Kylo and Hux vs. Starkiller
Suggested Theme:
Main Theme- Simple Song by The Shins
Kylo hates it when his Master and the General have their private meetings. I know the General is bitching about me to the Master. Telling him how I destroyed conference room so-and-so. Or Force-pushing those worthless Stormtroopers into the walls again. All Hux does is bitch, fill out reports, give dispassionate speeches, and not eat! He's such an emotionless bas—
General Hux comes out from the meeting chamber. He's paler than before, his skin looking more like fresh snow than its usual pastiness. He walks stiffer than usual and grips a plastic box tightly like he's about to break it between his gloved hands.
Woah, he looks scared shitless. He couldn't have gotten fired or else Master would've ordered me to kill him and then I'd be burning him to add to grandfather's ash shrine. Actually, before burning him, I would change him into this green-lace, see-through robe I've been sewing. I would have to taper it in substantially, but I think it would fit Hux nicely. He at least deserves to dress fashionably for once in his life. Er, in death.
Kylo was going to politely stalk to the turbolift and avoid the General for the rest of the day.
"Lord Ren…I need your assistance." Force, he sounds so despondent like he's been given a terminal diagnosis.
"With what, General?' This is the second time that Kylo is able to utter Hux's title without a hint of sarcasm. Hux looks at him and then looks down, opens his small mouth and then closes it.
Force, what if he's really dying? What if Master sensed something was wrong with him and told him that he was dying? And he thought, because he has a habit of doubting my Master, I could help him since I am one of the strongest Force-users in the galaxy…And he's willing to swallow his pride and trust me to save his life. Oh, that's actually sad!
"Um…I have—" Hux, for once, falters. Kylo's heart sinks.
"I can't save you from death." Hux's blue eyes widen and he goes stock still. Oh shit, he's going to cry! I didn't want to give him false hopes and he of all people should know I'm only good at taking life! Plus, I suck at Force-healing and Maladi isn't powerful enough to save him. Okay, okay, I'll be the shoulder he can cry on and I'll let him even get one punch in. But he's totally going to break his bony hand since my body is nothing but muscles.
"…I have this videogame that the Supreme Leader wants me to play to see if the game developers somehow found out about Starkiller. I was hoping that you could help me. I haven't played a videogame in over a decade." Hux looks painfully uncomfortable as he speaks. And Kylo flushes with embarrassment beneath his helm.
"I see…"
"I've been given the night off to play this…..so you want to come over to my quarters and play?" The way Hux asked is like a kid asking a friend to play at his house after school…and the saddest thing is that's the first time anyone has asked me that. And I'm including my time as Ben Solo.
"Sure, I just need to…do some training." I can't tell him I'm packing an overnight bag and baking cupcakes!
"And I need to finish up some paperwork, so see you at my quarters tonight?" You know if he was blushing and biting his thin-as-a-slip-of-paper lips, he would look pretty cute.
"Yes, see you then."
"And one more thing! Please, do not tell me anything regarding my death."
"….Understood."
About two hours later, Kylo shows up outside of Hux's quarters with a duffel bag containing his relax wear, toiletries, and pink-frosted cupcakes. The pink-frosted cupcakes are in a red box with a black bowtie on top. I hope Hux isn't allergic to cherry.
He knows Hux's access codes, but he would rather use etiquette this time and knocks twice on the durasteel door.
"Right on…we'll be playing a videogame all night, are you sure you're going to be comfortable in your armor?" What. The. Fuck is Hux wearing!? He sees Hux wearing a crop top with a sparkle-coated face of some blonde man embossed on it; he nearly gags at Hux's red plaid, bellbottoms.
"…..I was going to change in your bathroom." Kylo finally answers and watches Hux shrug and walk back to his room. He really doesn't have an ass and…I just realize that Hux's left arm is pink and scarred like he got burned. Then again, at least the arm isn't as offensive as the pants! Kylo follows after him and the door swishes shut.
"'Fresher is on your immediate left." Hux jokingly warns him. Oh Force, is this it? His quarters are barely bigger than my bedroom! Kylo's quarters have two bedrooms, a walk-in closet, a kitchen, a master bathroom, and even an alcove for his ash shrine. He even hangs his clothes on a rack in his bedroom; Force, this is so small!
Kylo goes into Hux's 'fresher and is horrified by how small it is. He only has a shower! I have an in-ground hot tub in mine with a vanity mirror! And my ass would barely fit on his toilet, then again you don't really need a normal-sized toilet when you have no ass like him.
It takes him seven minutes to change; two of those minutes were spent on quietly cursing whenever his elbow hit the sink that is far too close to the small toilet.
"Okay, I've just set up—K-Kylo, you're," Kylo sees Hux's green eyes go from his feet all the way up to his nose. "Huge!"
I wish he was referring to my cock, but he's spent more time looking at my nose than my cock. Kylo is surprised that he didn't shiver in disgust at thought of Hux eyeing his groin. Yet, he still feels embarrassed.
"And you're…comfortable." Kylo wonders if the General's salary is so paltry that he had to buy his civvies from thrift shops run by unfashionable drag queens. He's wearing gray boxer-briefs with a black tank top and carrying his box of cupcakes. The floor is actually warm; at least the heating works in this small coffin!
"Yeah, I had this since I was sixteen. So what's in the box? Not Darth Vader's remains I hope!" Kylo winces at Hux's jovial tone. I miss my mask, especially when Hux keeps blatantly staring at my nose. Geez, it's like he's never seen a big nose before! Not all of us were born with perfectly normal noses like his!
"Not in this box. I made us snacks."
"That was nice of you, all I had was a bag of white cheddar popcorn and green tea." Popcorn? I didn't know the mess carried that. Seems too flavorful.
"Is the game installed?" Hux goes over to his desk where his minicomputer is.
"I think it should," Hux hangs his head when he sees the screen. "Be done in about thirty minutes."
"How old is your minicomputer?" There's no way a game takes that long to install in this day and age.
"It's been in my family since before I was born. And I've only played two other games on it and those took like five minutes to install." So it's the game's fault? Where did Master get it from? A junk store?
"What's the game's name?" He sees Hux open a drawer to his desk and pull out a plastic videogame box.
"Star Wars: The Force Unleashed II…" Silence ensues.
"Are you sure it's not a knockoff of a Star Trek game?"
"It has Darth Vader and some guy doing a version of Force-lightning on the cover." Kylo hisses and tightens his grip on the box of cupcakes.
"Take a deep breath and relax your grip on our snacks." And Kylo does just that.
"So is this game about Darth Vader training some no-name, non-blood-related, orphaned Gary Stu as his one and only Apprentince?" He grits out.
"I don't think so. The back of the box has the guy talking to Yoda, so it's most likely about killing Vader." Kylo snorts and rolls his dark-brown eyes.
"It's a videogame, Kylo. Most of them are about wish-fulfillment. Like creating Sims of your parents and you and having them be a happy family forever…" Hux's eyes turn a deep shade of blue. Like the color of tears. Kylo thinks and winces when he sees Hux's white hand grip the wrist of his red hand too hard.
"Hux, take a deep breath and stop clawing your wrist." And Hux does just that.
"…..So what should we do now?" Kylo asks, hoping that Hux won't suggest doing paperwork as an option.
"We could watch Little Witch Academia together. It's about twenty-six minutes long and we could eat the snacks while we wait." Surprisingly, Kylo does not laugh. The title of the show, or I guess short, sounds like something geared towards little girls, but it's not like we have anything else to do.
"Yes, let's do that." Hux gets a holoprojector from his closet and starts the show. Kylo opens the box and hands Hux a cherry cupcake. They both sit on Hux's daybed and eat cupcakes while watching magical girls save their academy.
"I'm actually hoping that the game is still installing because I need to see Akko showing up Diana." Kylo says after their short movie concludes. The whole box of cupcakes is empty; Kylo was able to get Hux to eat half the box by getting the ginger to talk about magic and subtlety slipping a new cupcake once Hux finished one.
"There's another movie and a holo-series to see if she does." Hux gets off the bed and heads over to the desk. "And it's done!"
Kylo gets up from the bed to take his first look at a game that may blow their entire creating-another-Galactic-Civil-War-but-with-the-Imperials-coming-out-on-top-plan to the New Republic.
"…..So the guy is wielding two blue lightsabers while it's storming on the screen. So is he a rogue Jedi out to kill Vader?" Kylo frowns at the scowl on the guy's face.
"Huh, you two glower the same…but I think it's safe to presume that's going to be the plot." Or it was probably the plot of the first game and it's being rehashed for this one. Kylo hears Hux's biting thought.
"Wow, they actually offer Naboo as a language option. And about fifty other languages. I guess the developers really wanted to market their game to as many cultures as possible." Kylo sees Hux select Basic, which somewhat disappoints him. He really wanted to see if the translations were accurate or laughably awkward.
"And this was clearly only for the New Republic because I didn't see Nagaian, Yuuzhan Vong, Cheunh, Sy Bisti, or Minnisiat as an option." Wait, those are languages? Kylo bites his tongue from asking.
"Hmm, the controls look simple enough. Just press a letter to move direction…but then there are like a dozen other keys attached with commands. Here's hoping they offer a tutorial!" Hux finally starts the game.
"The graphics are pretty. Then again, I grew up with games that came out centuries ago…" I agree; the graphics are pretty and grandfather's entrance is pretty fantastic. Although, his voice should be more booming, but I guess they didn't want the player to suffer from sudden deafness. Hux and Kylo watch as their character gets introduced.
"What?! He's a clone? Oh Force, we were supposed to play first game to get what happens in this…and he's a clone of some guy named Starkiller. So wouldn't he be Starkiller then? And Vader's going to kill him if this one fails to….kill the hallucination/ghost of Juno Eclipse?" Hux raises both his eyebrows and his moth curls into his infamous sneer.
"What? Clearly, Juno is Starkiller's token love interest. And a Rebel." And probably going to die at the end of this game because blond women and the Force do not mix! Or at least not for Kenobi's pathetic love life.
"Juno Eclipse is a General like me and one of the best. Juno Eclipse is only ten years older than me. Juno Eclipse is a diehard Imperial! I'm damn certain that she didn't give her consent for her name, likeness, or voice to be used! And, dammnit, I should've switched the lettering controls for the directional pad!" Hux then curses in a language that Kylo has never heard before as Starkiller takes damage from the holographic Rebels.
"And now Vader wants to kill him. Again. Force, they might as well have resurrected Starkiller instead of cloning him. Or have him use Cryokinesis at the end of the last game, Vader found him, and then brainwashed him. Then again, I don't know the events of the last game and the last game could've had multiple endings where one of them is he did exactly that." Hux manages to make his way out of the chamber and Force-push his way through some Stormtroopers.
"Cryokinesis? But that's a Sith technique and this guy is clearly….Gray Jedi." And the saddest thing, he might be the only official Gray Jedi and he's fictional! Even after what I did to his Praxeum, I doubt Skywalker is a full Gray Jedi. There's too much Light in him.
"Cryokinesis falls under the second school of Dark Side combat, Body. All you really need to do is channel the Dark Side properly to access it." A silence ensues between them again. Although, it stems mostly from Hux trying to get past a giant metal door after killing the last of the Stormtroopers on the bridge with the lightsabers.
"Second school of Dark Side combat?" Kylo lets his skepticism seep into his voice to hide his embarrassment. Oh Force, it's going to turn out that this Force-null knows more about the Force than me, isn't it?
"There are three schools of Dark Side combat: Offense, Body, and Mind. Offense encompasses the Force skills with immediate, dynamic applications for lightsaber combat. The skills of Offense include: Push, Choke, Inertia, Blind, and Throw." Hux pauses for a moment as he pushes the metal door open. Or rather dent it open with the Force.
"Body encompasses those abilities that draw from the Living Force. The demands of the Dark Side can ravage the flesh, but fortunately it is possible to balance the scales by siphoning life from another to bolster your own. The skills of Body include: Lightning, Convection, Cryokinesis, Drain Life, and Death Field." Hux sighs as he fails to jump across a ledge to Force-grab on some metal pipe.
"Mind encompasses those abilities that draw from the Unifying Force. These operate on a different plane than the physical—they exist in the realm of thought and memory. The skills of Mind include: Mind Shard, Memory Walk, Hatred, Horror, and Crucitorn." Oh Force, he really does know more than me! Okay, stay cool and grunt, you know make it seem like you know all of this.
"By the sound of your grunt, you're wondering how a Force-null like me knows all of that. It's because I was a huge Palpatine fanboy. I even fashioned my small closet back in the Academy into a shrine of him. I even had the first volume of the book he wrote where he collected some texts about the Dark Side: The Book of Sith. I read that book over and over to the point where I can almost quote it word for word. Especially when it comes to his commentary. Although, his commentary wasn't as hilarious as it was in The Jedi Path."
Oh. My. Shiraya—I mean Dark Side! You are not and you will never be Prince Amidala! Skywalker killed him when you were ten and you gave up all of your hopes of ever being a politician. Anyways, Hux just informed you that he was a Palpatine fanboy. There's a good chance that he still kept that book and perhaps grandfather wrote something in there. Now, be smooth and persuade him to give you the book!
"So…may I borrow The Book of Sith. My copy doesn't have the colorful commentary." Kylo breaks into a sweat as he lies, but Hux is too busy trying to jump over the ledge to notice.
"Sure. And I'm done." Hux declares after his fifteenth death by jumping. "Obviously, the game is just about a clone of a guy named Starkiller trying to kill Vader. And the only action we need to take is suing them for the defamation of General Eclipse's character."
"….So what do we do now?"
"We could watch Little Witch Academia: The Enchanted Parade and its holo-series."
"Oh, Force yes!"
"Cool, I'll queue up Holo-Netflix!"
And for the rest of the night, General Hux and Lord Ren binge-watched Little Witch Academia.
Author's Comments- No links this time.
I intended to this to be a lot shorter, but then I got really into writing their dialogue and Kylo's thought process. And I was also watching Little Witch Academia, so I was inspired to write something humorous and a bit lighthearted. I don't think I will make this into a series where Hux and Kylo play videogames together because I have enough series to work on, but this was a fun break.
And a big thanks to all those who have left kudos and comments on my other works.