Disclaimer: I own nothing, especially not the lines that were taken from the episode "The importance of being Phoebe".
Taking Over Me
I felt earth closing me in. Swallowing me. It was over. All I could think of was you. That I would never see your beautiful face again. Hear your sweet voice or enjoy your loving smile. To never drown in your expressive eyes again. Just then, as the darkness seemed to win the battle, I returned. I was back. Back in your basement. And you were still standing on the steps. At the end of the stairs almost.
"My sweet Phoebe. I don't know how you did it. How you got past the force field, past the guards, but I love that you did. It's that fight that made me fall in love with you in the first place." I said as I couldn't take my eyes off of you, afraid you would disappear from me. Afraid to lose you.
"I thought you were dead." Your words were empty as you met my gaze.
"So did I for a minute there but now that I know the earth can't even hold me, I guess I'll just call the shadow and try again." I said. Willing to do another desperate attempt to win you back. I had to win you back. What else was there? Without you... what was there left?
"You could do that. Hell, you could even turn me evil again. But you will never win because I'll never come back to you." You said very confident. Almost like a teenager, trying to break free from her parents, from home. Perhaps that was what you wanted to believe, but deep inside you still loved me. Deep inside this was just empty words. That was what I wanted to believe anyway. I wanted to believe it so desperately.
"Phoebe." I said, hoping you would for once listen to me. Look behind my demonic powers and desperate doings and see the man inside. The man you fell in love with. He was still in there. Still alive, calling for you. For you to hear him. Very weak, but still willing to fight for you.
"You just don't get it, Cole, do you? I thought you were dead and I felt nothing. No pain, no love, nothing. I'm free. And when we do vanquish you, and we will, I'll never look back." You finally said, hoping it would end my desperate attempts. And it did. As those words left your lips my heart stopped beating. The man inside me was still alive, but too weak to fight. To weak to call for you. But he wasn't too weak to wish for you. As long as breath still left my body, hope would still remain. Only remain to eat me alive. Hope would eventually tear me apart, end me.
I looked at you. Desperately tried to find a trace of regret in your eyes. Regrets of your cold words. But no regret was to be found. I saw nothing, no joy, no pain, not even hate. Your expressive eyes had for the first time turned blank, empty...
I felt the tears catching up with me. The torment whispering in my ear. Whispering words I had feared for so long. I had lost you.
I left then, without my heart and without you. All left was a beaten man inside of me. The man your words had destroyed. The man you had loved.
Next thing I knew I was back at my place. Why? I didn't know where else to go. It seems I always ended up here, in the end. Finally I had given up, I had returned home, defeated. It hurt so much. Breathing, because every breath reminded me of you. Reminded me of the air we had once shared, the air I was doomed to inhale alone. Without you.
My feet led me to my bar cabinet. I had no control over my body. It was as though I was in a coma. The man inside me watched as my hands stretched out for a bottle of whisky. And he watched my body walk across the room. There I sat down in what could have been a chair. Or a sofa perhaps? I didn't notice, it wasn't important. Nothing was.
All that seemed to exist was the pain. All I felt was the torture. The empty space you had left in my heart. Nothing else was real. The bottle I was holding in my hands wasn't real. I poured the liquid from it into my throat but I didn't taste it. I swallowed but I didn't feel it. All I felt was pain. Pain and more pain.
"I'll never look back" That's what you said.
How could you do that do me? How could you deny me our past? It wasn't enough to rob me our future? No... You had to steal our past as well. You had to ruin it all.
Once, I had looked back on our time with a smile. I had remembered our first kiss, our first night. When you first told me you loved me. And the moment I realised I loved you. The moment I let my heart take charge. The moment I beginned my life with you. And it was a beautiful life we shared. There is no stronger feeling then shared love. To receive as much love you give away. To love eachother equally. To need eachother equally.
I had lived over a 100 years and never felt anything near it. My heart had beaten for over a 100 years and yet I had never lived before I met you. Never lived until you loved me.
And this you had snatched away from me. This you had taken. You had left me with nothing but pain. Pain worse than death. I had tasted death and that came no where near this pain.
I had sworn to fight for us. To never give up. But now my promise was broken. The man inside of me still wanted to fight. But you had taken his strength. You had taken the past he shared with you. You had toured it only to throw it in his tormented face.
Who would have thought? Who would have thought that our love would end like this? That the one thing that in the end, separated us and destroyed our love... would be you. Never in my biggest fear would I have thought this, maybe I was naive. Maybe I was crazy. But never would I have thought this. And yet here I am.
As the whisky seemed to have no affect on my pain my sadness started to mutate. Transfer into anger. I lifted the bottle and trashed it against the floor.
How? How could you do this to me? To us! I rose violently from my chair so it fell backwards. In rage I flipped over the table and screamed. Why? I don't know. To focus on anything else but the man inside of me. Anything but his pain. Upset I walked over to another table. A smaller one standing by the wall.
On the table a photograph was placed. A photograph of us. Sharing a smile as we looked into one-anothers eyes. A smile I would never express again. A smile you killed tonight.
In rage, anger and strength I picked up the photograph and placed my hands around it firmly. So I could throw it hard against the floor and smash it. Like you had smashed me...
The second I was about to release it from my hands something overwhelmed me. It was a feeling that came over me. Sadness and sorrow. Tears filled my eyes and my vision suddenly got blurry. I no longer had the strength to destroy the picture. Instead I looked at it. Looked at it through my tears and mourned the two people on it. I mourned their smiles and their love. I mourned their lovestory for reaching such a cruel end. As I did, a tear escaped my cheek and fell upon the glass of the picture. Sliding against it like a raindrop clouding a sunny day. Drowning the life they shared.
Then I lost all my strange. My tears overtook me and my legs wouldn't hold up the pain my body experienced. I collapsed. My legs gave and I sank to the floor. Crying. Still holding the picture in my hand. Still flooding it with tears.
Why? Why did I have to love you so much? If you were able to get over me... Why couldn't I do the same? I really wanted to forget you. I wanted to bury you in my mind and let you go. I wanted to turn my back and to never turn around again. I wanted... to never look back. But I couldn't. My heart wouldn't listen to my cries. It simply ignored me and let out a cry of it's own. It cried for you. It cried for you to come and mend it. To heal the man inside of me. But it cried in vain. This was I cry you wouldn't answer. A cry you wouldn't even hear.
I really wanted to forget you. To forget it all. But as long as my heart cried, this would not happen. And as long as my soul existed on some plane, in some world... my heart would still cry. Cry for my lost love. My heart will always cry for you, Phoebe...