Buster's Pen Pal

by frostyfreezyfreeze54

Buster decides to get a pen pal after a recent situation, and strikes gold with a girl from Alabama. The only problem is, he seems to be spending too much time talking to her.

Thank You, Heavenly

Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide The Day

SEASON 2

EPISODE 7

Airdate: November 17, 2013

Title: Buster's Pen Pal

Segway Segment: RoundTable ("What do you think about President Obama?")

Special Guest Stars: Jennessa Bryson as Herself

Satire/Social Commentary: None

Written by Michael "frostyfreezyfreeze54" Anderson and Jennessa Bryson, animated by Louis Bennett, storyboarded by Craig Hodgkins, directed by Peter Shin

Bryson receives co-writing credit for her authentic lines in the epilogue.

SCENE 1

iCarly Elementary School

Exterior Playground

Seattle, Washington

(Testicular Sound Express is still doing the Movember thing of wearing fake facial hair. Sparky and Jaylynn are talking to each other on the swingset while a disappointed Buster is also there, stomach-first on the swing. Meanwhile, RK and Wade are on the slide.)

RK: Hey, Wade?

WADE: Yeah, buddy?

RK: I have two questions.

WADE: Shoot.

RK: First one is, what do you do when you're attracted to someone but it feels like a mistake?

WADE: I would try and forget about that person as much as I can. And if I can't, then I know my heart really wants that person. Why? Do you like someone?

RK: Yeah. Ashley Rodriguez.

WADE: Damn, that's heavy. I mean, Ashley's nice, she's classy, she's gorgeous, she has that subtle humor you can appreciate. I'd date her.

RK: But, I just don't know. I only wanted to be friends with her after Sanna moved, but I fell for her hard. Now, what do I do?

(long pause)

WADE: Are you afraid that Ashley won't return your feelings?

RK: Kind of. She has high standards for her boyfriends. She has to be really into you in order for the relationship to happen. That's why Ashley's nickname is "The Girl Who Can't Be Snagged."

WADE: Just give it time. You've been busting your ass trying to win Ashley over, and eventually, she'll see you as more than a friend. You just have to be patient with a girl like her. Rome wasn't built in a day.

RK: Thanks Wade. Right now, she hardly even sees me as a CLOSE friend, let alone a BOYfriend.

SPARKY: What's wrong, Buster? You've been sad since first period.

BUSTER: Oh, it's Kaily, man. I haven't had a real good conversation with her in weeks. We barely even hang out anymore. Ever since the school year's started, things have changed. For the worse, at that.

JAYLYNN: Well, nothing's going to change for the better if you just sit on your ass and mope around. You have to remind Kaily how cool you two are. It's like what DMC said. The game may not be going the way you want it, but you can't win it if you're not in it.

BUSTER: Oh yeah, Wade told me that. You know, you're right, Jaylynn. I can't expect things to turn around. I have to MAKE them turn around.

SPARKY: That's the spirit, old bean. Get back out there!

BUSTER: I will. Tonight, I'm inviting Kaily over to my place. And we'll just see how she truly feels.

WADE: Hey, what happened to your second question?

RK: Oh yeah. Is Jaylynn a closet lesbian?

(Wade scratches his head; he doesn't know what to say)

WADE: I...I don't know.

SCENE 2

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster and Kaily are playing FIFA 14 on Buster's PlayStation 3)

BUSTER: Isn't this fun? The two of us playing together like old times.

KAILY: Yeah, I forgot how much I smoked you at these games.

BUSTER: Eh, you're not THAT good. Soccer maybe, but you're trash at everything else.

KAILY: Oh, really? You're the one who's trash, man. Put in NBA 2K14, we'll see who's trash.

BUSTER: Yes. We WILL see.

(Buster gets the game set up when Kaily's phone rings)

KAILY: Hello? Yeah, Samantha? Seriously, no way! I don't believe you, prove it. Yo, I am SO in there tonight. But wait, I'm hanging out with Buster. Will she be here tomorrow? This is the only chance I've got? OK, I'll see you there.

BUSTER: See who where, what's going on? I feel frightened.

KAILY: You know Hope Solo, right?

BUSTER: Yeah, one of the best women's soccer players in the world.

KAILY: THE best women's soccer player in the world. And she's at Samantha's house right now. Apparently, she's here in Seattle for some big event and one of her family members lives in Samantha's neighborhood. So Sam met Hope and now she's going to be there for the next hour and a half.

BUSTER: So you're just going to go?

KAILY: Yeah. We can reschedule.

BUSTER: No, Kaily, we can't. Honestly, I'm sick and tired of this.

KAILY: Of what?

BUSTER: Of not hanging out and being alone all the time. You're not around because you have some soccer thing to do or you're hanging out with your girls.

KAILY: Oh, and you're any better? All you do is hang out with Sparky and them.

BUSTER: We have a name, and we invented it for that sole reason.

KAILY: All you do is hang out with Testicular Sound Express. Like they're your whole life.

BUSTER: They are my whole life! They're my best friends in the world.

KAILY: Oh, and I'm not? I'm just dispensable to you? That's shitty, Buster.

BUSTER: You never want to hang out with us!

KAILY: Because I really don't like them. I mean, Jaylynn's pretty cool, but I only give them a second thought for you. You're a great friend, Buster.

BUSTER: Thanks. But, I feel like this is going to keep happening. We have to do something about this.

KAILY: Like, what? Stop being friends?

(long pause)

BUSTER: I don't think we have a choice.

KAILY: Well, I agree. If we can't do anything together or make time for each other, what's the point of even having a friendship?

BUSTER: I guess this is the end.

(Buster starts crying, and Kaily hugs him)

KAILY: I'm not angry with you, Buster. Please don't think I am.

BUSTER: I'm not either. But I don't want things to change!

(Buster and Kaily continue hugging and Kaily begins to cry as well)

SCENE 3

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

(Buster is playing "Creep" by TLC on his iPhone when someone rings the doorbell; he's resting on the couch, tossing a signed baseball in the air repeatedly)

BUSTER: It's open.

SPARKY: I heard what happened.

BUSTER: How?

SPARKY: Facebook is a powerful tool.

BUSTER: Don't I know it.

SPARKY: TLC, huh?

BUSTER: How did you know?

SPARKY: You always play TLC when you're sad. So what's the deal here? You two just can't make time to hang out anymore?

BUSTER: Yup. Our lives have changed, Sparky. I can't help but think that this year is different.

SPARKY: Well, we ARE wearing different clothes, so...

BUSTER: Your attempts at witty humor are futile.

SPARKY: Look, Kaily didn't just leave like Trina Perez, or play you out like Amirah and Shian. You guys ended your friendship with class.

BUSTER: Then why do I feel so rotten? Like it's my fault Kaily and I aren't friends anymore?

SPARKY: Could I tell you a story?

BUSTER: No, because they all end the same way. You went to community college, you realized it wasn't for you. Then you went around telling people how awesome community college is, they found out you barely went, and now you regret your decision. Mostly because when the kids you told found out the truth, they beat you with sticks.

SPARKY: And the rest is history. I know how much you love that story, but I'm about to hit you with something different tonight.

BUSTER: Thank science.

(Sparky raises his eyebrow)

BUSTER: Thank science for...science stuff and whatnot. Duh!

SPARKY: Uh-huh. Yeah, so do you remember Kimiah Williams?

BUSTER: Yeah, first grade. You thought she was the prettiest girl in school.

SPARKY: Yeah, I had a crush on her, but we were also pretty good friends. I loved it when she gave me attention or I made her laugh. I would do anything to impress her.

BUSTER: So, did you ever tell Kimiah how you felt?

SPARKY: I was planning to before the last day of school. But her and Ciara moved with their parents to San Diego before I got the chance.

SPARKY: Oh yeah, Kimiah's sister Ciara. I remember the day you found out. You were devastated.

SPARKY: Yeah. But it was OK because we talked to each other every day all summer. Then school started and she just stopped returning my calls and replying to my emails.

BUSTER: So, what happened next?

SPARKY: The family visited for Thanksgiving, and I wanted answers. But for some reason, Kimiah changed. She was never the same. She treated me like crap and said us being friends was a mistake. And that she never had feelings for me.

BUSTER: Wow, I don't remember that at all. Wait, how does this story end?

SPARKY: I was getting to that. My mom said I should get a pen pal and find cooler friends who won't turn their back on me. I filled out a form about my ideal pen pal and I was assigned Jaylynn.

BUSTER: So, you guys have been friends for a while?

SPARKY: Yeah. It was really tough at first. Jaylynn was very mysterious and emotionless. I mean, those traits are still there, but they were really apparent back then. She wasn't good to talk to at all because she was just getting over her mom's death. For a while, she kept saying she didn't trust me.

BUSTER: So, when did things change?

SPARKY: I sent Jaylynn a poem I wrote and she really liked it. Then she started to see me as this deep thinker who she could relate to and we got closer. Plus, Jaylynn was finally out of the mourning phase and had come to terms with her life at that point. You know, her dad just walked out when she was three?

(Buster nods his head)

SPARKY: And the rest is history.

BUSTER: So, what are you saying? I should get a pen pal to help me deal with Kaily no longer in my life?

SPARKY: It's worth a shot. I made a really great friend, and you can to.

SCENE 4

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

(Wade is storing things in his locker when RK comes in)

RK: Hey Wade. I was thinking about ways to talk to Ashley.

WADE: Oh no. Just be yourself, man. You don't want Ashley to think you like her.

RK: But I DO like her.

WADE: Yeah, but you don't want to give off the impression that you do. If anything, you should just wait it out until you two get closer.

RK: Yeah, but I don't know how much I can take. I'm way closer to Sanna and she told me last week that she doesn't have feelings for me.

WADE: Probably never crossed her mind. But trust me. With Ashley, make no moves but the best moves.

JAYLYNN: Hey guys, have you seen Sparky and Buster lately?

RK: Sparky's been helping Buster cope. Ever since Kaily chewed him up and spit him out, he's been looking for other girls to fill the void.

JAYLYNN: You know, one of the reasons I moved here was so you guys didn't have this problem. I'm the go-to girl.

WADE: Um, right now you're more of Sparky's go-to girl.

RK: Yeah, and you yell at me whenever I come to you with serious personal problems.

JAYLYNN: What serious personal problems? Last week, you asked me about Twilight.

RK: So, are you Team Edward or Team Jacob?

(long pause)

JAYLYNN: Who gives a (bleep), it's over!

SCENE 5

Ken Griffey Jr. Park

Interior Open Field

Seattle, Washington

Sparky and Buster are playing catch. For the occasion, they have on backwards Mariners caps and sweatshirts. Sparky has a red sweatshirt and Buster has a green one.

SPARKY: So, how's the pen pal search going?

BUSTER: I don't know. Right now, I think I've narrowed it down to two girls.

SPARKY: That's great. You're lucky, Buster. Pen pal technology and know-how has changed since I did it. These days, you don't even have to be assigned to somebody. Who are the girls?

BUSTER: Birgitte Bastiansen from Bergen, Norway and Jennessa Bryson from Auburn, Alabama.

SPARKY: Seriously? A couple days ago, you were talking about Savanah Edie like she was the second coming.

BUSTER: That bitch from Fountain, Colorado? We had one great conversation and she stopped responding for no reason. And when she finally did, she told me to go (bleep) myself.

SPARKY: What kind of idiot stops talking to somebody after just one conversation? And she barely knew you!

BUSTER: I know, right? I'm glad that crazy mother(bleep) is gone. Birgitte and Jennessa are both sweet, intelligent, and sophisticated.

SPARKY: Like Ashley?

BUSTER: No. Not like Ashley. It's a different kind of Ashley. I can talk to those two about psychology and politics and stuff. They make me smarter.

SPARKY: Cool. So, who do you see yourself settling for?

BUSTER: It all comes down to who responds more frequently. And their personalities, of course. I made a huge mistake trusting Savi too easily. That's not going to happen with Birgitte or Jennessa.

SPARKY: Who's Savi?

BUSTER: Savanah.

SPARKY: Ewwwwww, what a gross nickname.

BUSTER: She liked it before she went all bitch on me.

SPARKY: Oh.

BUSTER: Yeah.

SCENE 6

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Buster is talking on Skype with Jennessa.

BUSTER: No, I don't sound like a city slicker. Do I?

(crowd cheering and clapping as we see Jennessa for the first time)

JENNESSA: Yeah, you do. I can totally hear the accent.

BUSTER: Well, you have an accent too. Don't act slick.

JENNESSA: That proves my theory, you are a contradictory person.

BUSTER: I am NOT. How?

JENNESSA: By saying that, you agree that you have an accent, when at the beginning of the conversation, you said you don't have one.

BUSTER: That's my opinion. Different strokes for different folks.

JENNESSA: How cute. No, how adorable. Of course you won't hear it. You've never been around here to know the difference.

BUSTER: I have. A bunch of sweaty rednecks yelling about how immigrants without green cards are stealing their jobs.

JENNESSA: That's such a misinformed, stereotypical statement. Let me educate you, Buster. Those rednecks in question make a small part of Alabama and other Southern states. And it's only those really deep South areas where it's apparent in any way, shape, or form.

BUSTER: Wow. I feel like my IQ increases when I talk to you, Jennessa.

JENNESSA: Well, that's the beauty of pen pals. If I don't teach you this stuff, who will?

BUSTER: Just like I have to teach you to appreciate the virtues of Mountain Dew.

JENNESSA: Appreciate what virtues? That drink is a sin. There's enough sugar in that to support the Pillsbury factory.

BUSTER: Jennessa, bubby, baby, that's a stereotypical statement. Obviously, a drink can't have that much sugar. Educate yourself, you fool.

JENNESSA: It's an expression. Learn to discern sarcasm from sincerity, city boy.

BUSTER: I can. The true sarcasm of sincerity...is evil.

(long pause)

JENNESSA: Buster, I didn't say anything about this before and this is probably the only time you'll ever hear me curse, but why the (bleep) do you have that beard?

SCENE 7

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Lunchroom

Seattle, Washington

Sparky, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn are eating.

RK: You know, I haven't seen Buster in a long time. I hope my side hoe's OK.

SPARKY: Did you just call Buster a side hoe?

RK: Yeah. I have a crush on Ashley, but my feelings for Buster still linger.

(long pause)

SPARKY: Yeah, but how is he your side hoe when you two never dated?

WADE: Come to think of it, he's almost never around anymore.

JAYLYNN: Is he still trying to find a pen pal?

SPARKY: He already did. Jennessa Bryson.

RK: Is she from Alabama?

SPARKY: Yeah.

RK: Why does that always happen? Any time someone talks about their new pen pal, they're from Alabama. Travis got a pen pal from Alabama. Halley got a pen pal from Alabama. Jaylynn's from Alabama.

JAYLYNN: I'm from Portland, Oregon, you jackass!

RK: I got ahead of myself, you jackass! But you get my point, you jackass!

(Jaylynn angrily stares at RK)

SPARKY: Well, he really digs Jennessa. Ever since Kaily bit the dust, Savanah became a bitch and Birgitte became distant, they've become thick as thieves. He always loves talking to her. And talking ABOUT her.

WADE: What, is he in love with the girl?

SPARKY: Not really. He just thinks she's really dynamic and cool.

RK: You know, this Jennessa chick wasn't his first friend. We were.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, and I miss him. I need someone funny in this group.

RK: What about me?

WADE: And me?

JAYLYNN: You two are aight.

(RK and Wade are disappointed)

SPARKY: You know, unless it's about Jennessa, he doesn't talk to me much. And we've stopped bonding since he's hit it off with her.

RK: Sparky, you need to be firm. Just let him know that we miss him and Jennessa can wait every now and again.

JAYLYNN: Yeah. I don't want Buster to push Jennessa away and she ends up like Trina Perez.

WADE: He told you about the unabridged legend of Trina Perez?

JAYLYNN: No, but I have the feeling Buster lost her one day, so...

SCENE 8

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Dining Room

Seattle, Washington

("Jesus Walks" by Kanye West playing in the background)

SPARKY: Isn't this the life, Buster? Slurping on vanilla caramel milkshakes with hints of Mountain Dew. It's like arsenic for kids.

BUSTER: Yeah, I guess. But Mountain Dew IS a sugary beverage. That's what Jennessa always says.

SPARKY: Nice. You know, "Jesus Walks" is a great song. Who would have thought a song about religion would be so popular and well-done?

BUSTER: Kanye dropped off with 808's and Heartbreak. That's what Jennessa always says.

SPARKY: Gee, I never could've guessed. I also could've never guessed someone being right about everything.

BUSTER: You know, you don't need to use both "ever" and "always." It's redundant. Jennessa always says to avoid using redundancies whenever possible.

SPARKY: I never used either or!

BUSTER: Oh.

SPARKY: You know, Buster, me and the guys have been talking. And we feel like all this time you're spending with Jennessa, is becoming a problem.

BUSTER: Why? I'm not allowed to have a girl for a friend?

SPARKY: Buster, Jaylynn is my friend. I would never tell you something so bogus like that. I mean, it would be best to just ease back on talking to Jennessa so much. You know what they say. Familiarity breeds contempt.

BUSTER: I'm not sure how that quote pertains to this situation, but I get what you're saying.

SPARKY: Good. So you and Jennessa are going to chill a while?

BUSTER: No. I'm going to stop hanging out with you guys.

(Buster leaves his seat)

SPARKY: Buster, you misinterpreted everything I just said!

BUSTER: No, I heard you loud and clear. If you can't accept me and my new friend, then you're not a friend at all.

(Buster leaves Ike's)

SPARKY: He didn't even pay for his milkshake.

(The "oh-oh-ohhhhh-oh" from the Big Time Rush theme song plays as Sparky sighs and shakes his head)

SEGWAY SEGMENT

WADE: Good evening and welcome to RoundTable. Our question for tonight: "How do you feel about President Obama?"

RK: I hate him. Jackass is the worst thing to happen to this country.

WADE: I never gave you the floor first, but OK.

RK: This bastard is one of the worst Presidents of all-time. He didn't live up to anything he said. He lied to all of us. And he hasn't done anything except kill bin Laden which was inevitable. Obama is a waste of time.

SPARKY: I would expect that from a Republican ass-kisser like you.

RK: What are you talking about?

SPARKY: Obama knew what he was doing the whole time. The Bush presidency left America in shambles and there was no way another Republican was going into office. History was going to be made. Obama was going to be the first black president. He could've said he would kill us all and people would still have put him in office. I think Obama's great. Michelle has also done a lot for the kids. He's just the guy for the job.

BUSTER: Obama is overrated. I don't hate him or even dislike him, but I'm annoyed by him. I'm going to say this right now: Obama is a lost cause. The guy took advantage of the situation when it was presented to him and people dickride him for it. If Obama was white, he wouldn't be as polarizing as he is now.

JAYLYNN: I'm not a Democrat or Republican, I'm a Green Party member.

RK: Have fun with that upstart waste of time.

BUSTER: Word.

(Buster and RK high-five)

JAYLYNN: The Green Party is awesomesauce, hater. Obama's cool, I guess. But he can't make decent healthcare for shit. Wade, you can answer.

WADE: Me? OK, I've been waiting. Obama gets a lot of unnecessary hatred. For what? It doesn't make sense to me. Racism works both ways. People overrate him for being black, and people underestimate him for being black. It's like that Boondocks episode where everyone goes nuts because they think Obama getting elected means change, and then they find out change doesn't happen overnight. I mean, I got sucked into the hype also. But in hindsight, I just wanted something to believe. Obama's quest for change has failed. Obamacare has failed and he admitted it. But to think that he was telling the truth in 2008 is stupid. He knew what he was doing and I can't blame him for that.

JAYLYNN: We'll be back next week with more RoundTable.

SCENE 9

The MacDougal Household

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

Sparky is talking with RK, Wade, and Jaylynn about what happened at Ike's.

RK: So he completely missed your point and decided to stop hanging out with us?

SPARKY: Yeah. It doesn't make any sense. Why would he put Jennessa over his Day 1 friends?

JAYLYNN: Isn't it obvious? He's just trying to compensate for Kaily not being around anymore. In this case, he's treating his pen pal like his only friend because it's gotten to the point where his subconscious depends on her.

SPARKY: Funny, that sounds like something Wade would say.

JAYLYNN: I took a class.

WADE: God, I want you to kiss me.

(Jaylynn sighs and kisses Wade passionately on the lips)

JAYLYNN: There, you're happy now?

WADE: The aftertaste is disgusting. Here, take your gum back.

(Jaylynn accidentally dropped her gum in Wade's mouth)

JAYLYNN: I'm sowwwwwwy. Do you think I'm weaksauce now?

WADE: Nah, you're awesomesauce.

JAYLYNN: Yay!

(Jaylynn hugs Wade; long pause)

SPARKY: Jaylynn's odd characterization aside, I have to do something about the Buster problem. It's all my fault. I'm the one who suggested this. Damn pen pal technology and know-how evolution! Damn it to Hell!

RK: You have to find a way to make him realize that Jennessa is not the only person in his life.

SPARKY: But how? I'm not the most persuasive guy in the world.

WADE: You got that right. You couldn't sell a Yankees cap to a Yankees fan.

SPARKY: Come on, it's a really nice cap. And I'll throw in this nifty shirt.

YANKEES FAN: Uh...no.

(The Yankees fan leaves)

SPARKY: I should've went to community college.

SCENE 10

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Hey Buster. Look, I know you banished us from your life and whatnot, but what do you say? This Saturday, the two of us go nuts at the corner store. We buy up all the drinks and just act like bitches all day.

BUSTER: Can't. Jennessa is visiting.

SPARKY: You two arranged that?

BUSTER: Yeah. And I'm really excited so I can't have any outside distractions.

(Sparky raises his eyebrow)

Later that night, at Sparky's place...

RK: And he thought it was an outside distraction?

SPARKY: Yeah. That kid is obsessed with Jennessa Bryson. Why is she so special to him anyway?

RK: We'll probably find out soon enough. But hey. If he doesn't come around by Saturday, you can always come to the Oregon game with me.

SPARKY: You want me to travel with you to the Utah/Oregon game this weekend?

RK: Yeah. Jaylynn doesn't like football and I hate taking Wade to things.

We flashback to this past summer where RK and Wade are seeing a movie.

WADE: I hate this movie. There's no real screenplay or premise at all.

(long pause)

RK: Wade, this is the One Direction documentary.

SPARKY: Wait, that's a great idea. Buster AND Jennessa like college football. Hand me those.

RK: No way, I'm not giving you my tickets!

SPARKY: Look. Once I offer KB the tickets, he's going to be so moved, he'll turn 'em down, and come back to the team. Then I'll give you the tickets back.

RK: Wrong show.

SPARKY: Oh, right. Look. Once I offer Buster the tickets, he's going to be so moved, he'll turn 'em down, and come back to Testicular Sound Express. Then I'll give you the tickets back.

RK: You better make sure this pays off, MacDougal. As a Washington guy, you know as well as I do that those tickets are hard to come by.

SPARKY: Believe me, I feel you. My cousin Clint got me tickets to the BCS National Championship Game last season. Then I found out the tickets were fake and I don't have a cousin named Clint.

SCENE 11

iCarly Elementary School

Interior Hallway

Seattle, Washington

SPARKY: Buster, I know you're anxiously awaiting Jennessa's arrival on Saturday, so I got you two crazy kids a little something. Something that will definitely help you score some brownie points with her.

BUSTER: I don't have a crush on her, Sparky. But these tickets are A-1, no questions asked.

SPARKY: Yeah. But it's the most I could do.

BUSTER: What are you talking about?

SPARKY: You know. It's been a long time since anybody from TSE has seen you. And even though you're going to once again bail on us to go hobnobbing at a college football game with your pen pal. Disappointing me, RK, Wade, and Jaylynn. Forcing us to find something fun to do on Saturday while you have the time of your life. But it's OK. You shouldn't feel bad, buddy.

BUSTER: Thanks. I won't.

(Buster swipes the tickets alone)

SPARKY: Oh no, RK will never forgive me for this. I haven't faced insurmountable odds like this since that argument with Beliebers.

(Sparky finds himself surrounded by just one Belieber, which can be more than enough to shut a person down)

SPARKY: Damn, I don't stand a chance.

SCENE 12

The Newman Condominium

Interior Living Room

Seattle, Washington

BUSTER: Wow, you're prettier in person.

JENNESSA: Oh.

BUSTER: Why do you always have to be like that when I talk about relationships or love or how beautiful I think you are?

JENNESSA: I don't want to wreck a perfectly good friendship by ignoring you and rejecting you all the time. I'm not like other girls, Buster.

BUSTER: Don't I know it. But it's a good thing you arrived early. We have to get to that Utah/Oregon game.

JENNESSA: Whoa, whoa, whoa, back it up, city slicker. I thought I was going to meet your friends.

BUSTER: Oh, that's not going to work out.

JENNESSA: Oh, I see. You can't trust me enough to meet your friends? Buster, if you ever visited Auburn, I wouldn't hesitate to introduce you to MY friends.

BUSTER: Well, that's your steelo, your way of handling things. And it's not that I don't trust you, it's just...

(Buster sighs)

JENNESSA: You had a fight with them, didn't you?

BUSTER: Just one. But none of them understood. Is it that bad that I'm befriending you and we've gotten closer these past few weeks?

JENNESSA: Absolutely not. But I don't think it's for all the right reasons. Come on, Buster. I'm the most psychologically skilled kid you know. So I know when your past won't go away.

BUSTER: So what? Kaily decided to end our friendship, not me. And my friends want me to do all the work. Why can't they start up a conversation with me or ask me to hang out for once? I'm tired of being the lapdog around here.

(long pause)

JENNESSA: Buster, you're cake.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Heh?

JENNESSA: You're...cake.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Is there a reason why the hell you're comparing me to a dessert?

JENNESSA: Look, I love cake. It's my favorite dessert. And it's nice to have on occasion. But if I have too much of it, I'll get fat and sick.

BUSTER: Jennessa, is there a heavy-handed moral I'm missing here?

JENNESSA: Yes. I only talk to you when I really want to. You're great company to have around. And I wish I could talk to you more, but I don't want our conversations to get stale so I hardly strike them up. And to be honest, you do talk to me a lot. I don't hate that, but I choose not to over-compensate, and you should too.

BUSTER: Oh my God. Jennessa, you're right.

(The conflict resolution music from Full House starts playing)

BUSTER: I had a friend named Kaily and we stopped being friends because we had no time for each other. My first pen pal went Judy Winslow and stopped talking to me for no reason. My second pen pal got really distant also. But then you showed up and I was so happy to have you, I wanted to talk to you 24/7. But not only did I ditch my Day 1 friends, I tried to make up for Kaily not being around by talking to you all the time.

JENNESSA: Do you hear that music in the background too?

BUSTER: Just ignore it, it's cheesy enough to fit the mood. Anyway, I did a disservice to myself by just dumping my friends when they were just telling me the same thing you told me. You know what, forget the game, I have something better we can do.

JENNESSA: What?

BUSTER: I just need to make a few calls.

SCENE 13

Ike's Ice Cream Emporium

Interior Dining Room

Seattle, Washington

("Dope Beat" by Boogie Down Productions playing in the background)

SPARKY: Well, it's great to have you back, old bean.

BUSTER: Thanks Sparky. And sorry I was being such a jerk. I guess you have to be knocked on your ass to realize who's going to help you up. Plus, I went cold turkey on Mountain Dew. What a terrible mistake.

WADE: So this is the real Jennessa Bryson? In the holy flesh?

JENNESSA: Yes. And it's amazing how you talked about me like I was some kind of prophet, Buster.

BUSTER: Well, when you have to promote someone, you have to promote them with a whole bunch of dick-riding.

JENNESSA: I must admit. This place really captures the essence of city folk.

RK: Buster, I thought you said she WASN'T a stereotypical Southern redneck.

JENNESSA: I'm not a redneck at all, and if you use that term again, you're going to end up with a swelled neck.

RK: OK, I'm sorry. PG-13 establishment here.

JAYLYNN: I can tell we're going to have lots of fun today.

JENNESSA: Well, I'm apt at getting what I want. Sparky, give me your cherries.

(Sparky barks like a dog, protecting his cherries)

JENNESSA: Well, usually.

(Everybody throws their heads back and laughs)

RK: Hey, Buster, this would be a great time to tell us that Trina Perez story.

JAYLYNN: Yeah, there's nothing stopping you.

JENNESSA: I want to know about this Trina girl too.

SPARKY: Go ahead, buddy. Tell the story.

BUSTER: OK. Well, at first glance, I didn't pay much attention to Trina. But it was in...

(The screen fades to black in mid-sentence, much like the series finale of The Sopranos)

WADE: ARE YOU (BLEEP) KIDDING ME?!

EPILOGUE

(Buster and Jennessa are standing outside the Westboro Complex)

BUSTER: What, you thought it was over? Hi, I'm Buster Newman from the cartoon Thank You, Heavenly. And with me is tonight's guest star and my pen pal, Jennessa Bryson.

JENNESSA: Hey, everyone. It's an honor, really. What a great show. I'm from Alabama...Y'all don't make fun of my accent, OK? I'm smarter than I sound.

BUSTER: Well, that was kind of shameless. Anyway, tonight's episode was all about pen pals. So we implore YOU, the viewers, to find yourself a pen pal. The time is now to get new friends that are way more interesting than the ones you already know.

JENNESSA: Put yourself out there! There are millions of people that would love to be your friend, whether it's through email or writing letters. You can make lifelong friends, and it's always fascinating to see how people live in other places.

BUSTER: We would also like to thank you guys for tuning in tonight. You're the reason we're inspired to make new stories. Also, because I'm feeling generous, I want to make this into an unnecessary public service announcement. A lot of people think that taking drugs and drinking alcohol makes you cool. Well, it doesn't. It makes you an idiot.

JENNESSA: Yeah, a bunch of people with crack in their pockets and beer bottles in their hand don't look attractive and don't have swag. They look like bums with crack in their pockets and beer bottles in their hands. Way to get the ladies, said no one ever.

BUSTER: And before you ask, I'm not being paid to say this. And neither is Jennessa. And if you think that makes us uncool, you're dead wrong. I came up with these hackneyed, phony lines myself.

JENNESSA: Yep, we bore them painstakingly into the stone facades of television. Be jealous...and appreciative.

(long pause)

BUSTER: Wait, what are we talking about?

JENNESSA: How long are we taking this epilogue?

BUSTER: I don't know. You're the one who insisted we do it.

JENNESSA: Alright, alright...Let's twist the story, shall we, Buster?

BUSTER: I guess.

JENNESSA: Join us again next time for...

BUSTER: Our Thanksgiving episode. Which may or may not include Jennessa depending on how much creative control she expects to get. And you know, you really don't have to use both again and next time. It's redundant. Didn't you teach me that?

JENNESSA: Of course I did. But teachers can do what they want. Join us next week for the Thanksgiving episode, and thanks for watching, y'all!

BUSTER: Good night everybody!

(Buster and Jennessa wave the viewers goodbye)

TESTICULAR SOUND EXPRESS: Now it's time for...

STEVE SONGS: Yoo-hoo!

KIDS: Music Time!

STEVE SONGS: With Steve Songs.

("Rap God" by Eminem playing in the end credits)

©2013 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS