before climbing first through the portrait hole. Inside, the kitchen was bursting with energy as the house elves scurried to clean up whatever remained after dinner.
"I'm starved," James mentioned, grabbing a baked good from a passing tray.
"I, uh, noticed that you hadn't eaten much today." Lily said, busying herself with a tray of treats the house elves had shoved into their arms. James' pulse quickened more than could have possibly been healthy. Lily Evans stood in front of him, stuffing her face in sweets and worrying over his welfare. He gave her a once over as they settled onto stools by the fireplace, house elves scurrying around them, eager to fix the pair some tea. James remained lost in thought. The two were long past the point where they wanted to rip the other's head off, but were not quite chummy yet. They were what they were, not friends, yet managing to remain in that comfortable silence like only friends could.
"I wasn't hungry," he said absent mindedly. It was now Lily's turn to give him a look.
"That's rare," she said. "Um, you're not usually at school during the holidays, are you? I don't remember seeing you at this time" The lighthearted mood was gone in an instant, replaced instead by a tense pause. He didn't want to talk about it, wasn't going to talk about it, and yet, there Lily sat, and looking at her made him want to talk. She appeared to be uncomfortable at his own discomfort, fiddling with the leftover sugar meant for tea, and James spoke, as much for her own benefit as well as his own.
"If I went home, if would have just been me and Sirius," he admitted. "My parents… died. A few weeks ago." Damn, tears were threatening to fall yet again. Saying it out loud made it all the more real, scaring the denial away. But it felt better. It was out, and there was no hiding from it now.
"I didn't know." Rather than looking regretful or sympathetic, Lily looked at him with complete understanding, her own pain and tears hidden away behind her eyes.
"There's no way you could have known. We kept fairly quiet about it."
"Tell me about them." James lifted his eyes to see Lily's own looking at him, lacking the despicable pity everyone's contained and instead filled with genuine interest. Pouring them each another cup of tea, she smiled.
He began his story.